To Matter

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and the ups and downs of the living of it. Most of the time I feel pretty good about it all but there is a certain time of year that seems to always have me realize a deeper hurt and chasm of pain. Oct and Nov are difficult and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why.

Mom passed on Oct 4 and it brings back a pain that only those that have lost their Mom's understand. The second is my birthday. I can say why but its mute in point. I thought this year would be different but it wasn't and it was hard and it made me think about what it takes to matter, to be the kind of person that people care enough to remember and to matter enough to well, I don't know, just matter I guess.

My Mom mattered and when I tried to remember what her 50th birthday was like, I couldn't remember but what I do know is that the gift I gave her was her first grand daughter K1. I remember her telling me what a great late present it was. She had flown into TO and K1 wasn't in a hurry.

As i was in the midst of a self indulged pity party I started to think that maybe mattering is something that happens by simple and long running acts of caring and that it happens when the people you love start to understand because they have others in their lives who may not be making them matter. Mom used to say that your daughters/son will learn a new way of loving you when they have their own children, that has proven true.

So, what am I on about. 50 came and went - some remembered, some didn't and some redeemed themselves. With everything that is going wrong in my life I took it far to personally and I need to focus more on NOW and get through the difficult stuff like work and losing my faith and focus on getting to the point of mattering because if I wasn't there I would be missed.

That takes time and I have time. Time to love my kids even more unconditionally, to care even more about those precious grand babies and start trying to re-establish faith again and quit mourning the faith that didn't really care that much about me in the first place.

At the end of the day, everyone yearns to matter in the lives of others. I have learned to matter we need to be proactive. to make a difference in the lives of those we love by caring and eventually you will matter.... eventually you will.

 

M - R - J Oct 14 - 2011

My BBG # 3 asked the other day why I hadn't blogged about this precious little guy. I had and have a dozen times and every time I think I have it right I reread it and it just isn't. I don't know how to pen the way I feel about this little man and about being there the very moment he look his first breath. How can I, it was, for me, the most live changing thing I have been through in such a very long time.

BBG, my Mom and I talked about those moments. We talked about what it was like for her as I struggled through each pregnancy and birth and how helpless she felt. How I felt that day, that night and that morning as I watched you struggle and suffer and realised the moment you loved in a way you had never felt before.
I can't describe how I felt as M slept on the couch and you rested as the Dr provided the needed relief. You were laying there and the monitor was going and M's heart beat was beating over and over and there I was about to see the little man who was changing all of our lives for the better. It was just about then that you woke in such agony and pain, your epidural had gone dry.  I went out and asked for help and everyone was busy attending another woman's moment and as I felt helpless I felt her, I felt her like when I was walking with little C and she guided me to know exactly what to do and exactly what to say.
Did you know she was there, holding his hand as he readied to meet you.
That's why I haven't been able to blog about it sweetie, because from that moment until about a hour after M joined us she was there, she knew I needed her and she knew you did too. It is a moment in my life that I will cherish.

I will forever remember the gift little M brought that day.

Time, time with my Mom.

Dear God;

When my children were little I used to play on the piano a primary song that began with the simple phrase,

"Heavenly Father, are you really there?"

I was always surprised because for me, you always were. I have always had the faith in a greater being, in a God, who loved me and loved families and sent me to this amazing place. I have always felt lucky and incredibly blessed to belong to such an awesome family and extended group of beautiful, strong and hardworking women. My father, my Grandpa P and L, all of the men were strong and good examples as well. The only issue was that they weren't a part of a religion that I was. My mother taught me early on that it didn't matter, that it would all work out. That bode against what I was being taught  in church which was it wouldn't be, that they were lost because they had the truth exposed to them and they turned their backs. That didn't seem right either but nothing ever makes sense in the deeper doctrines because opinions wreck such havoc on them.

So why I am addressing You today God? Because of something my sister said today, my beautiful, smart, incredible sister. She attended the party I couldn't bring myself to go to and was asked, "Is S happy?" and she told me how she responded.

It made me think about everything that has never made sense to me when it came to being Momo and then it was like the light switch flicked on.

So what did she say?

She said that for all the years she has known me, 50 to be exact, she had never seen me happier. That's it, that's all because M isn't one to waste her words. She spoke everything I have felt, feel and hope. I am happier and more content and stronger and I wouldn't be here if I would have ever accepted the status quo of my past life.

So God, I don't think anymore it's all about absolutes. I think you love EVERYONE and not one faith has all the answers or rights to be with you. I am free of the prejudice of a faith that prides itself in being the ONLY true faith because I now know that there are so many other faiths and beliefs that bring all to You.

There won't be another faith for me, just a belief, a strong knowledge of YOUR unconditional love for me and for ALL people and things and so on in the beautiful world you have so graciously afforded me and all the others who have and will inhabit it.

For this last year I have grown and learned and expanded all that I know and I AM, TRULY AM, happier than I have ever been.

I have a great Life, hard sometimes but great.

Thank you Dear God, Thank you. Oh, and BTW - thanks for an amazing sista, and hold her close, she deserves it!

Temples Refined

When I get stressed and need those aha moments that make a deeper and more significant perspective come into play with me I head west and straight north to my favorite road - The Spray Lakes Trail. A logging road that winds it way through some of the most beautiful scenery you will ever see. It closes in a few weeks and I just wanted one more drive, to rethink, to destress and to know. When you are up there and you look in all directions you are absolutely reminded that there is a GOD and that he loves you. He/She gave us one hell of a playground to remind us of just how much we are loved.

Now it's about waiting a full 6 months for the playground to open again. Yikes that's a long wait.

And it All Came A Crumbling Down

Wow, life is hard sometimes and sometimes right when you can't afford it to happen, it implodes. You are not sure what the next best step is so you blindly move forward with a new found faith in yourself and the God you have so eloquently redefined into a broader and more accepting Deity. You move on with grace, you know the grace, the one barely spoken of in the religion of the 49 years of the beginning of your life. Oh yeah, and then the works part, the one that says all those road bumps has purpose but until you fix that damn road the journey you are on is always going to get you heart sick. This is where I turn myself into a road crew and figure out how to make it all smooth again.

I like smooth.

This last week was the week from hell. I made it through and I am not quite sure how but I did.

I'm okay, I really am OK.

My road took a bit of a detour - self imposed and now I am getting back on track. I managed to cut through some serious rock face and make it to the foothills again, I'll be back on my rolling prairie hills soon cus that flat like Sask road is to damn boring for me.

Have some work to do, some playing to do, some sadness to work through as a BBG left the nest and I am going to miss her and then I might do some cleaning so Grandpa doesn't have to share his room with all of my junk.

Damn life can be crazy sometimes, it's all worth it though, it's all worth it.

Lord, Grant me.....

I hate pity parties, I hate them. I am struggling, big time and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Even a weekend in Banff didn't cure the heartache and I just want to crawl under a rock.

I am tired and I want relief.

I hope that the sun shines for me again. I am happy, please don't think that I am not I am just tired of having to rise above judgment.

So, when it gets this bad, I start my days with the simple prayer, you know the one, Lord, grant me the serenity.....

...... what I need to remember is that as bad as I think I have it, there are others whose lives have far greater hardships, when I remember this I find the strength to buck up, I am bucking up.

A Transforming Heart

Two little men changed me. Little C and now, Little M. How do describe this feeling of being owned entirely in your heart by two little guys. They came in slowly and it happened, that same moment I laid eyes on each one, that calmness; a serenity of sorts that says everything you worked through, all those years of raising your kids and the ball is passed and you see it and you see that it's okay. It's all going to be okay.

I love my children so much and after going through K3's labor with her I was so proud of her strength and her fortitude. Witnessing birth from that different vantage point was paradigm shifting. I love what my girls are becoming. Seeing Aunt K3 and Uncle Boo and what these little men have transformed us into makes me know the healing is complete. Our Family is growing in such a beautiful way. 

What's a Girl to Do.

I feel like crying, more than I should at this time for more reasons than I choose to mention. I hate conundrums and I hate indecision because most of all I OVER ANALYZE everything and get caught up in an emotional loop that never ever ever ends well.

Two things.

Firstly - a new boss who we will say is not like the new old boss. I thought long and hard before I changed jobs in my new company but I knew that as hard as I worked I was not ever going to be able to ever change the mind of the senior bosses to my value to that team. I had too many obstacles to hurdle to changes minds that were preset. A new job came forward with a manager I great admired, working with a team that had a great reputation. I applied, I went through the interview process and then got the new job... for six months in heaven. I was part of a productive hard working team and felt appreciated for the first time in nearly 4 years.

A shift in boundaries resulted in a change of management. A new boss. It has been very different. The team remains hard working and productive yet now, it seems unappreciated. I feel like I am stepping back in time and the hardship of carrying the animosity of a negative workplace is back home again. I am drowning in over analyzing of what I can do to make this boss see that I do try, that I am good at what I do. Those that have seen the difference tell me the issues aren't mine to own. The management style is different and the skills in the process of learning. I hate being in this position. It is so hard to want to be there everyday.

Second - A call from K my sister-in-law. It's about a party, a shared birthday with a brother who refuses to acknowledge me and a request. A night shared; a story about said brother, and partying with all the "friends" from church who I haven't heard from in almost a year. It was left in a message at work. It was hard to hear. What do I do?

CRY!

I have no idea how to make my life find a path that isn't riddled with the pain that comes from the judgment around me. I live in the moment and hope for the peace promised to those that do, but there are times when I feel I can never escape my own insecurities.

Time to buck up and meet the challenges of the days.

Wish me luck that I can make the right choices and rise above my own fears.

The Act of Gratitude

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

It was just about a year ago today that my world curved. Today I say grace for those who have stood by and for whom my words, my thoughts and my actions pass. I may not have an abundance of friends but those I do have both in my family and out matter so much to me. I am forever grateful for the sifting of my life and for what was left over I am truly blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Now, we go enjoy the day!



Dear Mom

“Promise me you'll never forget me

because if I thought you would

I'd never leave.”

~ Winnie the Pooh

Mom;


Had I known you were going to leave so unexpectedly that day five years ago I would have shown up sooner and asked so many more questions. I would have listened better and never left your side and I would have asked you to tell me so much more of your life, your loves and your values. I would have wanted you to know more than I already said how much I appreciated you and how much your wisdom mattered in my life. I would have said how much I cared and I would have told you “I loved you more!”


Did you know you meant everything to me? That everyday I thank the Lord for you and who you were in my life. I can’t think of a better Mom and if I had a dime for others who say the same thing I would be rich. Your gift of a welcoming home and unconditional love is immeasurable in it’s worth and because of it I have the strength and the courage I do today. I am who I am because you loved me and because you were the gift God gave me for a mother.


I miss you so much. I drive by your house still and I ache at your absence. What pearls of wisdom would you have for me now? Would you love W as much as I do? Would he make you laugh like he makes me laugh? You would be so proud of my kids and all they are accomplishing. You always told me not to worry. I should have listened to you all along.


I have no doubt my Charley would be in your arms and your love for him even more immense than any grandchild you have now. I know you would be just as excited as I am for M or H or D, whatever his name ends up being. It just grows; just like you said; the love you have for your child, as great as is it, grows ever more exponentially with a grandchild. You were so right. I love you for that wisdom.


When I see and hear my friends talk about their Mom’s I get jealous and pained. What I would give for just a few more days, a week, a year to just have you, to have your strength beside me, to know, out there, someone loves me no matter what. Thanks for that by the way, thanks so much. I don’t think I appreciated that as much as I should have when you were around.

The other day, when Charley was crying so and K had such a worried look on her face, A too. I was scared. I had to look like I knew what I was doing and know, instinctively what was wrong. As I was praying and walking I felt you, right there beside me, walking with me. Thank -You for that; thank-you so much.


You know C don’t you? He is an observer but you already knew that. What wisdom you must impart on these beautiful great grandchildren that are coming. How lucky are they to have you beside them? Too have Grandma P and W too. I wish I was at that tea party sometimes. The wisdom that comes through those generations is wonderful.


So today, I have thought of you and I smiled, I shed some tears and I learned more about hope. I do hope I leave my grandchildren with the same feelings of love and unconditional acceptance that you gave to your grandchildren. I hope I can be at least a bit like you to your great grandchildren. A woman can hope, right?


I miss you, I miss you so much. I feel now how you felt all those years ago when Grandma P left. I get what you meant when you said a part of you left with her.


Thanks again, thanks for being everything you were to me. Thanks for being such an incredible mother and an even more amazing grandmother. I can’t think of a better Mom or grandmother that there ever was. I was blessed.


Thank-you.
S