New Beginnings

''When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.'' ~ Alexander Graham Bell

When I think of all the beginnings I have encountered within the last few years it amazes me that I have accomplished much at all but with each new step I have always been rewarded with growth and renewal and I am so very grateful for that.

I have had a challenging week thinking over the decisions I have made and going forward on them. One decision for sure is my new job which requires overtime and hard work. I have never been afraid of hard work, I actually welcome it as it can take my over analyzing head space and vacate the many worries that crowd it but having to go in this week and catch up reminded me that "taking on more than I ever thought" applies. I am, however, about my Father's business which means that throughout my life I have been both a florist as well as in geology and for that I take great comfort. I have and had incredible parents and following in their footsteps is an honor.

I knew my decision to remove myself from church activity to rethink my life in it would be hard, I even understood that I would lose friends but I was unprepared for the extent of that lose. A good friend, a while back, spoke to me about his feelings of "boundary" friends and his belief that members of the church are friends within ward boundaries but once your leave a ward or withdraw, friendships withdraw as well. I thought back on my church life to that point and realized he wasn't far off and now, in the midst of it and seeing that the friendships I did have really were mostly about opportunity he wasn't far off. Those who I though would be close friends for a lifetime really were just friends based on convenience. I made efforts but I guess without what they perceive as a faith they seem uninterested. I am sad over that.

A few friends have hung on and I am ever so grateful for that. I appreciate their efforts on my behalf. I have even lost touch with family, some I expected, others I am shocked. For a faith that deems family so important I am surprised that activity in church becomes a prerequisite for interaction.

I still very much love my life. I have challenges and hills to overcome. Goodness knows my demons still have a strong hold on me. I will never understand the incongruities of my faith. There are those who will say I gave up and there will even be those who will point their fingers and say "He was right all along". My reality is that the fight just isn't worth it anymore. I can't keep battling a tyrant who feels the only way to vindicate his abuse is to take my name away. I can exist where my name is less embattled. I just can't take the let down anymore. In reality, my salvation was that forgettable and I will find it again on my own terms.

I have spent my entire life in service to the faith I love. I can't even come to terms with the way that I have been discarded so easily, so simply. I will work through these demons and find my strength again in spite of my own feelings of abandonment. In my head, it seems I hadn't anything more to give that was required, in my heart I know I had so much more to offer.

So to my New Year I have hope. Hope in finding friendships not limited by faith or boundaries and hope that my family may see me for my strengths and not my weaknesses. I have hope that I can provide and example for my children and that they will have honor in my name. I have battled greater demons and I will slay this one as well. I am finding my purpose in a world redefined by circumstances. There will be lemonade served.

I look forward to further education both for myself - in photography and shared - culinary classes with my daughter K2. I will be heading down under to spend some quality time with K1 and A and visit a part of the world I haven't seen yet. I hope to travel to the mid east as well and visit my Dad before that opportunity isn't there anymore and I hope to build stronger and deeper relationships with those remaining a part of my life in spite of the decisions I have made. 2011 is a growing year for me and I will make it better than the 2010 as this year, 2010 was better than the year before and so on and so on and so on.

Here's to 2011 and to all it holds. May my path be full of beauty and curves and bends and may it bring me the Joy and Peace this journey was always meant to be.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

"Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion." ~ Dalai Lama

Each year at this time I write a blog addressed to those I love - my family. This year will be no different. Today however, I come at a bit different and I know that they will understand my words and my prayers more now that I no longer rest on a fence.

Life has given us some heavy blows and there will always be those whose lives lack compassion or to whom have faced even greater foes than our own. My heart rests not on the shared comparison but in the understanding that can bring anyone to a deeper sense of worth.

I love Christmas with all my heart. It was hard for a long time but with each new Christmas here we can remind ourselves of those we shared in my parents home surrounded by family and feeling the kind of the love this journey was always meant to be about. I take myself back to that time and try with all my might to bring it forward into my home now. I realized something this year that I hadn't really had a great grasp on before. The feeling of family is about forgiveness and compassion and acceptance. In understanding anothers journey without judgment we accept them unconditionally and welcome them to share ours and that is what this life is all about.

I love my family - more now than I ever have before and because they are who they are I am able to find in myself a sense of peace and compassion that fulfills me as a mother and as a woman. I love that feeling, I am drawn to that feeling.

So Merry Christmas - Lloyd-Patterson-Harasym-Smith clan and may the new year continue to bring you happiness and love. Remember that wherever you go, whatever you do there will always be someone somewhere who is thinking about and loving you FOREVER and ALWAYS!

I Love my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDbToBxhZUo

Yup - flying is awesome!

NAT KING COLE L-O-V-E

I woke up this morning and rushed off without even thinking. When I got to work and my day went into a full sprint I realized, almost out of nowhere, that I had forgotten to wish W a happy anniversary. We had gone out last night because he had to travel to Frank, BC to help his old boss so we actually celebrated yesterday but today is the 21st, our actual anniversary and I was awe struck, a whole year has gone by and it seems like it literally flew by.


I called W right away and we laughed. Even though we are madly in love with each other it seems we have little expectation of making it a grand or ostentatious experience. We fit well and we seem to instinctively trust each other. We know what it means to be hurt and we don't take much for granted but we don't level unrealistic expectations on each other.


Well, I have been thinking about what this year has brought to me. It has given me a feeling of self worth and wholeness not because W gave it to me but because what he does give to me is a sense of well being and a safe and trusted place to lay my fears and weaknesses without any judgment. He has proven that LOVE was everything I had ever imagined and dreamed it would be.


We disagree but do so respectfully and we have never fought. When we have disagreed we have spoken our way through it and we have tried to understand each other and the thought of ever feeling better or superior never comes into play - EVER. W brings to our union a kindness I have never experienced before in a relationship like this. He is the answer to the prayers I ever sent heaven ward about feeling what love was supposed to always be.


I love that I can cry and his arms cradle my tears, I love that with my greatest insecurities at play he shields me from harm, and I love that he is what you see and make no excuses.


This year flew by and it did so because the journey was always meant to be filled with the JOY that W helps me to see.


Thank-you W for giving me in one year the unconditional love and acceptance that was denied for all those many years before and for proving to me that knights in shining armour still exist. You are indeed my Sir W.


I love you.... always and forever.

Knocking

“It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.” ~ K.T. Jong

Why is it that when we wish left to our own silence there is always someone who needs to knock? So much of this past few weeks I have been searching my very soul for answers to unanswerable questions. Even when I have decided and have come off the fence there are those who feel strongly that they need to express their opinion of exactly which side of the fence I need to be on.

Case in point. I am at Costco purchasing items both for myself and for family and in my cart is a large case of Pepsi. Now, don't get me started on caffeinated drinks and the WOW. This prophet said this and that prophet said that which then just puts people supposedly on the same side in the same faith on differing sides of an equation that can't seem to be solved. Either way, a case of Pepsi in a cart for some can only mean one thing - SIN! Yes, well, guess who happened to pass by.

Now, my indecision is really a decision and when I saw the look on the man's face and as he shook his head disappointingly at me while his councillor, a person to whom I know drinks Coke shook his head at his companion shaking his head at me I saw all at once all that is about my faith that makes it so hard for me. Why is that some feel so obliged as to pass judgment when they have no right? Why make assumptions when you can't even know what truths lays there. Why? And above all else, what is it about this faith that makes people so comfortable as to pass judgment on appearance and not on knowing the whole truth. A case of Pepsi in a grocery cart isn't a can in your hand and even in that, does drinking Pepsi mean you can't inherit the kingdom of God, really?

Some of the Mormon's I admire the most, who have strong and stalwart testimonies, who have the Gospel of Jesus Christ living within their very beings have been known to throw back the brown sin juice so this one makes no sense at all.

This past week, the HT`s called, my VT called and this afternoon the missionaries showed up unexpectedly. I haven’t had missionaries at my door in almost three years, HT`s in almost 6 months and VT`s in some time. The phone has rung more in the last week from members then it has rang in the last 6 months. Did we get put on a list? Why am I feeling all of a sudden so overwhelmed?

Last week, I spoke to my Dad about my feelings and about my decision to stop. I said that I had hoped that he wouldn’t be too disappointed in me and he said he wasn’t. He understood my journey and understood the pain and that if anything his disappointment rested elsewhere. I cried because somehow I knew Mom and HF were having his heart open to understand. When I talked to the Bishop he spoke of how strong he felt my testimony was and how I need to hang on. It was funny because I know I have a strong testimony and that’s why I’m not worried. It really is about getting to a point when the pain just can’t balance the being there.

Nothing will ever be able to undo the damage that has been done. This isn’t about wanting justice or being right or proofing that M was right all along. This is about needing a break, about finding peace in who I AM and not what others expect me to be. I have realized that when others judge what makes you worthy or unworthy, more often then not, they are wrong.

Let me tell you about Jack, my HT before this last set. He is in his mid 60’s, married for over 40 years with 3 or 4 kids, I`m not sure. He came with Brother S and the two were the most unusual pairing. Jack hadn’t been to church in nearly 40 years and when he gave the message, he equaled Bro S who had served as a Stake President just a few years before. The two would come and we would have the best gospel discussions and the back and forth always made for deep thoughts. There was in the room a mutual respect and understanding and what I soon learned was being at church may not always indicate faith and testimony, Jack being a perfect example. I never knew why he didn’t go; it never really mattered, but what I did know was of his great respect for the faith we both shared.

So the truth is, I have no idea when I’ll return or even if I will. As much as my door is being knocked on now at the end of the day, it will be about the choice I would make to knock on His door. It always has been and it always will be. The pain at being at church was about my own personal demons and until I slay them, they will always be there.

The picture above is of a door and it’s handle that is almost 100 years old. The brass wear is hand stamped and the silver on the door knob worn off. Hundreds and hundreds of people have passed through that threshold and the stories of each person is unique unto itself. I know God knows me and I know He understands. His opinion and that of my immediate family is all that matters to me now as I rebuild and renew. I make this choice, I alone.

And as for the 12 page letter that reopened every old wound that I worked so hard to heal. It only showed the true colors of the one who penned it. It derailed me but it will not conquer me. I just can’t fight it anymore. I am  weary  and tired of the battle. I will not fight anymore - it just isn’t worth it.



If Things Get Real Real For Me Down Here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRX3k_im5I8

"If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to

Before you went away, if only for a day." ~ Missy Higgins

There are days when right from the start I know she's near and I can feel her influencing my song and my space and instinctively I know to follow her. If you had asked me that her death would have left such a void I doubt I would have ever argued but today, as I went through a monster transition I knew she was near and making my fears easier to bare.

I wonder sometimes; how would she feel about me and about my life right now? Am I making her proud or giving her peace, as I knew for many years she felt my turmoil just as much as I did. What would it be like to have a moment of her Heaven. I know it would be a beautiful place filled with all the people I love and she loved before. Is Grandma W and Grandma P polishing the silver?

What I would give for Mom's arms to embrace me and to know she understands my sorrow at her absence. I watch my Dad ache at her empty resting place on the sofa where she would watch  TV or when he stands in the kitchen where she would make his meal, religiously for all those many years.

Christmas is the season I feel her loss the most. Tonight, as I was walking the aisles in the Chapters store searching for Grandpa's gift I could feel her silently lead me to his favorite books, his favorite gadgets and his favorite treats. I know she would be happy that his mincemeat tarts found their way to his house quickly. K2 had the tree up and the house clean, as Mom would have, when he got home. What it must be like now for him. For over 50 years she was always there when he came home. Their marriage wasn't perfect but it meshed in a way that only people who have been together for 52 years could ever understand.

Was she with Dad when I talked to him of my concerns this week and for his soft and caring response so unusual for him. I think so. Tonight, for the first time in such a very long time I drove by Mom and Dad's house without going in. I knew Dad was there but I knew Mom was too and Dad being the solitary man that he is, I left him alone to feel her.

So the song, well, K1 being the creative genius that she is, mourned Mom by choreographing a dance to the song that most reminds her of Grandma; "The Sound of White" by Missy Higgins. Now, when I am returned to the grieving, I reach to the melody too and I can see Mom, watching K1 dance and being the proud Grandma all over again.

Anthem

"Steer"

~ Missy Higgins

Feel it falling off like clothing

Taste it rolling on your tongue

See the lights above you glowing

Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple, not hidden hard

You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings

And you've had enough

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know that you control where you go

You can steer

So hold this feeling like a newborn

Of freedom surging through your veins

You have opened up a new door

So bring on the wind, fire and rain

It was always simple, not hidden hard

You've been played at a game called remembering your name

And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know that you control where you go

You can steer

'Cos you've been listening for answers

But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know that you control where you go

You can steer

Year get out of the box and step into the clear

'Cos now you finally know you can steer

It's Starting to Look A Lot Like Christmas

Last night, W, K4, and I went to go see Rita MacNeil and Frank Mills at the Southern Alberta Jubilee auditorium. I was hesitant because I had gotten the tickets to take Dad to see the concert not realizing that he usually flies in from Thailand just days before Christmas. We had spent most of the day decorating the house and getting somewhat ready for the rest of the holidays. I thought for sure this might be a bust of a concert but I couldn't have been more mistaken!

Christmases before were very difficult. There were lots of reasons to disagree and even more to want to just be left alone. It was as if Christmas was a reason to judge us even more and in the end you just sat a listened as every part of what was supposed to be a joyous season would be condemned.

Yesterday, as K3 and I were wrapping gifts and setting up the tree and I mentioned how hard is was to shake the dreaded doom that used to define the holidays and getting used to W and his enthusiasm and she agreed. We have been making great efforts to change the feelings and grasp the true reason for finding Joy is the season but somehow the past seems to rear it's ugly head every now and then.

W grew up in a religion that didn't celebrate Christmas so for him, all of it, the songs, the decorating, the remembering why we celebrate it, is the most important part of the season and I can say that it is catching on. Last night, as two absolutely amazing Canadian talents sang of their love for the season and the many reasons why we celebrate it I found myself understanding just how lucky I am for the changes that have happened and for finally having JOY through the season.

Another thing I realized last night; it was kind of an AHA moment. It was that others, meaning those not a part of my faith, can and do have a very real and deep understanding of this holiday and the importance of family. I am finding myself more and more looking at how others work their way through their own faith and beliefs and seeing that we (my faith) don't have a monopoly on belief or the ideology of family or should we ever be sanctimonious about others and there traditions of belief. I have driven by the Catholic church for years on my way to Grandma's house during the holidays and the parking lot is full as our the streets surrounding the building. The Baptist church, the United, Lutheran churches all have full parking lots as well. Christmas means as much to those folks as anyone else. It's funny, I am almost 50 years old and just now I am starting to see a whole world outside of being Mormon.

 I think it would be safe to say that at this point I, by doing nothing, have in fact decided where I stand and how I feel. Church should never be hard or harmful to anyone and asking someone to remember that it's not the people but the church seems to be a cop out to accountability to how we are treating each other. I hate being judged and I hate even more being scrutinized. It seems that I may never be able to undo the damage done by the words of my ex or the feelings that others have towards me and the role they feel I played in breaking the family that for all intents and purposes was irrevocably shattered anyway.. I don't think for a moment that people care about the truth of what really happened. The culture breeds looking at people and judging and yet professes to do quite the opposite and I am tired of trying to fit in. I am focusing on my family and finding the Joy we always deserved to have. What Christmas means now is the start of a new life. I have found true happiness and Joy within my life now and focus on my family and finding ways for them to know just how special they are to me.

Today, we are making Poppycock, because for all the years I can remember, we did just that at Grandma's house and when we do this it gives us Grandma Joy back and all that she represented during the Christmas season.

Eagles

“Eagles: When they walk, they stumble. They are not what one would call graceful. They were not designed to walk. They fly. And when they fly, oh, how they fly, so free, so graceful. They see from the sky what we never see.”

My Father's family is from the Comox Valley on Vancouver Island. It is one of the most beautiful places on earth with the advantage of having majestic mountains and the ocean close at hand without all the congestion of the urban feeling of Vancouver. I can't even begin to tell you how at home my soul and my song feels there. I absolutely love that place.

When I had my surgery a few years back, Dad sent me to Comox to recover before I returned to work. I spent a week by myself, no TV, no radio, no pressure; just books and the ocean out the back deck and the beauty of that wonderful place. While I was reading on the deck one morning a bald eagle flew by. It was majestic, inspiring and so natural and my heart just felt full at the magnificence of it all. Bald eagles nest in and around the valley and there are some places where you can come across dozens of mating pairs. If you ever wondered if there was a God, you know there is when you see these beautiful creatures soar through the air and hunt for their food.

I watched as this unbelievable creature soared through the air and played with the currents to seem as if, at times, he merely floated. I think he knew I was watching and was showing off because each time I looked up he would swing by the house and then cast himself even higher over the bay. It felt at times, like it does in the temple, or on the mountains sides or when I just know how wonderful this journey is really meant to be. I felt blessed to be the recipient of watching his great ability at flight.

I went for a walk the next day down to Goose Spit beach. All along the driftwood were dozens and dozens of eagles. I believe that someone had been feeding them there and as they walked along the beach I realized that in fact, they weren't nearly as graceful in their earth bound movements as they were in flight. How ironic was it that something so beautiful could be so awkward. I recalled thinking of all the many people I knew who had such enormous talents in one area and yet seemed so ordinary in others. That unless you were witness to these extraordinary gifts you would never really know of the magnificent abilities these people had in flight. How many people do we know that we really don't know just how amazing they really are. I wonder?

I think that I am going to go out of my way to truly see the flights of my friends and recognize them for it. Maybe that should be a resolution for the new year. Maybe that should be the way I see my way through the funk I have found myself in lately.

Each Person Knows Only Their Own Pain

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” ~ Paulo Coelho

When someone has been the victim of mental/emotional abuse for so long one of the difficult and lasting effects rests directly on self esteem. It’s insidious in nature and can affect the victim for life. Years of counseling and trusting the Lord has helped me to surface and breathe again. My daughters struggle as well. My son escaped most of it because we left before any lasting scars could take hold.

A residual result of this abuse has been to be angry at everything that comes close to the emotional weapons that were used against us for so many years and unfortunately, one of those weapons was the church.

It has been brought to my attention that I may sound angry at the church and have offended some who feel it’s a personal attack against their belief system. For this, I am sorry; that wasn’t my intent. I have to be clearer as to whom my disappointment rests. It isn’t the church, it is very much a people issue and when I say that, I don’t mean everyone.

Let me explain.

For many years, the church was used as a weapon in our home. In my case, for example, I was never my ex.’s spiritual equal, ever. He reminded me of this my whole married life to him and saw it as the reason he was failing at everything in his life. His prayers, his blessings, his everything was used to remind us of how we were failing him. Through family prayers, scripture reading, family home evening lessons he would simple batter the lessons home and call us to repentance. Now please, let me say here, that the Father does have and should use the gospel to help children grow and learn but when it is used in such a narcissistic way, it only compares to a hammer, heck, an anvil being bluntly used to beat you down. Doctor Z alluded to it being the equivalent of rolling up the Ensign magazine and striking over and over again until you begged for mercy, and even then, he didn’t stop. How many times I prayed for some sort of change, something that would make our family succeed.

This was a difficult life for us and while in it, hope was difficult to fathom. One expectation he did have was that our dirty laundry was to stay within the walls of our home. Airing it anywhere else was forbidden and so, nothing changed. It wasn’t until it became unbearable and that it was written over all of our faces that people began to notice. Someone reached out and healing began for us and campaigning became his new weapon. His comments equaled calling his daughters horrible names not just to their faces but to any one who stopped and listened, or for that matter, didn’t stop. He was aggressive in his defense and it didn’t matter who he took down in the process. Ultimately, there were no more family secrets and the dirty laundry from his perspective was blowing all over the place.

This is when it started to get very difficult for me.

M told anyone who would listen what he felt were the reasons for the demise of our family. To this day he tells people I walked out on him. He hasn’t the ability to understand that walking out was the only option left as he refused to even acknowledge he was doing anything wrong. It was a sink or swim situation and I chose to swim and free myself and the kids from his tyranny.

I have paid a dear price to this day for his words he continues to use to describe our marriage. People who feel strongly that I deserted him and took away his family are openly hostile towards me. I could give examples but the point would be mute. What I can describe is the heartache that accompanies it and the feeling of surrender I fight with daily.

Imagine someone who has known you since you were a little girl, who has been an open supporter and friend suddenly turns his back on you, snarls and curses you and when assigned to HT you will not enter your home but teaches you in the middle of the street because of what or why, you never get to know, you just feel the hatred and say nothing because in the end, what purpose does it serve. Imagine not be acknowledged or spoken to by people who have known you for ever. Having someone at a High Priest Social, who doesn’t even know you goes to address your new fiancee about how evil you are because he was told by a reliable source, the ex’s step mother, because she truly is unbiased, right? Imagine your own brother turning his back on you. If you can, then you have walked just a short time in the shoes I wear each day.

I am not trying to sound like a pity party. I am just tired and sad and hurt because I have dedicated my whole life to being a member and now, I find myself so dispensable, so unliked, so forgotten and everyday is a struggle to survive in the faith I love. I can’t address the financial and emotional abandonment that has occurred of my children by the man these people think is a saint. I can’t even address the abuse because it serves no purpose to do so and because of that, church has become difficult, downright hard. Feeling accepted and safe is not something that I have in the chapel and building I have gone to for over 25 years. That is what I am frustrated with, that is what brings me great pain.

The gospel is important to me. The testimony I have has transitioned into something much more personal. I don’t bear my testimony on Fast Sundays; I barely speak at church because it hurts so much to be there. Why does it hurt? Because plenty of members have made it clear that I am not equal.

How I long to feel like I belong there. How much I wish that the members could see me for who I really am and not the person that M painted me to be? Church used to be such a friendly and welcoming place, it is so much different for me now. I have tried to ignore it, tried to be positive, tried to oversee the weaknesses we all have, me included and just keep going. Over and over again I am gently and not so gently reminded of my station on the LDS cultural ladder. When things do happen, I am given the advice to continue to utilize the atonement and find forgiveness. It never seems to end, ever.

Recently, the circumstances were so much more personal. I felt stripped and bare to my efforts. Now, even in my hopes of bringing attention to the issue of how we treat each other and to finding ways to have church a welcoming place, some have felt my attacks too personal and against the church. I can’t win for losing here. How much would it take to drawn attention to the harm caused by the judgment and criticism so readily practiced within our faith or to simply find voice and have it addressed to allow those who feel already so bad about themselves, safe within the place they choose to worship? Too much I think, too much.

When we look at the statistics of the church, I am not alone in this. Over and over again I hear of the many who simply gave up because it just wasn’t worth it anymore. I am fighting that so much right now, so very much. It would be easy to join my children and to just be with them. They speak so much of the freedom from not being there, of the value you can find in yourself when you aren’t undervalued by the organization which holds your truths.

So, I will state, unequivocally my belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ and in its purpose here on earth. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet and a man and I know that for me it is the gospel that holds my heart. If at anytime you have felt that I have no love for the gospel I am sorry. It is, above all else, the people that give me great pause. I will be more careful to be clear on that in future blog entries I make. I am sorry if I have offended you.

Musings and Other Habits - Overthinking or Deciding

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace” ~ Jimi Hendrix

It’s funny; I lived in this surreal environment for so long that I have a hard time determining normal from dysfunction. It’s when I have the help of others that things are brought into a better perspective.

Have you ever wondered why the Savior had a three year mission before the very real reason he came here for was finally brought about. I am speaking of the atonement here. I was reading a dialogue between two people once, one was a member of a religion very familiar to me and the other, a Born Again Christian. The BAC was speaking of the words of the Savior and as he did, you could really understand the message. The other kept asserting the atonement and the resurrection and then it dawned on me. We study four volumes of scripture and they, one. Their entire focus is Jesus Christ and for that, hands down, they have an edge in knowing Him in their perspective.

It made me think; do I know the Savior? Besides His atonement, which I have great debt for, what more do I know about His life, His mission and what He taught in those three years He travelled with his disciples through Israel. I went about finding out, I still am, and because of that I have learned so much.

When Jesus laid down the tools of a carpenter and went forth changing a system ill equipped or wanting of change He came across so many unwilling to hear Him. The same could be said now, how many of us hear Him?

My sister taught me the greatest lesson of all about this when she said, “it isn’t about having others treat you as you would have them do but to find out how THEY wanted to be treated and then go about it”. In other words, serve – and then serve again and when you think you have served enough go out and do some more. I have slowed considerably in this department and always though it meant the church callings you had. Not so. Serving is done in so many different ways and can be just about the service to your family. I have a long way to go before I am anywhere near perfect here but alas, at least I get the message now.

I am making a monumental decision right now, one that Mom had to make at a certain point in her life as well. When I asked her why she made this one, her answer was so simple, “It just wasn’t worth it anymore”. I think now, more than ever, I get what she was saying to me. Sometimes, it just isn’t and turning yourself inside out about it doesn’t make sense. She set herself to being the matriarch of our family and she did a damn good job of it. She was and continues to be a great example of what the priorities should be in your life.

So here’s what it is in a nutshell. I don’t fit in, too many words, too many accusations, too much pain. It’s not a timeout – it’s a a break until I can figure out why I am there in the first place.