Distractions and Other Such Maladies

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.” ~ TAO

So I wonder what would have become of me if back in the 60’s they had the diagnosis of ADD instead of the tag; “not meeting potential”. I think about it often. I always knew there was a word for what ailed me and by the way, what ailed most of my brothers and sister as well. Every school report card would come and it would say, “Doesn’t meet potential”, or my personal favorites; “inattentive in class” or “easily distracted”. Yes; life was sure fun in the 60’s when we walked to school on our own oblivious to any dangers, slept in bedrooms with lead paint on the walls and were left to our own devices in wandering the neighbor for fun instead of the perusing the cable TV channels. I have the greatest memories of Steal The Flag on Willow Brook Dr.

So, yesterday I was thinking about this as yet again the Dr. and I had the dialogue of using adult ADD medicine to manage my wandering mind. It’s crazy sometimes when you think about it. Really, I could have been a freaking genius back then with the kind of meds they have now to solve these kinds of issues. It was really bought to light when I was talking to K1 in Australia the other day and I could barely focus from the exhaustion of the day and she called me to task on it.  Sorry BBG!

What do you do when you get disconnected so easily? That’s’ the million dollar question for me now. What do I do?

There are so many variables outside of my control. I have to work; that’s going to drain my brain at least 12 hours a day. So when I am sitting on the sofa and W has to ask, gee, I don’t know, 5 times, to get my attention and goodness knows, if the TV is on, make that 10, I tend to frustrate a lot of the people around me. Is it worth it to medically stimulate my brain so I can keep up? I’m leaning towards yes. First,  because I am pissing off quite a few people with what seems to be a lack of concern and second; there will come a time when the demands will lessen and I can go slower then so taking the meds wouldn’t become a crutch I lean on for the rest of my life.

What do you think? Is it worth it? We medicate for almost everything now. Depression, mental illness, sleeping. I just don’t want to be a self help junkie. I want to be better but I don’t want it to come at a huge cost to my health.

I think I need to keep thinking on this. In the mean time, family, please have patience on the “zoning out” issue. I may have a bit longer in zombie mode, my apologies.

Culture Shock

Cultivated in the self,

virtue is realized;

cultivated in the family,

virtue overflows;

cultivated in the community,

virtue increases;

cultivated in the state,

virtue abounds.

 ~ wisdom of the Tao Te Ching

Phone calls are so enlightening to me, especially when they are followed by some AHA moment. I had one of those this week and because the Mormon culture is fraught with innuendos and gossip I really wondered if I should address this. Alas, it's time. That was apparent with the second conversation that followed in a restaurant W and I sometimes go to for a night out.

I haven't taken much grief about leaving the church, mostly it has come from a complete freeze out from a culture I was a part of for nearly 50 years. I will admit at times I have felt lost but mostly I have a sense of peace that had I known was available I would have probably quit sooner.  It's funny, you hear about not being happy outside the faith and in reality it is much different. There is a sense of forbode and struggle with the LDS culture that gives those within it a sense of oppression. All fate's trials that befall you are a weight you carry. The more trials, the more faithful a person is and at times many glorify those struggles. I felt so oppressed, so burdened, for so long. I carried every hardship both myself and my children endured and I could never rise above it. It was as if it was a tag of value worn to let others know of my great faith.

I define faith a bit differently now. It isn't about how others perceive my devotion but more about a very personal relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. As much as HE is God, He is still very much my Father in Heaven and my relationship has now become one of worship and devotion on a very personal level. It doesn't matter that I still struggle, it doesn't matter that life has many burdens. They are not a test or a causal result of unworthiness. Trials are what this life has within it's very evolution of our purpose on earth and we don't survive them, we find growth within them. An ancient Tao philosophy states that a lesson will revisit your journey until you have learned the principle intended from it to have you become a better person. In some ways, I see a large amount of wisdom in that thought process.

Another change of perspective for me is the reality of judgement, which is what brought about this blog entry. The phone call came from someone I have known for a very long time. His first question was simple, "why haven't I seen you?" Easy to answer. "I am taking a time out - it may be permanent, it is definitely looking that way." He asked why and then answered before I could. He reverberated his wish that it was different for me and then asked if W and I were moving. Now, this friend is a realtor who I used to purchase this wonderful home I live in now but when it came time to sell the condo the girls lived in he lacked the same enthusiasm to sell a property that he used to help someone purchase a home. He listed the condo, no takers and then 6 months later K2 found another set of realtor's who sold it within 21 days. I explained that situation and he accepted it. We closed the conversation corderly and I thanked him for having the ability to just call and ask, I respect that.

So, forward to the next evening when W and I are out for dinner. First, we ran into a good friend who's first words out of her mouth were that we were moving. She had heard it in the ward. We were heading to Comox. I laughed and told her that as long as the Sperm donor was unable to meet his moral responsibilities of our kids that I had to work and help as best I could to get D through university and be there for my beautiful girls as well. She laughed and wished things were different and we spoke about her girls, whom I love, and her husband who is a very genuine person. As they left I noticed my old Bishop. This man has known me for my entire life. He saw me and chose to walk away. I thought it would hurt more, I thought be angrier but what I realized was that he, and others like him where one of the reasons why not being there has brought about such great peace for me know. I owe them nothing and in turn, they own me nothing as well.

I doubt I will ever understand how people can ever think they know someone by being with them for a few hours every Sunday. I doubt that the LDS culture is the only one that is fraught with this kind of judgement. What I do understand is that I am happier than I have ever been now. I am less affected by the snubs and jabs of gossip and innuendo and I know that this is so because I have removed myself from the mores of a culture that defines itself in one and behaves as quite another. (please note here, I don't paint all LDS people with the same brush, I know there are good people there, they are just outnumbered.)

I am finding my way through a very difficult transition of redefining my centre. What I know to be true is this.

Sanity is first found within. Finding who you are and finding peace within that self is the first step to a happy and fulfilling journey.

When I find my own peace it is then that I bring it to the family table and it makes them happy.

Happy parents and happy children contribute to a better community where instead of being a burden we become adherents to wonderful relationships outside of our home. We help and not hinder our immediate social circles.

It is then that these radiate outward to a more social and caring world.

It truly does centre within oneself and the concentric circles then radiate a peace that seemingly "catches on". While I am making the changes that bring me the kind of eternal peace I have searched for for so very long this journey is new and inviting. I am excited everyday minus the frustration at it taking so long to realize everything I needed was within me all a long.

Love and Other Such Things

So, there are so many aspects of this weekend and all the natural tragedies and disasters that have occured that have left me on edge. I mean, come on, growing up Mormon you learn of the doom and gloom BS and "end of world" commentary. Who wouldn't be frightened. I spent most of my teenage years in absolute fear but was always reassured that I indeed was a CHOSEN generation.

Tangent coming!

I am a BIG LOVE addict for so many reasons and saying it out loud would most certainly have me thrown out of any cultural LDS circles but since my absence from church has more than cemented that, I just want to put it out there. Tonight though, I am pissed. I mean MAD because of everything that BIG LOVE does say about Mormons from the fundamentalists to the average "run of the day" true believers, tonight the the writers of Big Love crossed my line. BIG TIME!

This season the writers are playing favorites. For the most part they have been balanced, it would be a stretch to say fair, but balanced and man, have they got the Mormon culture down but what they had missed was a representation of those Mormons that make the faith so amazing, the good ones. The ones that get it, that live it because it is them, deep in their spiritual roots and they get the Savior's role in the faith and finally, FINALLY, they had a character who was that, who symbolized that. You didn't see the character often but when he did speak, he spoke for whats right about being LDS. Like when Bill's business became the target of a Mormon boycott and he came forward and criticized it. Like when he spoke of choice and acknowledged that whether LDS people want to admit it or not, Polygamy is a part of that faith and history. And tonight, they killed him off and it just wasn't fair! He was just the security guard on the State Capital but what he represented was the best part of being LDS.

He was killed by the fundamentalist prophet, which was symbolism at it's best but now, who is going to balance this drama. Where is the voice of reason in a dramatic conflict that seems to be heading towards no reason. What are the writers saying here. Has anyone noticed the parallels in this that might or might not compare to the history of the LDS faith. Maybe it's the English major in me that wants and asks why in everything I read or watch. I personally feel ripped off if I read a book or see a movie that didn't have me learn something and today, I don't know, I am asking why louder than I ever have. I have watched this show from the beginning, I have seen where they have taken the main character and I have noticed why they have even gone there even though I don't agree with everything they have said and done but why not balance this? Why not give a reasonable voice?

I remember talking to my Bishop I while back and expressing just how difficult church was, how truly hard it was getting. He said I needed to be there, I needed to be the balance. It's funny how funny that sounds now, that a place that should be welcoming and a harbor for faith needs a balance.

So why am I pissed?

Because as much as I felt unwelcome there still are good people. In every part of life you can find good people. Look at Japan. I saw a commentary on how there wasn't any looting going on and that everyone was helping each other and that is GOODNESS. Sister P always reminds me of what the gospel is supposed to be about. There is good everywhere, some places have more of it then others but there is goodness.

I realized something too, goodness is within. You can't legislate it to those around you but you can be it. Being it and being it to everyone you love can make a difference and I think I forgot that in my own self pity. I need to remind myself of it again, find it again.

Note to self.

Finding Peace!

I totally melted down today! I mean tears, heartache and stress. It all started very early. Let me explain.

I woke up at around 3:30AM this morning. I was pulling a Joy with the TV on and when I came downstairs I open up my facebook and found a message from a dear friend. They were heading to higher ground, the Tongan Temple to be precise because there was a wave coming, a big one and the highest point of ground wasn't going to be high enough. I was scared and was nearly beside myself. I woke up W and started to explain and I could see that he could see that I wasn't myself. He came to the TV and that's when we saw all the destruction and the wave, the kind of wave my dear A was waiting on a hill for and tears started to flow. W took me into his arms and I felt safe and more easy. Then, the TV showed the warning map and both of us held our breath as we realized the scope of the destruction that might be possible and right there, at the top of the map was Prince Rupert. D lives there and we both realized that this natural disaster was big, bigger than anything we had ever seen. W phoned his sister and she was shocked. Sure enough, they were getting warnings too. Wow, sitting on a hill in Tonga to a concern in Prince Rupert, BC. It makes you realize just how Small the world can be at times like this.

I actually had to step away from the TV for a time. I was having flashbacks to 9/11 when I literally OCD's my fingernails away. We knew the wave was hitting Tonga at around 9:30 - 10:00 AM and I haven't prayed as much, shoot, lets call it what I did, BEGGED! I thought I had called in all my favors for all the prayers I had been sending Auzzie way but alas, I am sure all the prayers that were going heavenward were heard and the path of destruction was much less that expected. My loves are safely back home and then it happened. I melted down.

I have so many loves in my life. I thought losing my Mom had brought me to accept loss but what I realized is that there is nothing I can ever do to stop the inevitable if that is what is to be but the fear came when I realized that there are some of these loves far away and that got me, deep inside and it all came out.

W knew exactly what to do to help and away we went. The mountains and away and in his arms I was.

Thank you  W.  Thank you.

I Already Know I LOVE YOU!

So I thought maybe I could find some profound quote or awesomely touching poem about the JOY I have at finally becoming a Grandma. Nothing, and I mean nothing can even sum up what I feel in anticipation of this great moment except how much it makes me miss my own Mom.

I can't even describe how wonderful it is to watch my children prepare to become parents and even though for some it may be a time away I have NO DOUBT that every single one of them is going to be a great parent.

So, world, meet my grandchild, all 12 weeks in utero.

And absolutely NO WAY do we get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. COLLIN's rules!

Bo Bo's and other Maladies.

Since forever or what may seem so I have been a Mom. I have been through more than the ringer with coughs, colds, fevers, heck.... even whooping cough and I have always seemed to know just exactly how to make my babies feel better. Now, as they are all adults there are times when I feel helpless in knowing or being able to make the hard stuff of being sick go away.

K2 was skiing on Friday and feel and knocked herself out. Can I just say, here and now, Thank God for helmets. Anyway you look at it, her tumble was huge and now we have a girl with a bad headache. A concussion. She's on my couch, feeling very malaise and hugs an kisses don't work anymore. As a matter of record, a bad headache can illicit some pretty grouchy behavior and to say I have bitten my tongue a few times would be a fair statement. What gets me though, is I feel that same achy way I did all those years ago when she was sick back then. Is that weird?

D has a locked jaw as a result of a sever under bite and his pain is immense at this time too. K1 is preggo and feeling pretty sick and K3 isn't fairing well either at this time. As a Mom, I wish I could bundle them all up, put them in their rooms here and return to that time when I could be the full time Mom I was once before I had to go to work. It's hard, what I would give to be able to just take care of my babies. I miss the days when that was the only worry I had.

Funny hey, that if you would have said back then that I would wish for those days again, I would have thought you crazy. Now, I wish it was all that simple again. Too bad wishing couldn't make it so.

Bitterness is Getting Too Much Of Me.

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." ~ Maya Angelou

These past few weeks have been hard. I’ve felt every emotion conceivable and wonder often if this will end, will I ever be over it; ever put it all behind me? Each time I see the pain in my kids eyes or see the consequences of their past haunting their current lives I get angry and then bitter and I just wish somehow there was some sort of justice. I know in my heart there won’t be but still, a girl can dream can’t she?

Bitterness has a way of sneaking up on me. It can sometime overwhelm me. It comes when I see the sadness in D’s eyes as he faces yet another challenge or feels judged; when my girls are having the best of their lives and want nothing to do with sharing it with him; when I have to walk away to find peace. It’s a hole I crawl out of far more than I ever think I should have to.

I want to be angry. I want to shout at him that this life he has, where none of the kids want anything to do with him is his OWN doing! Quit blaming me, quit trying to find anyone who will listen that it’s my fault and not his own. I want my kids to have that sense of peace that comes with knowing their Dad accepts them. That look, the one my own father gave me when I told him about not going to church anymore; the one that says I LOVE YOU no matter what. Something I know he is completely incapable of because if he was to give it, in his screwed up thinking he feels like he has admitted fault or given up his emotional control.

I want to feel peaceful all the time, not just when W takes me in his arms and protects me when he knows it’s all caving in again. I want to undo the 25 years of abuse and have all the years of love I always deserved but never seemed to get. I want to be selfish because it’s okay to be so.

Then I think, why would I be so special? Really, in the grand scheme of things my lot in life is pretty damn good. Bitter is a pill best left un-swallowed. Maybe I should have a huge vent feast. Get all the anger out and then let it burn off to ashes so I can finally see the horizon of hope waiting patiently for me to view. Maybe I should take my maybe’s and make them so’s. Maybe it’s time to just be who I was also meant to be before I let someone else convince me I wasn’t worthy of it. God knows I know my worth now, it’s time to let it go.

It’s time to do some thinking about the letting go. Really, truly and madly letting go!

“I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.” ~ Maya Angelou

Boundaries - and Offenses

"Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense." ~ Phaedrus

The cost to be different can be so much greater than one can ever expect. For months, heck, even years I have read story after story of exits and felt my people were different, my friends would rise above it but alas; you leave, you lose your friends, period.

I think I would understand it better if it was all about me being in their faces, I am not. I still have a profound respect of those so sure of their truths. With all those that had left prior because of their beliefs in M's words I thought the weeds had been sorted out. Little did I know that I would become the thorn and that I would be tossed. Wow, is it really so hard to be friends with someone who doesn't go to church anymore. I guess the answer is yes.

My daughters talk about this step every once in a while. There's the time a life long friend who partied even harder then they did decided to step away. Over 15 years of friendship tossed aside because? K still hurts and the irony comes when I get asked by this young woman or her Mom how she is doing. I sometimes just want to say; "do you really care or are you just curious?" That comes from a deep resentment that I own and should conquer if I ever want to be a better person. There are times when I know just how far I need to go to ever not be so broken inside.

A few years back, wow, almost 10 to be exact I met a young woman who was being shunned by the JW congregation she had known her whole life. She was devastated. We would go for lunch all the time and I started to research ways to help her. Her marriage was falling asunder because that was the very act that caused her disassociation with her faith. I couldn't imagine her heartache being any greater and then she got pregnant. Her family went on overdrive and each lunch became about listening. What could she do, how could I help?

I read an article about how to survive the "shunning" process of the JW's and in it they spoke of finding a replacement to take up all the time the person now had free because of their excommunication. I remember telling her this concept while her husband was with her and he immediately accused me of trying to convert her to Mormonism, his reaction was simple, "hadn't religion destroyed enough of their lives"? It was a very fair statement and I laughed at the thought of me converting anyone. I was on the cusp of a very hard journey, there was no way I would or could convert anyone to anything at that moment and when we had discussed that he began to see what I was trying to say.

We talked a few more times and they decided to focus on their family - the ones still willing to be involved in their lives and thus began their journey. It's been a long while and with each time I see her she speaks more and more of how her life has improved as she really has put her family first and made new friends less determined by faith and more by common grounds of social living. It has been a joy to see her grow and become the woman she always was but never understood. Her best friend is an exmormon from Australia and she came the other day and asked if it was true, had I really stopped going? I confirmed I had and she spoke too of the loss of friendships and social standing. She had left Australia to find peace and now, she couldn't be happier. She offered her support and I thanked her.

I was that person years ago who couldn't give you the name of one person outside of the Mormon faith that I could consider a friend. When my dear sister asked me that question; 'Did I have one friend who wasn't Mormon?" the answer was no, I didn't. It seems the culture was always about us verses them. Think about it; they are Non-Mormons and we were Mormons. That in itself is definitive of the entire issue.

Now, as I stand on the NON side the freeze out is real. Friends I thought were for a lifetime have become non existent and people I cherished simply say, if we don't see you on Sunday we seem to forget about you; sorry. As heartbroken as I am about it I always knew this truth. This isn't a one way street. I don't seem to be going out of my way to stop the loss.

Now, I am in the nowhere land. That place between loss and gain. I have a very few friends I am grateful for and my best friend. That new concept of my husband being my everything which makes this so much easier.

So the most surprising concept of this all was the realization that what I though was the world view of Mormons, I guess you could say what the culture itself perpetrates, is so different that the real truth. As a faith, Mormons are very much looked at as being extremely elites and dismissive. They are not liked by very many people and the whole us verses them is very real. Somehow that thought that being Mormon somehow makes you special is only in the definition of being different, of being "holier than though" and that in itself makes them the kind of people you simple stay away from. So as much as they stay away from me, in time, it might become about staying away from them too.That thought makes me sad.

It's 2:45 AM Sunday Morning

It's 2:45 AM in the morning and try as I might I can't seem to shut my brain down enough to sleep. I do that sometimes. I just get going and it seems the world crashes in and everything I do just can't seem to stop the worrying or over analyzing, it feels crazy in a very daunting kind of way.

This weekend is Family Day. I have Monday off but managed to put almost a whole day of work in. I feel so blessed to have the job I have but feel like I have to go that extra bit to make sure that I don't lose my job. I am the only support the kids have - D especially. He needs to finish university and I know he is hurting at the thought that the struggle is there to keep him in university. It's hard watching him go without so much because he feels like he can't ask. I am proud of him every day but I don't catch him much slack when it comes to finishing his Bachelor's degree. I'd be making twice as much right now if I had of just stayed in school 6 more months. STAY IN SCHOOL!

K1 in Auzzieland is a worry. Is this how Mom felt as I boarded the plane for TO. Oh wait, she went away and didn't take me to the airport. Did she do that on purpose? She had a way of saying things without saying anything at all. Life was like that for her. She seemed to know the best ways to teach a life lesson and still let you know how much she loved you. I hope I can be half the Mom she was by the time my days are done.

Sometimes it feels so liberating to be living this new life. Other times I wonder who I am letting down. In my heart I am very comfortable but I sure do miss my friends. It's sad that boundaries play such a major role in friendships. Thank goodness for W, having my best friend with me is so comforting. I envy his ability to fall asleep. His snore is so comforting but does keep me awake. It's instantaneous when he falls into a deep slumber. In and out, as he breaths, the rumble is a calming to me. It helps me to know just how far I have come. Unfortunately, with having to work, I can't afford to lose the sleep. There are times when I go to the next room and just sit by the door and listen because it has become such a part of my life now. I wish I had W's ability to let it go. Maybe in time, that trait will wear off on me. Here's for hoping.

When the unfairness of everything creeps up it can overwhelm me. Like today. I sit here and I wonder - will it ever be fair? Will the people who hurt others so deeply ever feel the pain they have caused? Don't get me wrong, I have a keen understanding of the Atonement and that end of it which requires me to forgive others. I am mostly just asking the question I know we all ask in our lifetimes.

A person from the ward phoned me the other day. She came right out and asked why I wasn't at church anymore. I kind of laughed because she is barely active herself. I respected the question though. As we spoke she asked why W and I hadn't gotten married in the temple and then in her "outspoken and honest to a fault" way of speaking she said - "oh, I just assumed you weren't worthy". WOW, is that what they were all thinking. My mom had a saying about assuming things. I don't think I was surprised though. It made a lot of what was happening make sense. Really, almost 50 years old and people still talk about you and their assumptions about morality. I wonder what they think now.

For a while I stopped taking the sacrament. Was that it? Funny, I never thought that people would make that assumption from it. I simply stopped taking it because of the hate I was harbouring in my heart. M had stopped paying child support and the girls were talking more about their thoughts about their childhoods. I found myself loathing him and every time I went to take the sacrament I knew that with the hate I was feeling I wasn't worthy to take upon myself HIS name. I was also in a place with my testimony that had the missionaries been to my door I wouldn't let them in. I wasn't sure that if I was asked if I wanted to be baptized again that I would even answer yes. It seemed hypocritical to take the sacrament under those circumstances. Now, I guess, they all think it was for other reasons. I guess I should have put two and two together, I should have put the way it looked ahead of the way I felt..... you know what. No. I wouldn't change it even knowing what I know now because I am at peace and I wouldn't have been able to be here if it wasn't for that decision.

I wonder sometimes how different I would be if my parents hadn't of joined the church. Grandpa has said that joining the church fundamentally changed his family. I think it did in some pretty major ways. I know my brothers would be very surprised by the thoughts Mom and Dad have shared. We think we know our parents and then they shock us. Parents do that sometimes. I hope I give my kids a shock or two, it sure will make the journey that much more fun.

Well, it's 3:20 AM and I really should at least try and go to sleep. I can hear W, even all the way down here. It's a weird kind of comforting noise, one I am grateful for, even if it does make it a bit more difficult to fall asleep.

Moments That Change You!!!

There are moments in your life that change you. Moments that make you know that every breath you've drawn - every thought you've had - every prayer to sent heavenward - you very life's existence has been worth everything because you are going to be a grandparent and somewhere deep within your soul you suddenly feel complete. I've known for some time about this great news. It has come with some worries but what I do know is that my beautiful daughter is more than ready to be a mother. Knowing this simple truth has given me one of the most rewarding and comfortably assuring feelings I have ever experienced.

K1 was in tears as she told me and as we spoke through her fears and concerns, we both understood that the universe had aligned for this to be her moment and her gift. I postponed a journey already scheduled for Australia planned for earlier this month, choosing to make the time for being there when the baby comes in the fall. Something my mother did for me some nearly 28 years ago, something that speaks to the tradition and honor of motherhood to it's very core.

After K1 called I got off the phone with her I sat there praying not just in gratitude but in sheer terror for her journey being handled alone, without being there to support her and help her, I remembered my pregnancy with her in TO, of being alone through most of it. I was in and out of the hospital through the whole nine months and I remember being afraid. I do remember the moment she was born. Those memories, the sharing of the first breath your own child takes on this earth, changes you. It changes you forever in one of the greatest ways lire's grand cycle makes possible. You suddenly go outside yourself and you learn to be unselfish when you never realized you were ever selfish in the first place. You love something more than you have ever loved anything in your life.

I feel Mom at moments like this. When K1 was telling me this great news I could feel her, I could fell her JOY. I know that moments like this would have brought out that life learning lessons that Mom seemed to always bring to these situations. I know how much this would have meant to her, to be here for this. I know that right now, that sweet little spirit is with her now, learning about all the glass houses and about loving someone more and I can't think of a better place to be while she/he waits to come to this world and meet the mother who will make his/her journey the most incredible experience ever had.

My prayers go to Australia, my heart is there all the time. I can't even describe just how amazing it is to know that in just over 6 months from now my role as Mom is going to transcend to Grandma and I will then know all the JOY - Happiness and elation's that word imparts.

Thank you beautiful K for making my life complete in so many more ways then you will ever comprehend.