Yommomma"s journey in inconvience

So yesterday as I was walking into the kitchen the wall up and jumped out in front of me. No kidding, out of no where comes this wall and rams right into my ever so precious foot. No sooner had it done that then I heard the clear and unmistakable sound of cracking bones and yes, once again, I let out an Irish swear and fell to the floor.
I have broken a toe once before and have vivid memories of the pain. Your reading the musings of a woman who just went through of the most invasive surgeries a person could go through and this still hurts more. Yeah, I was out for the count as I watched my baby toe and the one next to it swell up and change to all sorts of the most beautiful shades of purple.
I HATE BROKEN TOES!
Now here's the reason why. Toes in the grand scale of human bones are minuscule digits. They really should, for all intents and purposes, not be that vital to the human form, I mean, come on,.... really! But here I am my second day in completely incapacitated and drugged trying to cope with the throbbing and wondering... WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY!
I'm not a woes either! I have had 4 babies and a few misses, a ruptured gall bladder, my girly parts looked at and fixed and then, well, too much information but I've seen my share of pain and this ranks high.
WHY DO TOES HAVE TO HURT SO MUCH WHEN THEY BREAK?
And then I thought, hmmmmm, what's the LIFE LESSON here big guy? What is it I need to know?
I thought and I thought and then it struck me. I am having a fair amount of trouble with the little things left from the tragic circumstances of these past few years. These little things have almost crippled me, much like this little baby toe is doing to me now. I realized that little things, like toes and the other peripheral things that I am still dealing with can cause an equal amount of pain if not cared for and treated. So, as you can see from the photo, my toe is wrapped and stablized and feeling more comfortable, and as an aside, so our the few little peripheral matters that have been left over from my unfortunate circumstances.
My toe and my precious soul will heal. I am sure of it. Thank goodness for those outside sources of stability like duct tape (pink I might add...thank-you Derek) and church leaders and friends.
And in the process of the last part of the healing I get to enjoy all those purplish hues turning lovely shades of green.

Freedom

Free at last..... free at last.

True Teacher

A true spiritual teacher does not have anything to teach in the conventional sense of the word, does not have anything to give or add to you, such as new information, beliefs, or rules of conduct. The only function of such a teacher is to help you remove that which separates you from the truth of who you already are and what you already know in the depth of your being. The spiritual teacher is there to uncover and reveal to you that dimension of inner depth that is also peace. Eckhart Tolle - Stillness Speaks

One thing that my Father taught me is to search words to find answers. I remember the first book he every gave me like it was yesterday. It was my sixth birthday and he had wrapped it so beautifully. I knew it was important because Dad wasn't a birthday gift giver back then, that was Mom's job. I slowly opened the present to unveil "The Pooh Story Book" by A.A. Milne, first edition. I felt that I had hit the mother load. I can't describe how special I felt that he had gone to the effort of getting me that book. I knew he saw in me the love of reading the was just gestating. I ran to my room and began an odyssey that lives with me to this day.

So why the quote by Eckhart Tolle? Because my Dad also taught me that day to search words to learn about who I was and what I could become. My Father is a reader, his library will testify of that. He has passed this to me in both his example and in his genetic coding. Words are my solace thanks to him.

Thank-you Dad, for not only teaching me to love words but to find in them the peace and serenity that can make me whole. My Mother was my cushion, my Father is my rock. You have been one of the greatest spiritual teachers I will ever have without ever talking about spirituality with me..... except of course, to teach me about those people at church that love to hear themselves intellectualize the gospel and blow smoke up every one's arses. (Sorry Dad, my Irish friends taught me that word.) Your honesty in life is awe inspiring. Please know that I love you Dad, always, and thank-you for being the clandestine spy in the minds of all your grandchildren.

I know I say it a lot but let me say again. I Love you Dad, and thanks...... for everything!

ASSUMPTIONS

We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of these assumptions.” Stephen R. Covey

For a very large portion of my life this very idea was how I lived my life. It never occurred to me that being involved in every situation I witnessed or heard about or participated in there were always assumptions made based on what I brought to the thought process.

I remember a very long time ago, when I was early in my marriage I had been involved in a situation where I thought I knew what would be best for a person. I expressed my opinion, with all the expertize I thought I knew I had and watched as this person listened and then ruled it out. Now, you probably think I was mad for the dismissal of my words but in fact I wasn't. I learned at that moment that even though I might think I knew what was best, reality is that we can only know for ourselves. My assumption was that I knew everything to have an answer for her but there was so much I didn't know. I can easily say that at the time I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life.

I face assumptions that people make. I have to admit I don't do it well. I have struggled often with the feelings of whether to correct those assumptions that people have made about me or just live with them and move on. My daughters have had their lives turned upside down by the cruelty of assumptions. I think that they can devastate a life when they are incorrect.

I wish I could say that I am uninvolved in the cruelty that assumptions can make but I can't say that. I often fight making an opinion about some circumstance and in the end have to apologize or find some way to redeem that opinion.

Mormonism isn't just a religion it is your entire life and sometimes you can get so involved that you forget the gospel of living and it becomes a culture of living. I openly apologize to those I have hurt by making incorrect conclusions and not following my own advise. I openly commit to being more mindful of making the most of living the gospel for myself and less mindful of others way of living.

I will not fight the assumptions others make of me or my family. I will live true to myself.

WOW

So I have this amazing daughter who really can fly...really. She has dedicated her entire life, almost, at least since she was 7 to dance. Now I know there are some people out there who think parents push their kids but in this case she pushed me. She wanted to be a dancer and bugged me til I signed her up and when I say bugged I mean she never left me alone. Once she was in she just went from there. Dedicated and pushing herself and having people comment all of her life that maybe she didn't appreciate all that natural talent she had. I knew better. I remember thinking that this girl is going to make it. And guess what. She has! I am so proud of her! She is moving away to dance in an awesome company and I couldn't be happier for her! She deserves it. She has worked so hard.

So here's to you baby! For knowing what you wanted right from when you were young. For overcoming the negative that kept saying that being a dancer wasn't a righteous desire and for finally being happy both inside and out!

YoMomma knows you've found the Zen!

YOU MAKE ME PROUD!

JUST A THOUGHT?!

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. John Burroughs

Sometimes when I lay my head down, I wonder, did I accomplish all that was intended for me to do this day? I fill my days with the mundane of my job and try and fit in amongst it the parts of my life that make it worth the breathing of the day. There was a time when I literally shut out the world. It was a very scary place. I value the days I have and want never to go back to that lost state.

I love thinking. If anything I have a hard time with the wandering of my thoughts. I can dream just about anything and fall short in my hopes of reality. I sometimes have to shut down my thoughts so I can accomplish what needs done. I think that’s the ADD in me.

Ah, walking! I love a walk in any kind of weather and in any kind of place. My favorite place now is on a ridge overlooking Fish Creek Park. Rocky and I just stroll our way through and admire the scenery. We have come across deer, rabbits, pheasants, and even the dreaded coyote who I know was looking at my precious Rocky like he was lunch. My thoughts are sorted while I walk.

Reading is the distraction I take from my mind being filled with all those ADD thoughts. I love it. I don’t know how many books I have read but I would number it in the thousands. My favorite author is Jane Austin. My favorite novel of all time is "The Autobiography of Mary Todd Lincoln". That book was the first, besides the BOM, to move me and change me. It brought to me an understanding of LIFE LESSONS and building a destiny from heartache and pain. It made historic people real to me and made me want to know more.

My friends are my life line to reality. I can’t help but think that this one thing has been the greatest change to my new life. As a couple we didn’t have a ton of friends. He was difficult and made it hard to be friends with others. Now I have great friends who I can count on and to whom I hope can count on me. They fill my life with joy and contentment and keep me busy for the times when busy is required to move through the life I live. A day without friends can be very empty.

So yes, my days sometimes don’t have enough time in them and when I do lay my head down I take a mental inventory of what was left out and prioritize it to the next day hoping of all hopes that it’s the weekend and I will have some extra time to simply accomplish those items that were left over and need to be done.

I am Just Bragging!

"Heaven just wouldn't be heaven without my wife and children there." Jeffrey Holland

If you don't want to be filled with a completely biased opinion then might I suggest you may want to stop reading this blog entry now.

I am having a very interesting day. Down days don't happen often and very rarely last as long as they used to but I had a very momentary relapse and decided I needed to send out to the WWW my musings about the above quote by Jeffrey R. Holland.

I am a child of the 60's who was raised in the church when what they taught us was if you did it all right everything would be the fairytale. You know the one..... keep yourself worthy and find yourself a strapping young RM and marry in the temple and YOUR LIFE IS SET!

Guess what people. I bought it.

Was I shocked when just moments after (some may argue before but that would insinuate that I might have been a bit stupid) that very fairytale started to crumble.

Before we cut the cake my journey to hell had started and there was nothing I could do that would have ever been able to stop it. I was spiritually inferior and worthless and had no value as I did not hold the priesthood.

Please note that my faith and gospel that I love does NOT teach this. There are some men out there who just take this doctrine and; (shut your eyes,, here comes a swear) bastardize it.

So 26 years later; here I am, coping as a single Mom and finding faith in the most obscure places and I ran across this most thought inspiring quote. It hit me right in my heart! Not in the way you think either.

I am living in my heaven. As the divorce is now final and we are now healing the kids are with me. We laugh and spend oodles of time together and love each other without arguments or harsh words and we SMILE :0) all the time and tell each other we love each other..... MORE.

We have family dinners and nights out and sometimes they just come over and watch TV. My favorite is how my loving and amazing kids tag team each other when life gets difficult and no one is afraid anymore of being hurt by criticism or mean words.

WE ARE A FAMILY... a normal, dysfunctional loving unconditionally crazy love family and we are HEALING! We are just doing it without the DAD because he chose to leave this town and not be a part of this.

So Brother Holland; THANK-YOU. You have reminded me that I can have heaven here on earth and that the possibility of that heaven extending to after this life is so real to me because I know my Father in Heaven is going to take one look at us and say..."Well done!" He will recognize our journey and grant some leniency because of the emotional torture that was our past life.

And please if you are reading this and wondering again, what is Sandi on about now?" Just remember every moment of everyday is one step up from where you once were.

To all those people who have been a part of this great journey with my children and I; THANK-YOU! We are healing because of your tender care and mercies.

And to the Big Guy upstairs, THANK-You even more. Without you I wouldn't be the Mom I have become.

To my precious bundles of ever lovin' joy...K & K & K & D. You are the BOMB! Thank-you for forgiving me for the terrible mothering I did and for letting me be the Mom I was always meant to be! You are my heaven!

YOMOMMA

Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn one’s back on life. - Eleanor Roosevelt

I sometimes wonder if oneness in thought and purpose can lead to extreme conformity if not kept in check. When I went to the Y the one thing that struck me was how all the girls looked the same. Big hair, lots of makeup and the united purpose of getting their MRS. degree. I had spent the two years prior to going to the Y working vigilantly to get in and when I got there the disappointment was almost too much.


Then I realised why I wanted to be there.


I wasn't into the MRS. degree, I wanted an education, not just with books but one that included living. I started to ignore the conformity and found the underlying fun that was there for the asking. I went to all the devotionals and forums and went to all the ward activities. I challenged myself to get to know those big haired girls and the majority of them were okay, some even smarter than they looked. I would not trade my experience for anything and believe it or not, I made it out of there single.

I don't think I will ever fit a mold. I think that was one of the issues in my marriage. M wanted me to be different.

I have a deep and abiding love of the gospel but rarely share my feelings freely with people. I feel so strongly that the way I live my life should show people who I am and what I feel. I visit teach because I love the principal of reaching out. I do it not out of obligation but out of a deep love of the principle. I love that this principal has given me such great friends. Church is a place to go and learn and practise living. I hate it when that is interrupted by my feelings of inadequacies about being single. It's a trial that I am learning to overcome.

I want so much out of life and find myself falling short of getting it because of fear and anxiety. I am working at inner strength and know that in time I will find it. My greatest fear is that I will give up. I know my daughters did. They couldn;t take the meaness and lies that were spread about them.

I find it ironic that outside my faith my daughters are cherished and looked on as incredible young women but in church people feel so bad for me because they aren't there, they are failures. Even M thinks they are failures. I somehow don't believe my Father in H believes they are. In my complete world they are amazing young women who have walked a path that only the big guy truly understands and can see that they have accomplished amazing things inspite of their journey.... our journey. They are not lost!


So as E. Roosevelt says; "One must never, for whatever reason, turn one’s back on life." There is just to much living to enjoy, it would be a shame to have missed it.

Growing

There are so many times when nature has a way of saying what you most feel. While I was on vacation I came across this site. The whole edge of the bay was covered in these massive cliffs. There were small juts throughout and on these very small pieces of earth beautiful trees were growing. I tried to capture it in this photo but I am not sure I did it justice.
So ask.... What's your point Sandi?
This terrain is brutal. You really can't expect something beautiful to survive and flourish here, but they do.
Beauty can be and exist anywhere. It's about taking advantage of what's given you and making the most out of it.
Life can be tragic, complicated and damn it; even hard but finding the beauty in it makes every breath worth while. Let me state here very clearly, I LOVE MY LIFE. As tragic and hard and difficult it has been it has never been unsatisfactory or heaven forbid, not worth it.
I have so many wonderful parts of my life to be grateful for. My KIDS, my amazing parents, the rest of my incredible family. I have a profound love of the gospel and it brings me great peace. I am happy and healthy.
Here's where I just give THANKS.