On Being Alone

So, why start writing again? I am sure that's a question that will be asked when you realize I have taken to words again.

Well.

I have been under the weather lately. My mind tends to wander when that happens and since I struggle on a daily basis with what some would call depression and I say the blues as I have been told by the Dr's I don't qualify to the label of depression this then results in a wandering mind.

On Thursday a friend who removed me from contact over 3 years ago left a note in my mailbox. Wayne brought it to me and as I read it it brought back so many fond memories of a very long shared friendship. I miss her, and I don't miss that many of my old acquaintances.

I held the note for a short while. You see, when I let that old social network in inevitably they cause harm so I am quite leery. What to do? I decided that since I have been so alone for so long I would reach out and see what it is she wanted.

BIG MISTAKE!

The conversation begins as all Mormon conversations do; speaking about the accomplishments of your children and to clarify it isn't anything other than the amount of grandchildren, their marriage status and their children. They don't care about careers, about life skills; it's all about "are they active, are they happy in the gospel because to Mormons there is no happiness anywhere else. Two minutes in I realized that it was not going to be any different.

Man I don't miss this.

Within a few short minutes and out of nowhere my friend began a narrative about another good friend's son and his indiscretions. She was specific and heartless. This good friend whose son she was speaking about is someone I don't know well but I am close to S the mother and hearing this was repulsive to me. S and I speak often and if this was something she wanted me to know she would have told me. I knew then the conversation was over, done.

More importantly I came to know for sure just how grateful I am for being out of the church as conversations, intimate, detailed conversations of gossip are something I am very rarely involved with.

I know I would rather have 2 close friends then a ward of friends whose whole being is evolving around the perfectness of lives. Do Mormons even know just how cruel they are to each other? I live in such a different world and every once in a while those awful character traits come out in me. I catch myself now and change the direction and even though I live a very lonely life it is still one I would rather have then go backwards to the kind of cruelty I witnessed this week.

Unfortunately I confided in her about a situation I am dealing with and one I have hoped she would keep to herself. I know I placed my trust in the wrong place and I know there will be a price to pay for it.

Still learning life lessons and failing.

Oh well.

Time Passing

“You'll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. 

Be bold enough to live life on your terms,
and never, ever apologize for it. 

Go against the grain,
refuse to conform,
take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path.
Laugh in the face of adversity,
and leap before you look. 

Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. 

March to the beat of your own drummer. 

And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”  

~Mandy Hale

So for over the last year I have fought an internal battle of my soul. It seemed that my words were making some people uncomfortable. I received a phone call stating so and true to the weakness of my being I crumbled and put down my pen.

I'm not sure why, maybe I needed to think through life rather than write through it but whatever may be in changed me.

In December of 2013 I had had enough. I was tired of being told who and what I was supposed to be. Tired of being forced to live between the lines defined by religious zealots who felt they controlled my destiny. Tired of it all.

I wrote a simple letter, a simple paragraph that had I known the freedom of spirit it would grant to me I would have done it so much sooner.

This last 6 months have been so liberating as I have allowed myself to absorb a truth that living defined not man. This path has never been easy but so well worth it.

So why pick up the pen now?

Curve balls.

I have always feared the journey I am about to embark on. It seems to be the path of many of the women of my family before me. I have no fear now as the reality has hit.

It's funny how you can lose a religion that so defined you and find so much of yourself once you do.

I will continue to chronicle this new journey and do so knowing everything will be OK.

  

The Private Me - slumber is over

It's been over 6 months, for all that time I have ached inside to write; to let through my words the cause of healing happen. To bleed the pain away and to heal.

I stopped writing for 2 reasons, one, as a request and two, to rethink where I was going. In the 6 months away I have looked very deeply into my soul. I have learned the truths about myself that speak to where I have been and to where I am going.

So here is what I have to say.

If you were a friend of mine when I was active in the church and if in reading this you are offended.... tough shit. Don't read it. I haven't heard hide nor hair of any of you in over three years and quite frankly, I don't care. I am not writing this to win your friendship back, seriously, I should thank you for teaching me about the true meaning of friendship. So let me take this opportunity to tell you that I will resume writing and if your curiosity brings you back here it is you exercising your agency to do so, you don't have to read it, you don't have to be involved and if my words bother you, pick up a phone and call me; don't run to the Bishop and complain. He's not my Bishop anymore.

The above photo was taken 4 days before the worst floods hit the land of my song. This very spot doesn't even exist anymore. In its place are new creeks and valleys carved from the chaos of what is being called a "once in a century" flood. It is just as beautiful there now, maybe even more so, and in time it will bring many to it's banks to feel the peace that comes only in a place like this, transformed and all.

I may not be the same person I was 10 years ago but what I have become is so much more than I ever would have become being chained the way I was.

I am writing again, I need to, it completes me.

If this bothers you, move on.

Here's to getting back to the completeness that comes from the song that comes through the soul's word's.

The Closing Chapter

Never in my life did I think I would end up in such a beautiful place ...doing so many incredible things. So, I'm sorry if I was a little too honest with you. But I wasted too much of my life being quiet. I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I even get here?”  ~ Last Holiday

I just spent 10 days by myself on Vancouver Island. Winter is brutal on me and this one was no exception. With W's limited vacation time and my extra from working overtime it just seemed right to get out and explore. My sister gave me the OK to stay in her beautiful home on the ocean so there I was, waking to sleeping hours hearing the waves crash, watching the sun rise and fall and hearing the migrating sea lions on the log boom just a short distance away. 

When I started this blog I had just read the book by Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now" and had come to realize that this moment, the exact Now of our lives was the healing zone. I can't think of a better way to find Now and reside there for a moment than to take time away by oneself and just be.

It's time to close it (the blog); respectively and with purpose. It was never so apparent than when I heard from my middle BBG while away and she was hurt and needed it done. I had already moved on from here but hadn't left this place with an official closure and message. 

Well, here it is.

The only intent of this blog was to heal. To document a journey and to give purpose to the actions some have most understood. You see, I come from a strong heritage of writers of journals. Even while I was away these last few weeks, my cousin shared with me a photocopy of the journal of my great grandfather as he migrated (adventure was his original purpose) from England to the Gold Rush in the Klondike to Vancouver where he met and fell in love with my namesake. His great aunt's journal that documents her travels from England to Turkey in search of healing at the Turkish Baths in the 1800's is also a part of my library. These are just a few of the words left to show how we, as a family, move through our lives.

I sometimes read back on this blog and see and feel those moments that made me heartsick, heartbroken, joyful and even elated. I have removed some posts because their point of reference was filled with too much anger. Yes, I did edit contra to some opinions. I have relished those where an AHA moment changed my life. Mostly though, I have evolved from all the pain and this blog has documented it. I made it through and I made it through whole, happy and with my children still with me. That would not have happened if I hadn't have taken a hard look at myself and asked the question, "what could I have done differently?" The answers were all there, in the words and because they're journal they will be a learning for generations to come, both the hard lessons and those that just made me who I am today.

Each child has a paradym of the past, much like I do, even M. The most important thing is to validate those paradigms and apologize where your behavior hurt people. That is the most essential part of these past 6 years. Saying sorry has been the most liberating evolution for me. Just this last week, BBG #1 asked me to stop apologizing. All I could say was I can't. I choose M, I chose that life, they were born into it. NO CHOICE there, and because they had no choice they suffered at the hands of my choice and for that, the apology will never ever end; ever.

Here is what I am on about.

Closing the chapter.

This week, these words, this blog was attacked again. It's funny how those who really know this journey, know my heart, see these words as inspiring, moving, quite gentle compared to what could be said and yet those, driven my a religious fear see them as an assault and mean spirited. "You can't please them all" as granny used to say and as I reflect I stand behind all that has been written. I do this because right from the start, the very first post, I left a disclaimer that said, this is MY JOURNEY. If you don't like it, no worries because I didn't write the words to please you or any other person. They were written as a journalistic journey of recovery from ABUSE. They were written for me, for my children. PERIOD.

Now to M, yes you, MARK.

For so long I have strived for indifference when it came to you. I was told that it was the opposite of love and I was willing to do whatever I could to not be in love with you.

I would argue now that isn't my goal anymore. You so rarely come up in conversation and when you do, it is mostly not a great conversation. Your actions over these last 8 years have proven over and over again that the decision to walk away was the right one. You continue to hurt the children and yet you continue to prove you haven't the social awareness to understand why. I thought you insensitivity and heartlessness was just a result of a cruel, religiously zealous attitude and yet now, I see you as broken, like the rest of us, just broken.

Your kids will always love you. That is ingrained into them, it's human nature. Respect on the other hand is earned and can easily be lost.

You think I have left the church to keep the kids happy and that I am less a parent for doing so and yet, if you have read this blog as you claim then the only way you could have ever come up with that is that you haven't comprehended a single word that has been written. My leaving the church, if blame can be laid at any one's feet would lay squarely on yours. Summed up: Spiritual Abuse.

Notice I used the word IF. I don't blame my departure on anyone. It is a CHOICE. One, by the way, I am very comfortable with. Having any kind of conversation with you on the fact is pointless because you judge too harshly and far too quickly to have any kind of rational conversation about it. You live your faith in absolutes and claim a Christ like existence so far from who the Savior was/is that I have no hope to ever have you try and understand my point of view. It would be pointless.

That was the major fault of our marriage, I spent 25 years hoping you would learn to hear and understand and now I realize that you are incapable of it. Understanding that helps me to know that ending the marriage was the right thing to do. Some people are never meant to be married. We are a perfect example of that.You see, marriage isn't about control, its about love. You truly believed that by controlling me, controlling your children you were in fact loving us and yet, we see it very differently.

I have NO regrets over these past few years. I wish I could have some do overs but human nature is to fail sometimes. When we do, and if we pick ourselves up we are living .That is what this blog was about. Living and what to do to pick yourself up.

In the space of just a few weeks these words were used against me more than once. The irony is that in all the cases it was members of the church that used them. As I listened to conference this past weekend (I still do that) I heard over and over again the admonition to be nice, kind, tolerant. To reach out without judgement and to be like the Savior and found the irony of those words as I reflected on my past few years and the interactions I have had with the very members of the church those words were for.

I have moved on from here. I still write to my hearts content and release the words meant o be written if not for others at least for me, for my own solace. This blog is closing, this is the final post. My children have asked that I not shared openly their lives with their father who is reading this. At least not until he can understand what it is he did that caused such pain.

I guess my only admonition would be; when we understand what it is we are doing that causes the hurt, as much as it hurts to admit it, saying sorry and actually meaning it without excusing it through religion or whatever vehicle we chose, we can heal, we can grow and we can then earn back the respect we lost when we forgot to parent our children instead of being so angry at each other.

Forgive me for all the wrong I caused you and yes, as passively aggressive as this may sound, I forgive you.

God bless you M on your fight with your health. I hope only the best for you.

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it's no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

For me, I have changed for the better. I would go through it all again, these past 6 years, if it meant the learning would be the same. Sometimes, we go through the gauntlet to become strong. I am stronger.

Goodbye all.

Kindness, try it sometime.

"I suppose the thing I most would have liked to have known or been reassured about is that in the world, what counts more than talent, what counts more than energy or concentration or commitment, or anything else - is kindness. And the more in the world that you encounter kindness and cheerfulness - which is its kind of amiable uncle or aunt - the better the world always is. And all the big words: virtue, justice, truth - are dwarfed by the greatness of kindness." ~ Stephen Fry

For over 5 years, 6 in May, I have used this blog as a way of expressing my thoughts through a difficult journey. I started it with one premise, a journal. A written account of my thoughts and feelings as I found happiness again. Some months I have written more than others, some entries more lucid, some filled with pain, some angry and some; joyful.

What this blog has been, more than anything else, is an outlet. A way to think through my life, to reread through the decisions, the pain, the joy and to find myself draped within the words so I could finally, after so many years of being told otherwise, find worth in my soul.

I have used initials to guard privacy, made a point to always say the opinions expressed were mine, I owned them and that the experiences expressed were MY PARADIGM. 

I have done my best to hold back the anger and yet at times, anger was seen because I couldn't do that. Some circumstances create an anger that can only be let go by letting go. It has mostly been directed in circumstances I felt unfair. The JOY of this blog is that my feelings are mine and because these are my words I can express them.

Now, I will express words I hope you understand.

Let me tell you in no uncertain circumstances why I LEFT THE MORMON CHURCH.

Three Fold - in specifics.

HISTORY. The church has correlated the truth right out of the history. What I was taught is nothing close to the truth. When you speak about the church, when scholars write about the truth, they are attacked, criticized, excommunicated, villainies. I grew up in a church that valued truth and found out the only truth they valued was their own narrative. I have only addressed this but a few times, I could write posts proving it all and yet, out of respect I haven't.

DOCTRINE: Well, lets see, blacks and the priesthood, polygamy, Adam/GOD, the Kinderhook plates, the Book of Abraham,DNA evidence, rewriting scriptures to hide "white and delightsome", and then, the cracker, the one I couldn't get over. Forcing a woman and her family to stay sealed to a MONSTER. I could go on, but wont.

And then, the one that shoved me out the door;

THE PEOPLE!

Yes, that's some of you who read this blog. You see, for a long time, whether you meant to or not, you truly let me know how you felt by YOUR ACTIONS. Lets see, shoved out of door way, home taught in the middle of a street, accused of being immoral, yelled at in the middle of a chapel, I could go on but I wont. 

It seemed that having an opinion of an other's place in God's eyes is the right of every member of a ward. It never seemed to end for me, I could never do anything right and well, quite a few of you made sure I was aware of what it was in YOUR opinion that I was doing wrong. So Christlike don't you think?

So, WHAT AM I ON ABOUT?????

Apparently some of you have been so concerned about my words it's caused you to go to the Bishop.

Seriously?

I'm done. I am not going private because by doing that my words are lost. I want my words left visible and accessible. I need them to bear witness to whats wrong with a culture that claims love and dispenses hate and judgement.

If your purpose of reading my words is in support, send me an email ( oilgirl2@shaw.ca ) and I'll direct you to my new blog home. For those who simply judged my words and found fault, take some time, watch this. Maybe this will save someone else the pain that I have felt.

huh?

I just got off the phone with my old bishop. He had called again and asked that I call him back.

I did.

I'm confused.

All I have to say.

We talked a fair bit but one thing;

His words; "there are people who are concerned with what you write in your blog and have come to me".

Seriously?

To those people, if you have questions, if you have concerns, why not just ask me.

It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things. ~Lawrence G. Lovasik

Pressure

I love the mountains, that's not news, but the reasons why are buried deep within my very soul. It wasn't until I actually studied geology a few years back in my engineering classes and after working in the study of rocks that I have come to understand what it is about their formation that intrigues me.

When I am up there, in the national, provincial parks I begin to feel very much at home. I am sure part of it has to do with my song, my familiar place and the other, the shear magnificence of it all. Somehow, your perspective becomes very real and your place in the grand scheme of things is soon realized when you see just how small you are in comparison to your surroundings. It's a reality check of sorts.

The folds in the rocky mountain strata amaze me, I could never take enough photos of it. Here, in the Canadian Rockies, like no other place you can see every movement, every catastrophic event that gave us, gave me, what I feel so home in.

Last weekend, I went out with my BigMa lens - 150-500 and just shot the peaks. Over and over again, as the snow ridges emphasized the folds I wondered, what was it that made the earth curve and break so. I knew the answers were there so I took this photo, sent it to my mentor (my boss) and asked... how? He knew the peak well, the area was one of his favorite places to hike and he explained, in fine geologic terms the reasoning behind a place I love so much. He then taught me about the application of those principles to area unseen, like where we drill. He explaining logging in a way I had never fully grasped.

I sent the pic to our new young geologist. She has helped me so much as I have shared my knowledge of the geology software she has helped me understand the depositions of rock and the formation of oils and gases. I love my new job, I don't just administer there. I learn every day.

So, what am I on about?

I have been struggling a lot lately. It's winter, that is my first clue as to why but deeper than that, more catastrophic to my soul is realizing in a real way I am giving up. My life is a shadow in some ways of what it used to be. In other ways it is better than i ever imagined. It's hard to explain.

I tried for a time, after I quit my activity in church to keep the friends I had. It took about 6 months to realize that unless I made the effort, the friendships didn't exist and I had an aha moment. Friendship became the slag of it all.  Having been Momo my whole life meant friends, as defined under the rules of the Mormon culture, were gone and that meant everyone. Everyone. I morned for nearly a year and then I decided to see someone, to find a way to make peace. You see, I was the happiest I had ever been but lonely too.

Well, the "transition" councillor taught me many things. Most importantly, about boundaries and about chasing vs. reality.

People choose who they have in their lives. If you aren't important, if their not important, connections just change.

She also gave me some insight into my own soul. I give too much. She helped me to understand the brokenness of the giving. Underneath was a deeply scared and folded strata of a soul and searching for help outside of myself and giving to heal my pain, a kind of purchasing of respect ultimately earned me nothing but emptiness to connections. The second stage of the healing commenced.

I don't chase connections anymore. We come to a moment in our lives where we are who we are. I know my place for myself, I know what I want and I can't keep being disappointed by others not living up to my expectations.

I disappoint a lot of people but more importantly I have disappointed myself. If my actions are my own to own and if I am hurting no one but myself I can't worry about how my actions affect others until I fully understand how they hurt me. I can't keep giving away everything, including my soul.

I am not chasing relationships anymore, family or not and the price I have paid is deep.

I often ask myself how my mother did it, how did she get us to respect her so deeply; to love her so unconditionally?

The therapist said that behavior is modelled. She said my children were taught how to respect me by their father and since he had none for me that was deeply folded into our relationships. There was never enough I could do to earn something that by nature should simply be there. I had to accept that this would be my reality and that I had to choose how to build the boundaries to "protect" my soul. For a long time I made bad choices in forcing the respect, then I went into guilt mode and tried to "buy" it and now, well, that's where I am right now, what's next?

In my heart, I know I've tried, I've sacrificed, I've begged to matter but I just can't do it anymore.

I can't do it for my kids and I can't do it for my Dad, or my other family. It's time to do it just for me.

Deep inside all the souls chaos that is in me is a kind, loving, giving, beautiful women. I can't keep waiting for others to assure me that I have value. I will matter to myself now.

I will matter to myself.

Thinking...... is sometimes very painful and yet...

“No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy 

will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who

 knock it is opened.” 

~C.S.Lewis, The Great Divorce

C.S.Lewis is one of my favorite authors. He wasn't a writer I sought out, his words came upon me by necessity. He was a required class for my major in university.

Within the 16 week sememster we read nearly all of his novels. We went so quickly and touched so lightly on his words, the avenue so biased to Mormon think that it wasn't until nearly 30 years later, as I have started to tackle his words again that I seem to be understanding in a different much richer way.

I knew I would revisit all the old classics I sprinted through all those years ago. As I have; with time passing, learning, experience, heartache, I see the words; feel them actually, in a broader more meaningful way. Where I once saw one type of alliteration, a much different meaning exists. 

CS Lewis was a theologist, a humanist theologist. He spoke a universial language of acceptance of Christ. His words have such deep meaning. Even when I began my second journey through his words with "The Chronicles of Narnia", though I fully understand the premise, the parallals seem more profound, more universal.

So, what am I on about?????

Words. How you can spend your entire life thinking words have one meaning and how, though experience, through reality, through time, words will morph to a whole new way of being. 

Is it you that changes ir the words?

I am so grateful for change because it doesn't matter whether I changed or the words did, it's just different.

Less defined. More accepting. Less regimente. More accepting. Less judgemental, and much more accepting.

Exit Costs

“We are all tattooed in our cradles with the beliefs of our tribe; the record may seem superficial, but it is indelible.”

 ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.  The Poet at the Breakfast Table

You would think that a pattern that repeats itself becomes old and repetitive; boring some would say. For me, some repeated patterns of behavior are familiar, almost necessary for me to feel whole and yet others frustrate and anger me, make it that I must step back to find my inner center and core. It’s almost a search for a peaceful resolution to a war of behavior with no real purpose.

Well, should I write it, is it worth it,?

Here is what I am on about, here we go again.

Friday, 4:00 pm, BBG #1 and I are at the grocery mart. My phone rings. Well, that barely happens and the number was an energy company. I have some work related issues out there that can result in an unexpected call from an energy company so I chose to answer it.

 FIRST BIG MISTAKE! 

I should have left it to go to message.

“Hello?”

“S?"

“Yes, this is she.”

“Hi, this is Bishop H”, (huge amount of traffic noise in the background, clearly he is walking down a busy street), “I was just walking and your name came into my head, are you ok”?

“ahhhh, I’m sorry, what?, yes, I’m fine.”

“Oh, so everything is ok”?

“Yes, I’m good.”

Silence……….

“are you sure?"

“Yes, Bishop, I’m sure”.

“How about W, is he ok”?

“Yes, he’s away helping his Mom move, but yes, he’s fine”.

Silence…….

“S, your breaking up on me, so, everything is fine then!” (Almost in an angry way)

“Yes, BH, I am good, W is good, is there something you want”?

Silence……….

“S, your breaking up on me (whole lot of traffic noise, clearly he is walking somewhere and is having trouble hearing me).

“so, your good then,, is that what you’re saying…. You’re good”?

This time, I am silent for a minute (10 seconds maybe).

“S, you there? Did you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you, I am just wondering why you are asking”?

Silence,(I would say an angry pause happened here for sure. This one was long and I wasn’t filling it. I wasn’t rude I just didn’t answer his questions with any detail. I honestly couldn’t figure out why, after nearly three years, after HE put me on the no contact list so NO ONE ever contacted me, why he was calling me now, on a Friday, why?)

“S, you’re breaking up on me, I am going to let you go.”

“Oh. Ok”.

Click.

Did you ever want a do over, a second chance?

I would love one for this phone call.

I wouldn’t get angry but I would ask, openly, why he was calling and what his intent was. I mean, we were close, I was one of his wife’s better friends and then it was gone, all of it. My entire social structure collapsed.

Its irony that fell soon after his wife lashed out at me in front of everyone in the chapel that second to last time I attended. I don’t blame him or her but putting me on the “No Contact” list without my ever asking to be on it does have some sway on active members who wonder if they should reach out.

I’m not special; most every member that quits activity loses friends and social status. It’s what is profoundly called the “EXIT COSTS”.

The Exit costs for me were huge, I would gladly pay them again but to ignore they exist would be in prudish.  My reality is a lonely one. I was in for over 50 years. It is going to take time to rebuild my life without Mormonism. It will be worth it, it already is.

I walked in numbness for a few minutes after the Bishop called. BBG # 1 asked who was on the phone and I answered, her response was “why is he calling”?

“I don’t know, my guess, he was asked to or he’s getting released and needs to account for my where abouts.”

And then, the conversation was over for the most part and I realized that I was really one of those now, one of those members that gets talked about in special meetings with missionaries and auxiliary leaders, where some might say “who is she?, or, Oh…. I remember her”. 

The church claims a membership of over 14 million members. In reality, some statistics have active membership as little as 3-4 million.

I am one of the 10 million that for whatever reason, chooses each Sunday to be somewhere other than the chapel. I am the name mentioned in the meetings and every excuse but the real one is given for my inactivity.

http://whymormonsleave.com/

Here’s a link to dispel the common myths as to why members stop going and here’s a request to a Bishop, any Bishop, to Bishop H. If you really care, take some time to find out, something more than a hurried call on a busy Friday afternoon. You might be surprised.

"There is no wealth," she went on, turning paler as she watched him, while her eyes grew yet more lustrous in their earnestness, "that could buy these words of me, and the meaning that belongs to them. Once cast away as idle breath, no wealth or power can bring them back. I mean them; I have weighed them; and I will be true to what I undertake." ~ Charles Dickens  “Dombey and Son”

pneumonia

It's official, pneumonia. When the doctor told me, I let an explicative slip and asked how? I had done everything to avoid it, doubled up the steroids, the puffers, avoided all the triggers. It was caught early, still really hurts, hopefully it will be over soon.

Time for sleep, sitting up and hoping catching it early means getting over it sooner.