Culture Shock

Cultivated in the self,

virtue is realized;

cultivated in the family,

virtue overflows;

cultivated in the community,

virtue increases;

cultivated in the state,

virtue abounds.

 ~ wisdom of the Tao Te Ching

Phone calls are so enlightening to me, especially when they are followed by some AHA moment. I had one of those this week and because the Mormon culture is fraught with innuendos and gossip I really wondered if I should address this. Alas, it's time. That was apparent with the second conversation that followed in a restaurant W and I sometimes go to for a night out.

I haven't taken much grief about leaving the church, mostly it has come from a complete freeze out from a culture I was a part of for nearly 50 years. I will admit at times I have felt lost but mostly I have a sense of peace that had I known was available I would have probably quit sooner.  It's funny, you hear about not being happy outside the faith and in reality it is much different. There is a sense of forbode and struggle with the LDS culture that gives those within it a sense of oppression. All fate's trials that befall you are a weight you carry. The more trials, the more faithful a person is and at times many glorify those struggles. I felt so oppressed, so burdened, for so long. I carried every hardship both myself and my children endured and I could never rise above it. It was as if it was a tag of value worn to let others know of my great faith.

I define faith a bit differently now. It isn't about how others perceive my devotion but more about a very personal relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. As much as HE is God, He is still very much my Father in Heaven and my relationship has now become one of worship and devotion on a very personal level. It doesn't matter that I still struggle, it doesn't matter that life has many burdens. They are not a test or a causal result of unworthiness. Trials are what this life has within it's very evolution of our purpose on earth and we don't survive them, we find growth within them. An ancient Tao philosophy states that a lesson will revisit your journey until you have learned the principle intended from it to have you become a better person. In some ways, I see a large amount of wisdom in that thought process.

Another change of perspective for me is the reality of judgement, which is what brought about this blog entry. The phone call came from someone I have known for a very long time. His first question was simple, "why haven't I seen you?" Easy to answer. "I am taking a time out - it may be permanent, it is definitely looking that way." He asked why and then answered before I could. He reverberated his wish that it was different for me and then asked if W and I were moving. Now, this friend is a realtor who I used to purchase this wonderful home I live in now but when it came time to sell the condo the girls lived in he lacked the same enthusiasm to sell a property that he used to help someone purchase a home. He listed the condo, no takers and then 6 months later K2 found another set of realtor's who sold it within 21 days. I explained that situation and he accepted it. We closed the conversation corderly and I thanked him for having the ability to just call and ask, I respect that.

So, forward to the next evening when W and I are out for dinner. First, we ran into a good friend who's first words out of her mouth were that we were moving. She had heard it in the ward. We were heading to Comox. I laughed and told her that as long as the Sperm donor was unable to meet his moral responsibilities of our kids that I had to work and help as best I could to get D through university and be there for my beautiful girls as well. She laughed and wished things were different and we spoke about her girls, whom I love, and her husband who is a very genuine person. As they left I noticed my old Bishop. This man has known me for my entire life. He saw me and chose to walk away. I thought it would hurt more, I thought be angrier but what I realized was that he, and others like him where one of the reasons why not being there has brought about such great peace for me know. I owe them nothing and in turn, they own me nothing as well.

I doubt I will ever understand how people can ever think they know someone by being with them for a few hours every Sunday. I doubt that the LDS culture is the only one that is fraught with this kind of judgement. What I do understand is that I am happier than I have ever been now. I am less affected by the snubs and jabs of gossip and innuendo and I know that this is so because I have removed myself from the mores of a culture that defines itself in one and behaves as quite another. (please note here, I don't paint all LDS people with the same brush, I know there are good people there, they are just outnumbered.)

I am finding my way through a very difficult transition of redefining my centre. What I know to be true is this.

Sanity is first found within. Finding who you are and finding peace within that self is the first step to a happy and fulfilling journey.

When I find my own peace it is then that I bring it to the family table and it makes them happy.

Happy parents and happy children contribute to a better community where instead of being a burden we become adherents to wonderful relationships outside of our home. We help and not hinder our immediate social circles.

It is then that these radiate outward to a more social and caring world.

It truly does centre within oneself and the concentric circles then radiate a peace that seemingly "catches on". While I am making the changes that bring me the kind of eternal peace I have searched for for so very long this journey is new and inviting. I am excited everyday minus the frustration at it taking so long to realize everything I needed was within me all a long.