Boundaries - and Offenses

"Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense." ~ Phaedrus

The cost to be different can be so much greater than one can ever expect. For months, heck, even years I have read story after story of exits and felt my people were different, my friends would rise above it but alas; you leave, you lose your friends, period.

I think I would understand it better if it was all about me being in their faces, I am not. I still have a profound respect of those so sure of their truths. With all those that had left prior because of their beliefs in M's words I thought the weeds had been sorted out. Little did I know that I would become the thorn and that I would be tossed. Wow, is it really so hard to be friends with someone who doesn't go to church anymore. I guess the answer is yes.

My daughters talk about this step every once in a while. There's the time a life long friend who partied even harder then they did decided to step away. Over 15 years of friendship tossed aside because? K still hurts and the irony comes when I get asked by this young woman or her Mom how she is doing. I sometimes just want to say; "do you really care or are you just curious?" That comes from a deep resentment that I own and should conquer if I ever want to be a better person. There are times when I know just how far I need to go to ever not be so broken inside.

A few years back, wow, almost 10 to be exact I met a young woman who was being shunned by the JW congregation she had known her whole life. She was devastated. We would go for lunch all the time and I started to research ways to help her. Her marriage was falling asunder because that was the very act that caused her disassociation with her faith. I couldn't imagine her heartache being any greater and then she got pregnant. Her family went on overdrive and each lunch became about listening. What could she do, how could I help?

I read an article about how to survive the "shunning" process of the JW's and in it they spoke of finding a replacement to take up all the time the person now had free because of their excommunication. I remember telling her this concept while her husband was with her and he immediately accused me of trying to convert her to Mormonism, his reaction was simple, "hadn't religion destroyed enough of their lives"? It was a very fair statement and I laughed at the thought of me converting anyone. I was on the cusp of a very hard journey, there was no way I would or could convert anyone to anything at that moment and when we had discussed that he began to see what I was trying to say.

We talked a few more times and they decided to focus on their family - the ones still willing to be involved in their lives and thus began their journey. It's been a long while and with each time I see her she speaks more and more of how her life has improved as she really has put her family first and made new friends less determined by faith and more by common grounds of social living. It has been a joy to see her grow and become the woman she always was but never understood. Her best friend is an exmormon from Australia and she came the other day and asked if it was true, had I really stopped going? I confirmed I had and she spoke too of the loss of friendships and social standing. She had left Australia to find peace and now, she couldn't be happier. She offered her support and I thanked her.

I was that person years ago who couldn't give you the name of one person outside of the Mormon faith that I could consider a friend. When my dear sister asked me that question; 'Did I have one friend who wasn't Mormon?" the answer was no, I didn't. It seems the culture was always about us verses them. Think about it; they are Non-Mormons and we were Mormons. That in itself is definitive of the entire issue.

Now, as I stand on the NON side the freeze out is real. Friends I thought were for a lifetime have become non existent and people I cherished simply say, if we don't see you on Sunday we seem to forget about you; sorry. As heartbroken as I am about it I always knew this truth. This isn't a one way street. I don't seem to be going out of my way to stop the loss.

Now, I am in the nowhere land. That place between loss and gain. I have a very few friends I am grateful for and my best friend. That new concept of my husband being my everything which makes this so much easier.

So the most surprising concept of this all was the realization that what I though was the world view of Mormons, I guess you could say what the culture itself perpetrates, is so different that the real truth. As a faith, Mormons are very much looked at as being extremely elites and dismissive. They are not liked by very many people and the whole us verses them is very real. Somehow that thought that being Mormon somehow makes you special is only in the definition of being different, of being "holier than though" and that in itself makes them the kind of people you simple stay away from. So as much as they stay away from me, in time, it might become about staying away from them too.That thought makes me sad.