Reasoning the Unreasonable

"Why do you make surviving all about being abused? Is that all you hope to be and all that you are about?"

Surviving is about dealing with the scars from the abuse we endured and overcoming the pain from the past as we allow ourselves to heal. When it comes to spreading awareness, survivors use their stories of how they were abused to open people's eyes to the truth about what really goes on behind closed doors. Survivors are not all about being abused. No, we are about shedding light on the truth and we reach out to others by sharing our own experiences. We're about educating people on the dangers of abuse and exposing the truth for all to see. We're about giving other survivors and victims hope and faith that they can have a life after abuse and live an abuse free life. That it is possible. There would never be any change and none of us could ever make a difference if we didn't share our experiences with others. The life of a survivor and victim is not all glitter and glam. Abuse is not pretty and neither are the battles we face after we go from being a victim to becoming a survivor.

~ Abuse no More Tina H.

It's been a battle of the flu for the past few weeks. When my body is weakened my heart and soul becomes vulnerable. I spend my days recovering and my mind then wanders, back, to a more unpleasant time. It happens less and less now and I am so grateful for that but when my mind does recall the emotions what forefronts the most is regret coupled with the guilt that had I just been stronger, braver, whatever it could have been, I would have spared so much more harm to the blameless; my kids.

2012 brought about so many changes, mostly for the good. I saw myself stronger than I have ever been. I have reconnected to people I never thought possible and realized just how others needed distancing. I have disappointed family and I have impressed others. I opened up to possibilities of a better future and made bold decisions. Overall, I am improved and that is all we can mostly hope for when we look back on a past year.

My writing has dramatically slowed down. I would hope it was because I am a more content person. I think time management may be in play as well. Either way, I think I need to focus more on a resolutive prose, a healing narrative because I think, for the most part, the anger has dissipated.

I was on the FmH FB page today, a thread about ecclesiastical inaction over spousal and parental abuse was filling quickly. I comment so little on these forums, mostly because my emotional responses still hold so much anger and hurt they become ineffectual. Over and over the comments contained the lack of response from Bishops and Stake presidents in abuse matters. Every part of me wanted to write something, say something and yet all that I could even muster was "did you really think it would be different?"

Through everything the one most apparent lesson I have learned in this matter is that all the promises made through conference talks, RS lessons and sacramental talks from the pulpit is NOTHING will ever be done though empty promises of change are never ending. It's the reality of being a Mormon women in a church of misogynistic leadership, a "good old boys club" of protection.

Why can I say that? I have lived it. It's my reality.

I am not going to even bother with the details, too many and familiar. I think over 1/2 of the single members of the church have a story to tell. My bet would be most would find themselves exactly where I am; out of the fold.

I am going to do something today, I never thought I would. I am moving forward with removing my name.   For so many more reasons than this, when people ask me "are you Mormon?", I don't want to answer Yes any more. There is nothing, doctrinally, historically, or socially involved in Mormonism that I find any longing to be a part of anymore.

Why now? 

Let M answer that. 

It's time.

It's IRONIC really, the "good ol boy's club" saving the one and in turn losing 5. 

I have hope is those young FmHer's. Maybe they can affect change, maybe they will make a difference. Maybe their generation of singles sisters will garnish a respect so few of my generation were ever afforded.