Bitterness is Getting Too Much Of Me.

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." ~ Maya Angelou

These past few weeks have been hard. I’ve felt every emotion conceivable and wonder often if this will end, will I ever be over it; ever put it all behind me? Each time I see the pain in my kids eyes or see the consequences of their past haunting their current lives I get angry and then bitter and I just wish somehow there was some sort of justice. I know in my heart there won’t be but still, a girl can dream can’t she?

Bitterness has a way of sneaking up on me. It can sometime overwhelm me. It comes when I see the sadness in D’s eyes as he faces yet another challenge or feels judged; when my girls are having the best of their lives and want nothing to do with sharing it with him; when I have to walk away to find peace. It’s a hole I crawl out of far more than I ever think I should have to.

I want to be angry. I want to shout at him that this life he has, where none of the kids want anything to do with him is his OWN doing! Quit blaming me, quit trying to find anyone who will listen that it’s my fault and not his own. I want my kids to have that sense of peace that comes with knowing their Dad accepts them. That look, the one my own father gave me when I told him about not going to church anymore; the one that says I LOVE YOU no matter what. Something I know he is completely incapable of because if he was to give it, in his screwed up thinking he feels like he has admitted fault or given up his emotional control.

I want to feel peaceful all the time, not just when W takes me in his arms and protects me when he knows it’s all caving in again. I want to undo the 25 years of abuse and have all the years of love I always deserved but never seemed to get. I want to be selfish because it’s okay to be so.

Then I think, why would I be so special? Really, in the grand scheme of things my lot in life is pretty damn good. Bitter is a pill best left un-swallowed. Maybe I should have a huge vent feast. Get all the anger out and then let it burn off to ashes so I can finally see the horizon of hope waiting patiently for me to view. Maybe I should take my maybe’s and make them so’s. Maybe it’s time to just be who I was also meant to be before I let someone else convince me I wasn’t worthy of it. God knows I know my worth now, it’s time to let it go.

It’s time to do some thinking about the letting go. Really, truly and madly letting go!

“I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.” ~ Maya Angelou