On Being Alone

So, why start writing again? I am sure that's a question that will be asked when you realize I have taken to words again.

Well.

I have been under the weather lately. My mind tends to wander when that happens and since I struggle on a daily basis with what some would call depression and I say the blues as I have been told by the Dr's I don't qualify to the label of depression this then results in a wandering mind.

On Thursday a friend who removed me from contact over 3 years ago left a note in my mailbox. Wayne brought it to me and as I read it it brought back so many fond memories of a very long shared friendship. I miss her, and I don't miss that many of my old acquaintances.

I held the note for a short while. You see, when I let that old social network in inevitably they cause harm so I am quite leery. What to do? I decided that since I have been so alone for so long I would reach out and see what it is she wanted.

BIG MISTAKE!

The conversation begins as all Mormon conversations do; speaking about the accomplishments of your children and to clarify it isn't anything other than the amount of grandchildren, their marriage status and their children. They don't care about careers, about life skills; it's all about "are they active, are they happy in the gospel because to Mormons there is no happiness anywhere else. Two minutes in I realized that it was not going to be any different.

Man I don't miss this.

Within a few short minutes and out of nowhere my friend began a narrative about another good friend's son and his indiscretions. She was specific and heartless. This good friend whose son she was speaking about is someone I don't know well but I am close to S the mother and hearing this was repulsive to me. S and I speak often and if this was something she wanted me to know she would have told me. I knew then the conversation was over, done.

More importantly I came to know for sure just how grateful I am for being out of the church as conversations, intimate, detailed conversations of gossip are something I am very rarely involved with.

I know I would rather have 2 close friends then a ward of friends whose whole being is evolving around the perfectness of lives. Do Mormons even know just how cruel they are to each other? I live in such a different world and every once in a while those awful character traits come out in me. I catch myself now and change the direction and even though I live a very lonely life it is still one I would rather have then go backwards to the kind of cruelty I witnessed this week.

Unfortunately I confided in her about a situation I am dealing with and one I have hoped she would keep to herself. I know I placed my trust in the wrong place and I know there will be a price to pay for it.

Still learning life lessons and failing.

Oh well.