MoHo's

The other day I was with someone who was grilling me for the reasons why I left the church. Not in a bad way or even in making me justify the position but definitely in a way that demanded some reasonable explanation. We spoke for a long time and went back a few more times. I can't say whether my explanation of my issues would ever good enough for their acceptance but the wonderful truth of it is that it doesn't matter, it's my truth to own.

What happened though was the feelings, the old hard hurt feelings, and the unreasonable behavior that my family endured through and allowed without voicing a stronger and more verbal way to try and stop it seeped forward and I got angry all over again. There have been days when I just have wanted to list them, one after another, and ask; "would you stay"? Would you want to be there?

Then it happened, even though this particular issue wasn't spoken about, as my company was all sleeping through the bliss of the Trans Canada Highway through the Canadian Rockies, I started mulling over all we had gone through and I began to I fell vindicated. I felt at peace because this one issue alone was more than any family should have had to bare and we bore it through all four of my children.

What am I on about?

Let me tell you one part of our story.

There was a time in our history when the wonderful young people of the Calgary Alberta South stake had decided to nick name my oldest daughter, it became the standing joke as as she walked the hallways of her high school, stood in the foyer of our home ward. If there was a young Mormon near her then this most endearing term would be blurted out.

"Mormon Whore"

They said it in seminary where the seminary teacher - Brother Mandin - heard it and did nothing, parents of the worst offenders laughed and said my daughter needed to grow a thicker skin and it just never ended. No wonder she has no warm and fuzzy feelings about church.

Enter daughter 2 to the blessed high school with the first full time seminary and the cruelness that kept coming at us. It started out as "sister of the Mormon whore" and then the "sister" part was dropped. K2 was smarter - she literally had nothing to do with the Mormons but that didn't stop Brother Mandin from focusing in on her and perpetrating the label even more. Even with the limited amount of exposure to the Mormon youth those lovely "warriors of the last days" still taunted and haunted my daughters. 6 young women decided in their pursuit of the values of the young women program ( sarcasms here) to place a large sign on our front garage proclaiming the label. In this whole process it was the only time I saw a heart when our Bishop came to the house, saw the sign, and wept. Openly wept at the unjustified hostility. Just a few months later, she left too.

K3 was the third to have the title trust on her. She didn't have a chance. The label was there. She never bothered with seminary. Why would she, it wasn't a haven or refuge of peace. They was no unbiased, kind and compassionate seminary teacher there. It didn't matter who or what she did, there wasn't kindness or compassion available anywhere where Mormons were. I think by this time her Dad and I had split and the pain of his telling them daily of deserving the tile was gone. It didn't however stop the hostility and cruelty by youth that somehow were missing the point of all those lessons they were having at church.

D entered in Grade 12 having spent the first 2 years clear of the Beaverbrook environment. He wasn't there a minute before the label reared it's ugly head. This time however, there was a new seminary teacher. The horrible behavior only existed outside of the seminary building and for that I was grateful. What remained though was a group of kids with egos the size of elephants who let only the elect into the inner circle, it was a no brainer what was going to happen.

I have often wondered if I had been more vocal, more outspoken, even stronger would it have changed things. What is it about us that makes it right for others to treat us so badly? Where does anyone who claims to be LDS get off thinking it's okay to say things or address someone so abusively?

There I was, winding through the most beautiful country thinking through what could have been and then it hit me. All of that resentment, all of the hurt and pain really was such a waste of time. Why did I ever give power to such horrible people.

So fast forward a few weeks of sitting on this post. I was walking through the Costco parking lot, I am not sure why Costco is sanomoius to Mormons but it is for me and I got angry all over again. Is this what makes my favorite Talk show host on XM radio so vocal of the bully who terrified her all trough high school? Is this what makes people NEVER look back and ever want anything to do with their pasts. I get invited to Mormon weddings and mission farewells and homecomings and I never go, never. Why would I ever want to expose myself to the mentality of spiritual bullies.

I wonder in those ward meetings when they talk about in actives is the very members sitting in those meetings behavior ever called into question. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't be angry and I won't be hurt?