I had an interesting day today. My most incredible son gave his first talk as a priest. He told me about it earlier in the week and convinced me that he had the whole thing under control. When he came to me, last night at 11:30pm and told me he might not have been completely honest about that, I was able to teach him a valuable lesson on personal responsibility. I gave him limited guidance and told him it was his talk, his worry, and went to bed. I didn't get to sleep until nearly 5:30 am because I was so worried. I shouldn't have.
D has such an incredible depth to his precious young soul. I know it comes from the suffering he has gone through because of his illness. He gave one of the most touching and spiritual talks I have heard on prayer.
Here's an excerpt;
"I have had a number of experiences with prayer. As a little child my parents taught me that prayer was very important. I realized very early that many times prayer can help you make very difficult decisions easy. When I was young, I had a lot of health problems. I remember praying often just to stop the pain. Those prayers were always answered and even though I know that my trials make me stronger, having my prayers answered has made me spiritually stronger. "
He then spoke about an answer to prayer he received to know if the church was true. All I can say is WOW. Sometimes the strongest testimonies come from the most plainly spoken words. I am so proud of all my children but today I was especially proud of him, not because of his testimony, but because of his inward strength.
I had to leave right after his talk to attend a wedding of a dear friends daughter. Here we were standing in the cold pouring rain and I felt the spirit again. I stood there and watched as this incredible extended family of a displaced Irish community gathered in support of one of their own. A fractured family put aside differences and stood together, a daughter honored her mothers efforts and included her in the walk down the isle and all of us watched as an incredible girl began her new journey. I was so honored to be there and to stand with them.
I had an awesome day and realized the spirit can be felt in a pew in the chapel and the banks of the Bow all withing a few hours of each other. God is so great!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
It is easier to perceive error than to find truth...
It is easier to perceive error than to find truth, for the former lies on the surface and is easily seen, while the latter lies in the depth, where few are willing to search for it. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
So you can take this any way you want but as I read this quote it helps me understand the WWW and whats required to really know what it is you are searching for. Really, just google in your own name and see of you find anything about yourself? Even add your city and see just how accurate it is. Get my point. The WWW is great for looking things up but how much of what you get is truth and how much is a perceived truth.
Do you know what Internet apostasy is? It's real and out there and affecting so many people. I have read so much about our church and questioned so much. Answers are harder and harder to get but really in the end, it's about prayer. And reality is, sometimes people don't get the same answers. So then what?
As my wise Dr. W taught to me. I have to know that for me this works. So here's my declaration.
For me, this gospel works. As I try to live it, I make mistakes but mostly I am better for being Mormon. I choose this, as difficult as it is, because I do have a testimony.
I may not fit the perfect Mormon mold but my mold is unique and valuable. I bring to this church reality. It can be difficult and getting through it is the journey....Zen and all!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
When You Think You Know.
I have been thinking lately that I might need to cave again. It's kind of like circling the wagons and regrouping. My whole truths and loves have been challenged and finding my truth again is easier when I seek for myself.
There is this amazing article in the Ensign this month about abuse survivors. See, it's still hard to write that, or for that matter,even say it. But the truth is that as I read the article tears started flowing from my eyes as someone had touched a part of my soul that just isn't meant to be touched.
You see, when you come from this there are times when you feel totally crazy and wonder if anyone will take you seriously or think that sanity is ever going to be part of your soul again. I love who I am becoming but I still hurt and so do my kids. Sometimes people don't get it and more than that, I am tired of being a burden.
There will come a time when I won't hurt anymore. I am past the angry stage but now I am on a journey to rediscover who I was meant to be.
I think I need to be alone, for a bit. I think I need to find my testimony again.
There is this amazing article in the Ensign this month about abuse survivors. See, it's still hard to write that, or for that matter,even say it. But the truth is that as I read the article tears started flowing from my eyes as someone had touched a part of my soul that just isn't meant to be touched.
You see, when you come from this there are times when you feel totally crazy and wonder if anyone will take you seriously or think that sanity is ever going to be part of your soul again. I love who I am becoming but I still hurt and so do my kids. Sometimes people don't get it and more than that, I am tired of being a burden.
There will come a time when I won't hurt anymore. I am past the angry stage but now I am on a journey to rediscover who I was meant to be.
I think I need to be alone, for a bit. I think I need to find my testimony again.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
All of us driven by a simple belief that the world as it is just won't do — that we have an obligation to fight for the world as it should be.
So last night I was relaxing after a mind draining day at work and came across the National Democratic Convention on T.V.
Now, let’s make this perfectly clear. I am not a political junkie and really was about to change the channel to something more interesting when I was caught by the woman speaking. Michelle Obama.
You know words impress me and I was very riveted by the eloquent way in which she was speaking and by the context she was using. Here was a politician speaking about families and daughters and the love she had for her husband, for giving up the proverbial rat race of riches and toys to pursue reality and helping a fellow man. All this from a democrat. Go figure.
I am not American, but I wish I was. Finally, a politician who isn’t thinking of the bottom line but who might just have the heart of an everyday family as its call. Somehow, I am sure, that the definition of that family isn’t going to supersede the help they want to provide for it. That God can concern himself with how that family should be defined and that a government can concern itself by reaching out to all people, no matter how they define themselves.
Yeah, I know, that doesn’t sound very Mormon of me. I do believe that families should be as described in the proclamation but reality is that not everyone else does and to force my opinion or belief that it should be the only opinion that matters is against what I know the plan of salvation to be. I can’t and won’t judge another. I can’t. I have too much in my own closet to work through that I can’t take a chance at judging anyone else.
So here’s to Michelle Obama. Someone who has the courage to declare her overriding concern for her own children and for believing that making their world better will ultimately make a better world. For acknowledging that parents, both Father and Mother make a huge difference in the outcome of the raising of a child. For acknowledging that single parents can just as easily raise a child with high standards and values, though more difficult, and that if we as a society reach beyond our potentials and support one another along the way, society becomes all the better for having done so.
When I think about the above quote I believe in my heart that the agenda that should be met is not just mine but a moral conscious that takes in all thoughts and processes. That religion should not determine value but those values should be brought back to our religions and that living is done as a collective to insure that all have access to a better life.
So here I sit in Canada wondering if I will ever be afforded a choice that will coincide with the values and dreams I have for my future, my children’s future and my grandchildren’s future. I doubt that. What I will have is a bunch of stubborn bureaucrats that spend all their time name calling and accusing the others of political misdeeds that bind up my government like fiber does to a body, constipating any hope for a brighter and more enlightened future.
Oh Canada!
Now, let’s make this perfectly clear. I am not a political junkie and really was about to change the channel to something more interesting when I was caught by the woman speaking. Michelle Obama.
You know words impress me and I was very riveted by the eloquent way in which she was speaking and by the context she was using. Here was a politician speaking about families and daughters and the love she had for her husband, for giving up the proverbial rat race of riches and toys to pursue reality and helping a fellow man. All this from a democrat. Go figure.
I am not American, but I wish I was. Finally, a politician who isn’t thinking of the bottom line but who might just have the heart of an everyday family as its call. Somehow, I am sure, that the definition of that family isn’t going to supersede the help they want to provide for it. That God can concern himself with how that family should be defined and that a government can concern itself by reaching out to all people, no matter how they define themselves.
Yeah, I know, that doesn’t sound very Mormon of me. I do believe that families should be as described in the proclamation but reality is that not everyone else does and to force my opinion or belief that it should be the only opinion that matters is against what I know the plan of salvation to be. I can’t and won’t judge another. I can’t. I have too much in my own closet to work through that I can’t take a chance at judging anyone else.
So here’s to Michelle Obama. Someone who has the courage to declare her overriding concern for her own children and for believing that making their world better will ultimately make a better world. For acknowledging that parents, both Father and Mother make a huge difference in the outcome of the raising of a child. For acknowledging that single parents can just as easily raise a child with high standards and values, though more difficult, and that if we as a society reach beyond our potentials and support one another along the way, society becomes all the better for having done so.
When I think about the above quote I believe in my heart that the agenda that should be met is not just mine but a moral conscious that takes in all thoughts and processes. That religion should not determine value but those values should be brought back to our religions and that living is done as a collective to insure that all have access to a better life.
So here I sit in Canada wondering if I will ever be afforded a choice that will coincide with the values and dreams I have for my future, my children’s future and my grandchildren’s future. I doubt that. What I will have is a bunch of stubborn bureaucrats that spend all their time name calling and accusing the others of political misdeeds that bind up my government like fiber does to a body, constipating any hope for a brighter and more enlightened future.
Oh Canada!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Yommomma"s journey in inconvience
So yesterday as I was walking into the kitchen the wall up and jumped out in front of me. No kidding, out of no where comes this wall and rams right into my ever so precious foot. No sooner had it done that then I heard the clear and unmistakable sound of cracking bones and yes, once again, I let out an Irish swear and fell to the floor.
I have broken a toe once before and have vivid memories of the pain. Your reading the musings of a woman who just went through of the most invasive surgeries a person could go through and this still hurts more. Yeah, I was out for the count as I watched my baby toe and the one next to it swell up and change to all sorts of the most beautiful shades of purple.
I HATE BROKEN TOES!
Now here's the reason why. Toes in the grand scale of human bones are minuscule digits. They really should, for all intents and purposes, not be that vital to the human form, I mean, come on,.... really! But here I am my second day in completely incapacitated and drugged trying to cope with the throbbing and wondering... WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY!
I'm not a woes either! I have had 4 babies and a few misses, a ruptured gall bladder, my girly parts looked at and fixed and then, well, too much information but I've seen my share of pain and this ranks high.
WHY DO TOES HAVE TO HURT SO MUCH WHEN THEY BREAK?
And then I thought, hmmmmm, what's the LIFE LESSON here big guy? What is it I need to know?
I thought and I thought and then it struck me. I am having a fair amount of trouble with the little things left from the tragic circumstances of these past few years. These little things have almost crippled me, much like this little baby toe is doing to me now. I realized that little things, like toes and the other peripheral things that I am still dealing with can cause an equal amount of pain if not cared for and treated. So, as you can see from the photo, my toe is wrapped and stablized and feeling more comfortable, and as an aside, so our the few little peripheral matters that have been left over from my unfortunate circumstances.
My toe and my precious soul will heal. I am sure of it. Thank goodness for those outside sources of stability like duct tape (pink I might add...thank-you Derek) and church leaders and friends.
And in the process of the last part of the healing I get to enjoy all those purplish hues turning lovely shades of green.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
True Teacher
A true spiritual teacher does not have anything to teach in the conventional sense of the word, does not have anything to give or add to you, such as new information, beliefs, or rules of conduct. The only function of such a teacher is to help you remove that which separates you from the truth of who you already are and what you already know in the depth of your being. The spiritual teacher is there to uncover and reveal to you that dimension of inner depth that is also peace. Eckhart Tolle - Stillness Speaks
One thing that my Father taught me is to search words to find answers. I remember the first book he every gave me like it was yesterday. It was my sixth birthday and he had wrapped it so beautifully. I knew it was important because Dad wasn't a birthday gift giver back then, that was Mom's job. I slowly opened the present to unveil "The Pooh Story Book" by A.A. Milne, first edition. I felt that I had hit the mother load. I can't describe how special I felt that he had gone to the effort of getting me that book. I knew he saw in me the love of reading the was just gestating. I ran to my room and began an odyssey that lives with me to this day.
So why the quote by Eckhart Tolle? Because my Dad also taught me that day to search words to learn about who I was and what I could become. My Father is a reader, his library will testify of that. He has passed this to me in both his example and in his genetic coding. Words are my solace thanks to him.
Thank-you Dad, for not only teaching me to love words but to find in them the peace and serenity that can make me whole. My Mother was my cushion, my Father is my rock. You have been one of the greatest spiritual teachers I will ever have without ever talking about spirituality with me..... except of course, to teach me about those people at church that love to hear themselves intellectualize the gospel and blow smoke up every one's arses. (Sorry Dad, my Irish friends taught me that word.) Your honesty in life is awe inspiring. Please know that I love you Dad, always, and thank-you for being the clandestine spy in the minds of all your grandchildren.
I know I say it a lot but let me say again. I Love you Dad, and thanks...... for everything!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
ASSUMPTIONS
We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of these assumptions.” Stephen R. Covey
For a very large portion of my life this very idea was how I lived my life. It never occurred to me that being involved in every situation I witnessed or heard about or participated in there were always assumptions made based on what I brought to the thought process.
I remember a very long time ago, when I was early in my marriage I had been involved in a situation where I thought I knew what would be best for a person. I expressed my opinion, with all the expertize I thought I knew I had and watched as this person listened and then ruled it out. Now, you probably think I was mad for the dismissal of my words but in fact I wasn't. I learned at that moment that even though I might think I knew what was best, reality is that we can only know for ourselves. My assumption was that I knew everything to have an answer for her but there was so much I didn't know. I can easily say that at the time I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life.
I face assumptions that people make. I have to admit I don't do it well. I have struggled often with the feelings of whether to correct those assumptions that people have made about me or just live with them and move on. My daughters have had their lives turned upside down by the cruelty of assumptions. I think that they can devastate a life when they are incorrect.
I wish I could say that I am uninvolved in the cruelty that assumptions can make but I can't say that. I often fight making an opinion about some circumstance and in the end have to apologize or find some way to redeem that opinion.
Mormonism isn't just a religion it is your entire life and sometimes you can get so involved that you forget the gospel of living and it becomes a culture of living. I openly apologize to those I have hurt by making incorrect conclusions and not following my own advise. I openly commit to being more mindful of making the most of living the gospel for myself and less mindful of others way of living.
I will not fight the assumptions others make of me or my family. I will live true to myself.
For a very large portion of my life this very idea was how I lived my life. It never occurred to me that being involved in every situation I witnessed or heard about or participated in there were always assumptions made based on what I brought to the thought process.
I remember a very long time ago, when I was early in my marriage I had been involved in a situation where I thought I knew what would be best for a person. I expressed my opinion, with all the expertize I thought I knew I had and watched as this person listened and then ruled it out. Now, you probably think I was mad for the dismissal of my words but in fact I wasn't. I learned at that moment that even though I might think I knew what was best, reality is that we can only know for ourselves. My assumption was that I knew everything to have an answer for her but there was so much I didn't know. I can easily say that at the time I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life.
I face assumptions that people make. I have to admit I don't do it well. I have struggled often with the feelings of whether to correct those assumptions that people have made about me or just live with them and move on. My daughters have had their lives turned upside down by the cruelty of assumptions. I think that they can devastate a life when they are incorrect.
I wish I could say that I am uninvolved in the cruelty that assumptions can make but I can't say that. I often fight making an opinion about some circumstance and in the end have to apologize or find some way to redeem that opinion.
Mormonism isn't just a religion it is your entire life and sometimes you can get so involved that you forget the gospel of living and it becomes a culture of living. I openly apologize to those I have hurt by making incorrect conclusions and not following my own advise. I openly commit to being more mindful of making the most of living the gospel for myself and less mindful of others way of living.
I will not fight the assumptions others make of me or my family. I will live true to myself.
Friday, August 15, 2008
WOW
So I have this amazing daughter who really can fly...really. She has dedicated her entire life, almost, at least since she was 7 to dance. Now I know there are some people out there who think parents push their kids but in this case she pushed me. She wanted to be a dancer and bugged me til I signed her up and when I say bugged I mean she never left me alone. Once she was in she just went from there. Dedicated and pushing herself and having people comment all of her life that maybe she didn't appreciate all that natural talent she had. I knew better. I remember thinking that this girl is going to make it. And guess what. She has! I am so proud of her! She is moving away to dance in an awesome company and I couldn't be happier for her! She deserves it. She has worked so hard.
So here's to you baby! For knowing what you wanted right from when you were young. For overcoming the negative that kept saying that being a dancer wasn't a righteous desire and for finally being happy both inside and out!
YoMomma knows you've found the Zen!
YOU MAKE ME PROUD!