There's a Storm A Brewing!

So, lessons come from so many sources. Sometimes they are there, sitting in front of you and you don't have to do that much because you are smart enough to see the writing on the wall. Other times, you ignore all the warning signs and BAMB, you're hit and you make your way through it. Either way, looking at these important times and gleaning from them the lessons that help you grow are the building blocks to a better you and so worth the trouble of wading through them. Case in point.

Yesterday morning in Lethbridge was pretty stellar. A bit cold but a beautiful open blue and someone clouded  Alberta sky and a journey of getting the "BIG STUFF' of W's up to Calgary. We took our time and finally hit the road at around 11:00 a.m. W had some walkies talkies and we chatted back and forth as we headed up the Highway 2.

Now, in my life and especially in the last year I have driven this road enumerable times. I know it like the back of my hand and I reverence it as it has taken the lives of some friends and I know that you can't take anything for granted, especially the presence of the most honored RCMP. My driver's record can attest to that.

The sky as you are driving this beautiful highway is most of the time; open and glorious all the way east to where ever the horizon meets the plains and to the west where it intersects with the mighty Rockies. The one thing this immense sky does do very well is warn. It reveals with no hesitation the weather you will either be heading in to or out of and blizzards can come at you at a mind bending pace. I have seen thunder clouds and bowls the tower majestically almost seemingly to reach heaven. I've seen the configuration of a mighty snow squall as it leisurely meandered towards me. I have seen a bright and open blue that can last forever and speaks to a beautiful week ahead but this day, a menacing spring snow/rain storm was tracking us northward and knowing it's proximity and speed towards us wasn't easy to detect.

We travelled northward and as we passed through Claresholm, the call of "Chicken" wasn't loud enough for us to stop so we didn't. Back and forth the walkies talkies squealed and as we came closer to Nanton one of those moments hit for me. The one that says, "a spontaneous change of plans is always good for any relationship!" Yup, "hey W, how about we check out some of those Antique stores?" And then, one of the many reasons I love that man so much; "sure, sounds like fun, I've always wanted to do that!"

2 hours later and a brooch in hand, we came out of the third store and saw The Wild Thyme Cafe. Well, who wouldn't have wanted to give that a go. BTW - absolutely one of the best meals we have ever had. When we came out of the cafe we soon realized that the storm that was tracking us was getting very close so off we went. Just over and hour later we arrived at home just as the girls were getting there. We quickly unpacked the truck and before W could even park the truck a spring blizzard began. Our timing was impeccable, by shear luck I might add!

You know, I have a real belief in the songs we carry in our hearts for places, things and people. Having W move the last of his things into the house is making this place a home. Even though we never knew something was missing, with him here, its feels like we found it without ever knowing it was needed. Driving through the prairies down that road I have travelling so many times you can't even count, it's a part of my song too. It means so many things, the road to the temple, the highway to my W, the beauty of a land I live and breath so much of. It's a home that really lives within you. I am so grateful for it.

I have so much in my life to be thankful for. Even a spring blizzard can be frustrating when all you really would love is for spring to come but the truth is, Spring always does and with it comes the expectation of rebirth and renewal. I really do feel like I am in the spring of my life. A bit late due to some foreseen circumstances but Spring is finally here and I am loving it!

Oh, and what am I on about as far as this post.

With the Alberta sky's being able to warn us, even that didn't stop us from having a spontaneous moment to check out the antique stores and do lunch. I think we had an instinctual gauge that we knew just how much time we had before it was going to get difficult. We cut it close. Now, there are some who say, getting close is playing with fire and I agree to some extent but in this case, both W and I have experience and we could guess our limits. We were lucky and fate smiled on us but even if we had misjudged, driving in a snow storm isn't the end of the world especially with two walkies talkies and a whole lot of experience in driving through snow. As dark and foreboding as the snowstorm looked, we knew, if worse came to worse, High River would be a great place for a pit stop. We had our first kiss in that great town!

It's Just That Simple

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend." ~ Melody Beattie

I so love aha moments! What I am finding is that as I am more emotionally connected and living to just enjoy the journey my heart and mind is open and I am finding solace in my own beliefs without judgement of others. It doesn't mean that you could ever define me as Molly but for sure you would find that I no longer resent nor find any kind of emotion in the "Molly" way of living anymore. This came to me as I was driving down to Lethbridge to spend some time with my W and finish getting the rest of his stuff up to Calgary.

I got a new car, which, by the way, I love. It came with XM radio and I just happened to find the "Rosie O'Donnell" show. She had a weird guest on, of all people, Mike Huckabee, the Governor of Arkansas and a devout evangelical Christian. She had called him up because she had heard an interview that he had had with a gay rights activist wherein he had said that homosexuals should not be given the right to adopt and he was going to make that a law in his state, or at least try to. Now, please, don't even get me started on this argument, I think I would get called into the Bishop's office but what I listened to for about an hour was one of the most engaging, honest and respectful discussion by two people are polar opposite ends of the equation. For the first time I felt that where I came from, what I truly believed about the world and how if people could just understand the concept of acceptance, we really could have a better world and who would have ever thought that Mike Huckabee and Rosie O'Donnell would be, for me, endearing examples.

Rosie didn't let up and yet she heard and accepted Mike's assertions about his choices, his beliefs. She gave him the respect of listening and allowing him to further explain his position and then, because she did, and because he understood she did, she was able to then give her point a view. In the end, they agreed to disagree. GO FIGURE! This world has so many different opinions and for MEN, because it is the men to go to war because one group of people disagree is LUDICROUS!

Come on, do you really need to put a death sentence on someone because they depict a certain thing and for that matter, is it really necessary to push the buttons to insight anger? Think of how many people that have walked away from organised religion because of few of the overzealous hyper religious ones that speak louder and profess to represent a religion, most religions, that are generally just peaceful, accepting places to worship. Does Obama Bin Landen speak for all Muslims, does Warren Jeffs represent all Mormons and really, can those depictable Catholic Priests really be representative all the Catholic Church? Maybe, if we were to see the bigger picture and try to understand what is that GOD intended for us here on earth we could find a way to be peaceful and non judgemental.

Here's a quote I like;

"There is something that has been the quest of every civilization on the face of this earth. The thirst for peace. The thirst for peace lies within you, and peace is also within you. Begin with yourself. Begin with respecting what today means to you, instead of trading it for tomorrow. What does this moment that you are alive mean to you? Your life is like a necklace—one moment, another moment, another moment, another moment." ~ Prem Rawat (Maharaji)

It wasn't until I stopped trying to find answers everywhere else and truly looked within that i could come to a resolution in my life. I make no expectation of anyone but myself. Oh, for sure, I get frustrated and sometime life overwhelms me but when I lay my issues on my soul I become self-perspective and find the anwsers there with the help of my God and those that I trust in my life who are honest enough to speak truth. In the end, peace is found.

So what am I on about.

It really is that simple. Change yourself. Find yourself and once you do, everything else seems to fall into place. Never lose the gratitude for the journey. As our most revered Prophet said;

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family." Thomas Monson

I was at conference when President Monson said this. These very words altered my entire life. It changes me from being a victim to being an advocate. I am today because of these words. I have such a strong testimony of finding yourself, measuring the world as you are in it from a personal and accepting point of view and by truly living and breathing the JOY of the journey. If you do this, you will begin a process of peace that will reside within the walls of your very home and then permeate outwards. Peace will never come from world leaders sitting at a round table defending points of view, but it will begin with each of us finding the basic goodness within all of us and respecting each other, no matter what differences we have.

Defying Gravity

“As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.”
-- Emmanuel Teney

Just over a month ago I got a call from one of the councilors in the Bishopric. He wanted to meet with me to give me a new calling. My heart sunk. Since the divorce I had been left to either teach primary or was left in a silent and non traditional calling like Single Adult Rep. Wow, it was a leisure cruise but left me unchallenged accepting that I was coming to terms with my feelings about the church and putting the chaos of my life back into order. I needed the break and it was a good thing. It gave me a reprieve during a time I most needed it.

My new calling – RS teacher. UGH!!!! I shuddered because the last thing I wanted to do was teach a room full of women who I had felt so judged by. I didn’t have any desire to speak to topics I still didn’t think I fully understood or could testify to. I struggled for so many other reasons but felt that if this was what they wanted me to do, if this was what the Lord felt I needed to do, then I would do it. Some circumstances happened where I questioned the calling and the RS presidency came to my home and orientated me. WOW, did I ever say how much I love the RS president. She is not only a friend but a mentor and her heart is so pure and open and yet her emotions have been guarded as her struggles may be a greater burden than you or I can even imagine.

A.H. left a little poster that she felt best described her feelings of the need for my teaching in Relief Society. It’s picture of a little devil with the whole pitch fork and everything, tail and all. Below the image reads the caption. “BE THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT WHEN YOUR WAKE AND YOUR FEET HIT THE FLOOR IN THE MORING, SATAN SHUDDERS AND SAYS, **** SHE’S AWAKE. I laughed so hard and then A and T told me to speak up, say how I feel, and by all means, add my two cents worth. She explained of all those suffering in silence, feeling so alone and so few women are willing to see their mistakes realistically through the cloud of perfection so infused by our culture. Women need to acknowledge mistakes correctly and then spend the time addressing them to create a better life. I never felt I had ever done that. I never felt that what I would have to say would be important to anyone. I mean, I’ve been blogging for almost two years and though I know I have followers and have had many messages of hope and understanding I never felt my words would matter to very many in any kind of life span.

I began preparing the lesson soon after and my first assignment was on the Holy Ghost. Wow, perfect topic for my entrance into teaching again. I have such a profound testimony of the HG’s involvement into bettering our lives and feel with all my heart that by abiding in the promptings of the HG we can find such great ways to avoid unnecessary pitfalls. I prayed often to have the ability to teach what was needed for the women in the room. I read and reread the lesson, searched through the lds.org website and pulled a number of talks off the BYU devotional website. I studied what the intention of a lesson was and devoted myself to unseen needs and hoped I would feel promptings to dig a bit deeper and find something that would be exactly needed and that the HG could make life better for the women in the room, the women of my ward.

I have always felt that by trying to understand exactly what the teacher’s manual says and by truly taking time you can find answers mostly for yourself and maybe that’s the intention of being in a teacher’s calling. Maybe it’s always been about what you take out of it for yourself and then by sharing what you have learned you can touch others because change is so self-driven. You can only have people pause for thought; the rest is up to them. I learn so much by just preparing. It’s a win-win for me. I only hope and pray that I can then, with the lord’s help, impart what I know to help others. That’s the dream of every successful teacher and is something I wish for myself.

The following tangent is with your understanding, there is method to my madness here, hang on.

There’s a Broadway musical; “Wicked” that I absolutely love. It began as a book written to address the witches from the Wizard of Oz. Glinda, the pink Good witch and Elphaba, the Wicked witch. They meet at college and as in all ways; the book best describes the complexities of their lives and their relationships as they develop much better than the stage play. You learn of Elphaba’s dysfunctional upbringing and of the way she is misunderstood. Glinda is best described as shallow but heartfelt. The characters interact through a journey to meet the Wizard and find him corrupt and evil. You interpret the story from your own vantage point and even in reading the reviews there is considerable argument as to which witch is evil and which is good. You understand motivations from personal perspective and because of that your understanding of intent rolls into play.

In the end, Elphaba’s world is turned upside down and she is faced with choice. What will this tragic set of circumstances do to her intent and to her heart? Here, at this moment, comes the most moving song in the musical. “Defying Gravity”.

Defying Gravity Lyrics


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!


It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down!


I'm through accepting limits
‘‘Because someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!


I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity


Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down!

Perspective matters here, is Elphaba giving up or growing. Well, if you follow through to the end of the story and the beginning of the next you know that she is crushed under the house that Dorothy was in when she arrived in the Land of Oz.

As much as I see tragedy in this, it is filled with misunderstanding and a lack of understanding intent. Elphaba understands this and chooses to defy the expectation. She let’s go of the pain and heartache and chooses to be disheartened and angry and it shows in everything she does. It’s the stage that follows enlightenment for some. When they realize that being understood might never happen and anger and frustration sets. But there is another choice here and many do take it and for that reason, this song means much more to me.

Limits are set on us, whether we like it or not by the expectations of the people and culture around us. It’s an invisible line or ceiling that holds us in place to “fit in”. When something happens to us that changes us to our very core we lay at the precipices of change. Which direction you choose can seal a happy or unhappy existence. I chose, after much angst and confusion, to be happy in spite of it all, and even though, many times I doubt my abilities. Overcoming those abilities gives wings to all the hope I have in my life and it changes the “I can’t’s” to the absolute “cans”.

Now; to get back on track.

I never thought for one minute that my story or for that matter, my life could make a difference to anyone other than me. I have blogged and written and tried in everyway to leave a legacy of survival for my family. I want, someday, for my children and grandchildren to speak of me with the same reverence and respect that they speak of my mother, my grandmothers, my aunts. In everyway, this desire arises from the great legacies of woman that have come before me. I am so proud of my heritage.

This lesson, the RS lesson scared the begebees out of me. I was so nervous, so intimidated and as I began, the spirit rested on my shoulders and words came out that I didn’t even know were there. The flow was amazing and the intent was clear and in the end as I looked around the room I felt free of all the judgment that really, I doubt, was ever there in the first place. A silent limitation that I placed on myself. Maybe I do have something to add. If the pain and suffering I went through can in anyway be a benefit in the path it took and the resolution I have so as to be shared as an example, so be it, but what I would hope most is that by looking at the mistakes I made and goodness knows there were many, that others can be adverted of some of the pain I have felt as I went through them.

The Relief Society lesson went well. There were many women who came up after filled with tears and joy. They had missed my voice. Some, I know, will never understand. That’s okay, because in the end, it won’t really matter. I will be met by a kind and loving Heavenly Father who will know the intents of my heart and he will lay his judgment there. This I know, because the HG has left that testament on my heart.

An after thought, a wonderful poem by one of my favorite poets.

By Ella Wheeler Wilcox


There are songs enough for the hero
Who dwells on the heights of fame;
I sing of the disappointed--
For those who have missed their aim.


I sing with a tearful cadence
For one who stands in the dark,
And knows that his last, best arrow
Has bounded back from the mark.


I sing for the breathless runner,
The eager, anxious soul,
Who falls with his strength exhausted.
Almost in sight of the goal;


For the hearts that break in silence,
With a sorrow all unknown,
For those who need companions,
Yet walk their ways alone.


There are songs enough for the lovers
Who share love's tender pain,
I sing for the one whose passion
Is given all in vain.


For those whose spirit comrades
Have missed them on their way,
I sing, with a heart o'erflowing,
This minor strain to-day.


And I know the Solar system
Must somewhere keep in space
A prize for that spent runner
Who barely lost the race.


For the plan would be imperfect
Unless it held some sphere
That paid for the toil and talent
And love that are wasted here.

4 hours Sleep

So, no quote, no ironic or cleaver diatribe. Just shear frustration at a life that I simply must bring to a peace while excusing myself from the drama. I would love life to just be easy some time. I would love it if I could wake up in the morning after a restful and undisturbed sleep and want to be at a job I love, in a head space uncluttered with concern, a perfect size 10 and a stable thought process. A perfect world would be so welcome right now but it just isn't my reality.

The one thing I have that makes everyday bearable is the love of a good and kind man who accepts me for all the broken pieces I carry. It is the pivot point of my life that makes decisions easier, movement forward natural and even after 4 hours sleep and an 18 hour day ahead bearable. It's his face I will see at the end of this day, his shoulder I will rest my weary head on and in his arms I will feel safe. I am so thankful for that because I know it is a gift.

Choices are hard sometimes. The lesson I have learned most this last little while is chaos visits every life but it's impact is dependant on how much you let in. I have always wanted to make things right for the ones I have loved. There are times, however, when you have no control over that and the chaos can consume you. This is when you must decide and for an instant, be selfish. I did that this week and my heart is aching.

I may lose my Dad because I just can't bear to watch an enabler refuse to have accountabilty in an out of control life. It is pret near the hardest thing I have had to do and it's consequences will be felt, I am sure, for a very long time. I am losing family and family means the very most to me, even crazy, screwed up family. Yeah, depressing, I know.

I will come home tonight and I will rest my soul in the care of my prayers and my new husband. Both will make the world seem more fair, more complacent, more livable. I will also look deep within and remember that not everything can be fixed, epecially when fixing it is primarily in anothers hands.

Thus, as I grow older and more mature, the irony of life seems to settle in the everyday of my living.

My Own Drummer

Life Lesson #23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

When I first started working in the quilt shop there was a buzz about this “purple hat society”. Women would come in and talk about being “different” and try really hard to not conform when in fact, because of a poem, they were conforming anyhow. I always got a bit of a giggle out of that.

So, I found the poem, read it; and then realized that the poet herself (?) was celebrating the idea that in old age the gloves are off. You get to discover who and what you are and not be abiding to the cultural rules in place. It was as if by virtue of age you could excuse anything. It reminded me of Grandma Florrie. Oh how I loved that woman. She was a frisky old gal who lived alone until she was almost 95. She cheated at cards and her favorite saying was; “wherever though be’st, let the wind blow free’st”. I still laugh when I think about it. When I say she cheated she did it unabashedly so. She didn’t care if you knew and her excuse was always her age, or that she couldn’t see or “WHAT????” she would say, pretending not to hear. It still makes me laugh even now.

She wore wigs, four or five different ones and she loved it when you tried them on. My brother served a mission in her ward and when he was over at her apartment she had all four missionaries put the wigs on and take pictures. She was spry and feisty and never held back her opinion. She had a good sense of people and I am very happy that I never had to lose her in the divorce because she died before it happened. I have a daughter that I see so much of her in. As much as she wants to shed the S in her, having Grandma F flowing through her is like having a reason to love and enjoy all life as to offer.

We spend so much of our time trying so hard to fit in. I have to admit I spent much of my life doing just that. I would be so upset over the stupidest things and when I think about it now, what a trifling waste of my time. What I would give to take it back and just know myself well enough to be okay with who I was.

I have always admired those who walked to their own drum beat as long as that beat wasn’t being beaten over the head of anyone else. I had a friend in high school. She was amazing. She optimized everything I wanted to be. Tall – which of course was never going to be in my future, casual, cool, easy going and she swaggered like no one I knew. It never mattered what others thought, she sensed her own value and I admired that so much. Boys ached for her attention, girls wanted to be her friend and she could never have been labeled as anything but eccentric. She taught me about FUNK music and Jimmy Hendrix and skiing outside the boundaries. I owe a lot to her and her example.

So here I am 30 plus years later and I finally get her. She knew happy derived within her. I have that now. I listen to my music, as crazy as it is, and I drive to nowhere just cus I can and I love the most transparent man I know who has no problem telling someone that they have “one friggin long hair hanging out ya nose” to a person he has never met before because he’d rather speak the truth then worry about what other people thought. It’s crazy but I am now grooving, quite literally, to my own beat and lovin’ it.

I can truly say now that I don’t really care what others think of me cus what matters is what my family thinks of me and were pretty cool with the whole dysfunction thing. I mean, as my Mom used to say. “I put the FUN in dysfunction! When I say this I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about people, I simply don’t care about judgments. It’s different and if you know that they you understand me.

So here’s my personal mantra for the month of April.

People that mind don’t matter and people that matter don’t mind! Thank-you Dr. Suess for those great words of wisdom and all the rest. I mean come on, how great is “Green Eggs and Ham”!

# 22 Gone Too Soon

Life Lesson # 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

I would never, in my entire life, have ever been able to be referred to as “anal”, type “A” or a “high achiever”. I think I was a solid yellow or an ISTJ for much of my adult life and just recently, in the last 5 – 8 years grounded myself enough to put some white, blue, and please, not even a touch of red whatsoever into those personality equations.

I have learned though to really find ways to be better prepared throughout this growing time in my life. I was taught it from the best natural teacher I know; my Mom.

Mom was diagnosed with Cancer in early 2002. I think she had sensed that this was to be her fate, she was always practical and well, she knew the consequences of her actions and more than anything else, she never made excuses. We used to joke with her when she was placed on oxygen about blowing up if she ever lit a match. Somehow, she found the irony of her situation and found the humor too. I loved her for that.

There is one thing that I am in great debt to her for. It was a scenario game we would play as she was in the hospital during those last few months. My life was in utter chaos. There wasn’t a part of it that wasn’t in upheaval and Mom knew she was running out of time. I had the morning shift which meant that each morning I would go to Timmy’s: pick up her favorite things, and then head to the hospital. She usually wanted to have a shower which she was to weak to handle on her own and the nurses, overburdened as they were, gladly let me help her. It was a bonding ritual too beautiful for words. She had cared for me in my first months on this earth. It was as if life was coming full circle and I was repaying the debt.

Afterwards, she would be tired but she never wanted a wasted moment to go by. Between the haze of the painkillers and quiet of the room we started to play the game “what are you going to when?”

It started out simple, like, what are you going to when I’m not around to help you with your girls? Then it went to; what are you going to do when your divorce goes through? Then through the month and a little bit we hit everything that she could possibly come at me with and she gave me her thoughts, ideas and expectations. We didn’t get to finish, she died unexpectedly from a complication of the chemotherapy but we did cover quite a lot. It’s funny, as each new situation comes in my life it’s like she’s there sharing her thoughts and guiding me. It’s ironic how right on she was to predict certain things. She grilled me on what my expectations out of life were and then she leveled with me her expectations of me.

I remember waiting in the bridal room at the place where W and I married. Everyone had gone downstairs and I was by myself. I wasn’t scared but my heart just ached for her. I missed her so much and desperately wanted her there with me to share my joy. We had talked about that very moment and she told me she would do everything in her power to be with me. The room was quiet and I bowed my head in gratitude for having such a wonderful man come into our lives and forever improve the journey we were on. It only took a moment but I knew, I absolutely knew she was with me and that she was happy for me.

You can prepare a thousand ways for every inevitable circumstance you life will have but nothing is ever set in stone. In every way Mom could she tried to fit all that she needed me to know and understand into the short span before she left this world too soon. What she never realized was that her very example was preparation enough for me to know how to be a woman of integrity and grace and besides all the shared wisdom that she gave me, her example now completes me and guides me to a destiny of matriachal wholeness. I hope someday my daughters will allow me the same honor and that I can pass her wisdom to them.

I miss her so much.

“Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.” ~ Billy Graham

Pieces of My Soul

Picture by Chase Diaz

“Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.” ~ unknown

I believe that one of the side effects of all that I have been through and all that I love is that I tend to look unceasingly into my life and over analyze so much of it. I find truths and wisdoms and life lessons and shelve them in my soul so as to remember, “oh yeah, that hurts when I do that”, or “right, I love that”. But mostly I have to be careful not to get caught up.

Let me explain;

I have such a deep sense of the “Proclamation of the Family”. I have lived both lives and have been a caretaker for my family and the sole financial supporter. What I would give to be back home and be the homemaker again. I miss it so much but my reality is that I made choices that preclude that from being my life. It’s a simple equation. Divorce does not equal “stay at home” Mom. The reality is, as honorable as a man may think he is, when he gets divorced he doesn’t really care if you are at home with his kids or not, he will complain, (at least most men do) of the support he needs to pay and the courts will enforce your half of the financial responsibility of your children whether you feel it is right or not. The world is not in keeping with the family as the church sees it and expound as the General Authorities do to men understanding the need for them to step up, most men will only meet only the minimum the law requires and still find reasons to complain.

In my case, the financial involvement was so caustic (the last place he could try an exercise control) that the only solution was to take nothing which he gladly agreed too. The price of emotional freedom was well worth it and the sacrifices I make are equally so. The Lord has blessed me a hundred fold through out and I am ever grateful for it but here lies the rub.

Being in the world as a working women forever felt like I was giving a piece of my soul away each day I entered downtown. As much as I have no choice in working because of choices I have made previously the culture of the working world ebbs away like the corrosion of a river bed on the caregiver and women that weeps within me. My divine role is second to the role left to me to meet the financial needs of my children. Though I find great satisfaction in doing a good job, and even with the esteem building that happens by the praise of a job well done there is always a piece of my soul that feels at odds with the divine role I yearn for. The truths here and please understand this, are that this is my perspective and in no way should reflect on what I believe all women should feel. This is my paradigm. This is my world and my vision of it.

There is coldness in the working world that best suits the logical and heartless attributes that a man can bring forward for this environment. A man with attitude and drive is called progressive and assertive; a woman with the same is known as a bitch and is generally hated. Same qualities, different gender. The women I know who have made it to management and executive positions have done so having two personas. The one, working woman who is cold and removed and the second, a side they let few people see of warmth, compassion, and understanding. It’s hard because I admire these women so much, I don’t know how they balance it. I know it’s something I probably could never do.

Working at home is exhausting. Being a mother that stays at home is not easy work either. Sick days don’t happen and the job is 24/7. Put also into play the “perfection” factor that can be an aspect of the culture I am a part of and wow, things get difficult. When I compare my 20 years of home to my almost 10 of working I still can’t decide which is more difficult excepting when you are a single parent and you essentially are both, that is the hardest life for sure; hands down.

So what am I on about?

I felt for a long time that with each journey to the core, each day I worked, I left a piece of my soul there. I was letting the hassle and bustle, the non caring bumper car mentality of the congestion that is downtown get to me. I was slowly losing the nice that was a part of me. I was being overtaken by the injustice of having to work and forego the divine role I yearned for and it was eating me up alive. All the good that was happening, the emotional repair I was preceding through was silently being erased by the conforming to a mentality of selfish disregard that defines the downtown core. I had to find a balance in a world that frowned on its approach. What could I do?

It started simply, with prayer. I would board the train and find a seat, if I was lucky, and I would have my morning prayer. It seemed to take me to a zone of comfort and helped me to contend with an overcrowded pushy environment. I zoned out the congestion and concentrated on those things that I was thankful for. That was another component. My prayers lost the requests and focused solely on gratitude. I did this on the trip home as well. One day, I looked around and there around me, here, there, scattered throughout the car were others who no doubt were doing the same thing whether you call it meditating or communing and yes, there were others who were simply asleep but all of us had found coping mechanisms that were working. This helped immensely.

I started to walk at lunch. First it was about 3 km’s and then 5kms and then I got to 7kms. I love walking in downtown through the Princess Island Park and along the river. The atmosphere is electric and during the summer when the buskers and promoters are there, it gets absolutely fascinating. I tried walking with an Ipod but I couldn’t think and process. I have learned that this time is my self talk session. I work through so much during these walks. The unfortunate thing about this is my Asthma precludes walking about ½ the year. It sucks, literally!

When I can’t walk I have started to pick up books to fill that time. I read and have sought inspiration through words and have found solace in them. I would sometimes read on the train too but mostly I chose to find peace where peace is hard to find. It hasn’t changed the environment it simply changed the Zen of my approach to it. I can’t change others, things, or cultural mentalities but what I can do is change me.

I had a long talk with W this weekend. I had a moment and he was able to help. In the aftermath I told him of my heart and how I felt but what I know and what I explained was that as much as he loves me and wants to care for me, the responsibility of my children lays with me. He would step in, he already has once before but this isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. I was asked by not just one person when they found out when I got engaged when I was going to quit work but by a number of people. The answer is simple. Not until D is out of college and W and my future is secure. It may take some time but W has added one more aspect to the coping of a world I don’t seem to fit to well in. He is a reprieve at the end of my day.

I only have W on the weekends now. He isn’t moving up full time until the second week of May. I work for Friday when I can get home and feel the security of his embrace and the warmth of his support. Every once in a while I get a Wednesday too. I love those Wednesdays. The world may not be what I thought it would have been 30 years ago or even dreamed of but the world I have now is wonderful and truly a gift. It is the dream I am making it. I love my journey!

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

# 21 Some Like It Hot!

Life Lesson #21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

LOL, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to tackle this one. Now that I have been married for a while I think I can speak from a better place than I have ever been before.

I used to envy my friends whose husbands adored them. I watched as they laughed and giggled about the things girls talk about sometimes. No worries fellows, no details spill. Girls are like that.

I remember a friend talking about how “randy” her husband would get even when he was sick and how much he would tell her he loved her and meant it because he always followed it up with actions. They used to laugh about how they had to work around the kids and be as discreet as they could only to be horrified that their kids would joke about it with their friends. Little did they know that it was a badge of honor for a teenager to have “randy” parents.

While I was at college I dated a guy who had some of the funniest stories. He told me one about when he was 17 and his father was the Bishop of his ward. They had a pool in their front yard, it was a Vancouver thing, and he had gone to one of the church dances. It was a hot summer night and the dance was pretty lame so he packed his parent’s station wagon (no mini vans back then) and a couple of other cars with his friends to rendezvous at his house for a pool party. Everyone was so stoked. All three cars pulled into the front drive at once (his house was surrounded by a large cedar hedge), and his car went silent. He proceeded to jump out of the car only to be met by his dad’s booming voice. “P, could you please take your friends and go to 7-11 for about 5 minutes while your mother and I get out of the pool”. Yup, you guessed it, Bishop and his wife were skinny dipping and nearly all the ward kids caught them! As P told me that story, he told it with great pride and I could understand why. I am pretty sure all the kid’s in the ward were thinking it was pretty cool as well.



I have friends who were determined that in my next marriage, things were definitely going to improve for me in the regard, shoot; I think my girls were of the same opinion. My good friend threatened to take my new husband aside to insure that he would be knowledgeable enough. As the big day came, and my girlfriend hadn’t had a chance to meet W yet, I worried because I knew that she would do exactly what she said. She was late for the wedding and finally met W after the ceremony and true to her word; it was the first sentence out of her mouth. This is the part I love, W calmly assured her that he indeed knew everything she thought he needed to for me to have a much improved sex life.(Sorry, no other way to put it) I think when you see the laughing pictures at our wedding it was around about that moment when they took them. I love G and K for their concern for me but they can put those concerns to rest. All is well.

W is the kindest man I know and who would have ever guessed that kindness could be such an aphrodisiac? We’ve had our candlelit dinners, I have good sheets on the bed ALL THE TIME, and poor W still doesn’t know what hit him. Poor D, his friends tease him all the time and yes, he has even had to talk to us. We really are trying to be discreet! D laughed once he was done so I think, in time, he’s going to understand how lucky he is to have his Mom so happy. My greatest fear was the example I have set previously for my kids. That is changing.

The downside – the kids want us to get a hot tub and we are seriously thinking about it. The only codicil would have to be; enter at your own risk because it may be occupied and it may be “clothing optional” on our behalves. Yup, when we told them that, they were a bit grossed out and promised to call before they came over!

#20 Go For It

Life Lesson #20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

When I was in grade 11, I studied the great Shakespearean play “Romeo and Juliet”. Now, I was a bit of an English geek and so the complexities of Shakespeare fascinated me. This play has so many standards of alteration all of which became defined by the experience the reader was having at that moment in their lives. For me, a precious virginal Mormon girl; it was heavenly.

Juliet represented all the angst of my youth. She was free spirited and loved the adventure and in the end, she died the most tragic of deaths for love. I fell hook line and sinker and began my quest for my Romeo.

“Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?”

I soon became aware that Romeo may not be all that love would have to offer. Love was so complex and multi faceted that to simply believe that love for a Romeo would be enough just wasn’t enough for me. We grow out through love in so many areas of our souls. I learned that loving someone is important, but loving life and the journey, all that this earth experience has to offer, will allow you to mature into a healthy human being. Maturity soon defined love and my quest began to change. I finally understood those couples who had been married 30, 40, 50 and even 60 years. It didn’t have to be perfect, just forgiving.

My love advice is simple – first; love you. Find the reason that getting up in the morning is important. Once you do that, it enables you to more fully love others around you. Master loving them and then the fun begins. You learn to love life and all that it offers. Once life is a joyful journey, you soon learn to seek after all that brings you hope and peace. And before you know it, you are hooked. You will find those activities and be with those people who define the statement, “Joy in the Journey!” and one day, you’ll just know – You are Happy!

#19 Never Too Late

Life Lesson #19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

When Michael Jackson died I ached for all that was lost to the world. He was, above all else a genius, who lost the most fundamental part of life, those years when, as we grow, we are free of the burdens and hardships of adulthood and simply just grow without burden. (Of course that’s the best case scenario there) I doubt we will ever truly know to what extent the abuse and turmoil of his what his early life left on him but what we do know is that the damage was real and horrible and that for the remainder of his life he simply sought out what was missed. He just wanted his childhood back.

I have no real complaints to my childhood. I had a great Mom, a somewhat absent but great Dad and wonderful grandparents. It was full and happy and great memories flood back as I recall all that was at my fingertips. I have often wondered if it would have been much different if my parents hadn’t have joined the church or if my father had been around but for the most part I am completely content with how I grew up.

Something about my healing that I treasure is the concept of letting go. To release the tension and anger of the past and chose each day to be a new one, free of the encumbrances of the past and able to redefine for yourself the meaning of now. This moment is perfect, untouched and ready for your life print to give it memory. It is your choice to its attitude and now, thanks to the help of some pretty amazing people, my life prints are wonderful.

Knowing that each moment is mine to own and each passing day is a memory to fill with happiness has forged me ahead and let the healing be complete. I love my life, warts and all, and without the past I would have no way of knowing how to avoid the pitfalls that would ensnare me into the circle of anger or discontent now. What a wonderful journey this earth life is.

I owe my parents a great debt for allowing me to be a child for as long as they did and also for allowing me to be grown and responsible when the time came. I still very much cling to the hope that there will always be happiness because I know now where that happiness is derived. Finding that out releases anxiety and brings understand to the concept of child-like.