Pressure

I love the mountains, that's not news, but the reasons why are buried deep within my very soul. It wasn't until I actually studied geology a few years back in my engineering classes and after working in the study of rocks that I have come to understand what it is about their formation that intrigues me.

When I am up there, in the national, provincial parks I begin to feel very much at home. I am sure part of it has to do with my song, my familiar place and the other, the shear magnificence of it all. Somehow, your perspective becomes very real and your place in the grand scheme of things is soon realized when you see just how small you are in comparison to your surroundings. It's a reality check of sorts.

The folds in the rocky mountain strata amaze me, I could never take enough photos of it. Here, in the Canadian Rockies, like no other place you can see every movement, every catastrophic event that gave us, gave me, what I feel so home in.

Last weekend, I went out with my BigMa lens - 150-500 and just shot the peaks. Over and over again, as the snow ridges emphasized the folds I wondered, what was it that made the earth curve and break so. I knew the answers were there so I took this photo, sent it to my mentor (my boss) and asked... how? He knew the peak well, the area was one of his favorite places to hike and he explained, in fine geologic terms the reasoning behind a place I love so much. He then taught me about the application of those principles to area unseen, like where we drill. He explaining logging in a way I had never fully grasped.

I sent the pic to our new young geologist. She has helped me so much as I have shared my knowledge of the geology software she has helped me understand the depositions of rock and the formation of oils and gases. I love my new job, I don't just administer there. I learn every day.

So, what am I on about?

I have been struggling a lot lately. It's winter, that is my first clue as to why but deeper than that, more catastrophic to my soul is realizing in a real way I am giving up. My life is a shadow in some ways of what it used to be. In other ways it is better than i ever imagined. It's hard to explain.

I tried for a time, after I quit my activity in church to keep the friends I had. It took about 6 months to realize that unless I made the effort, the friendships didn't exist and I had an aha moment. Friendship became the slag of it all.  Having been Momo my whole life meant friends, as defined under the rules of the Mormon culture, were gone and that meant everyone. Everyone. I morned for nearly a year and then I decided to see someone, to find a way to make peace. You see, I was the happiest I had ever been but lonely too.

Well, the "transition" councillor taught me many things. Most importantly, about boundaries and about chasing vs. reality.

People choose who they have in their lives. If you aren't important, if their not important, connections just change.

She also gave me some insight into my own soul. I give too much. She helped me to understand the brokenness of the giving. Underneath was a deeply scared and folded strata of a soul and searching for help outside of myself and giving to heal my pain, a kind of purchasing of respect ultimately earned me nothing but emptiness to connections. The second stage of the healing commenced.

I don't chase connections anymore. We come to a moment in our lives where we are who we are. I know my place for myself, I know what I want and I can't keep being disappointed by others not living up to my expectations.

I disappoint a lot of people but more importantly I have disappointed myself. If my actions are my own to own and if I am hurting no one but myself I can't worry about how my actions affect others until I fully understand how they hurt me. I can't keep giving away everything, including my soul.

I am not chasing relationships anymore, family or not and the price I have paid is deep.

I often ask myself how my mother did it, how did she get us to respect her so deeply; to love her so unconditionally?

The therapist said that behavior is modelled. She said my children were taught how to respect me by their father and since he had none for me that was deeply folded into our relationships. There was never enough I could do to earn something that by nature should simply be there. I had to accept that this would be my reality and that I had to choose how to build the boundaries to "protect" my soul. For a long time I made bad choices in forcing the respect, then I went into guilt mode and tried to "buy" it and now, well, that's where I am right now, what's next?

In my heart, I know I've tried, I've sacrificed, I've begged to matter but I just can't do it anymore.

I can't do it for my kids and I can't do it for my Dad, or my other family. It's time to do it just for me.

Deep inside all the souls chaos that is in me is a kind, loving, giving, beautiful women. I can't keep waiting for others to assure me that I have value. I will matter to myself now.

I will matter to myself.