"If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to
Before you went away, if only for a day." ~ Missy Higgins
There are days when right from the start I know she's near and I can feel her influencing my song and my space and instinctively I know to follow her. If you had asked me that her death would have left such a void I doubt I would have ever argued but today, as I went through a monster transition I knew she was near and making my fears easier to bare.
I wonder sometimes; how would she feel about me and about my life right now? Am I making her proud or giving her peace, as I knew for many years she felt my turmoil just as much as I did. What would it be like to have a moment of her Heaven. I know it would be a beautiful place filled with all the people I love and she loved before. Is Grandma W and Grandma P polishing the silver?
What I would give for Mom's arms to embrace me and to know she understands my sorrow at her absence. I watch my Dad ache at her empty resting place on the sofa where she would watch TV or when he stands in the kitchen where she would make his meal, religiously for all those many years.
Christmas is the season I feel her loss the most. Tonight, as I was walking the aisles in the Chapters store searching for Grandpa's gift I could feel her silently lead me to his favorite books, his favorite gadgets and his favorite treats. I know she would be happy that his mincemeat tarts found their way to his house quickly. K2 had the tree up and the house clean, as Mom would have, when he got home. What it must be like now for him. For over 50 years she was always there when he came home. Their marriage wasn't perfect but it meshed in a way that only people who have been together for 52 years could ever understand.
Was she with Dad when I talked to him of my concerns this week and for his soft and caring response so unusual for him. I think so. Tonight, for the first time in such a very long time I drove by Mom and Dad's house without going in. I knew Dad was there but I knew Mom was too and Dad being the solitary man that he is, I left him alone to feel her.
So the song, well, K1 being the creative genius that she is, mourned Mom by choreographing a dance to the song that most reminds her of Grandma; "The Sound of White" by Missy Higgins. Now, when I am returned to the grieving, I reach to the melody too and I can see Mom, watching K1 dance and being the proud Grandma all over again.
No comments:
Post a Comment