Dear God

“Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.”

~ Henri J.M. Nouwenm, The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life

So, I have been thinking deeply lately, truly trying to understand how to finally, absolutely, LET IT ALL GO.  I have no answers and so I have to ask the questions. What is it that is holding me back?

 

I have spent a few days pondering (oh, that takes me back to my momo days) and studying what is my next step and concluded my next point would be to do whatever is necessary to finally rid myself of all of this BS that is clogging the arteries of my emotional life.

I spent some time writing down on paper (you can still do that right?) the weaknesses in my armour, here it goes.

What I can't seem to forgive:

(What used to be here was a list - I removed it)

So even in penning the words I can see that some might look at it and say that is some seriously trivial BS, but for me, it's crippled me, even broken me and now, though I walk most of the time in relative peace in gives me a visible limp. I WANT RID OF THE LIMP!


So there it is, in a nutshell. My Achilles heal, all exposed for you.  It's just so old and so ridiculous and yet it is the very ache that resides deep within me. When I find myself vulnerable, these are the hurting points. When I hear M is close, these seemingly unforgivable acts surface and I just can't seem to find the zen to purge them.


So penning it down and seeing it makes me realize just how much of an old record this sick song really is. At some point the tune is even too old for me to fathom. So , the lesson that I learned from the BS job I just walked away from is the only person that fixes the #$%* in your life is you so here is my reasoning out and a sort of game plan of sorts.


Here it goes;


1. Learn to get over it once and for all and accept that maybe I will limp a bit but I will still walk gracefully through this life of mine.


2. Fix the emotional hold the church forces on me, one way or another. If that means meeting with whomever to say, I want a cancellation of the sealing and because I chose to enter that shit show of a marriage I HAVE THE RIGHT TO leave it as well is a RIGHT I have. If it means, when 'they' come back with the answer "no" again that the next step would be I resign my membership to accommodate it so be it. I don't want to be a part of a church that stands behind a man like M anyway.

3.  Roller coaster rides are fun but no when they repeat themselves over and over again, that is a sign for me anyway that I am not completely healed. I want off the ride, I want this chapter of my life done with. I used to think that would happen when M finally admitted his abuse. Well, that ain't going to happen, ever, and that's his weakness to own. For me, this needs to end and I just have to find it within myself to do that. Any ideas guys? Any hints on how to finally forgive the bastard. He took so much from me, from us and still pretends it was all my fault, still tells people, anyone who will listen, it was about me and how I couldn't follow his priesthood. Now, in the end, he even controls my emotional freedom with letters full of hate and a warped and misguided paradigm of his making. Why can't he just let me go. If I am everything he says I am why does he even want to still be sealed to me, I want out, and I hate that a church and an abusive man controls that, it seems wrong
on every level.

So posterity, you do have a bit of a wanker of a relative here. Yes, I know, admitting you have mental health issues is on some level healing from them but on this account I seriously need closure and I am quite literally stuck!

Do you have ideas that don't end in me resigning? Is there another way here to close this sordid and sick chapter of my life?

There is something that aches deep within me when I think of my genealogical records even having the * of my sealing to M. I made a mistake 30 years ago, does it have to emotionally haunt me the rest of my life?

I am stuck, truly stuck and I need a hand out of this mud I call my baggage.