MoHo's

The other day I was with someone who was grilling me for the reasons why I left the church. Not in a bad way or even in making me justify the position but definitely in a way that demanded some reasonable explanation. We spoke for a long time and went back a few more times. I can't say whether my explanation of my issues would ever good enough for their acceptance but the wonderful truth of it is that it doesn't matter, it's my truth to own.

What happened though was the feelings, the old hard hurt feelings, and the unreasonable behavior that my family endured through and allowed without voicing a stronger and more verbal way to try and stop it seeped forward and I got angry all over again. There have been days when I just have wanted to list them, one after another, and ask; "would you stay"? Would you want to be there?

Then it happened, even though this particular issue wasn't spoken about, as my company was all sleeping through the bliss of the Trans Canada Highway through the Canadian Rockies, I started mulling over all we had gone through and I began to I fell vindicated. I felt at peace because this one issue alone was more than any family should have had to bare and we bore it through all four of my children.

What am I on about?

Let me tell you one part of our story.

There was a time in our history when the wonderful young people of the Calgary Alberta South stake had decided to nick name my oldest daughter, it became the standing joke as as she walked the hallways of her high school, stood in the foyer of our home ward. If there was a young Mormon near her then this most endearing term would be blurted out.

"Mormon Whore"

They said it in seminary where the seminary teacher - Brother Mandin - heard it and did nothing, parents of the worst offenders laughed and said my daughter needed to grow a thicker skin and it just never ended. No wonder she has no warm and fuzzy feelings about church.

Enter daughter 2 to the blessed high school with the first full time seminary and the cruelness that kept coming at us. It started out as "sister of the Mormon whore" and then the "sister" part was dropped. K2 was smarter - she literally had nothing to do with the Mormons but that didn't stop Brother Mandin from focusing in on her and perpetrating the label even more. Even with the limited amount of exposure to the Mormon youth those lovely "warriors of the last days" still taunted and haunted my daughters. 6 young women decided in their pursuit of the values of the young women program ( sarcasms here) to place a large sign on our front garage proclaiming the label. In this whole process it was the only time I saw a heart when our Bishop came to the house, saw the sign, and wept. Openly wept at the unjustified hostility. Just a few months later, she left too.

K3 was the third to have the title trust on her. She didn't have a chance. The label was there. She never bothered with seminary. Why would she, it wasn't a haven or refuge of peace. They was no unbiased, kind and compassionate seminary teacher there. It didn't matter who or what she did, there wasn't kindness or compassion available anywhere where Mormons were. I think by this time her Dad and I had split and the pain of his telling them daily of deserving the tile was gone. It didn't however stop the hostility and cruelty by youth that somehow were missing the point of all those lessons they were having at church.

D entered in Grade 12 having spent the first 2 years clear of the Beaverbrook environment. He wasn't there a minute before the label reared it's ugly head. This time however, there was a new seminary teacher. The horrible behavior only existed outside of the seminary building and for that I was grateful. What remained though was a group of kids with egos the size of elephants who let only the elect into the inner circle, it was a no brainer what was going to happen.

I have often wondered if I had been more vocal, more outspoken, even stronger would it have changed things. What is it about us that makes it right for others to treat us so badly? Where does anyone who claims to be LDS get off thinking it's okay to say things or address someone so abusively?

There I was, winding through the most beautiful country thinking through what could have been and then it hit me. All of that resentment, all of the hurt and pain really was such a waste of time. Why did I ever give power to such horrible people.

So fast forward a few weeks of sitting on this post. I was walking through the Costco parking lot, I am not sure why Costco is sanomoius to Mormons but it is for me and I got angry all over again. Is this what makes my favorite Talk show host on XM radio so vocal of the bully who terrified her all trough high school? Is this what makes people NEVER look back and ever want anything to do with their pasts. I get invited to Mormon weddings and mission farewells and homecomings and I never go, never. Why would I ever want to expose myself to the mentality of spiritual bullies.

I wonder in those ward meetings when they talk about in actives is the very members sitting in those meetings behavior ever called into question. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't be angry and I won't be hurt?

Lessons from the Momma Bird.

We have a bird's nest in the tree that is near are deck. It's a Robin's nest. It rests about 5 feet above our deck table and is, to say the least, beautiful. I knew we must have had a nest close as the two robins were around a lot but felt it was in the dense inner side of the large cedar bush. When W found it we thought just how lucky we were to have this in such close proximity. It was an omen of good luck.

Through out the weekend I painfully tried to catch a shot of the mom/dad hovering over the nest and in my patience I learned a life lesson from these tiny creatures and their parenting. It was, as I said, beautiful.


The nest is accessible, we can hear the little ones but they are still too small to see. The parents are skittish and when they see us watching them they fly away. They leave the nest, taking the attention away from the little ones and squawk, to the moon, to draw our attention away.

Mom and Dad tag team. That is so amazing to watch. Dad/Mom will rest on the power line while the other stays at the nest. Whoever is away will then search for food and when found will fly to the fence, make some noise and they will switch. There's no specific roles to follow, both working together as they raise they babies to flight.


As I watched these beautiful creatures and as they began to realize we weren't a threat I studied their movements mostly so that I could catch a picture. I soon started to realize that parenting, that mothering, whether done by humans or animals in most respects includes instinctual habits. These parents were protective, were stellar in their providing for the needs and in there way of trying in every way they can to keep the little ones safe. Is that any different than you and I as parents.

At some point, Mother and Father bird will be having to teach these babies to fly. This is where I say, as much as I miss her, I am glad Ping has passed. Hopefully Missy and Stano will be leaving them alone as well.


I can feel myself shifting back to stability again. I am searching for the truths found so much around me. Life has so many great lessons just waiting to be had.

The journey is just so wonderful, keeping focused on that will help.

So... added post note. This morning we realized Mom and Dad had been MIA for a few days. It appears the magpies were able to get to the nest. My heart hurts. Is this how all the Mom's in Oslo feel, how the country of Norway feels? Life is riddled with danger and just has the owl that killed Rocky was only doing what owls do somehow it feels empty somehow. I hate predators but understand they are all part of the plan. It just sucks!

Initiations

We woke up this morning to a sea of white. In defense of that statement, K2 did wake us up when she got in at 3AM to tell us something but W and I were so asleep we just agreed and fell back asleep. So, at 8 AM the puppies started to bark, I moved and found D and his friend T cleaning up the front yard.

I knew that this would be an inevitable outcome of his association to his band. It's a frosh initiations and happens to every first year member. They have a great rule, an unofficial rule, that if parents help clean up the mess the senior members will return and do it all over again. I LOVE THAT RULE!

It was interesting, as I saw what was really one of the best TPing jobs ever it brought back a flood of not so good memories. The time when our house came under attack for a number of years. If only it was TP'ing that would have been fine but it was accompanied by egging and traffic signs and Salvation Army donations strewn across the lawn. The motivation for that frivolity was not welcoming but hatred, resentment and jealousy. There was a significant difference between this TP job and those done at the Lake Bonaventure house.

I wonder how those kids feel now, over 10 years later about the acts of vandalism they perpetrated on our home. Every Sunday, after the Saturday night dance, we would go out as a family and clean the dried eggs off our home, even in -30c weather and then watch these same young men who did it bless our sacrament. It became increasingly harder and harder to not hate through this. Even to this day, apologies have NEVER come forth. Did they ever wonder if they crossed the line? Did they ever wonder why we were hurt? I mean, we welcomed them time and time again to use our backyard and they came and then we were rewarded with the acts of hatred almost every weekend for over 5-7 years. It became a nightmare, it became a way of life for us. As much as we tried to rise above it, it seemed to never end until we moved. The Bishop suggested we put into the stake bulletin that we were moving so that the kids could have a heads up so as to not do it to the new owners, he thought he was funny when he said it, I was just sad.

As I walked around this morning I was instantly struck by the difference. Before, it was about the intent. There was never concern for the property or the outcome. It was meant to be an act of feelings. Here, today, it was about welcoming. A strong and dedicated group of kids who wanted D to be one of them. You saw it most at the Grand baby garden where they could have damaged it so easily. In their haste, they could have pulled the fragile flowers out of their newly found roots and yet, they gently laid the toilet paper around the flowers and though it was, for sure, the best TP job I have seen in a very long time it was done gently and out of respect.

I think that's what the Momo kids lacked, RESPECT. I wonder if they have any now?

Frogs and Scorpions

One day, a scorpion looked around and decided that he wanted a change. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river. The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. "Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?" But knowing all about scorpions, the frog said, "If I let you on my back, you will sting me and kill me!" The scorpion argued, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!" Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. "Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN sting me & kill me?" said the frog. "Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!" So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws sticking into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current. Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs. "You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?" The scorpion shrugged, "I could not help myself. I'm a scorpion, it is my nature." Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river. ~Aesop

My Song

 "A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song."

~ Maya Angelo

Whenever I think of this amazing place I am visiting I think about completeness and home, in a much more visceral way, like it's you belonging spot, where my soul meets my peace. This is my safety, my healing sanctuary. I get why, I understand on so many levels why my heart is drawn here. Half my blood runs through the energy of the earth that moves and motions through the beaches, the roads, the trails. My father, his father and his father before him have travelled Comox Ave. My Grandmother walked these streets with me holding her hand. All of this is in me and when I am here, like when I am in Calgary, I feel serenity. This serenity however is tugging more and more with each visit I am here.

I am sitting on a bed looking at a basket in the corner of the room meant for my Rocky which I know my Missy will rest her head in. I listened tonight to my Dad tell me about his nearly 60th high school reunion tonight and how he WAS the oldest one there and I think how blessed I am to have my 83 year old dad still around.

Even in the pity party I have been having I have been able to surface to gratitude again. That is what my songs recalls here and that is what I needed most of all.

Thank you Comox, thank-you.

Walking Admidst the Storm

I am heading out to the island for a short but very needed vacation. This year so far is taking a huge toll on me and if I don't take a minute it is going to swallow me up. I learned something today about expectations. A lesson I think keeps coming at me so clearly one I haven't quite learned.

I have mentioned so many times about my giving nature. I need to just realize and stop giving without any expectation of anything back of any kind ever because then I won't be disappointed. I am not sure why this isn't sinking in.

Charity is unselfish and when I give I do so on the principle mostly of karma or whatever you want to call it. It's the pay it forward principle knowing that in reality very few people do so.

I need to stop, completely, before I give all of me away. I am getting close.

They say you earn respect but I keep thinking how much does it really cost. I don't give to earn it, but why can't it just be the change??? Would people respect me more if I just kept saying NO.

A good long walk on an ocean I feel my song through is so needed right now. So needed!

Social Suicide

Somewhere deep in my heart I can feel a transformation coming. It's than gnawing you get when you know something big is going to happen or there is a "A HA" moment just around life's bend for you. The anticipation is killing you and the sheer terror of wondering what it might be frightens the begebe's out of you.

I read back a few posts and started to realize the pity party I was finding myself in. It made me understand that everything I had read, been told and worried about was in fact my entire reality. When you leave the church, you in fact, commit a kind of social suicide of sorts and you have to re-establish everything socially in your life. The transition is HARD and you do actually grow in the end but in the mean time, you cry and your hurt and you get ANGRY. That's reality.

I have friends who have paved the way. They lost their entire social network too. It made me think.... WHY?

I hear the story of someone I once knew in Ontario only slightly who has suffered immensely at the wimps of gossip and innuendo as his family transitioned out. I communicate with a young man who remains active in unbelief because he can't loss the wife's family who WILL if hey knew, disown their own daughter and I have the young LDS friends of my son here in my home struggling to find who they are and express appreciate for the lack of conditions for acceptance in my own home and I know, if their parents knew, they wouldn't be welcome through my front door.

I am heading out to the island in a couple of days. I will walk along the beach looking at the ocean and I will ponder my path. I will say again, I have no regrets for walking away, just pain at the realization that what I thought to be so right was in fact superficial and hollow from the truths I held so dear to the friendships I felt so strong about.

Someone asked me the other day, did I ever worry about the words I pen here being a reason for the church to take action against me. I thought for a moment and said, "if my words were reason enough for them to discipline me then maybe that's the path meant for me to take." I can't see harm in expressing the very nature of all that I feel, it's a blog, a sort of online journal written for my posterity to understand me and why I feel the way I do. I am sorry if it hurts or offends others. I know I am a disappointment to some of my family. I know they feel I have lost faith. Nothing I say or write is going to make it different for them. I only know in my heart that these last few months have taken more faith and more courage then anything I have done previously. I still have and am proud of the strong and abiding testimony I have of my Savior's love for me and my journey. HE knows my heart and understands my ways.

The only word of caution I would extend now is to anyone who is reading this and wondering about their own testimony of whatever holds them to the church. Know this. If you express your concern, or your dissatisfaction, be prepared to have a lonely and solitary journey. There is no room for doubt and if expressed it will be a reason for so many to walk away. It is social suicide.

I am rebuilding and doing so with the love and compassion of a wonderful husband who has great patience. With children happy to see their mother out of the vice grip of a church that emotionally was strangling her. These are the people that matter to me. I hope that soon, I can find my emotional balance again so I can be everything to them that I should have been in the first place.

They Say Time Heals.....

They say that time heals all wounds, I wonder who defined the time line? 

I am sitting on my bed, it's 7:42 Sunday morning. My house is filled with band geeks, they are on my couches, on the third level floor, the spare room and in the basement. D had a party here last night and W and I left the house for most of the night last night returning home at 1:00AM. These are great kids, they give so much of there time and this is there way of burning off the extra energy. When we got home, the party was clearly not over but W and I slipped up to our room, shut the door and actually fell asleep.

This is how normal people do things, keeping the kids under your wings and yet still giving them some antonym. I wonder if my girls had have had this kind of freedom what would have changed in the results of their lives? I can't answer that question but what I can say is that D continues to feel out the freedom and continues to be a great kid as our his sisters in spite of what others might believe.

So, here I sit, thinking probably more than I should about healing and wondering what is it that is making it so hard for me to come to a resolve of finality. Why does my heart still hold anger and resentment and why can't I come to some conclusion of peace in my heart?

Every morning as I struggle to maintain a family abandoned by a supposed "honorable" priesthood holder, every last few days of the month when the calls come concluding the "contact" required to elevate the stats for home teaching and visiting teaching I get more and more resentment for the LOST time in holding on to something that harmed me and my family so immensely.

Would they have ever been a time that this culture would have ever seen me or my children as having any "value" at all? Here's the kicker, why do I STILL CARE? You know the value you held when the Bishop, rather then reaching out simple adopts a "good rid dens" attitude, when the quorum your new husband is supposed to belong to has never once made him feel welcome because of there loyalty to a man so abusive that if the truth were truly told, well, that's the catch in the LDS church, a woman's and children's truth will never weigh equal to a man who holds the priesthood, goodness knows men that hold the priesthood NEVER do anything wrong. I find myself swirling in resentment at the lack of forgiveness offered to my children and I and to the latitude granted a man who so easily abused those he professed to love.

I want to say I miss church, but I don't. I want to say I miss my friends but they have clearly shown that our friendship was based on the condition of my attendance. I want to say those once a month phone calls matter to me but I know they are just about a stat and a number. As long as the inactive was "contacted" they must care.

Would I change anything now? Maybe seeing the light a bit sooner, maybe finding a way for the bitterness to leave me so I could be more whole, maybe being less of a "religious zealot" with my girls and more "there" for them so the ******* couldn't have inflicted the amount of harm he did inflict.

They have support groups for people like me. It's funny, I still don't want to express or allow my emotions to be that vulnerable ever again. I remember being on the edge one day during RS bearing my testimony and turning and seeing the "matron" of the ward just nod her head in disapproval. Maybe if all those years ago, instead of trying so hard to fit in I could have just realized how I never was going to, how much heart ache could I have avoided.

That's the question I never be able to answer the regret I will continue to live with.

Here's to finally finding a way to put these matters to rest.

Defining Families

"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present."

~ Lao Tzu

As to my previous post I will reiterate that Father's Day can be difficult here. I was determined today to change that just as much as I could possibly have happen. Early this morning I woke up Boo and we went to a place I had been thinking about for months to take pictures for my portfolio and to document his love of music and all things Sax. He has a gift and when he plays my heart sings.

Today, we spent the morning talking and laughing and sharing, thanks Boo for reminding me how lucky I am to have you in my life.

Then a call to K3 and M. Family portrait time. There are some who would say they aren't a family, I defy that. They are the average family, they struggle, they laugh, they live and they love. K3 defines acceptance and JOY and as her baby baby grows my heart grows.
W was with us, helping me through the whole morning and I was able to get a few shots of him as wells. M, my sista visited and we went and visited K2. Then back home and lip smacking ribs were in order. I felt closer to God today then I have in a very long time.
This journey is so awesome! I just miss my K1 so much!!!!

Father's DAY

Tomorrow is Father's day. Around here that holds a bit more meaning because we find ourselves in a conundrum every year.

For me, it's simple. Though my Father was absent for most of my growing up I have come to terms with who he is in my life. There was a time where I held some resentment for who he was and how he was but after Mom passed he and I had to reach past our comfort zones to find a way to be Father and daughter. I have not heard my Father say the words "I love you" but once; the day my Mom died. There has never been a moment where I haven't known that he in fact did love me.

For my children, this day is very much an exercise in emotional tugging. Do they contact a man who never speaks to them? Do they reach out to a man who has done nothing to make resolve to a difficult and abuse filled past. I see the emotion of my children on this day and I have two very real and heartfelt emotions that surface. Anger and empathy.

Anger because, well, lots of reasons and empathy because I would do anything to make it different if I could, contray to some peoples opinions.

The dynamics of parenthood are so vast and complex. If it was easy, I doubt life would be as fulfilling. Growth comes from the journey having the challenges it does. I think that those who have awesome and complete father/child relationships are blessed. I feel strongly about the reality of a father's role in the emotional stability and health of teenage daughters. A girl who knows and trusts the love her father has for her is much more likely to have emotional strength that can carry her through very hard social environments. And as I watch D struggle I know just how vital a father's relationship in a son's life is as well.

W hasn't tried in any way to replace M. He has come into this house as my husband and has, when asked, offers his words. Yesterday, as D came back from the "pick-a-part with his new door because his car was broken into this week I peaked out of the window to see the two of them, W and D working together to fix it. I've seen W instinctively know to hug one of the girls when they are having a hard day. It's not perfect, I am not saying that, but it is 100% different then it was before and it is getting better all the time.



So, Happy Father's Day everyone, especially the two new Dad's we are welcoming into our family. May you know and feel the love that will forever define you with the purpose of the journey. It is and will be the most fulfilling and challenging experience you will ever have.