Hate Knocked on Our Door

When our thoughts - which bring actions - are filled with hate against anyone, Negro or white, we are in a living hell. That is as real as hell will ever be.

~ George Washington Carver

 

Hate knocked on our door this weekend. A loud thunderous knock and then barged in and scared our lives in a way I doubt will easily come undone for a some time.

Note: the contents of this blog post have been reset to draft as there were details within it that would identify my daughter. In light of the case moving forward we have removed it until such time as either the culprits are caught or it appears they won't be.

Until then, all I can add is hate has no place in the hearts of those with common sense.

Redemption - an outsider's perspective.

Life has changed me, I would hope for the best but the the cynical self loathing side feels maybe not, maybe for the worst. That's why I am penning this now, that's why at nearly 400 posts I am hanging up the words and moving on.

Let me explain.

Dear Daughter BBG # 2 every year does this emotional cleanse that I admire so much. For 30 days she dedicates herself to her yoga and to her health. She zens herself to oblivion and then back again and after, every time after, her caca is so united that I get a bit jealous. Every year she gently nudges me to maybe join her and every year I wish with all my heart I could. Well, this year, in the deepest recesses of my aching heart I know, my 30 day challenge isn't just a wish but a soul wrenching necessity. It's time and therefore its a must.

So. beginning tomorrow I am placing myself on notice and moving forward to purge ( address is a better term) the last of the BS that  resides within me. I am giving myself a tune up of sorts. No, I won't be heading to the yoga studio every day but what I will be doing is dedicating myself to 30 days of do's. This is extremely personal and the journey is self involved. A first for me really; a first to just say this is for me, no one else, and I can do it every day for 30 days. I can take those moments to just walk through the valley of sorrows and bury them again, find the joy again and be whole again.

You see, I realised this week that the pain, heartache and abuse I faced for so long doesn't go away, ever. It just is there and whether it is dormant or not is wholly dependant on how I treat it, how I nourish or nurture it. If I feed it in a negative way, it surfaces it's ugly head and if I nurture it in a loving respectful way it guides me to a better life. I choose a better life and thus I take on my 30 days.

So what is redemption?

re·demp·tion (r-dmpshn)

n.

1. The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed.

2. Recovery of something pawned or mortgaged.

3. The payment of an obligation, as a government's payment of the value of its bonds.

4. Deliverance upon payment of ransom; rescue.

5. Christianity Salvation from sin through Jesus's sacrifice.

 

All of these apply and I will, in the next 30 days redefine the journey of sorts. I will not post on this blog past 400 posts, the book will end and I will move forward to better and brighter things.

 

So for now, POST 1 of the 30 day challenge.

 

Mahatma Gandi is a hero of mine. I believe a prophet for his people, yes, there you have it, I believe in modern day prophets still, I just believe that the Momo's don't have an exclusive on it.

 

So, he will guide me through the next 30 days and I will use his words to generate each step I take.

 

1st Step.

 

Be the change you wish to see in the world. - Mohatma Gandi

 

Weak people look at others and see their strengths, emotionally scared people look at others and see their weaknesses, healthy people see others and find possibilities.

 

I want to focus again on the possible. I want to be the change that inspires others. I need to find redemption again and to finally and without malice look to my past and find the closure necessary to rid myself of the anger and the guilt so there is no fear.

 

For thirty days, each day, I will throw a stone, whether proverbial or for real and purge the baggage.

 

Tomorrow's stone will be for my childhood because,  firstly, the gratitude I hold to dear parents who blessed me with such a beautiful and loving place to flourish. Thank you Mom and Dad. 

 

and .....

 

Secondly: frustration, for a Gospel learning centered in mistruths and half hoods that taught me intolerance. I am done with the resentment and it is time to let it go. Time to be done with it. I will look to what was rightly taught and I will hold dear to those truths, like a God who blessed us with a beautiful earth and sun and that being kind is truly what Jesus would have us do. Those truths will buoy me up, those truths will sustain me.

 

So......

 

My changing the world will happen in the love I have for my family, I will make a difference to them. I have the best example to follow for this. Her name was Joy. Tomorrow, I will stand where she learned how to be Joy from her mentor Jean and I will cherish and feel her there. Feel Jean there because when it is all said and done I am truly the luckiest woman in the world to have been blessed to be from the matriarchal line I am from. It didn't take a church to tell me how to be a Mom, it took a family. A loving, inspiring, heart warming group of woman who from generation to generation have been great Mom's.

 

That is how I will change the world.

 

And finally, in the next 30 days I will find love again, love for myself by finally forgiving myself for being so weak for so long. I will no longer be an enemy to myself.

 

 

“Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can’t stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they’ll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That’s love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There’s something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies. (from "Loving Your Enemies")”

― Martin Luther King Jr., A Knock at Midnight: Inspiration from the Great Sermons of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.

Dear God

“Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.”

~ Henri J.M. Nouwenm, The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life

So, I have been thinking deeply lately, truly trying to understand how to finally, absolutely, LET IT ALL GO.  I have no answers and so I have to ask the questions. What is it that is holding me back?

 

I have spent a few days pondering (oh, that takes me back to my momo days) and studying what is my next step and concluded my next point would be to do whatever is necessary to finally rid myself of all of this BS that is clogging the arteries of my emotional life.

I spent some time writing down on paper (you can still do that right?) the weaknesses in my armour, here it goes.

What I can't seem to forgive:

(What used to be here was a list - I removed it)

So even in penning the words I can see that some might look at it and say that is some seriously trivial BS, but for me, it's crippled me, even broken me and now, though I walk most of the time in relative peace in gives me a visible limp. I WANT RID OF THE LIMP!


So there it is, in a nutshell. My Achilles heal, all exposed for you.  It's just so old and so ridiculous and yet it is the very ache that resides deep within me. When I find myself vulnerable, these are the hurting points. When I hear M is close, these seemingly unforgivable acts surface and I just can't seem to find the zen to purge them.


So penning it down and seeing it makes me realize just how much of an old record this sick song really is. At some point the tune is even too old for me to fathom. So , the lesson that I learned from the BS job I just walked away from is the only person that fixes the #$%* in your life is you so here is my reasoning out and a sort of game plan of sorts.


Here it goes;


1. Learn to get over it once and for all and accept that maybe I will limp a bit but I will still walk gracefully through this life of mine.


2. Fix the emotional hold the church forces on me, one way or another. If that means meeting with whomever to say, I want a cancellation of the sealing and because I chose to enter that shit show of a marriage I HAVE THE RIGHT TO leave it as well is a RIGHT I have. If it means, when 'they' come back with the answer "no" again that the next step would be I resign my membership to accommodate it so be it. I don't want to be a part of a church that stands behind a man like M anyway.

3.  Roller coaster rides are fun but no when they repeat themselves over and over again, that is a sign for me anyway that I am not completely healed. I want off the ride, I want this chapter of my life done with. I used to think that would happen when M finally admitted his abuse. Well, that ain't going to happen, ever, and that's his weakness to own. For me, this needs to end and I just have to find it within myself to do that. Any ideas guys? Any hints on how to finally forgive the bastard. He took so much from me, from us and still pretends it was all my fault, still tells people, anyone who will listen, it was about me and how I couldn't follow his priesthood. Now, in the end, he even controls my emotional freedom with letters full of hate and a warped and misguided paradigm of his making. Why can't he just let me go. If I am everything he says I am why does he even want to still be sealed to me, I want out, and I hate that a church and an abusive man controls that, it seems wrong
on every level.

So posterity, you do have a bit of a wanker of a relative here. Yes, I know, admitting you have mental health issues is on some level healing from them but on this account I seriously need closure and I am quite literally stuck!

Do you have ideas that don't end in me resigning? Is there another way here to close this sordid and sick chapter of my life?

There is something that aches deep within me when I think of my genealogical records even having the * of my sealing to M. I made a mistake 30 years ago, does it have to emotionally haunt me the rest of my life?

I am stuck, truly stuck and I need a hand out of this mud I call my baggage.

To Ere is Human, To Forgive.....

To forgive is to set a prisoner free

and discover that the prisoner was you.

 - Lewis B. Smedes

I am sitting here trying so hard to find a way to start this post. A lot of thought as passed through these nerves and do I ? Do I really expose this strain in my heart?

Well, goodness knows my journey has been lain bare here.

Here it goes?

Twice in the last week I have been addressed to my health in regards to my heart and the need to forgive. One, in getting to a place where I simply didn't and don't care and second, a health reading, holistic in approach, that read a deep need to heal through forgiveness.

Now, to say this strikes a nerve is an UNDERSTATEMENT.

How do you forgive actions by someone who believes and extols no responsibilty to the pain the defines and defies you? For the most part, it is water under the bridge but now and then is aches deep, very deep and it slightly surfaces and becomes annoying. Yup, there it is, I admit it. It's hard to forgive because it is near impossible to forget.

So many decisions, so many conversations, so many hurts are a direct result of pure unadulterated narssacisttic behavior and is still a behavior that only lays dormant because none of us allow any kind of extended involvment with the abuser.

Why does something that ended so long ago still have such a hold, minimal as it is; why does it still matter?

In my heart I have forgiven but ever so deep down I can't trust it. I can't find a peace that would ever see me trust it, trust him.

I don't hate him, I just don't trust him, and is that what is residully hanging on to my well being and interfering with  the wholeness I so desire. I have fleeting moments of zen and then there it is, that knawing endless ache that says I am broken somehow. Tarnished and of less value because I failed, or did I, did I really fail?

Somewhere between that miraculous faith building experience of forgiving him and getting to a place where I don't even give a @#$% is the place of peace; of wholeness where my body can balance its chakras and living won't be so much about never letting that little bit (or lot) of pain that still resides and surfaces once in a while and gives pause to those around me and truly, finally letting it go.

So holistic healer, yes, lets find the harmony in my soul and let it learn to sing again and when I am blasting the very soul of my song out may I do so without any fear or thought to the past and what it once defined.

30 days BBG - 30 days.

Mom.

Silent Honor

The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out. ~Thomas Babington Macaulay

I have mentioned on and off about my father. He is a silent hero and this past week we found out that he is to be honored with Alberta's highest honor - the Order of Excellence.

It is awarded to citizens of the province who have shown exemplary leadership skills. My Dad is an unsung hero. Much of what he does goes by without pomp and ceremony. When his biography is published I will be able to further explain the great work he has been involved in.

I was BLESSED with goodly parents. I am honored to be a daughter of such wonderful people. Some would say differently. He may never had held a prominent church calling but what he did do was make a difference in a much broader and deeper way by affecting for good the lives of those less fortunate in SE Asia. I think of the Savior's beatitudes and I think in a real way that is best in describing his work.

Yeah, he was an absent Dad, but if in his absence he accomplished the things he did then it's OK because his example is what is left and I can live with that.

Thanks Dad foe being so awesome.

If a tree falls in the forest......

"We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others."

Sometimes life has a way of giving answers before the questions are even asked. Whether we hear the answers is solely dependant on how well we hear life all around us. It also rests on the ability we have to look within ourselves. I heard the roar of irony this weekend and have great friends to thank for giving me the muse to hear and reflect on the words we shared.

What am I on about?

I went to Kelowna to help a friend.I spent the weekend with two souls that connected in song. The rare remaining members of the church that will have anything socially to do with me. I drove to Kelowna to help out a life long friend with a sole mate who on the grand scale of things had faced more than I ever could have survived. It was a wonderful weekend.

We laughed, cried, found joy and worked hard and through it all we felt solace in each others company.

On the last evening we broached the inevitable subject of my disaffection. I am very closed to discuss  ALL the reasons I left the church but to those reasons that are most obvious I am willing to bend and have my ear bent on the subject. They spoke about this past conference and the talks that seemed different with a whole new focus for members to spend more time on being nice and loving and compassionate and less on rules or demands or expectations . They read a few words and laughed about some of the more humorous talks and then asked, did it matter that the leaders are starting to recognize that there are members like me, so disillusioned by ill treatment. I hymned and haaaad and said, sometimes words come just too late.

Do they?

Is it too late?

If it was just about the way people treat each other I would say maybe, just maybe I could think about trying again. The fact is, however, that there is so much more to my walking away then a group of people called a ward and they way they treat each other. So much more that I choose to let few people in to know.

It was then that K mentioned a talk and gave the quote included in this post. There, the wound rips open and it hurts all over again. Do we really have to go there? Really? Some parts of my past can't resolve, they just seep pain little by little. It hurts enough to notice but is healed enough to live with. They wondered out loud if he (M) would have heard it?

Is there any doubt?

The question Is not if he heard it but whether or not it mattered or if he has any way of knowing it applied to him.

My guess is no.

So, to words unheard and to hearts broken and wounded, the question is answered in the same way you would answer this;

If a tree fell in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

The Price of a Peaceful Life

You cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange melody of life. But we can decide what happens in us .... How we can take it, and what we do with it .... And that is what really counts in the end. - Joseph Fort Newton

Taking life by the horns is a concept I have gladly become very familiar with. Times and situations have forced choices in my life I never thought I'd ever have to make. Over time, I have learned that I can and mostly do trust my inner voice. It works for me.

When I decided I had had enough with my work situation I knew what I needed and wanted to make the "Fall" of my life stress reduced. For just over 7 months at my old company I experienced the dream team of management. These men functioned in such a way that the entire group worked at a high level with a minimized level of stress. They worked hard and laughed harder! It was a pleasure to be a part of one of the highest producing teams at the company.

As in all large scale oil and gas companies, organizational structure changes. My new manager was difficult, all I am going to say. I had to decide, as much as I loved working with the members of Frog LK/Fishing LK teams management style was having such a strong negative influence on the members, stress became an everyday way of being. Then, one day, it was apparent it was affecting me much more than any job should, I was done.

I have been blessed in my career to be able to find good jobs, in this case, when all was said and done, there were three avenues I could have taken. The choice was made not based on income, benefits, (though 5 weeks vacation is very sweet), I made it based on the individuals I had met and interviewed with.

Having experienced the dream team I knew what was important. Having a manager who respects you and appreciates your efforts and your sacrifices makes you feel more willing to give your best.

Going to work now is back to being a Joy! I look forward to contributing in my role and the bonus is, great salary, great compensation and the best part, working with awesome people and management is what is known in the work world as a WIN/WIN!

So, to get to the point.

If you don't like whatever it is in your life that is making you unhappy, change it and use the lesson you've learned in those difficult times to define the path those changes will take!

Gotta love life experience, when you use it right, it just makes for a better life.

If - Give it a rest.

Side note first: Love my new job. The people are great, the work challenging and the expectations, reasonable. I spoke with my sister yesterday and we talked about respect. I hope I can live to the respect they have offered me and that I don't loss it, Karma certainly smiled here.

Now for an OPINION.

I have been thinking a lot about the word "if". In the last few days that word has become a focal point in an apology being offered by Mitt Romney (MR); the US Republican presidential candidate. It's funny, I have no ability to even vote in the US election and yet I am obsessed with the politics of it all. I have always been a bit of a current affairs junkie and this past few months have been fodder for my soul.

Anyway, what am I on about?

I won't get into the specifics except to reference the event. Mitt Romney, private high school, upperclassmen angst, disconnect, 50 years go by.

What bothers me about this event is the disconnect MR feels to it now. His words can't even bring himself to recall his participation and yet 5 classmates see him as the leader to the event. He apologizes with a qualification, one used so incessantly these days and one, I admit, brings out a personal bias;

"If I offended him......".

Yes, the incident happened almost 50 years ago, Yes, it would be considered inexcusable if it happened today and yes, it undoubtedly speaks to MR's character at that time but his word use of "if" today is reflecting a disconnect that can and does speak to his character now. One of the men involved spoke about his own deep remorse for his actions at the involvement in the incident, MR can't even recall it.

That's a bit scary I think.

So, MOMO's, this next part may offend but please take it with a grain of salt and think about what I am about to say.

My experience with YOUNG LDS men - 15-21 are that they can and almost always are the most arrogant social groups you will run into. Always have been and always will be. The doctrine of "priesthood authority" coupled with "a chosen generation" can sometimes wreak havoc on the esteem of these young men and they, in my experience, become very cruel and authoritarian.

I could recite a few instances and I have a few times through the blog that can emphasize this point. I am not sure what it is about being a "Mormon Boy" in that it can and does get empowering to some and coupled with the kind of parent that refuses to have "accountability" fall on these "chosen few" the end result is havoc can and almost inevitably doe ensue. A disconnect to actions.

My daughters had a core LDS group of kids they shared their Mormon culture with. These boys were cruel, mean and sometime even vicious. I made excuses for them, I watched as they felt invincible to responsibility. I watched as they emotionally crushed so many people.

Where are they now?

They are husbands, fathers, partners, leaders. A few of them have stepped forward and shown great remorse for their actions. I am always so surprised at the letters even I have received. Words of true remorse for the hurt they inflicted. It is for me, the cycle of growth we all face through the maturing process. It's the symbol of accountability. It's a testament to their evolving character.

And yet, there are those few who never get there. Their words are almost always accompanied with the qualifier of "if". These are those men who become the Bishops and church leaders you fear and resent. They are the parents that laugh at the hijinks's of their children that hurt so many more new victims. These are the MR's who say. "if my actions hurt or offended anyone, I am sorry". Hollow, shallow resentment that has forced an apology but lacks any if at all the accountability to the pain they have inflicted.

A bully is and can be a bully but a man is one who knows he has caused harm and accepts his role without any qualifications other than remorse.

This applies to woman too, we are not immune to this.


Here is what "IF' should be about;

'if'

by rudyard kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

That's another 2 cents worth.

Greater Minds

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly." - Albert Einstien

This quote/post has sat in my saved folder for some time. The words are strong and time and time again I have penned my thoughts and backed away.

I was asked why I felt the way I did and why I share it so quietly. Why not be stronger, why not louder?

The answer is simple, the words begin;

Go placidly......

What does that mean?

Inside was soul, every once in a while, the rage surfaces. I want to scream, yell, kick and tell the world that whole long saga. Defend it all, Accuse unabashedly. Let it all out. FIGHT BACK.

In the end, it only harms me.

Every storm that rages within us is conquerable. Every storm passes.

I very rarely rage anymore. I very rarely anger. When I do, it's noticed and it's taken seriously but rage is a beautiful beast that when tamed can be used positively and it becomes reasonable and understandable.

As the wise woman said;

"you cannot reason with the unreasonable".

I am who I am because I have overcome the storms. When I let others stir me to anger I find within myself the cracks in the armour.

I do not bow or excuse my thoughts but I do not impose my judgments on anyone.

I am whole, and because I am, I seek nothing from anyone else.

That is zen.

I found it.

Finally.

Each Morning

“To get up each morning

with the resolve to be happy

…is to set our own conditions

to the events of each day.

To do this is to condition circumstances

instead of being conditioned by them.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

WOW, I am so excited today. 1st - I get to watch baby M. Have I said how much I love being a Grandma. Mom used to say it was the greatest experience she had in her life and told me it is something you just feel deep inside you. She was so right. When I look into C and M's eyes it just seems like a fulfilling deep within my soul; like life's full purpose is being met and I have a chance to experience just the part of it that completes you. LOVE IT!

SO, as to my previous post I am starting a whole new chapter in my life and I am so excited. Change is constant and finding it as a blessing rather than a challenge has changed the very actions of my life. I had the weirdest dream last night all about starting my new job. In it, every conceivable mishap happened before I even got there. Two different shoes and socks, the C-train broken down and a building being moved so I couldn't get to work. You would think I would have woken up so distressed and yet I was almost laughing. It's funny how perspective can change so much in your live.

In the two weeks I was away I had a chance to think and feel deeply. I worked through the last of some outstanding issues and came to some conclusions necessary to move forward. I found myself feeling at peace and truly madly deeply happy. It's funny how you think you have the whole situation under control and then when you finally do you wonder how you even coped in the first place. I truly underestimated the influence the stress my job had on my life. So glad that chapter closed and a new one is starting.

So I did some thinking as well. First is to find the zen. K2 has influenced me here. She is avid in Yoga. I admire her so greatly in this regard. I have decided to pursue an interest in it and learn it. Now, chubby pumpkin bodies look rather ridiculous in large yoga classes so true to who I am, I got the book and DVD and I am going to master this at home first. Morning and Evening Yoga to start. Once I am confident I will branch out. SO EXCITED! I see Bali in my future. I tend to get a bit obsessed in my hobbies, i.e. quilting, scrap booking, photography! This should be fun.

I look forward to some serious decision making with regards to the church. I think the final chapter needs written. What that will be is still in the works. I found out the B had put us on the no contact list which explains why NO ONE has even contacted us in the last 1 1/2 years. I don't remember saying that specifically. I do remember saying that I was tired of HT's and VT's counting a visit when they would simply leave a message or bother to say hi in the hall way at church. I have some thoughts on this but my resolve here is to let it go. The LDS church and Mormonism is my past. It shaped me I am but it no longer defines me.

I want to continue to find the spiritual song within me. Using the word "find" may be a bit misleading. I have never felt more spiritual in my life. I think what I mean is that I want to continue in the journey of discovering the truths outside of the ones that have let me down. I am reading "The Book of Awakening" and loving it. I have slowed a bit in reading and now that so many changes have occurred for me, pursuing "Good Books" will be back into full swing again. So excited!

I am heading back to Auzzieland in the fall. I speak to K and C everyday I can and need to send an enormous amount of gratitude out to the universe for the modern technology that allows me to know C so well from Skype and Facetime. What did grandparents do before this. Thank you!!!!!

Well. M is complaining. Grandma needs to focus on being a Grandma. Did I say how much I love it!

Here to my new chapter!! I'll keep you informed.

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile,

but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” 

~  Thich Nhat Hanh