When Someone....

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. ~ Maya Angelo

I have lived this truth, I have known this truth, I have found such wisdom in this truth! I love honest and forthrightness when it is coupled with compassion and caring. My life is turning loops and now I am saying to the universe......HOLD ON..... I need to refocus and find my way!

So here goes.

I am LDS,


I have a strong testimony of the Saviors Gospel,


I am not judgemental.....


I AM HAPPY.....


I am proud of my children,


I Love my family so much,


I miss my Mom and her intuition and wisdom,


I love my Father,


I really love my sister,


I love my brothers,


I love my friends,


I especially love my kids.


Know this WWW. I am happy and my testimony is intact and my FAMILY will always be my first priority. I am aware of children growing up and I want them to know that I have full expectations of their independence and my cushion.


What am I on about. Most people do not take the time to really find truth if they have been mislead by half truths. I can't be bothered with trivial opinions that haven't taken the time to really know. Knowing all is the journey demanded of each other as humans. Sometimes it is easier to just stand idly by and be okay with only knowing half. But can half really be that satisfying and what if all we do is fill ourselves with halves then the wholeness of whole is never felt.


I am playing on words but what I am saying is this. When someone tells you something about themselves that takes great courage to share... BELIEVE THEM and honor them in the sharing!


I have great friends who listen and care and share and I am better for it and please don't even get me started at how lucky I am to have the family I do.


So what am I really on about.


All that I am and admit too, there's not much left unturned.

Negative Profile Attributes

Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Yeah....yeah. Sometimes hearing the negative can give us heartache but I have always ascertained that knowing both sides can only make your choices more correct. There isn't a statement in this that is false. Hearing it brings me peace and helps me to understand the people around me.
What am I on about today.

3 more sleeps and I am off to visit SLC and see my amazing family and do some work for my MOMMA. SLC is a coming home place for me as I lived in Utah when I went to school.

What did I learn there? That if I thought the fish bowl of our culture here in Calgary was bad, Utah was even worse.

I was lucky. I learned early on the difference in defined perfection and the perfection my Father in Heaven expects of me. I have learned, more lately, to define myself against what I know God expects of me. It is liberating.

I am grateful to kind friends who can say what they mean an feel safe in doing so and that I have been granted a healed heart to be not-so easily offended. I am grateful for growth and wisdom and the examples of some incredible people who live their lives in a way that though they seem more than perfect they are the first to admit their challenges and help you with yours.

I am grateful for "Indian_Rubber" kids who are pinging back and realizing that happiness is found in each others faces and hearts and together we make a much stronger rope than separately as strings of emotions.

And most of all, I am grateful to God.

Personality Profiles

Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.

But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

I love personality tests, all of them. Colours, Myers/Briggs, all of them and I am always fascinated but what they say. I took one last night and just kind of forgot about it. I opened it this morning and it blew me away.

As I was reading I just about fell out of my chair. Is this really me? I sure feel like it but how could it be so close to who I am. To describe me so well. Absolutely Freaky!

I read it to a friend and asked her what she thought? She shook her head and said. "Dead On".
Whats amazing is what I have done these last few days. I was scared. My kids were hurt and I was so busy that when I finally took a breather. I thought my tank was empty and caved.

I am in cave mode. Really looking inward helps me refocus and find the ZEN.

So maybe these tests help you understand yourself better.

I'll get to the negative stuff in the next blog. I just wanted to start on a positive note!

The Best Sermons are Lived, Not Preached.

An Old Comboy Wisdom

I have a friend at work who I adore. She comes from one of the stalwart and strong Chuckwagon Families and is a cowgirl to her very bones! She is the funniest and best. Her sayings and wisdom are incredible and more than anything else she is honest... always and what you get is what you get! I love that.

So here we go again, what are you on about!

Yesterday and today my kids have been challenged with the very subject of the title! What defines someone. The way they preach.... or the way they live!

I have four broken hearts not because they don't want what is happening to happen but because they have been dismissed and abandoned while the whole time they are being preached at and they are confused. They were asked to divide and what those that asked do not get is that we are very much a family. Those four kids stand together, united and strong and hell would have to freeze over, if anyone expected them to seperate, unless one of them volunteered to step aside. I can't even break their ranks, I would never want to though, because I will not always be here and they need each other.

I can't undo the preaching when it doesn't coincide with the living but I can be the best example of when it does jive.

I try so hard to be that. Please understand that. So if you don't get me, don't worry. I am just being true.

The gospel I know and love is not judgemental, not exclusive and not spiteful and even though this culture tends to it that doesn't mean I have to be a part of it. At some time, all of us who have struggled and suffered with not fitting in or measuring up will have a strong enough voice to make a difference so that the pain and the bleeding will stop.

If your LDS and active, look around you on Sunday and ask, is anyone missing? My guess is you know someone, probably more that just someone, who has grown weary of the bruising and just walked away to stop the hurting. Church should never hurt.

First, resolve to be different, to try to be understanding. Do you know how many people have no idea what my family went through and just judge us? More then you would care to know.

Someone asked me the other day, "Why do you still go"?

Here is my answer!

I have a testimony of this Gospel. I also know that the Lord's law requires opposition in all things. My children need to see that their Dad and the way he lives the Gospel is not the ONLY way it can be lived. That I can be active and happy and at peace and still accept and love them for who they are. That there will always be a place for them on my bench SHOULD they choose to return and if not, my testimony of the plan of salvation guides me to peace.

The gospel is true, always. Just let God do the judging and let everyone else live in peace.
Enough Said!

News

There is some news that no matter how you spin it, you can never make it good on the ears of a sixteen year old. Why do we, as adults, always expect others to be happy for us.

Yesterday, my children's world was turned upside down. The older ones simply realigned their life thoughts and blew it off, except for one thing. The baby bro and sis were hurt, badly. Before D even had time to process it the sista brigade had leaped into action and solved it in their own fashion. The two oldest took the two youngest out of contention and fought the fight without them even knowing and if I ever thought I was failing as a mother those thoughts are gone.

We are a family.

To those who are so heartless as to believe that children don't matter, even as adults,in a parents life, go back to the temple and listen to the covenants you make.

To the K's and Big D in my life, we are family! We have become a peaceful, loving, HAPPY unit looking so forward to a future together adding in those significant others that move us to be better people!

YOMOMMA LOVES YOU!

Please don't judge the church by the actions of others but by the intents of the pure hearts that love you!
There is good in our midst and we love you so very much!

City Sounds

I wanted to take sometime after work and walk through the downtown corridor to my car. It was one of those incredible Alberta fall afternoons where you aren't too sure whether it will rain, snow or the sun will burst through any minute. During my 10 minute walk it almost did all three.

I love this town.

I work in one of the most beautiful buildings downtown. You can see the window of my office in this photo. I have a spectacular view of the mountains and southwest Calgary.

I came off the elevators onto 3rd street to the sounds and smells of the taxi drivers waiting for loads to the airport or wherever else those patrons needed to go. In one 20 metre distance you can come across 5 or 10 languages. It's fascinating. There is a song that says these guys might just have a Phd. I sometimes wouldn't doubt it.


As I journey down the 8th Ave walking mall this is where Calgary's character comes out. It's lined with trendy galleries, vino bars and Irish Pubs. There is a new Thai restaurant I would love to try someday. The Bay. I have the greatest memories of that store. Dressing up with my Saturday shopping dress and gloves and going there where I was very young with Grandma Patterson. Soap candies and fries with gravy and the trolley back to the Chardie Road house. Now that brings a warmness to my heart.


As I walk further down the mall you come across the addicts and street people. I always wonder, should I give them something as they put they hat our? Are they really just going to buy drugs with it? What pain must they be in to have sunk so low? I am never so much scared here as I am sad. I think.... there by the grace of God go I.



I love the architecture here. The sandstone buildings and the way they are restoring them.It makes me so proud to be a Calgarian. It connects me to my 6 generations of family that have graced the streets of this great city. It's a honor I am so very proud of. My ancestors weren't pioneers of the Mormon kind, but they were pioneers all the same.




Then near the end of my walk, the city breaks

into a quiet solitude as you get closer to City hall and the Arts district. I have seen my fair share of plays and concerts here but it will forever be remembered as the place my girls danced their way through June. The Jack Singer, Max Bell, the Engineered Theater. My daughters have graced all those stages. One of my fondest memories..... Our Town with my favorite date, Mr. D. He loves the stage and quirky plays. I have raised a boy with a heart. I love it. I look forward to our TC date this year. I am sure it will be some "off the wall" play. I love that he has a geek living inside of him.

I love my city. I love most cities. I can't wait to explore Vancouver with the girls. NYC is calling, I would love to see the temple there..... and a Broadway show.

I am content in my home. Calgary is home.

Sometimes in the winds of change we find our true direction.

I learned something about myself last night that I hadn't realized until just that moment.

I am so different now.

I think I felt it. Things that used to drive me crazy just fall off my back, I am not afraid to ask hard questions.... or to hear hard answers and for the first time in a very long time.... I am... I am whole.
When that thought hit my heart I cried. Was I finally really happy! Can you cry and be happy all in the same moment? After everything I realized that what matters most to me is who I am to myself, to my kids, and to the rest of my family.

So, healing is possible.

My strength is still new and I am sure it will be tested... over and over, but I am at peace.
I am looking forward to doing some temple work for my Mom. I know she has watched this journey from her place on high, scared, if that's a possible feeling you can have where she is, and I know she has worried. I look forward to feeling her presence and in reassuring her that I am okay.

You're probably wondering how I know I am finally there. It's just a feeling you have inside. There will still be setbacks I am sure. I am just not afraid of them anymore. There is still residual effects of the years of abuse I went through but thy are recognized and admitted but never excused, just worked through.

So here's where I get to what I am on about.

Thank-you, all of you, you have made this journey easier than it would have been without you.

You all know who you are.

I am changing the sub title of my blog. I am no longer on the edge but solidly on the Terra Firma. Welcome to the last 10 yards and to being at peace. Always.

Beauty in the Moment

There is a place on this earth that will forever be a memory that brings beauty to it's fullest. It's tucked away and so easily looked over that if you didn't know it was there you would never have tread its path.

I have only been back a few times. I have the hardest time there. I feel so close to God there and what I remember is all that he means to me when I walk this path. You can be surrounded by thousands of people and not even feel or see any of them near.

I found this picture on the WWW. It caught it as it is. Serene and quiet and winding.

Memories like this, places where when you think of them, you smell them, feel them and live it all over again.

It's like Alberta in the fall. The smell of wet leaves and crisp impending snow. The rustle of the leaves as the curtain of winter draws the moisture out of them and they skeeter across the road.

The first chairlift ride up on a snow covered, minus 20C day ski hill and the powdered snow, still untouched, and waiting for the first brave soul to ride it's cushion down God's great slope.

Or a wet spring day or hey, even the heat of a summer night. All of this lives inside you, moves you when you think of it.

Memories are God's way of keeping you going when you just don't understand.

This path reminds me of the possibilities my life has. I am sure right now the leaves are changing color and the perennials are giving up there last moisture and retreating to a winters sleep. Renewal is forever the science of God's love.

It allows you forward with dreams and hope.

It is what becomes you.

It is you.

Circumstance

I wonder all the time why life is never fair or it seems that way. Why do some people seem to have it so easy and others struggle for every bit of a good life?

Today, a good friend, broke down and confessed the tragedy of her life's circumstances. I had no idea it was as desperate as it was. She is so strong and when you look at her you would never guess the turmoil. What's more is that I am not sure why her trails are so enormous. Why would God allow it?
She has been ever faithful and strong and she loves her husband and family. She has a son serving a mission. Why is this happening?

Will I ever understand this? I doubt it. I know that, for me, I have long since stopped trying to understand and focus more on the surviving with grace and dignity. The one common thread with those forged souls who pass through these trials is that they are so strong and faithful. Their example is what buoys me and gives me balance.

The times ahead with definitely shake the faithful. Where do you stand?

I know that for me right now being at church is a necessity. I am not there for the social club. I am there for myself and for the strength I gain from renewing my covenants.

Hello Again

I reached a euphoric ZEN of unimaginable heights and all because of a Diamond and a great seat. Can you guess? No, it’s not what you’re thinking. Come on… I’m single, a woman, and Mormon. I have a better shot at winning the lottery.

I am talking about a bucket list item and a dream. I have to be careful here, my bucket list is getting knocked off quickly but I have promised myself to never miss any chances and one came through compliments a very good friend.

Neil Diamond rolled into town last night. How many musicians do you know that can own a stage for 2 hours and still not sing everything you wanted to hear? Neil, Elton and James, the three music loves of my life.

I have experienced all three now, Neil being last night.
I was a bit scared. Neil Diamond holds my heart near and dear, not because of him personally but because his music brings me back to a time when innocence and hope where my greatest allies. When the greatest stress of the day was where are we doing lunch; the Cougar Eat or the Morris Cafeteria.

It was early fall and it was Provo. Football, classes starting and a frenzy of meeting all the new people. I lived on dorms and was having such a great time. Then the ward decided to have a computer dance, now granted this was 1980 so the computer filled a whole building. The science left much to be desired. We put in our forms and they popped out our dates. I can’t even remember who I got, I just know that my neighbor traded and my first date with S was on.

Almost 10 months later he was off to Thailand on his mission and I had Neil to remind me of him. I can’t hear any of his songs without a memory of something S and I did together flooding back into my head.

He was my first true love. He was my best friend. Do I regret not waiting for him considering the circumstances of my life now? No. Our lives have gone the way they were meant to. My only regret is that he was, more than anything else, one of my dearest friends. I miss that.

I don’t think M ever really wanted to be my friend.

So here’s to Neil and to memories. Thank heavens they are pure and good and that looking back brings smiles.