And it All Came A Crumbling Down

Wow, life is hard sometimes and sometimes right when you can't afford it to happen, it implodes. You are not sure what the next best step is so you blindly move forward with a new found faith in yourself and the God you have so eloquently redefined into a broader and more accepting Deity. You move on with grace, you know the grace, the one barely spoken of in the religion of the 49 years of the beginning of your life. Oh yeah, and then the works part, the one that says all those road bumps has purpose but until you fix that damn road the journey you are on is always going to get you heart sick. This is where I turn myself into a road crew and figure out how to make it all smooth again.

I like smooth.

This last week was the week from hell. I made it through and I am not quite sure how but I did.

I'm okay, I really am OK.

My road took a bit of a detour - self imposed and now I am getting back on track. I managed to cut through some serious rock face and make it to the foothills again, I'll be back on my rolling prairie hills soon cus that flat like Sask road is to damn boring for me.

Have some work to do, some playing to do, some sadness to work through as a BBG left the nest and I am going to miss her and then I might do some cleaning so Grandpa doesn't have to share his room with all of my junk.

Damn life can be crazy sometimes, it's all worth it though, it's all worth it.

Lord, Grant me.....

I hate pity parties, I hate them. I am struggling, big time and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Even a weekend in Banff didn't cure the heartache and I just want to crawl under a rock.

I am tired and I want relief.

I hope that the sun shines for me again. I am happy, please don't think that I am not I am just tired of having to rise above judgment.

So, when it gets this bad, I start my days with the simple prayer, you know the one, Lord, grant me the serenity.....

...... what I need to remember is that as bad as I think I have it, there are others whose lives have far greater hardships, when I remember this I find the strength to buck up, I am bucking up.

A Transforming Heart

Two little men changed me. Little C and now, Little M. How do describe this feeling of being owned entirely in your heart by two little guys. They came in slowly and it happened, that same moment I laid eyes on each one, that calmness; a serenity of sorts that says everything you worked through, all those years of raising your kids and the ball is passed and you see it and you see that it's okay. It's all going to be okay.

I love my children so much and after going through K3's labor with her I was so proud of her strength and her fortitude. Witnessing birth from that different vantage point was paradigm shifting. I love what my girls are becoming. Seeing Aunt K3 and Uncle Boo and what these little men have transformed us into makes me know the healing is complete. Our Family is growing in such a beautiful way. 

What's a Girl to Do.

I feel like crying, more than I should at this time for more reasons than I choose to mention. I hate conundrums and I hate indecision because most of all I OVER ANALYZE everything and get caught up in an emotional loop that never ever ever ends well.

Two things.

Firstly - a new boss who we will say is not like the new old boss. I thought long and hard before I changed jobs in my new company but I knew that as hard as I worked I was not ever going to be able to ever change the mind of the senior bosses to my value to that team. I had too many obstacles to hurdle to changes minds that were preset. A new job came forward with a manager I great admired, working with a team that had a great reputation. I applied, I went through the interview process and then got the new job... for six months in heaven. I was part of a productive hard working team and felt appreciated for the first time in nearly 4 years.

A shift in boundaries resulted in a change of management. A new boss. It has been very different. The team remains hard working and productive yet now, it seems unappreciated. I feel like I am stepping back in time and the hardship of carrying the animosity of a negative workplace is back home again. I am drowning in over analyzing of what I can do to make this boss see that I do try, that I am good at what I do. Those that have seen the difference tell me the issues aren't mine to own. The management style is different and the skills in the process of learning. I hate being in this position. It is so hard to want to be there everyday.

Second - A call from K my sister-in-law. It's about a party, a shared birthday with a brother who refuses to acknowledge me and a request. A night shared; a story about said brother, and partying with all the "friends" from church who I haven't heard from in almost a year. It was left in a message at work. It was hard to hear. What do I do?

CRY!

I have no idea how to make my life find a path that isn't riddled with the pain that comes from the judgment around me. I live in the moment and hope for the peace promised to those that do, but there are times when I feel I can never escape my own insecurities.

Time to buck up and meet the challenges of the days.

Wish me luck that I can make the right choices and rise above my own fears.

The Act of Gratitude

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

It was just about a year ago today that my world curved. Today I say grace for those who have stood by and for whom my words, my thoughts and my actions pass. I may not have an abundance of friends but those I do have both in my family and out matter so much to me. I am forever grateful for the sifting of my life and for what was left over I am truly blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Now, we go enjoy the day!



Dear Mom

“Promise me you'll never forget me

because if I thought you would

I'd never leave.”

~ Winnie the Pooh

Mom;


Had I known you were going to leave so unexpectedly that day five years ago I would have shown up sooner and asked so many more questions. I would have listened better and never left your side and I would have asked you to tell me so much more of your life, your loves and your values. I would have wanted you to know more than I already said how much I appreciated you and how much your wisdom mattered in my life. I would have said how much I cared and I would have told you “I loved you more!”


Did you know you meant everything to me? That everyday I thank the Lord for you and who you were in my life. I can’t think of a better Mom and if I had a dime for others who say the same thing I would be rich. Your gift of a welcoming home and unconditional love is immeasurable in it’s worth and because of it I have the strength and the courage I do today. I am who I am because you loved me and because you were the gift God gave me for a mother.


I miss you so much. I drive by your house still and I ache at your absence. What pearls of wisdom would you have for me now? Would you love W as much as I do? Would he make you laugh like he makes me laugh? You would be so proud of my kids and all they are accomplishing. You always told me not to worry. I should have listened to you all along.


I have no doubt my Charley would be in your arms and your love for him even more immense than any grandchild you have now. I know you would be just as excited as I am for M or H or D, whatever his name ends up being. It just grows; just like you said; the love you have for your child, as great as is it, grows ever more exponentially with a grandchild. You were so right. I love you for that wisdom.


When I see and hear my friends talk about their Mom’s I get jealous and pained. What I would give for just a few more days, a week, a year to just have you, to have your strength beside me, to know, out there, someone loves me no matter what. Thanks for that by the way, thanks so much. I don’t think I appreciated that as much as I should have when you were around.

The other day, when Charley was crying so and K had such a worried look on her face, A too. I was scared. I had to look like I knew what I was doing and know, instinctively what was wrong. As I was praying and walking I felt you, right there beside me, walking with me. Thank -You for that; thank-you so much.


You know C don’t you? He is an observer but you already knew that. What wisdom you must impart on these beautiful great grandchildren that are coming. How lucky are they to have you beside them? Too have Grandma P and W too. I wish I was at that tea party sometimes. The wisdom that comes through those generations is wonderful.


So today, I have thought of you and I smiled, I shed some tears and I learned more about hope. I do hope I leave my grandchildren with the same feelings of love and unconditional acceptance that you gave to your grandchildren. I hope I can be at least a bit like you to your great grandchildren. A woman can hope, right?


I miss you, I miss you so much. I feel now how you felt all those years ago when Grandma P left. I get what you meant when you said a part of you left with her.


Thanks again, thanks for being everything you were to me. Thanks for being such an incredible mother and an even more amazing grandmother. I can’t think of a better Mom or grandmother that there ever was. I was blessed.


Thank-you.
S

Friendship Facebook Style

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."- Socrates, Greek Philosopher

In the past few days I have had called into question the friendships I have on "FACEBOOK". Was I aware of their stances with regards to current standards in the church?

The answer is simple - YES.

In the past year these people and their blogs, their comments, their forums have carried me to come to a truth for myself. Each has their own journey both in and out of the church and only advocate the thought "to thine own self be true".

The only influence they played in the decisions I have made have been to search my own heart and find whatever truth will be authentic to myself. Yes, some advocate lifestyles and choices and doctrines that may differ from the stand of a black and white stance to the gospel but if more of these people had greater voices I may have been active today.

You may not agree to their posts, all I ask is to eliminate their feed because I won't.

My whole life I have never fit into the traditional mold of Mormonism. In the friendships I have that have been deemed inappropriate I have found like minded people. They remind me of the good that is in the culture. A culture I could say has not be kind to me.  Their voices, both written and spoken have helped me to see a side of the faith I have spent so much of life in with a more reasonable, rational perspective.

I am sad that their point of view frightens you. If it didn't it might make a more welcoming place for those who feel so lost when they walk through those chapel doors.

So though I don't know them on a personal level, I am purposeful in adding them as FACEBOOK friends, there is no doubt to that. I stand behind their words and their thoughts.



Once There Was A TREE....

 Once there was a tree....
and she loved a little boy.

I had another great moment in the "Reading Advantage" program. Did I say how much I love that program. I think Iz thinks she is the only one learning and yet there isn't an evening that I don't walk away knowing something new or feeling somehow enriched. I love the program.

On the first visit I gave Iz one of my favorite books; "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. I have loved that author and that book for so long. The book has such a deep and profound message beyond the simple story that is told. It's one of those conundrums that life offers. The story and then the deeper story. Life always gives a deeper meaning if you just think broader. So many people never get past the simple meaning.

Today, we were covering the vowel o, did you know that there are 6 different ways to say the letter o. The first pass through the book we concentrated on the actually phonetics of the book. Iz had practised so much and had it nearly perfect even though she would never admit it and then we read it for meaning. This time around we discussed how she had read book in Japanese, French and English and how with each language the tree is portrayed differently. I was so stunned.

I have always been so puzzled by the meaning of the book. Shel S isn't so simple as to have a tree give everything and then just be "happy". In a real way he challenges the reader beyond the simple story to ask, do we give everything we have to be happy? The answer is intrinsic; it depends on perspective. I have always felt that the tree was happy for the little boy but maybe not so much for itself and yet, since it's purpose is sacrificial, it met it's life's goal, or did it?

In the Japanese culture, this book is sad, almost a tragedy. The culture cannot come to terms with the tree every being happy both from the story's point of view and from the sense of reverence a tree is given in the religion of the Japanese - Shinto. This book isn't the happy story so basic to a reader who sees only the surface words reveal. As we discussed this and the principle of giving and to what point someone gives it was so cool to actually be so alike in our paradigms.

We grew up a world apart in two completely different cultures and yet think so similarly on quite a few levels. Today I learned just how small the world can be.

Did I say how much I love the "Reading Advantage" program.

No Worries Mate!

Blogging has been hard to do, what with holding my new grandson and all, hanging out with my amazing daughter and A and just enjoying this beautiful country.

I had wondered what it would be like here being down under and all. I mean I am, quite literally, 1/2 round the world. I have come to a better understanding of the culture, of the people and the area. It is beautiful here.

Tonight I wanted to stay in, we had a chance to dine downtown Brisbane and see the laser light show but what I really wanted to do is just feel this family one more night, feel this home and watch my grandson fall more in love with his parents everyday and to feel that tomorrow, when I leave, there will really be - "No worries".

Every Aussie says this as they leave you, they bid you bye and follow with the words - "no worries mate". I wondered what it meant and why it's used and all I could come up with is that here, life is about finding reasons to chill and enjoy. Things don't get done nearly as quickly as at home and when I heard A and his friend talk about the Aussie way of working I have to say I was a bit envious about having such a lackadaisical attitude. come on, showing up at 9am, 2 hour lunches and leaving right at 4 and still having a job to speak of. That would be firing at home.

But alas, I can't live here - that being two places at once doesn't work so I have to go home and inside of me is falling to pieces. I wish with all my heart I could be here to help, to hold and to just be a full time part of this family. Thank goodness for SKYPE - all I have to say.

So tomorrow I board a plane and then I wait for 10 weeks until this family flies North for Christmas. And then, we do what most families do anyway, we work it out and find reasons to see each other and we love, even 1/2 around the world from each other, because that's what families do. I can do it, even if my heart breaks along the way because of the ache of not holding my C in my arms. Considering the alternative of whose arms he's in, there really are "NO WORRIES MATE".

Mormon Mommy Blogs

I have much more free time then I thought I would here in the land down under. K1 has this Mommy thing down and she has established the most incredible family and home here. With the extra time I have been able to do things that I haven't done. Catch up on my reading, listen to my podcasts and surf the net to places I haven't been in forever.

K1 asked if I knew about the Mormon Mommy blogs. I had heard wind of them but hadn't really looked much closer that my nieces who I lost access to a while ago. It was the only one I would have had any interest in and since I tend to be quite controversial I just assumed it was meant to be that way. Anyway you look at it, it becomes a bit of a voyeuristic act to troll through them so I generally stay away.

Well, with some of my free time I meandered through a found myself intoxicated with the mundane scope of life these blogs expose. I kind of travel log through endurance, some extreme, others looking for compassion and more just needing release. It made me think about the one lasting and monumental change about being outside the culture of Mormonism.

Life isn't about the struggle anymore. Days aren't made to be endured and struggles, trials don't speak anything to my faith or lack thereof. I truly to enjoy every moment of my life, even the hard days and God loves me.  Bad things don't happen to test me. They happen because of choice and because of circumstance. Sometimes it is just the living.

I read of the YW who was the bain of every Smith girl's existence struggling with infertility and I ached for her. Not anger, not hate just compassion and for the girl who suffers in a marriage so clear by all her words I wanted to just say, FIX It. Find purpose in yourself, in your journey and make peace with the role YOU CHOSE. The one that got away probably isn't much different then the man you married and spending a life wondering what if only interferes with the living a life that is.

Reading all the blogs and posts made me realize a few other things.

A good camera a one photography class doesn't make you a professional photographer. It made me recommit even more to completing my SAIT courses and even then, I am still not sure of that path.

I won't use my associations for financial gain, ever. How many use their blogs or their church ties to build and promote business. It's a wonder that pyramids schemes do so will throughout the Mormon corridor. Selling a product I want is one thing but there are times when not being there and not being a part of all of it frees me from the endless stream of products, placements and plans that I have no interest in.

I have always seen this blog as nothing more than a travel log to my journey. There have been many times in the last while where a whole blog entry has been written, edited and left to draft because of content I felt unworthy of the generations that follow. I want and need my children and their children to understand the reasons I have made the decisions I have made but I can't impose on them the strong emotional scares that have accompanied them.

Mormon Mommy Blogs serve a purpose, a divine one. They are intrinsically good. There were some that were a JOY to read, to feel a "catch up" to some of my most favorite YW that I taught. I miss my niece's blog, I love watching from a distance my  great nephew and niece and see my Brother be the Grandpa I knew he always would be.

I will be heading back to reality in a few days and my time will be full again. I will skype my BBG #1 and work and have salsa days, travels to the mountains and soon welcome grandson # 2. H's pictures will be splashed all across these pages and my life will continue to be full.

I love writing, always have, always will and my hope is that someday, long from now, my great, great, great grandchildren will open a computer, a book, an IPAD and read about Crazy Grandma LH who struggled, survived and lived and maybe find some sense of purpose in the words I leave.