''When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.'' ~ Alexander Graham Bell
When I think of all the beginnings I have encountered within the last few years it amazes me that I have accomplished much at all but with each new step I have always been rewarded with growth and renewal and I am so very grateful for that.
I have had a challenging week thinking over the decisions I have made and going forward on them. One decision for sure is my new job which requires overtime and hard work. I have never been afraid of hard work, I actually welcome it as it can take my over analyzing head space and vacate the many worries that crowd it but having to go in this week and catch up reminded me that "taking on more than I ever thought" applies. I am, however, about my Father's business which means that throughout my life I have been both a florist as well as in geology and for that I take great comfort. I have and had incredible parents and following in their footsteps is an honor.
I knew my decision to remove myself from church activity to rethink my life in it would be hard, I even understood that I would lose friends but I was unprepared for the extent of that lose. A good friend, a while back, spoke to me about his feelings of "boundary" friends and his belief that members of the church are friends within ward boundaries but once your leave a ward or withdraw, friendships withdraw as well. I thought back on my church life to that point and realized he wasn't far off and now, in the midst of it and seeing that the friendships I did have really were mostly about opportunity he wasn't far off. Those who I though would be close friends for a lifetime really were just friends based on convenience. I made efforts but I guess without what they perceive as a faith they seem uninterested. I am sad over that.
A few friends have hung on and I am ever so grateful for that. I appreciate their efforts on my behalf. I have even lost touch with family, some I expected, others I am shocked. For a faith that deems family so important I am surprised that activity in church becomes a prerequisite for interaction.
I still very much love my life. I have challenges and hills to overcome. Goodness knows my demons still have a strong hold on me. I will never understand the incongruities of my faith. There are those who will say I gave up and there will even be those who will point their fingers and say "He was right all along". My reality is that the fight just isn't worth it anymore. I can't keep battling a tyrant who feels the only way to vindicate his abuse is to take my name away. I can exist where my name is less embattled. I just can't take the let down anymore. In reality, my salvation was that forgettable and I will find it again on my own terms.
I have spent my entire life in service to the faith I love. I can't even come to terms with the way that I have been discarded so easily, so simply. I will work through these demons and find my strength again in spite of my own feelings of abandonment. In my head, it seems I hadn't anything more to give that was required, in my heart I know I had so much more to offer.
So to my New Year I have hope. Hope in finding friendships not limited by faith or boundaries and hope that my family may see me for my strengths and not my weaknesses. I have hope that I can provide and example for my children and that they will have honor in my name. I have battled greater demons and I will slay this one as well. I am finding my purpose in a world redefined by circumstances. There will be lemonade served.
I look forward to further education both for myself - in photography and shared - culinary classes with my daughter K2. I will be heading down under to spend some quality time with K1 and A and visit a part of the world I haven't seen yet. I hope to travel to the mid east as well and visit my Dad before that opportunity isn't there anymore and I hope to build stronger and deeper relationships with those remaining a part of my life in spite of the decisions I have made. 2011 is a growing year for me and I will make it better than the 2010 as this year, 2010 was better than the year before and so on and so on and so on.
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