T-MINUS Three Days

I never thought that this loss I have suffered would affect me so deeply and so fully and even in my head, I keep repeating... "he was just a dog, he was just a dog" but nothing seems to make it go away. It's an ache at the pit of my heart and it hits every time I walk through the door and he's not there, wagging his whole body because of his docked tail or when I pull the covers up over me at night and there give so easily because he's not laying on them. Rocketman was the one thing that made it that I was never alone... ever and now, I feel alone and I am fighting grief in such a profound way.

I am so grateful for all of the well wishes and sympathy afforded me and I know that loving Rocky made me a better person. I know that Rocky brought to our family, at least W, the kids and I, a great sense of belonging and now, I understand the literature and the movies that deal with K9 companionship. I fell this loss so much I fell lost.

Yesterday, W and K4 and a friend went to the mountains. It was beautiful there and for a few hours my mind was on other things. We ended up going over some barriers to get a better view and pictures and it was slippery and a bit scary but so worth it. We climbed back out and as I reached the top of the hill there was a man with his new puppy who was the spitting image of my Rocketman but three times the size. The man looked at me and saw my face - he said "no worries, he friendly, he won't bite", I told him I wasn't scared that I was overwhelmed, that his dog looked like the dog I had just lost two days before. He offered his sympathies and I knew, Karma or the Universe or whatever you want to call it had helped me to understand that there is hope and movement forward. I asked what the breed was and he told me and I knew that when the time is right - it will be a goldendoodle.... for sure.

I know there will come a time when I walk through the door and I won't miss my little man, I know that pulling the covers up will not remind me of his absence but my heart and soul have been blessed to be the companion of such a great little guy. Wow, how lucky am I. Wait, how blessed was I to have that great dog in my life.

My Rocketman

There are moments in your life that change you forever. One such moment happened just under 11 years ago when I let my heart open to a round golden ball of fur. He was alone and shyly looking up at K3 and I through the window and as our eyes met, I knew our song was harmonious and he was going to come home with us. The adage about the “puppy in the window” plays the aching chords of my heart as I type this. It feels in everyway that a part of my world that teaches me about the very basic rules of humanity has been torn apart and tested to see if it was ever real. I lost my most trusted companion and friend last night, it feels as if a part of my very soul has gone.

I said goodbye to him last night, tears are falling on the keyboard as I type. He was the PERFECT dog, the most absolute PERFECT dog and every moment of the life we shared together was a blessing granted to me.

How do you say goodbye to the soul that helped saved yours in some of the darkest moments of your life? How do you pay homage to the warmth that laid beside you as you curled into a fetal position searching you mind for relief when nothing ever afforded it? How do you ever come to terms with the loss of a dog who was your soul mate. I will miss my old man so much, so very much.

There was never a moment in his life that he didn’t give. Even in his death he hung on to say goodbye. As W brought him to me I knew he was going, I desperately want him to stay, I prayed so hard for him to stay but his purpose on this earth was served, he is at my mother’s feet now. To those who have shared this kind of bond, I know you will understand. I will miss this kindred soul forever, he touched my heart and held it through the worst and best moments of my life, I am forever in his debt.

I remember a time, at the darkest hours of my despair, this little man never strayed farther than a reach away from me. He protected me from harm, he made me laugh and he instinctually consoled me through so much more. He was more than my pet, he was my best friend. There are so many memories I could write about but my heart is broken in the remembrance and the pain still to close to the surface.

I know my loss is much less in comparison to the loss of a little girl I know who lost her mother this week and for that I am sorry. It doesn’t even pail in comparison and I do understand that but this hurts so deeply and so intently that I can barely breath.

Thank-you all for helping through this hard time. To Wayne who cradled Rocketman through what I am sure was the scariest car ride he has ever been on, to my children both near and far for their support and for my friend, who stayed to comfort me and do so without judgment thank you so much.

And thanks most to the ROCKETMAN for being everything God ever intended a faithful companion to be and then more. You loss will be forever felt in my heart.

 

New Beginnings

''When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.'' ~ Alexander Graham Bell

When I think of all the beginnings I have encountered within the last few years it amazes me that I have accomplished much at all but with each new step I have always been rewarded with growth and renewal and I am so very grateful for that.

I have had a challenging week thinking over the decisions I have made and going forward on them. One decision for sure is my new job which requires overtime and hard work. I have never been afraid of hard work, I actually welcome it as it can take my over analyzing head space and vacate the many worries that crowd it but having to go in this week and catch up reminded me that "taking on more than I ever thought" applies. I am, however, about my Father's business which means that throughout my life I have been both a florist as well as in geology and for that I take great comfort. I have and had incredible parents and following in their footsteps is an honor.

I knew my decision to remove myself from church activity to rethink my life in it would be hard, I even understood that I would lose friends but I was unprepared for the extent of that lose. A good friend, a while back, spoke to me about his feelings of "boundary" friends and his belief that members of the church are friends within ward boundaries but once your leave a ward or withdraw, friendships withdraw as well. I thought back on my church life to that point and realized he wasn't far off and now, in the midst of it and seeing that the friendships I did have really were mostly about opportunity he wasn't far off. Those who I though would be close friends for a lifetime really were just friends based on convenience. I made efforts but I guess without what they perceive as a faith they seem uninterested. I am sad over that.

A few friends have hung on and I am ever so grateful for that. I appreciate their efforts on my behalf. I have even lost touch with family, some I expected, others I am shocked. For a faith that deems family so important I am surprised that activity in church becomes a prerequisite for interaction.

I still very much love my life. I have challenges and hills to overcome. Goodness knows my demons still have a strong hold on me. I will never understand the incongruities of my faith. There are those who will say I gave up and there will even be those who will point their fingers and say "He was right all along". My reality is that the fight just isn't worth it anymore. I can't keep battling a tyrant who feels the only way to vindicate his abuse is to take my name away. I can exist where my name is less embattled. I just can't take the let down anymore. In reality, my salvation was that forgettable and I will find it again on my own terms.

I have spent my entire life in service to the faith I love. I can't even come to terms with the way that I have been discarded so easily, so simply. I will work through these demons and find my strength again in spite of my own feelings of abandonment. In my head, it seems I hadn't anything more to give that was required, in my heart I know I had so much more to offer.

So to my New Year I have hope. Hope in finding friendships not limited by faith or boundaries and hope that my family may see me for my strengths and not my weaknesses. I have hope that I can provide and example for my children and that they will have honor in my name. I have battled greater demons and I will slay this one as well. I am finding my purpose in a world redefined by circumstances. There will be lemonade served.

I look forward to further education both for myself - in photography and shared - culinary classes with my daughter K2. I will be heading down under to spend some quality time with K1 and A and visit a part of the world I haven't seen yet. I hope to travel to the mid east as well and visit my Dad before that opportunity isn't there anymore and I hope to build stronger and deeper relationships with those remaining a part of my life in spite of the decisions I have made. 2011 is a growing year for me and I will make it better than the 2010 as this year, 2010 was better than the year before and so on and so on and so on.

Here's to 2011 and to all it holds. May my path be full of beauty and curves and bends and may it bring me the Joy and Peace this journey was always meant to be.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

"Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion." ~ Dalai Lama

Each year at this time I write a blog addressed to those I love - my family. This year will be no different. Today however, I come at a bit different and I know that they will understand my words and my prayers more now that I no longer rest on a fence.

Life has given us some heavy blows and there will always be those whose lives lack compassion or to whom have faced even greater foes than our own. My heart rests not on the shared comparison but in the understanding that can bring anyone to a deeper sense of worth.

I love Christmas with all my heart. It was hard for a long time but with each new Christmas here we can remind ourselves of those we shared in my parents home surrounded by family and feeling the kind of the love this journey was always meant to be about. I take myself back to that time and try with all my might to bring it forward into my home now. I realized something this year that I hadn't really had a great grasp on before. The feeling of family is about forgiveness and compassion and acceptance. In understanding anothers journey without judgment we accept them unconditionally and welcome them to share ours and that is what this life is all about.

I love my family - more now than I ever have before and because they are who they are I am able to find in myself a sense of peace and compassion that fulfills me as a mother and as a woman. I love that feeling, I am drawn to that feeling.

So Merry Christmas - Lloyd-Patterson-Harasym-Smith clan and may the new year continue to bring you happiness and love. Remember that wherever you go, whatever you do there will always be someone somewhere who is thinking about and loving you FOREVER and ALWAYS!

I Love my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDbToBxhZUo

Yup - flying is awesome!

NAT KING COLE L-O-V-E

I woke up this morning and rushed off without even thinking. When I got to work and my day went into a full sprint I realized, almost out of nowhere, that I had forgotten to wish W a happy anniversary. We had gone out last night because he had to travel to Frank, BC to help his old boss so we actually celebrated yesterday but today is the 21st, our actual anniversary and I was awe struck, a whole year has gone by and it seems like it literally flew by.


I called W right away and we laughed. Even though we are madly in love with each other it seems we have little expectation of making it a grand or ostentatious experience. We fit well and we seem to instinctively trust each other. We know what it means to be hurt and we don't take much for granted but we don't level unrealistic expectations on each other.


Well, I have been thinking about what this year has brought to me. It has given me a feeling of self worth and wholeness not because W gave it to me but because what he does give to me is a sense of well being and a safe and trusted place to lay my fears and weaknesses without any judgment. He has proven that LOVE was everything I had ever imagined and dreamed it would be.


We disagree but do so respectfully and we have never fought. When we have disagreed we have spoken our way through it and we have tried to understand each other and the thought of ever feeling better or superior never comes into play - EVER. W brings to our union a kindness I have never experienced before in a relationship like this. He is the answer to the prayers I ever sent heaven ward about feeling what love was supposed to always be.


I love that I can cry and his arms cradle my tears, I love that with my greatest insecurities at play he shields me from harm, and I love that he is what you see and make no excuses.


This year flew by and it did so because the journey was always meant to be filled with the JOY that W helps me to see.


Thank-you W for giving me in one year the unconditional love and acceptance that was denied for all those many years before and for proving to me that knights in shining armour still exist. You are indeed my Sir W.


I love you.... always and forever.

Knocking

“It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.” ~ K.T. Jong

Why is it that when we wish left to our own silence there is always someone who needs to knock? So much of this past few weeks I have been searching my very soul for answers to unanswerable questions. Even when I have decided and have come off the fence there are those who feel strongly that they need to express their opinion of exactly which side of the fence I need to be on.

Case in point. I am at Costco purchasing items both for myself and for family and in my cart is a large case of Pepsi. Now, don't get me started on caffeinated drinks and the WOW. This prophet said this and that prophet said that which then just puts people supposedly on the same side in the same faith on differing sides of an equation that can't seem to be solved. Either way, a case of Pepsi in a cart for some can only mean one thing - SIN! Yes, well, guess who happened to pass by.

Now, my indecision is really a decision and when I saw the look on the man's face and as he shook his head disappointingly at me while his councillor, a person to whom I know drinks Coke shook his head at his companion shaking his head at me I saw all at once all that is about my faith that makes it so hard for me. Why is that some feel so obliged as to pass judgment when they have no right? Why make assumptions when you can't even know what truths lays there. Why? And above all else, what is it about this faith that makes people so comfortable as to pass judgment on appearance and not on knowing the whole truth. A case of Pepsi in a grocery cart isn't a can in your hand and even in that, does drinking Pepsi mean you can't inherit the kingdom of God, really?

Some of the Mormon's I admire the most, who have strong and stalwart testimonies, who have the Gospel of Jesus Christ living within their very beings have been known to throw back the brown sin juice so this one makes no sense at all.

This past week, the HT`s called, my VT called and this afternoon the missionaries showed up unexpectedly. I haven’t had missionaries at my door in almost three years, HT`s in almost 6 months and VT`s in some time. The phone has rung more in the last week from members then it has rang in the last 6 months. Did we get put on a list? Why am I feeling all of a sudden so overwhelmed?

Last week, I spoke to my Dad about my feelings and about my decision to stop. I said that I had hoped that he wouldn’t be too disappointed in me and he said he wasn’t. He understood my journey and understood the pain and that if anything his disappointment rested elsewhere. I cried because somehow I knew Mom and HF were having his heart open to understand. When I talked to the Bishop he spoke of how strong he felt my testimony was and how I need to hang on. It was funny because I know I have a strong testimony and that’s why I’m not worried. It really is about getting to a point when the pain just can’t balance the being there.

Nothing will ever be able to undo the damage that has been done. This isn’t about wanting justice or being right or proofing that M was right all along. This is about needing a break, about finding peace in who I AM and not what others expect me to be. I have realized that when others judge what makes you worthy or unworthy, more often then not, they are wrong.

Let me tell you about Jack, my HT before this last set. He is in his mid 60’s, married for over 40 years with 3 or 4 kids, I`m not sure. He came with Brother S and the two were the most unusual pairing. Jack hadn’t been to church in nearly 40 years and when he gave the message, he equaled Bro S who had served as a Stake President just a few years before. The two would come and we would have the best gospel discussions and the back and forth always made for deep thoughts. There was in the room a mutual respect and understanding and what I soon learned was being at church may not always indicate faith and testimony, Jack being a perfect example. I never knew why he didn’t go; it never really mattered, but what I did know was of his great respect for the faith we both shared.

So the truth is, I have no idea when I’ll return or even if I will. As much as my door is being knocked on now at the end of the day, it will be about the choice I would make to knock on His door. It always has been and it always will be. The pain at being at church was about my own personal demons and until I slay them, they will always be there.

The picture above is of a door and it’s handle that is almost 100 years old. The brass wear is hand stamped and the silver on the door knob worn off. Hundreds and hundreds of people have passed through that threshold and the stories of each person is unique unto itself. I know God knows me and I know He understands. His opinion and that of my immediate family is all that matters to me now as I rebuild and renew. I make this choice, I alone.

And as for the 12 page letter that reopened every old wound that I worked so hard to heal. It only showed the true colors of the one who penned it. It derailed me but it will not conquer me. I just can’t fight it anymore. I am  weary  and tired of the battle. I will not fight anymore - it just isn’t worth it.



If Things Get Real Real For Me Down Here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRX3k_im5I8

"If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to

Before you went away, if only for a day." ~ Missy Higgins

There are days when right from the start I know she's near and I can feel her influencing my song and my space and instinctively I know to follow her. If you had asked me that her death would have left such a void I doubt I would have ever argued but today, as I went through a monster transition I knew she was near and making my fears easier to bare.

I wonder sometimes; how would she feel about me and about my life right now? Am I making her proud or giving her peace, as I knew for many years she felt my turmoil just as much as I did. What would it be like to have a moment of her Heaven. I know it would be a beautiful place filled with all the people I love and she loved before. Is Grandma W and Grandma P polishing the silver?

What I would give for Mom's arms to embrace me and to know she understands my sorrow at her absence. I watch my Dad ache at her empty resting place on the sofa where she would watch  TV or when he stands in the kitchen where she would make his meal, religiously for all those many years.

Christmas is the season I feel her loss the most. Tonight, as I was walking the aisles in the Chapters store searching for Grandpa's gift I could feel her silently lead me to his favorite books, his favorite gadgets and his favorite treats. I know she would be happy that his mincemeat tarts found their way to his house quickly. K2 had the tree up and the house clean, as Mom would have, when he got home. What it must be like now for him. For over 50 years she was always there when he came home. Their marriage wasn't perfect but it meshed in a way that only people who have been together for 52 years could ever understand.

Was she with Dad when I talked to him of my concerns this week and for his soft and caring response so unusual for him. I think so. Tonight, for the first time in such a very long time I drove by Mom and Dad's house without going in. I knew Dad was there but I knew Mom was too and Dad being the solitary man that he is, I left him alone to feel her.

So the song, well, K1 being the creative genius that she is, mourned Mom by choreographing a dance to the song that most reminds her of Grandma; "The Sound of White" by Missy Higgins. Now, when I am returned to the grieving, I reach to the melody too and I can see Mom, watching K1 dance and being the proud Grandma all over again.

Anthem

"Steer"

~ Missy Higgins

Feel it falling off like clothing

Taste it rolling on your tongue

See the lights above you glowing

Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple, not hidden hard

You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings

And you've had enough

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know that you control where you go

You can steer

So hold this feeling like a newborn

Of freedom surging through your veins

You have opened up a new door

So bring on the wind, fire and rain

It was always simple, not hidden hard

You've been played at a game called remembering your name

And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know that you control where you go

You can steer

'Cos you've been listening for answers

But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know that you control where you go

You can steer

Year get out of the box and step into the clear

'Cos now you finally know you can steer

It's Starting to Look A Lot Like Christmas

Last night, W, K4, and I went to go see Rita MacNeil and Frank Mills at the Southern Alberta Jubilee auditorium. I was hesitant because I had gotten the tickets to take Dad to see the concert not realizing that he usually flies in from Thailand just days before Christmas. We had spent most of the day decorating the house and getting somewhat ready for the rest of the holidays. I thought for sure this might be a bust of a concert but I couldn't have been more mistaken!

Christmases before were very difficult. There were lots of reasons to disagree and even more to want to just be left alone. It was as if Christmas was a reason to judge us even more and in the end you just sat a listened as every part of what was supposed to be a joyous season would be condemned.

Yesterday, as K3 and I were wrapping gifts and setting up the tree and I mentioned how hard is was to shake the dreaded doom that used to define the holidays and getting used to W and his enthusiasm and she agreed. We have been making great efforts to change the feelings and grasp the true reason for finding Joy is the season but somehow the past seems to rear it's ugly head every now and then.

W grew up in a religion that didn't celebrate Christmas so for him, all of it, the songs, the decorating, the remembering why we celebrate it, is the most important part of the season and I can say that it is catching on. Last night, as two absolutely amazing Canadian talents sang of their love for the season and the many reasons why we celebrate it I found myself understanding just how lucky I am for the changes that have happened and for finally having JOY through the season.

Another thing I realized last night; it was kind of an AHA moment. It was that others, meaning those not a part of my faith, can and do have a very real and deep understanding of this holiday and the importance of family. I am finding myself more and more looking at how others work their way through their own faith and beliefs and seeing that we (my faith) don't have a monopoly on belief or the ideology of family or should we ever be sanctimonious about others and there traditions of belief. I have driven by the Catholic church for years on my way to Grandma's house during the holidays and the parking lot is full as our the streets surrounding the building. The Baptist church, the United, Lutheran churches all have full parking lots as well. Christmas means as much to those folks as anyone else. It's funny, I am almost 50 years old and just now I am starting to see a whole world outside of being Mormon.

 I think it would be safe to say that at this point I, by doing nothing, have in fact decided where I stand and how I feel. Church should never be hard or harmful to anyone and asking someone to remember that it's not the people but the church seems to be a cop out to accountability to how we are treating each other. I hate being judged and I hate even more being scrutinized. It seems that I may never be able to undo the damage done by the words of my ex or the feelings that others have towards me and the role they feel I played in breaking the family that for all intents and purposes was irrevocably shattered anyway.. I don't think for a moment that people care about the truth of what really happened. The culture breeds looking at people and judging and yet professes to do quite the opposite and I am tired of trying to fit in. I am focusing on my family and finding the Joy we always deserved to have. What Christmas means now is the start of a new life. I have found true happiness and Joy within my life now and focus on my family and finding ways for them to know just how special they are to me.

Today, we are making Poppycock, because for all the years I can remember, we did just that at Grandma's house and when we do this it gives us Grandma Joy back and all that she represented during the Christmas season.

Eagles

“Eagles: When they walk, they stumble. They are not what one would call graceful. They were not designed to walk. They fly. And when they fly, oh, how they fly, so free, so graceful. They see from the sky what we never see.”

My Father's family is from the Comox Valley on Vancouver Island. It is one of the most beautiful places on earth with the advantage of having majestic mountains and the ocean close at hand without all the congestion of the urban feeling of Vancouver. I can't even begin to tell you how at home my soul and my song feels there. I absolutely love that place.

When I had my surgery a few years back, Dad sent me to Comox to recover before I returned to work. I spent a week by myself, no TV, no radio, no pressure; just books and the ocean out the back deck and the beauty of that wonderful place. While I was reading on the deck one morning a bald eagle flew by. It was majestic, inspiring and so natural and my heart just felt full at the magnificence of it all. Bald eagles nest in and around the valley and there are some places where you can come across dozens of mating pairs. If you ever wondered if there was a God, you know there is when you see these beautiful creatures soar through the air and hunt for their food.

I watched as this unbelievable creature soared through the air and played with the currents to seem as if, at times, he merely floated. I think he knew I was watching and was showing off because each time I looked up he would swing by the house and then cast himself even higher over the bay. It felt at times, like it does in the temple, or on the mountains sides or when I just know how wonderful this journey is really meant to be. I felt blessed to be the recipient of watching his great ability at flight.

I went for a walk the next day down to Goose Spit beach. All along the driftwood were dozens and dozens of eagles. I believe that someone had been feeding them there and as they walked along the beach I realized that in fact, they weren't nearly as graceful in their earth bound movements as they were in flight. How ironic was it that something so beautiful could be so awkward. I recalled thinking of all the many people I knew who had such enormous talents in one area and yet seemed so ordinary in others. That unless you were witness to these extraordinary gifts you would never really know of the magnificent abilities these people had in flight. How many people do we know that we really don't know just how amazing they really are. I wonder?

I think that I am going to go out of my way to truly see the flights of my friends and recognize them for it. Maybe that should be a resolution for the new year. Maybe that should be the way I see my way through the funk I have found myself in lately.