To Wai Fun Stella - May she REST IN PEACE

"A man's sympathy extends just so far as his wisdom reaches, and no further; and a man only grows wiser as he grows tenderer and more compassionate. To narrow one's sympathy is to narrow one's heart, and so to darken and embitter one's life. To extend and broaden one's sympathy is to enlighten and gladden one's life and to make plainer to others the way of light and gladness." —James Allen

I feel more hurt than I have felt in a very long time. I thought I had my feelings together, I really knew the outcome was going to be exactly what it was, I knew the answer before the question was even asked but nothing prepared me for the soul wrenching heartache of not being surprised.

What am I on about.

Bishop H phoned and they will not proceed with my cancellation without my holding a current temple recommend. What I don't understand is; if I have no intention of requesting a sealing why is it necessary to have a recommend to get a cancellation?

Before I even began this journey, I asked a ton of relevant and important questions and concerns with regards to the GENDER BIAS policies of the temple sealing/cancellation process. Bishop assured me over and over that it was fair and that the things I had read and heard about were over exaggerations. Falsehoods of misguided members. I trusted him and in the end every nightmare was true.

In speaking with the Bishop today I told him how disappointed I was that the church was demanding I pay tithing - the only thing that eliminates me from holding a recommend, to have my cancellation. Really? Really?

So, he can destroy lives, emotionally, spiritually, physically and verbally abuse an entire family for 25 years, not pay child support, and it's okay to have a clearance but if I simply walk away because the culture is so friggin mean I can't have a cancellation. I am not asking to be married again in the temple!!!! I am making no demands of the church except to acknowledge what the LAW OF THE LAND has already allowed and let me have EMOTIONAL CLOSURE! The answer back from the "Wonderful Day in the Kingdom" stake president who has NEVER asked or inquired how we as a family are doing is "no, not without a current recommend."

I am heartbroken - let me have CLOSURE! PLEASE! I sacrificed my entire life to the church. I served for over 30 years and all I am asking is to be allowed a closure to a life so severe and so damaging that I doubt any of us will be entirely healed. This is cruelty and it's harshest. This is kicking someone when they are down.

If you have answers to this help me because at this point my disaffection for the church has now turned to utter disillusionment!

Finding My Songs

http://blog.calgarypubliclibrary.com/blogs/volunteers/pages/reading-advantage.aspx

Finding time to Blog is getting harder and harder. Work fills much of my time but in reality I am trying to find purpose again.

Let me explain.

Almost 7 years ago I took my first step to finally having emotional health and well being. I didn't realize at the time just exactly where the journey would lead me or to what extent my whole outlook on life would change but my reality is that it has, all of it, been extremely worth it.

The cost however was at a cultural standing that over the years has proven impossible to change. For the 20 +  years prior to my divorce I was, over and over again, assigned church callings that required my teaching and leading amongst the Young Women and Women of the church. I served in the primary too but as a general rule, the callings were challenging and fulfilling, even the nursery that I was in charge of, with it's 65 children, yes, that's right, 65 kids.

The moment I left M I became invisible. I no longer was able to even come close to the YOUNG WOMEN and RS shunned me. Junior Primary was my calling and I was checked on constantly. It was frustrating to say the least. At first, I thought it was a penance and found myself deciding to do "my best" in whatever calling I found myself in but then I looked around me in that Junior Primary room and every single divorced woman in our ward was with me, I began to realize that what a better place to put the riminders of failures that no one wanted to admit were happening. I then started to speak to other's in the Single Adult program in other wards and found that the axillary I was in was a common place for all of us. I wasn't alone at all in my concern. A woman I adored had been called as the YW president and when her husband left her for another woman she was immediately released and had never served in YW again. She was a pillar of strength and dedication and could have easily remained an incredible role model but alas, there is no place for divorce amongst YW in the LDS faith.

I found myself needing a calling that at least challenged me. I wasn't looking for leadership but more something that felt like I at least belonged. After waiting nearly 5 years it just wasn't happening. Even in my calling as a RS teacher I was rotated in only every three months and when I did teach, the reception I received was the walking out of both the 1st and 2nd councillor who no doubt opposed the calling in the first place. Only once in the three times I taught did they attend. They made it clear it wasn't their idea for me to be there, the Bishop had called me without the knowledge of any of the RS presidency. I am not even going to address the reception I received from the 10 or so women who in the 20 some odd years I had been in the ward have not even changed their seating arrangements in the RS room.

About 1 1/2 years ago, I started to earnest pray for some way to fill the need I had to make a difference. Overwhelmingly, I was impressed that if this is what I needed it would have to come outside the walls of the chapel. I had the scarlet letter D,  and always would have it and because of it, my cultural life as a member of the LDS church was changed forever.

I started looking for opportunities and prayed over and over again. One day, I looked in "Calgary Volunteers" and my heart song sung. There it was, the answer. The Reading Advantage program at the Calgary Public Library was the answer. I could see that I could couple my love of words with the love I have of service and thus began my odyssey.

It takes over a year to go through the process. Criminal checks, interviews, matching to the learner, workshops. I can't even describe how I felt in the library yesterday as I finally realized my goal of being paired with a learner and starting what I hope will be years of service to literacy and learning in Clagary. I finally feel fulfilled.

My first learner, a young Japanese woman who's goal is to be able to read English children's books to her young daughter as she is raised in our beautiful country. Now that is inspiring.

I spent nearly 50 years of my life serving a religion that in the end simply spit me out because I divorced a cruel and evil man. The CPL welcomed me in feeling the great love for words and learning I have and accepted me in spite of what others in the church would say make me different.

My whole life I was taught service is a good thing and for the first time I am actually feeling like the service I render is deeper and more meaningful in the world community as a whole rather than a small judgmental portion of it. Not many members serve outside the church. I wonder why?

Meet Baby Johnson - Grandbaby # 2

Distractions and Other Such Maladies

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.” ~ TAO

So I wonder what would have become of me if back in the 60’s they had the diagnosis of ADD instead of the tag; “not meeting potential”. I think about it often. I always knew there was a word for what ailed me and by the way, what ailed most of my brothers and sister as well. Every school report card would come and it would say, “Doesn’t meet potential”, or my personal favorites; “inattentive in class” or “easily distracted”. Yes; life was sure fun in the 60’s when we walked to school on our own oblivious to any dangers, slept in bedrooms with lead paint on the walls and were left to our own devices in wandering the neighbor for fun instead of the perusing the cable TV channels. I have the greatest memories of Steal The Flag on Willow Brook Dr.

So, yesterday I was thinking about this as yet again the Dr. and I had the dialogue of using adult ADD medicine to manage my wandering mind. It’s crazy sometimes when you think about it. Really, I could have been a freaking genius back then with the kind of meds they have now to solve these kinds of issues. It was really bought to light when I was talking to K1 in Australia the other day and I could barely focus from the exhaustion of the day and she called me to task on it.  Sorry BBG!

What do you do when you get disconnected so easily? That’s’ the million dollar question for me now. What do I do?

There are so many variables outside of my control. I have to work; that’s going to drain my brain at least 12 hours a day. So when I am sitting on the sofa and W has to ask, gee, I don’t know, 5 times, to get my attention and goodness knows, if the TV is on, make that 10, I tend to frustrate a lot of the people around me. Is it worth it to medically stimulate my brain so I can keep up? I’m leaning towards yes. First,  because I am pissing off quite a few people with what seems to be a lack of concern and second; there will come a time when the demands will lessen and I can go slower then so taking the meds wouldn’t become a crutch I lean on for the rest of my life.

What do you think? Is it worth it? We medicate for almost everything now. Depression, mental illness, sleeping. I just don’t want to be a self help junkie. I want to be better but I don’t want it to come at a huge cost to my health.

I think I need to keep thinking on this. In the mean time, family, please have patience on the “zoning out” issue. I may have a bit longer in zombie mode, my apologies.

Culture Shock

Cultivated in the self,

virtue is realized;

cultivated in the family,

virtue overflows;

cultivated in the community,

virtue increases;

cultivated in the state,

virtue abounds.

 ~ wisdom of the Tao Te Ching

Phone calls are so enlightening to me, especially when they are followed by some AHA moment. I had one of those this week and because the Mormon culture is fraught with innuendos and gossip I really wondered if I should address this. Alas, it's time. That was apparent with the second conversation that followed in a restaurant W and I sometimes go to for a night out.

I haven't taken much grief about leaving the church, mostly it has come from a complete freeze out from a culture I was a part of for nearly 50 years. I will admit at times I have felt lost but mostly I have a sense of peace that had I known was available I would have probably quit sooner.  It's funny, you hear about not being happy outside the faith and in reality it is much different. There is a sense of forbode and struggle with the LDS culture that gives those within it a sense of oppression. All fate's trials that befall you are a weight you carry. The more trials, the more faithful a person is and at times many glorify those struggles. I felt so oppressed, so burdened, for so long. I carried every hardship both myself and my children endured and I could never rise above it. It was as if it was a tag of value worn to let others know of my great faith.

I define faith a bit differently now. It isn't about how others perceive my devotion but more about a very personal relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. As much as HE is God, He is still very much my Father in Heaven and my relationship has now become one of worship and devotion on a very personal level. It doesn't matter that I still struggle, it doesn't matter that life has many burdens. They are not a test or a causal result of unworthiness. Trials are what this life has within it's very evolution of our purpose on earth and we don't survive them, we find growth within them. An ancient Tao philosophy states that a lesson will revisit your journey until you have learned the principle intended from it to have you become a better person. In some ways, I see a large amount of wisdom in that thought process.

Another change of perspective for me is the reality of judgement, which is what brought about this blog entry. The phone call came from someone I have known for a very long time. His first question was simple, "why haven't I seen you?" Easy to answer. "I am taking a time out - it may be permanent, it is definitely looking that way." He asked why and then answered before I could. He reverberated his wish that it was different for me and then asked if W and I were moving. Now, this friend is a realtor who I used to purchase this wonderful home I live in now but when it came time to sell the condo the girls lived in he lacked the same enthusiasm to sell a property that he used to help someone purchase a home. He listed the condo, no takers and then 6 months later K2 found another set of realtor's who sold it within 21 days. I explained that situation and he accepted it. We closed the conversation corderly and I thanked him for having the ability to just call and ask, I respect that.

So, forward to the next evening when W and I are out for dinner. First, we ran into a good friend who's first words out of her mouth were that we were moving. She had heard it in the ward. We were heading to Comox. I laughed and told her that as long as the Sperm donor was unable to meet his moral responsibilities of our kids that I had to work and help as best I could to get D through university and be there for my beautiful girls as well. She laughed and wished things were different and we spoke about her girls, whom I love, and her husband who is a very genuine person. As they left I noticed my old Bishop. This man has known me for my entire life. He saw me and chose to walk away. I thought it would hurt more, I thought be angrier but what I realized was that he, and others like him where one of the reasons why not being there has brought about such great peace for me know. I owe them nothing and in turn, they own me nothing as well.

I doubt I will ever understand how people can ever think they know someone by being with them for a few hours every Sunday. I doubt that the LDS culture is the only one that is fraught with this kind of judgement. What I do understand is that I am happier than I have ever been now. I am less affected by the snubs and jabs of gossip and innuendo and I know that this is so because I have removed myself from the mores of a culture that defines itself in one and behaves as quite another. (please note here, I don't paint all LDS people with the same brush, I know there are good people there, they are just outnumbered.)

I am finding my way through a very difficult transition of redefining my centre. What I know to be true is this.

Sanity is first found within. Finding who you are and finding peace within that self is the first step to a happy and fulfilling journey.

When I find my own peace it is then that I bring it to the family table and it makes them happy.

Happy parents and happy children contribute to a better community where instead of being a burden we become adherents to wonderful relationships outside of our home. We help and not hinder our immediate social circles.

It is then that these radiate outward to a more social and caring world.

It truly does centre within oneself and the concentric circles then radiate a peace that seemingly "catches on". While I am making the changes that bring me the kind of eternal peace I have searched for for so very long this journey is new and inviting. I am excited everyday minus the frustration at it taking so long to realize everything I needed was within me all a long.

Love and Other Such Things

So, there are so many aspects of this weekend and all the natural tragedies and disasters that have occured that have left me on edge. I mean, come on, growing up Mormon you learn of the doom and gloom BS and "end of world" commentary. Who wouldn't be frightened. I spent most of my teenage years in absolute fear but was always reassured that I indeed was a CHOSEN generation.

Tangent coming!

I am a BIG LOVE addict for so many reasons and saying it out loud would most certainly have me thrown out of any cultural LDS circles but since my absence from church has more than cemented that, I just want to put it out there. Tonight though, I am pissed. I mean MAD because of everything that BIG LOVE does say about Mormons from the fundamentalists to the average "run of the day" true believers, tonight the the writers of Big Love crossed my line. BIG TIME!

This season the writers are playing favorites. For the most part they have been balanced, it would be a stretch to say fair, but balanced and man, have they got the Mormon culture down but what they had missed was a representation of those Mormons that make the faith so amazing, the good ones. The ones that get it, that live it because it is them, deep in their spiritual roots and they get the Savior's role in the faith and finally, FINALLY, they had a character who was that, who symbolized that. You didn't see the character often but when he did speak, he spoke for whats right about being LDS. Like when Bill's business became the target of a Mormon boycott and he came forward and criticized it. Like when he spoke of choice and acknowledged that whether LDS people want to admit it or not, Polygamy is a part of that faith and history. And tonight, they killed him off and it just wasn't fair! He was just the security guard on the State Capital but what he represented was the best part of being LDS.

He was killed by the fundamentalist prophet, which was symbolism at it's best but now, who is going to balance this drama. Where is the voice of reason in a dramatic conflict that seems to be heading towards no reason. What are the writers saying here. Has anyone noticed the parallels in this that might or might not compare to the history of the LDS faith. Maybe it's the English major in me that wants and asks why in everything I read or watch. I personally feel ripped off if I read a book or see a movie that didn't have me learn something and today, I don't know, I am asking why louder than I ever have. I have watched this show from the beginning, I have seen where they have taken the main character and I have noticed why they have even gone there even though I don't agree with everything they have said and done but why not balance this? Why not give a reasonable voice?

I remember talking to my Bishop I while back and expressing just how difficult church was, how truly hard it was getting. He said I needed to be there, I needed to be the balance. It's funny how funny that sounds now, that a place that should be welcoming and a harbor for faith needs a balance.

So why am I pissed?

Because as much as I felt unwelcome there still are good people. In every part of life you can find good people. Look at Japan. I saw a commentary on how there wasn't any looting going on and that everyone was helping each other and that is GOODNESS. Sister P always reminds me of what the gospel is supposed to be about. There is good everywhere, some places have more of it then others but there is goodness.

I realized something too, goodness is within. You can't legislate it to those around you but you can be it. Being it and being it to everyone you love can make a difference and I think I forgot that in my own self pity. I need to remind myself of it again, find it again.

Note to self.

Finding Peace!

I totally melted down today! I mean tears, heartache and stress. It all started very early. Let me explain.

I woke up at around 3:30AM this morning. I was pulling a Joy with the TV on and when I came downstairs I open up my facebook and found a message from a dear friend. They were heading to higher ground, the Tongan Temple to be precise because there was a wave coming, a big one and the highest point of ground wasn't going to be high enough. I was scared and was nearly beside myself. I woke up W and started to explain and I could see that he could see that I wasn't myself. He came to the TV and that's when we saw all the destruction and the wave, the kind of wave my dear A was waiting on a hill for and tears started to flow. W took me into his arms and I felt safe and more easy. Then, the TV showed the warning map and both of us held our breath as we realized the scope of the destruction that might be possible and right there, at the top of the map was Prince Rupert. D lives there and we both realized that this natural disaster was big, bigger than anything we had ever seen. W phoned his sister and she was shocked. Sure enough, they were getting warnings too. Wow, sitting on a hill in Tonga to a concern in Prince Rupert, BC. It makes you realize just how Small the world can be at times like this.

I actually had to step away from the TV for a time. I was having flashbacks to 9/11 when I literally OCD's my fingernails away. We knew the wave was hitting Tonga at around 9:30 - 10:00 AM and I haven't prayed as much, shoot, lets call it what I did, BEGGED! I thought I had called in all my favors for all the prayers I had been sending Auzzie way but alas, I am sure all the prayers that were going heavenward were heard and the path of destruction was much less that expected. My loves are safely back home and then it happened. I melted down.

I have so many loves in my life. I thought losing my Mom had brought me to accept loss but what I realized is that there is nothing I can ever do to stop the inevitable if that is what is to be but the fear came when I realized that there are some of these loves far away and that got me, deep inside and it all came out.

W knew exactly what to do to help and away we went. The mountains and away and in his arms I was.

Thank you  W.  Thank you.

I Already Know I LOVE YOU!

So I thought maybe I could find some profound quote or awesomely touching poem about the JOY I have at finally becoming a Grandma. Nothing, and I mean nothing can even sum up what I feel in anticipation of this great moment except how much it makes me miss my own Mom.

I can't even describe how wonderful it is to watch my children prepare to become parents and even though for some it may be a time away I have NO DOUBT that every single one of them is going to be a great parent.

So, world, meet my grandchild, all 12 weeks in utero.

And absolutely NO WAY do we get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. COLLIN's rules!

Bo Bo's and other Maladies.

Since forever or what may seem so I have been a Mom. I have been through more than the ringer with coughs, colds, fevers, heck.... even whooping cough and I have always seemed to know just exactly how to make my babies feel better. Now, as they are all adults there are times when I feel helpless in knowing or being able to make the hard stuff of being sick go away.

K2 was skiing on Friday and feel and knocked herself out. Can I just say, here and now, Thank God for helmets. Anyway you look at it, her tumble was huge and now we have a girl with a bad headache. A concussion. She's on my couch, feeling very malaise and hugs an kisses don't work anymore. As a matter of record, a bad headache can illicit some pretty grouchy behavior and to say I have bitten my tongue a few times would be a fair statement. What gets me though, is I feel that same achy way I did all those years ago when she was sick back then. Is that weird?

D has a locked jaw as a result of a sever under bite and his pain is immense at this time too. K1 is preggo and feeling pretty sick and K3 isn't fairing well either at this time. As a Mom, I wish I could bundle them all up, put them in their rooms here and return to that time when I could be the full time Mom I was once before I had to go to work. It's hard, what I would give to be able to just take care of my babies. I miss the days when that was the only worry I had.

Funny hey, that if you would have said back then that I would wish for those days again, I would have thought you crazy. Now, I wish it was all that simple again. Too bad wishing couldn't make it so.

Bitterness is Getting Too Much Of Me.

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." ~ Maya Angelou

These past few weeks have been hard. I’ve felt every emotion conceivable and wonder often if this will end, will I ever be over it; ever put it all behind me? Each time I see the pain in my kids eyes or see the consequences of their past haunting their current lives I get angry and then bitter and I just wish somehow there was some sort of justice. I know in my heart there won’t be but still, a girl can dream can’t she?

Bitterness has a way of sneaking up on me. It can sometime overwhelm me. It comes when I see the sadness in D’s eyes as he faces yet another challenge or feels judged; when my girls are having the best of their lives and want nothing to do with sharing it with him; when I have to walk away to find peace. It’s a hole I crawl out of far more than I ever think I should have to.

I want to be angry. I want to shout at him that this life he has, where none of the kids want anything to do with him is his OWN doing! Quit blaming me, quit trying to find anyone who will listen that it’s my fault and not his own. I want my kids to have that sense of peace that comes with knowing their Dad accepts them. That look, the one my own father gave me when I told him about not going to church anymore; the one that says I LOVE YOU no matter what. Something I know he is completely incapable of because if he was to give it, in his screwed up thinking he feels like he has admitted fault or given up his emotional control.

I want to feel peaceful all the time, not just when W takes me in his arms and protects me when he knows it’s all caving in again. I want to undo the 25 years of abuse and have all the years of love I always deserved but never seemed to get. I want to be selfish because it’s okay to be so.

Then I think, why would I be so special? Really, in the grand scheme of things my lot in life is pretty damn good. Bitter is a pill best left un-swallowed. Maybe I should have a huge vent feast. Get all the anger out and then let it burn off to ashes so I can finally see the horizon of hope waiting patiently for me to view. Maybe I should take my maybe’s and make them so’s. Maybe it’s time to just be who I was also meant to be before I let someone else convince me I wasn’t worthy of it. God knows I know my worth now, it’s time to let it go.

It’s time to do some thinking about the letting go. Really, truly and madly letting go!

“I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.” ~ Maya Angelou