No Bravery

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtQjMSfBs90

So, I'm not sure where to start or how to explain this but I will. Since I was a very little girl my Father has always encouraged me to seek truth, we've been here before, I've blogged about him. He taught me about the world and always, and I mean always, wanted and needed me to understand world events and reasons for turmoil and war were essential to being human in a world that we live in.
He was never anti war but he was for peace and safety and justice and taught me that sometimes these things come at a price. My family has a long history of service in wars and I understood early on that war, in itself, has a place.
That place comes when injustice and intolerance over ride wisdom, peace and safety for a people. I am not going to involve myself in an argument of right or wrong here but I want to know... why?
As I watch the TV and see the escalating tensions in India, Afghanistan, Africa, Iraq, Iran, Somalia, hell.... just about everywhere around the entire world and see that in these clips you barely see women and children unless it is some gory cheap shot at tantalizing an audience; Why, please someone tell me why?
Why in the middle east do they have to continue age old tensions about difference in cultures and peoples and make those tensions escalate to civil unrest and in the end, the suffering is had by the women and the children of their own country.
Why, when there is nothing left to fight over and they have exhausted their ammunition's and turf wars do these vile and evil men then attack the women and children of their own country by bombing their markets and city streets?
Why do these so called men call into battle young boys who then grow to inherit hate and continue a pointless and ridiculous battle over religion or a piece of dirt that produces no sustenance because it has been destroyed by greed and envy?
Why must the greed of twisted and prideful men destroy the hope and healing of their own nation.
As I watch TV and see the clips of men, shouting and hollering and jumping in destructive elation at the continuation of the destruction of their own people, is this really sanity.
War is cruel.
War is prideful.
War takes no solace in the heartfelt pleas of mothers and children to stop and end the brutality.
As I saw the pictures of the young Rabbi and his beautiful wife and the frightened nanny who was able to escape with their child and save his life I asked, why? Because a family believes differently, you kill them? Because they serve your very people and provide shelter and live a selfless life you kill because they believe in the Torah?
The father and daughter setting out on a trip of discovery to an Ash Ram to study the peaceful practise of meditation. You kill them because they hold an American passport? WHY! What did a thirteen year old girl and a loving Father have to do with your conflict?
So many others needlessly gunned down because why?
And the truth. 160 deaths and just under 30 were foreigners. The rest were your own people. You are killing your own people. Why?
Why were 4000 people killed in the world trade centers? Because they didn't believe like you?
I will never understand but what I know is this.
In the end, no matter the reason or justification for the battle, the suffering happens alone to the mothers and children of the world.
Selfish and greedy men inflict havoc and the destruction always falls on the innocents.
That is not bravery.
There is no Bravery in that.
I pray for peace.

Viewpoints to Reality

"The human mind, in its desire to know, understand, and control, mistakes its opinions and viewpoints for the truth. It says; this is how it is. You have to be larger than thought to realize that however you interpret "your life" or someone else’s life or behavior, however you judge any situation, it is no more than a viewpoint, one of many possible perspectives. It is no more than a bundle of thoughts. But reality is one unified whole, in which all things are interwoven, where nothing exists by itself."

Eckhart Toille

There I go, thinking deep again. There is something about Eckhart Toille’s writings that rings familiar to my soul and the more I read by him the more I understand the reasons why I want to be Mormon and be strong without placing judgment on others. Somehow his words make it understandable to be so wronged by a culture and yet feel the need to have that faith in my life. Yeah, I know; doesn’t make much sense, but wait, let me try to explain.

The struggle of being Mormon for me is not in the doctrines or the principles of the gospel. It remains in the culture.

My divorce has devalued me in it and now, more than at anytime, church can be very lonely. There isn’t a Sunday where I don’t allow myself to feel judged. Now wait; read those words again. I AM ALLOWING the judgment. It may not even be there, it is me that brings those feelings in.

People who have known me my whole life stopped speaking to me when I left M. One woman, who would converse and was very friendly with me prior now will turn and walk away if I am in a hallway she has to go down. But why is that happening. Is it a snub or does she not know what to say or how to feel?

At first, this bothered me. Now, I am coming to terms that there are all sorts of people who have all sorts of different reactions and to know why their actions are what they are is just not something that is ever going to be easy for me to grasp.

What if some of the truth lies within my own behavior?

I may never understand why being single by choice because being married was so destructive changes your abilities to serve or befriend people at church but I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t change me and how I treat people. Maybe what I need to do is start trying to reach out to those who may be uncomfortable with me now and make it easier for them to feel safe around the single soul that I am.

I was thinking the other day, as one particular sister almost looked like she was going to die having to be near the singles; "what is it that makes you so uncomfortable around us?" A soft and calming voice whispered to my soul; "because there by the grace of God go I".

AHA moment. Sometimes in this life I live it is closer than some may want it to ever be.

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."

Winston Churchill

Christmas is coming! It’s been difficult wrapping (mind the pun) my heart and head around it this year. For a couple of reasons it is going to be very different and yet in some very great ways it will be spectacular. Here’s what I am on about.

No Money! The economy sucks and even more than that there is no more child support so the reality is it is going to be a very sparse Christmas.

This is the first year that I will only be able to give in a very minimalist way and I am feeling kind of sad. Usually, I can cash in stocks or find some extra money some where but that just isn’t so this year. So this season my kids are really going to feel it. That’s not so bad. They already understand and have been saying for weeks to each and all of us to scale back. My kids get this and for that reason, even though it isn’t the greatest of news, it’s an opportunity for the greatest of life lessons. I love them for embracing these.

Christmas was Grandma and without her we feel her loss more. It’s hard to live up to what she was able to give in a way that even she felt sometimes was not enough. She gave of her time and energy and she knew what giving was when it came to Christmas. We miss her most at this time of year.

I am doing my best to build that feeling and anticipation for my family in my home and I can see that it is starting to grow. My girls in Vancouver are excited to come home, we here are even more excited that they are coming and all the talk is about spending the time together.

The one thing I think I love that the most about this new and redefined family is very simple. You can’t even imagine what it is like to love being in the company of one another. That wasn’t something that could have always been said to be true so to see it becoming a part of who we are now is AWESOME! It is ZEN!

People look in on my family and see a fractured and broken home. I resent the concept that we are broken in any way. We are mended and thriving and finding in each other an opportunity to utilize the Savior’s atonement to it’s most treasured and profound outcome.

The mere fact that we will sit on Christmas Eve at our traditional fondue evening and smile and giggle and argue that "wine and liquor still isn’t allowed in my house so have some when you get home to yours", in the jest that makes the plan of salvation so real to my family and to myself. To know that we understand the Savior’s gospel as we celebrate his birth. To also know we adore and care about each other in spite of each other’s life choices because that kind of love transcends judgment and criticism, as it should and that this truly is what the meaning of giving is at this season for my family… for me.

We give each other hope and love and unconditional acceptance, forgiveness and support. Please someone help me to understand why this could ever be considered broken or failed. In my eyes, this kind of sacrifice defines giving. This is the Christmas that Yomomma’s mother helped to establish and that makes the world, at least in the eyes of the five of us, a simple and more secure place.

Christmas this year will have no anger…. It’s gone. It will have no judgment, it’s gone. It will have a spirituality about it that personifies all that it is meant to be. Think about it. The Savior made his debut in a real and purposeful way. He came to his family in quietness and solitude. He came in hope to the ones, in the end, who would always love Him, the most. I connect to Mary for that one reason and one reason alone. To understand and grasp a mother’s unconditional and infinite love for a child and the dedication to be there throughout, no matter what. It’s the divinity of the blessing of that great role - motherhood. A role I thank the Big Guy for everyday!

So to my kidlets; bring the season on! Here’s to the first of many Christmas seasons filled with peace, love, hope, tranquility and most of all, JOY. It’s the beginning of many that will be conflict free!

Inner Peace

“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.”
Gerald Jampolsky

I have really been thinking about some of the reasons I have been uneasy with my life. I should have zen flowing through it and couldn't quite figure out what the issue is. Then my daughter said something to me yesterday.
"You know Mom, I'm okay. You didn't totally screw up."
I still am sometimes brought to tears over what was. I have spent a fair amount of time contemplating what I could and should have done to be different, to make my life different. I realize that living like this just isn't productive.
So here is what I am on about.
Forgiveness, both for yourself and for others.
Now, I am not blowing smoke here. I have had to learn to forgive some pretty unforgivable stuff and I still struggle with it but man, the freedom for your own sanity by just taking a different perspective on it is liberating.
Owning your baggage and working to understand your own role in the difficult life you are living can really be enlightening to your mental and emotional health. I would have never come to know myself if I hadn't of first looked at what I was about and the roles I played in the life I was living.
Changing those roles so as to improve your life not just for yourself but those around you is a win-win argument and should be a goal always.
Yeah, it is still hard. But it is getting better everyday.
Make you days better. Life to improve each moment and get out of the rut that comes from holding resentment and anger.
Now, I am going out there to practise what I preach.

Big D

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have something exciting to attend tonight. I've been around for plenty of awards and honors for my kids but tonight is a bit more special. The Big D is getting an award at his High School. This made me think back to about 10 years ago and a private school evaluation that D meister went through.

He stayed for evaluation for 1 full day of school and when the day was over the head mistress called me in to discuss with me the needs of my "special"child. She then went on to explain she felt he was very mentally handicapped and that he needed intervention so that he could become a contributing member of society.

Heart ache would not describe the feeling. We had him accessed by people who knew what they were doing and they told us he would be fine.

So Edison, he's scored perfectly and next to perfect on most of his provincial exams since grade three, he has excelled and beyond in his studies and tonight, he's being awarded for not just his noogin but for his heart and love for school so next time you decide that a child who has visited you classroom is hopeless..... (I believe those were your words) remember that this is a child you are talking about and yeah.... you sometimes get it very wrong.

What's the lesson here.

Moms/Dads, so you son or daughter is active and spinning chairs and talking and basically appearing unfocused, it may just be boredom and that what you have is one smart cookie who when he finally figures how to process it all and not be bored may prove to be just genius!

And BTW, he is awesome on the saxophone, just another gift.

The Haircut... he still won't speak to me!

Before:

After:

He still is PO'd at me!

Capable of Becoming

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is so thrilling and wonderful and when you put all of it into an eternal perspective that is healthy and meaningful you begin to see just how much of a role you play in it for yourself.

Who am I? I am just a girl whose been through a lot who has come out of it a bit scared, more in awe of a gospel that teaches such love and compassion that it fulfills me, and better because now, I live to understand and never judge. At least I try.

I am coping and growing and changing constantly. As I awoke this morning, beyond thrilled that in a few hours I will be picking up my precious K3 who just 5 months ago we admitted to a treatment facility for drug abuse and eating disorders, I can not believe the continuing transformation in her life. My gosh, the transformation of all of our lives.

I lived angry and frustrated and hurt for so long and it wasn't until I fully grasped that all of those feelings were destroying me and the people around me that I could facilitate a change for the better. The choice was always mine to be happy. I cannot force change on anyone but I could determine what changes were necessary for happiness in my own life and could and would change the lives of those close around me.

If you would have told me that even three months ago that I could be even happier in the life conditions I am facing now I would have told you that you were crazy.

Single parents out there everywhere. You can do it! It may not be the definition of perfect that you had always envisioned for yourself but it can be redefined for a purer and more accessible peace and contentment. Redefine Happy! Make it work for yourself.

Bishop H asked me to do something that was difficult and heart breaking. I didn't understand why and was angry I was even asked. These are normal feelings and should not be hidden or ashamed of. I worked through it and though I never understood I garnished the faith that I would eventually and moved forward. Yikers that was hard and still continues to be.

So here we are, month two in, and wow, what a step up in peace and spirituality and responsibility that we are all taking. Every child is contributing in some way, whether it be a mental, spiritual, physical or an emotional way. We were already a family team that loved and adored each other but now we are becoming a unit that really defines family in its purest terms.

If you were to tell me that I would have witnessed this healing and loving coming from a family that was so dysfunctional and screwed up in just a few years I would have thought you daft! But wow, we are!

Wow, we really are!

There is still a bit of a mist hanging over us. I suspect it will always be there. Every child will continually seek out the acceptance of a toxic parent. It is Divine nature to seek that acceptance. My role will always be to cushion and pray that at some point it will be different for them somehow. That their relationship with their D will change and they can find that peace.

The hardest task I face is standing back and watching the attempts. Every nurturing bone in my body wants to protect them from harm and emotional pain but I can't. It sucks, but I really can't. My kids know how I feel. I support them in whatever choice they make to define that relationship. I try and teach them about expectations and hope that they will find resolution, somehow, someway.

For now though, our choice as a family and mine individually is to continue in the pursuit of happiness always recognizing bumps, potholes and stumbling blocks that liter the path to it.

Here's a shout out to someone I admire more than she will ever know.

Abuse, any form of it, whether it be physical, sexual, spiritual or emotional is so difficult and confusing, especially for kids who eventually turn into adults. Our children, especially those who have been irreversible scared by it will sometimes lash out. A wise Dr. W told me, in the beginning of this journey, when my K's were so angry at everything, especially me, that they did this because they understood they could and when it was over, I was always going to be the one who loved them unconditionally and would let slide their behavior in the end. So even though they sometimes hated me back then and were so angry that they didn't even talk to me, it all sorted itself out in time. Patience, above all is the key and never give up on them, ever. Eventually, they will begin to understand your straddled path in their journey and recognize you really did everything you could to help them and in the end, you just loved them, always. That you will love them, forever.

Here's the secret, just care for them in whatever way they will allow. Over and over and over again. That love will transcend every horrible and hurtful thing they have encountered. It always has for me. Please know that there were many times I wanted to give up. Why submit yourself to that. As I look at it know, I am glad I never did give up. I wouldn't have this Zen in my life.

Yeah, total Zen. Redefined.

I feel closer to filling those profound and formidable footprints of a genuine life my precious mother left for me to fill. I still have about 25 years left to catch up to her, I hope that I can and that when it's my time to go join the party with Mom and Grandma, Aunt June, everyone, that I can be welcomed with honor and peace. That they will greet me, with the Savior, knowing and acknowledging I did the best I could do, on a definition more suited to me than by others who never really knew me.

Test of Courage

"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."


Ralph W Sockman

Here’s another bandwagon. It’s a direct result of a situation that is occurring in facebook and involves my precious K2.

My daughters have left the fold; hopefully that’s not news to all of you. They do not define themselves as LDS and it context would probably be offended if you did, but not for the reasons you think.

I have tried to raise them to not be hypocrites. For that reason, to say you are Mormon and then live outside the principles would be hypocritical so they don’t and won’t define themselves as such. Hard for me to say but I do respect them for being who they are and unafraid of saying it.

With that being said, let me explain.

Proposition 8

Yikes, in even lettering the words it makes me shudder at the controversy. K2 read a note off facebook that addressed this issue from a LDS point of view (remember this reference) and took offense at the bigotry of it. She understood the argument but in it’s delivery it hit some low, unChrist-like blows, on the homosexuals.

She commented on it and spoke to the intolerance of Mormon’s in general and addressed what she felt was inappropriate comments about homosexuals.

It was never easy for my girls to be LDS. In the end, they just felt more accepted and less judged outside the confines of the church. It would be easy to give you all the nasty details but it would serve no purpose. They have left, and really, should be of no concern for most people. Those to whom their concern does lie have their backs and care.

What scares me here though is the verbosity of the comebacks and disregard of the reasons for her feelings. As members, we far too often dismiss the words of a disavowed member because they have "issues" or are "disgruntled". To say, "You obviously have been hurt but that is no reason to attack the church" is immature in thought and deed.

It is ridiculous to assume that the only reason people leave the church is because of some misdeed or sin they can not overcome. As if that would be the only reason for leaving. For some, maybe. For most, highly unlikely. We need to open our eyes and ears and really listen and for goodness sakes reach out beyond our precious Mormon bubble and truly see and hear what it is that is being debated about the church I know we all love.

We are powerful and have a huge network but if used in a way that can be conceived as bullying then what is it we are accomplishing and do we then not set ourselves up to be picketed.

Fact: We as members only represented less than 2 % of the vote in the California election. Yes, we were just a little fish in a big pond. But we network like no other organization and when our leaders issued their call, (http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/california-and-same-sex-marriage) and we as a people responded it resulted in a 20:1 margin of donations and time. What does that mean exactly? It means that for every $1.00 that was donated by someone who wasn’t Mormon in support of Prop 8, Mormons donated $20.00. Cha-ching; now you see why people are mad. The Prop 8 organization had power and used it. In the end what should have been just another Proposition the ballot became a firestorm.

So I guess you are wondering what my take on the whole thing is. I am not really going to go there. I don’t live in California and if I did the wonderful thing about voting is it is a private matter.

But let me state this.

I believe in marriage. I believe in fidelity and peace. I have no desire to ever be okay that the rights for same sex couples to be married should ever be imposed to happen in our church because it does not straddle our doctrines. I don’t believe that is being demanded here, however. Can we really be so bold as to take choice away without risking greater consequence to ourselves? We know these are the last days.

Define LDS for me. Does it suffice with just one definition or does it have within its roots many different levels. Is one Mormon better than the next because he/she lives it differently? Is someone who attends the temple diligently, home teaches 100% by the 10th of every month, pays a full tithe, attends church regularly but emotionally crushes and abuses his/her family a better Mormon because of his perceived actions in front of others or is the silently dedicated, not so educated simple living Mormon who loves and adores his/her family more LDS. Can you really say and why does anyone think they have that right to say anything at all?

If we cannot even define ourselves as people and live in unity then how can we have expectations on the definition of something as abstract as marriage?

Here’s my point.

Have an opinion. Vote your opinion. But if it is criticized, rather than strike back, hold firm to what you know for yourself. This advise goes both ways. Do as your mother taught you and agree to disagree.

We cannot as a church do what we did and then profess that we are only a small percentage of the vote. We were, as a people, instrumental in the results of that proposition. Expect to be criticized! Expect to be protested and then, above all else, be tolerant.

Let there be peace.

Always!

You Haven't Asked

A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy's failure, he asked, "Are you using all your strength?"
"Yes, I am," the little boy said impatiently.
"No, you are not," the father answered. "I am right here just waiting, and you haven't asked me to help you."

Author Unknown


Deep hey? I came across this and my heart shuddered. I believe this is my Achilles heel. Along with a ton of other things that make life make sense.


What am I on about?


Struggles and heart ache. Yes, the metaphor is there that we just need to ask the Big Guy and he'll help us but there is much more meaning if you think deeper and more abstractly.


The way we seek help, the way it is offered, how it is delivered is never done in the same same for each unique experience we have. What if the help the Big Guy offers comes in the shape of a church leader, a visiting teacher, a home teacher, a school teacher, a friend.


Deeper thought - what if the BG's intent is for us to be the aid to someone else's struggle and how do we ever know.


So many people have helped me and my family. I couldn't even list them all and there are times when I feel like the scale is so lopsided now that repaying will never be realized.

I try and find ways to serve others but all of the traditional ways require time that is a valuable commodity to me. Fitting it all in is prit near impossible.

As I learn to balance this new, crazy busy life of mine I hope that I can be open enough to the spirit to know when to ask for and when to offer the help this world needs for it to be balanced from my paradigm.

Worse for Where?

"Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say."

Wayne Dyer

I had a flashback last night of monumental proportions. It was eerie and beautiful all at the same time. It involved Big D.

I got the dreaded call, the one that every parent hates getting.

"Mom, it's me. You're going to be mad..... please don't be mad."

"What did you do D?"

"I had an accident, the car is totalled.'

Right at that moment as the anger was seething up to the surface I flashed back 31 years and remember a memory moment of all memory moments.

Picture those same words coming out of my mouth and my mother reaching out to me and just embracing me, thanking the Big Guy for keeping me safe.

I wasn't perfect, I did express frustration; only because money is so tight and fixing the car may be next to impossible but what I did do was ask, "Are you okay, is everyone okay?" There was the sound of an ambulance coming in the background and my heart was sinking but D assured me everything was fine.

When I arrived at the accident scene I just hugged D, told him how much I loved him and cried that he was safe. The police officer walked over, thanked me for raising such an incredible and respectful kid and made sure I knew that D was 100% NOT AT FAULT and there was nothing he could have done to avoid the accident. He continues to make me so proud.

Four kids, three accidents. All coming out safely... knock on wood! As a parent you never get used to this but you always are grateful and say the silent prayed of gratitude for a child coming out unscathed and pray for the parents of those kids that don't .

D is aching, he'll be busing it for a while. I played mean parent and made him follow through all the incidentals of an accident. Calling the AMA, getting the car to the car lot etc. I'm giving him a bit of a reprieve as he rests today, soothing his aching back and neck.

I'll never really know how well I do as a parent until I watch my children parent their kids. I know my Mom was almost always great and more than anything else, she was an excellent example that I use over and over again as I raise my kids.

I hope that the way I live will be the best way of letting my kids know who and what I am about. I may never be what some may think I should be but in the end, the only thing that matters is what my children think I am and who I am to my Father in Heaven.