Gifts

“God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.”
~Voltaire

In consideration of the above quote, how would one define “living well”? I looked it up and what came across was “A state of health, happiness, and prospering:”

It is interesting enough but still somewhat vague. What state of health, define happiness, and by what measure does a man prosper?

A have been part of what the world would have considered a very prosperous life and yet happiness was never found within those walls. Now, as a family we struggle and yet choose to enjoy the journey within reason and without extending ourselves. We play much more than we ever did and do it on a lot less money. I can’t even describe how relaxed we are even as we tread through this turbulent economy. I found it so ironic that if the world would try and convince you that money brings happiness, those with it would be the first to disagree. It makes life a bit easier but it is in the struggles that we find our true happiness.

So here I am, now trying to define living well and when I wake up every morning something is changing. I used to be angry that my life was where it was at, that some of my daily activities were forced on me. I realized that has changed, I seem more content, more at ease and I know that even though this life I have now may not have been what I wanted or expected it is still much better than what I had and for that I am eternally grateful. How can you not be?

There is no fear or anxiety anymore. I am at peace and constantly striving for a sense of wholeness but the reality here is that life in itself is a journey. I am supposed to be striving for just that; a sense of fulfillment that only comes with maturity and age. The angst of an impending anger is gone for me. As I interact with my family I have the expectation of respect and the patience of understanding. Oh sure, there are still disagreements but they are resolved and made peaceful much sooner and we feel the need to be peaceful which never existed for us before. I believe the changes that were needed were self involved and required boundaries that I set up which then gave my children the permission to be safe and whole. I find it so interesting that if we desire something from someone it is easy to find the answers within ouselves to facilitate the change in another. There are always exceptions…. If the other person doesn’t want the change, nothing you do can facilitate it. Manipulating a change is a short term answer that will soon revert back and bite you right in the arse. Now, that’s not good. For anyone!

I am living well now and when I wake I look so forward to the day ahead. Even when I know hardships are ahead for me they seem that much more surmountable because of the peace and serenity I have within my very soul. I have heard people say they are happy and now I know exactly what they mean. You can have hard days, terrible days. It is the way you bounce back that your emotional health can be equated.

I am Indian Rubber, bouncing back harder and stronger than I ever have before. Thank-you all for helping me find this within and without so living well could be realized by my family and me. We owe you!

Simple Things

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.” ~ Donald Miller

Our Easter holiday is over and I dropped K1 and A off at the airport Monday morning. I can’t even begin to tell you just how much this holiday meant to all of us. We come together in such a beautiful way and are fully learning to enjoy each others company without the past inflicting it’s wounds on us anymore. Peace is so a part of it all and now we are spoiled, it defines the holidays.

There have been times that I wanted all the healing to be done, all the effort completed and my life completely back to normal. Then comes the conundrum. What is normal? Yeah, that’s a loaded question. Who defines it and what does it mean and how, if at all, can you tell if you have come to it?

So, with everyone milling through my house on Sunday, the kids anxiously waiting for the Easter Egg Hunt and the other adults conversing I just sat and looked upon the scene and sensed that normal was finally upon us. Sure, S punched H in the nose and W raised his voice at S but this is all the normal interactions of a happy and functional family. How can anyone judge another’s family interactions? What was once is now gone and what is….. Is so absolutely beautiful it is divine! I have been so blessed.

I remember praying sometime back for the drama and the pain to just cease. It felt like it would never end and that the torment and heartache would always be a part of life and living and that it would infuse its web throughout it. I am happy to say that it does lessen and at times even feels like it is gone but the most astounding thing is the way your heart changes, how it evolves. It’s as if your heart becomes protected and while you put your energy into the healing process, it encases itself in a spiritual bubble and it strengthens. The sad irony of all of this drama is that it can only strengthen because of the heartache. You must feel the pain to know the joy. It’s what we agreed to before we even came here; ironic, isn’t it?

I am in a huge transition now. I am learning to trust again and to let others into my family’s lives. My kids are ready too. They are excited to see me dating now, which, by the way, I have just started doing. Dr. W asked me to wait a year and it has been, above all else, the best advice anyone has ever given me in regards to my healing from this divorce. My thought processes are so different. I think more with logic than my heart and when I feel confused my head has a stronger say they my wounded heart. You can’t trust a wounded heart to make good decisions.

I know when the time comes to really allow the heart to open it may take a great deal of trust. It scares me to think I may need to trust another with this fragile heart of mine. It’s exhilarating and frightening all at that same time. I like that right now, I have friends. I prayed for a long time for the Lord to soften the hearts of the men I was meeting and that they would know that friendship is essential and He has done that. I have friends now.

There is never a point when you are going through a divorce where you can truly just rely on yourself. I have always trusted those who have led me in presiding positions and in the spirit as I have endured and orientated myself through this unfamiliar terrain. I am so grateful for all the Big Guy has done for me, I am in his debt.

My heart is stirring and I am learning to trust again. My kids are happy and I am happy. This is something that had you asked me even just a year ago if it would be possible I would have doubted. I was so wrong. Happiness is around the corner it just takes it time in coming. The more patience you have the more this feeling will be with you for a longer time. Patience and understanding God’s timeline will reveal the absolute healing the atonement offers. I am so grateful for the Big Guy’s timeline and for those who helped me to understand that His timeline is so much healthier that what would have been mine.

I have been truly blessed.

Charlotte

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous
thing. I wove my webs
for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life,
anyway? We're born, we
live a little while, and we die. A spider's life
can't help being something of a
mess, with all this trapping and eating
flies. By helping you, perhaps I was
trying to lift up my life a trifle.
Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a
little of that."

Charlotte, "Charlotte's Web"

E.B. White

When I think of all the books I have read and the messages inherently found in each book, the ones that have left the greatest impact have always come from juvenile fiction. It’s as if, in the great books for young adults, the authors know the message must be hidden and subtle but be so profound as to change the young readers mind without them even knowing. My life has been challenged often by these well intentioned messages.

Friendship is such a unique and treasured human experience and one to which I have great debt. I have such incredible friends and owe such a debt of gratitude for the way that they have helped me. Their wisdom and advice is so heartfelt and treasured.

I chose, very early on, when I knew I was going to be getting divorced to surround myself with the most quality of women to whom I had the greatest of admiration for the journey they had taken through their divorces. This was not a bunch of pity party Relief Society sisters getting together for bitch sessions. These were high caliper women who had taken the high road and to whom I knew would give great advice. I remember feeling exceptionally selfish and even worded those thoughts to my Bishop. He shrugged and said that at any time in my life to have that kind of selfishness it was then, he felt it was forgivable.

So here I am, almost 5 years later and I know I would never have been able to accomplish what I have without those incredible women in my life. It’s funny, we laugh and share now and mostly when we reminisce I understand that above all else, the Lord has truly blessed me with the gift of amazing friends.

I went to the temple the other day with someone I hold so dear in my heart. She is my icon, my hero, my mentor. We were laughing because I have just started dating and all the feelings are so confusing and terrifying and leaving me feeling very helpless. She had just begun dating last summer and while we shared, we laughed and I realized with a sure certainness that she was my sister before I even came here. As I shed a few tears of the left over frustration I knew that though she has assured me over and over again that I am my families anchor for the gospel, she had, for all intents and purposes, become mine.

The last of the upheaval and uncertainness is wearing and the stability of a healthy emotional life is upon me and my family. I owe so much to those who have supported and aided me. My only hope is that I can be of the same help to another and that I can return the service so as to make another’s journey easier. I hope the Lord sees fit to allow this.

So what am I on about? Having a being great friends. This is a blessing God granted us. I am in debt.

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."

~Erma Bombeck

My house and my heart is full. I woke this morning to bodies all over the couches and floor and in the bedrooms and the warmth that only a full and happy home can bring. No breakfast, just a run to Timmy's and a walk for the Rockmiester. This is family....this is eternal, this is what the Savior meant when he spoke about Christ like Love.

All of the work, effort and the heartache was worth it when I know that what is happening right now will be my life for a very long time. You know, when I see my girls interact and know just how much RIVER had to go under the bridge for that to happen; my goodness, it was SO WORTH IT!

I know what is required of me now for the healing to be complete and the damage left behind. I dedicate my actions and my thoughts to those goals. I will purge the last of the heartache and misery and no longer be affected by pointless accusations being slung to upsat this life we are builing as a family. I am a righteous woman who has a slightly dysfunctional family who understands fully the concept of unconditional love...God's love.

What am I thankful for? I am grateful for the bodies I steped over this morning; for the mess I had to clean up and for the noise that lulled me to sleep last night. I am grateful for knowing that family is more than just the dedication of a man to a woman but can also include the love that they can so freely share towards the children God gave them the privilege to raise. I am grateful for His wisdom in allowing others to have me understand unrighteous dominion and call a spade a spade and for allowing me the right to not own what isn't my to own and for helping me through the forgiveness process for what was. And mostly; for amazing kids who forgave me so we can truly be HAPPY!

I love you K & K & K & D and all the others that bring such JOY into our families lives!

Winnie's wisdom!

If ever this is tomorrow when we're not together; there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we are apart. I'll always be with you"
-Winnie the Pooh

Holiday time. I love holiday time. It’s Easter and guess what? We are all together again. Did I say how much I love being together with my kids, my family? There is nothing that can even compare to being and loving these amazing kids and sharing it with those that dare to.

We are heading out to the zoo here very soon so I need to get this post done post haste. We had a sleepover last night and a wonderful “German Pancake” breakfast. I can’t begin to tell you what this is like for me. My children are so happy, we are so happy and though it could have been challenged, it wasn’t and that speaks volumes all within itself.

We have visitors this Easter, friends...lovers... and those we just consider family and they add volumes to the Function in our dysfunctional family. I have learned that we have come to terms and know those feelings that help us be the family we are. How can I ever complain about my life when this life I have is full and happy and ZEN!

So Chinese food tonight and a movie on the BIG ARSE TV. Popcorn and pop and the deck for those who so choose.

This is where I am just grateful for the exits that needed to happen so that peace could finally reside!

When it’s time for me to finally leave this earthly existence I will always be so grateful to the Big Guy for giving me to the courage to free our family and learn that all we have now was possible because this is truly eternal!

Parents

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.

~ Anne Frank

My life is changing so much with each new day and I am reminded that with each passing of the sun through the sky it is for the better. This was witnessed to me the other day in one of the most unusual ways.

A dear friend is struggling with a decision that has been made more challenging by her past issues. Her mother died when she was young and an absent and uncaring Father has obscured her decision making processes. For what would seem very easy for you and me to decide, she struggles with abandonment and loneliness. The fear of alone forces her to accept situations that neither you nor I would ever see as a possibility. It is painful to watch and draws gratitude to my heart that I had my Mom as long as I did.

We sat in my kitchen with K2 and then it happened. A different perspective that was unheard before. K2 has a firm grasp on boundaries and expectations and pronounced her wisdom on us.

"No woman need settle; a belief that you offer more than is offered will bring quality into your life".

Her advice was heart felt and profound and as I watched this beautiful daughter live her life I can see great strength in her path. She is still young and with maturity she may be able to understand the angst of a mid life single situation but the basics of her wisdom is applicable to any generation. It is in the settling that we find dissatisfaction. A settled life is a compromise for a comfortable life. If that is what you seek, then by all means; but for those of us who choose to fly, it is only other fliers that need apply.

Just after my divorce, fear was so real. The aloneness seemed to overwhelm me and I wasn’t thinking clearly. Dr. W asked me to not date or seek a companion for a year. I followed her advice with a few blips but for the most part, it wasn’t that difficult because of the circumstances I had found myself in for that year.

On the anniversary of a year since my divorce I reflected on the differences in the way I was feeling and acting then to now. I was astonished. If I had ignored her request I could have seriously just repeated the same mistakes that got me into this situation in the first place. Sometimes wisdom comes in a way so basic that we fail to see its vitality to the life we are in at the moment.

So what am I on about?

As I sat there and heard and watched my daughter I realized that all that I had left to give her was my example. She was now an adult. A great one at that and what she knew of dating was ten fold what I or my friend knew as we both had married so young. Her greatest advice was in the finding of our own self worth and in the exercising of its importance in our life. She may never fully comprehend how she knows or why she practices her guidelines for herself so well but when I thought about it, as warped as this may sound, my daughter truly knows of her infinite worth, probably better I.

Joy is Found....

"…focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."

— Greg Anderson

I went to the Flames Hockey Game last night and had a great life lesson come to mind. I would never be able to ever explain why I enjoy watching live hockey. Maybe it’s the electric atmosphere of the Pengrowth Saddle Dome filled with over 20,000 red fans cheering and moving the arena into frenzy or the great pocket dawgs and popcorn but I absolutely love it.

Now watching hockey on TV; not so fond of. The whole thing doesn’t make a ton of sense, I mean, with the TV they give you all the details and it’s live. When I am at the game I am pretty much just watching the action on the ice wondering what the heck is going on. I love it though; it really fills me with Joy.

So it made me realize just how much of a metaphor for life this is. It can come at you in one of two ways depending on who you are as a character in your own life. You can either be involved in it with all the commentary and statistics so as to be able to replay all the bumps and bruises or just live and let in happen. I much prefer just being in it, live and in person, trusting that above all else, it will be a blast.

Taking chances and extending yourself in faith can bring such enormous blessings. I have never regretted at least trying and even in failure the lessons you learn are invaluable to becoming a better person. The only regrets come as the critics oversee your life. I used to care so much about how they felt and yet now, I hardly ever think twice. What a freedom is won when your purge the concerns of others and live for yourself. It’s liberating.

So what am I on about?

Living and breathing the journey. Watching hockey games, riding an overcrowded CTrain and sharing the moments with everyone around you. For a very long time all that ever mattered was what the end outcome would be. So much of what we were about was the final destination. I know my Father in Heaven knows my heart; he knows my intent and values me as His Daughter and as a Mother raising children. My children and I have never laughed and smiled and just zenned so much as we have in this last year.

If I could pass this wisdom on to a younger generation of parents I would say; stop the keeping up and just enjoy. Go to the park, the house doesn’t have to be immaculate just clean enough, teach them the gospel but do it in a way less regimented and more inspired. Why not have them act out their favorite scriptures for scripture study, take the words and make them matter in their lives. I could write a book on the wrong way of doing things and now I can add some of the right ways.

I went to lunch with a friend today whose daughter has become close to my K3. K3 had shared some of her experiences about her Dad with my friend’s daughter and she was so shocked. What my children experienced is so foreign to some kids who have been blessed with a different circumstance and they simply can’t comprehend it. It makes them so sad. But for us, we see it differently now. We find great strength coming from it. We see our desire to change the motivating experience of our lives and we know that we would not be the people we are if we hadn’t have experienced it. The secret here is the moving forward and the finding reason in an unreasonable circumstance. That is how you find the path to wholeness.

What I would give for a different history but alas, no such luck. So here’s the answer. Embrace your history and let it strengthen and motivate you inner soul to greatness and peace. I can never fully describe the absolute tranquility of letting go but I can attest to its power to heal. It defines Zen, it is completeness. It is worth it.

So the change comes in the stopping of worrying about what may be and finding the power in the now. Eckhart Tolle’s book, "The Power of Now’ is a must read of any injured person and when coupled with the gospel that I love so much is makes sense of a senseless world. Now matters, what will be, will be because of what you do this very moment.

Enjoy the journey, the destination will soon come.

People

People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned. ~ James Baldwin

Things have happened this month, this week and last night that have weighed on my conscious so as to address them here and now in this blog. I am not sure who or how many people read this. I know, every now and then I will hear from you and my heart will realize that the words can sometimes matter. This entry has purpose however. It’s for the hearts of my children and for families everywhere who live each day with the remnants of the abuse they have endured.

I arrived home last night and was met by an eerie silence. The lights were on and the house was breathing but the sound of D was silently missing. As I hit the third floor landing I could hear the hushed tones of a conversation and the humming of a heartfelt thought. My D was on the phone and he was emotional. At first I thought he was in the midst of a breakup and my heart ached, I really like this new girlfriend. I slowly walked down the stairs and he just looked at me, his pain etched across his profile. I mouthed the questioning words of a breakup and he shook his head to the negative and waved me to leave. “I’ll tell you later”. I turned and felt my heart sink, he was hurting and the torch had passed.

A few moments later he ascended the stairs. There weren’t a lot of words. He confirmed it wasn’t a break up at all but a friend who had managed to open the door of the pain and heartache he had been holding inside for months. She had gotten him to talk and even though it wasn’t to me at least he was spilling and like a festering boil, the only way to ever heal is the painful necessity of opening the wound. He didn’t have to say another word, I could see it. He had begun to purge and you could see that his burden was getting lighter. How can I ever thank this young woman? She had done something many of us have been trying to do for some time. Thank-you E. I owe you.

Now to what I am on about; this is heavy…. Prepare yourself.

If you ever wondered if emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse leaves scars just look into the hearts, eyes and lives of those innocents who have been their victims. I live each day in the wonder, is this the day that it will rear its ugly head? Over and over again the results of the words, the sarcasms, the criticism, the jabs, the put downs are a part of every moment of our days. The ever present fears that rise just in the everyday patterns of living that can come and play havoc in our journey. For us; decisions that are so simple for most are usually burdened by doubt and indecision because we have suffered at abuses hand. Simple emotional tasks that are easy for most can sometimes feel unreachable and in the end we choose to ignore or simply forgot that we must decide. Everyday living is burdened by the effects of abuse at sometimes live can seem difficult and insurmountable.

If you think that fear will ever make a person better, please think again. I had heard once that fear was the Holy Ghost’s early warning sign of trouble ahead. I don’t recall a day without it. I shudder to think at the times I failed my children by not acting sooner and leaving earlier so that they could at least have a hope of being whole. As I see the results I know that what they endured, what we endured, will be a part of our patterns of living for the rest of our lives. But I see now that anything can be overcome, it is in the recognition of abuse's effects that you can heal and become whole again. Thus; my enduring gratitude to a young woman who was able to find a way for the door to open to healing.

Now some advice.

If you have a friend, or a family member who is currently suffering under the hands of abuse please do something. Reach out, try and if you are pushed away; no worries, your friend or family member will remember your offer when the fear is superseded by the need to get out. I am forever in the debt of my dear friend M who reached out and led me to believe that I didn’t need to suffer alone, that my kids and I needn’t suffer alone. I am grateful to a loving family who has supported and aided our journey as well. I am grateful for LDS Social services and for the others who taught the healing so necessary for my family and above all else I am grateful to the fortitude of my amazing children and their enduring spirits.

And now, a word to our abuser; your callous disregard continues and though you are not around to witness the results of your actions they are and continue to be very real. As all abusers deny culpability, in the end, you will feel the same pain that you have inflicted on so many others; that is God’s will.

I pass now on any further judgment but will continue in my resolve to be a better mother and caregiver to the truly “innocent” victims of your years of insensitivity and ternary. And to your assertion that I am the reason your children have nothing to do with you. Again, you alone are the master of that destiny. Your name rarely passes through our lives. Only when you re-enter to further your agenda of control do our lives ever include you . And as time passes, so does the pain subside of your insults and abuse.

Only you can heal yourself and find within that callous and heartless soul the desire to make amends to the lives you tried in vein to control and to ruin. Notice the word tried. I, no WE will not give you the power to ruin the rest of our lives. We will survive and we will break this cycle. And though what you did will always be a part of the formula of our lives it will not be the determining factor. That alone belongs to our Savior and to understanding of the atonement and it's great purpose in our lives.

Good luck and God speed. We are one and we are healing and we are continuing to be blessed.

Big Love

They were so strong in their beliefs that there came a time when it hardly mattered what exactly those beliefs were; they all fused into a single stubbornness.
~Louise Erdrich

Have you ever heard someone go on about something and when they were done speaking you wondered what the heck it was all about anyway? ( I think sometimes my blog falls under this)I’ve been taking a long hard look at just about every part of my life and accessing its meaning. My beliefs; my goals; my aspirations. What do these all mean and how do they fit into how I am going to live my life?

Let’s take religion for a start. For the longest time how I have lived my faith has been scrutinized. It never measured up and when your very faith is jeopardized by constant attacks it usually trends in one of two directions. It is either lost, out of shear exhaustion or strengthened by a resolve to let no one take it away from you. Luckily for me, the latter is the case but the question is why?

Why, for me, did the constant attack and ridicule just strengthen my resolve to hold closer to the values I cherish and not just give up? If I had the answer, its worth would be priceless.

I have been called many things, a closet Mormon, a cafeteria Mormon, a Jack Mormon, for goodness sakes, I have even been referred to as a Molly Mormon so as you can see, who I am and what I am about when it comes to faith is multi faceted.

I refuse to have my faith dictate the acceptance of others. I refuse to pass judgment on any other human being. I believe the gospel I know and love requires an open and honest mind and that "knowing" the fate of another is only in the hands of the Big Guy, so to pass that judgment is treading on some pretty dangerous waters even when we pass it on those who are the most judgmental against us.

When we as a faith get our gander up we sometimes stop hearing the complaints of others. When we dig ourselves into the trench’s and refuse the opinions of others we lose the grasp of the love the gospel offers all people, regardless of faith or denomination. I feel sometimes that we become so offended that we turn defensive and aggressive in what we want others to know of ourselves. This, in the end, polarizes not only those that believe and think like us but those that don’t will polarize to the opposite viewpoint.

Thus the rage over Prop 8 and the backlash, vis-à-vis, the Big Love Episode. All points taken into consideration, every one feels validated. Is it any wonder that we have been singled out and in turn, what we value most, exposed for prying and ridiculing eyes.

Please don’t misunderstand me. There is no valid point, in my esteem, for Big Love to have aired part of the endowment ceremony. But listen; "in my esteem". But for those whose lives were directly affected by the Prop 8 vote, in their esteem, they had every right because we put on hearts and souls into the ruckus. You enter the fight, you suffer the blows. They hit hard but I am sure, in their esteem, they hit fairly.

So, I suspect you wonder my opinion. Well, since this one directly affected my life as my family is a avid watcher of Big Love and thus, that would require my "two cents" after the episode aired to speak to the portrayal of something I have great reverence for to my daughters I cherish so much, here it goes.

The producers of Big Love hit a low blow. They didn’t have to do what they did. With that being said, they could have done it a ton worse way but even still, too low for my liking. They handled the reverence and importance of it well enough but the portion of the ceremony that they exposed clearly stated their intent, and for that, I am seriously disappointed. I will probably wean myself from the show.

But here’s my opinion on our actions. If you choose to enter the fight be mindful of the consequences and for goodness sakes, do not underestimate your role. That will only fuel the fire and make the battle last much longer than it ever would have in the first place. And above all else, find a peaceful and gospel centered resolve without further fueling the fire. Suggesting removing a subscription to AOL is ludicrous. To follow that logic would be equal to saying we must all remove or cease viewing anything on Youtube, which has much more sacred content on it then Big Love ever showed. Does it make sense?

Here’s the thing. Hardly anyone watched Big Love prior to the controversy and the only reason anyone really knew what was going on is because we put a disclaimer on our web site. It was picked up by the National Press and became a big deal. Even the church in its press release commented that it was to just be let go but by then the momentum had begun.

So, my opinion. Much ado about nothing. The shows aired, did the church crumple and die, are testimonies shaken? Some maybe, mine not. My daughters take on the whole thing; "weird getup Mom and not so bizarre, not as much as I thought".

People, we are in the last days. Get used to having your faith tested and put under trial; over and over again. The reality is that there will always be people who don’t like us, they will undermine us and they will, oh my gosh, maybe even lie but the reality is we aren’t normal. We never have been and probably never will be and demanding others to accept us just isn’t always going to be in the cards.

If we really want to make this work, as a people, we must live our lives without apologies and still maintain the respect that others have that same right. You know the article of faith I am talking about. We must have no judgment, no critics, and no self righteousness. We cannot assert that we have the only answers and everyone else is wrong. Now is not the time to be stubborn and lose our purpose. Open your heart and your mind and strengthen your testimony with a resolve to be peaceful and have an honest and giving heart. Isn’t that really what the Savior’s message is all about?

Breathe

"Breathe, Let go, and remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

Oprah Winfrey

My asthma has flared up in a way that I haven't felt since I was a little girl. Breathing is so hard and the coughing, oh my gosh, I feel like there is nothing left to cough up. I really dislike this and I wish with all my heart that this would resolve itself.

I know when I am not well because my Rocky hovers and starts to lick my feet incessantly. It drives me crazy and makes me stop and think, what can I do?

My Bishop came over yesterday with his youngest son to give me a blessing. I love blessings because they always address the needs that are most in my heart. I can't control my asthma but I can control my stress. He relieved much of my stress.

I wish I could a take a big breath and just relax but right now, that's just not possible. I believe with all my heart that struggles are meant to help us and that finding the strength endure will only make you stronger.

Last night, as the coughing got really bad and the pity party was rising to the surface, I stopped and thought; live right now and think that this too will pass, it will end and I will return to breathing normally again. I need to keep focused on getting through now and not worried about all the other things that may seem impossible.