“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.” ~Charlotte Bronte: Jane Eyre
Every once in a while my whole soul gets basted in the regrets of my past journey. I over analyse every mistake and every direction taken incorrectly and find myself self inflicting the lack of forgiveness required to overcome the consequences of those mistakes.
Had I been strong and full of the confidence to not allow myself to be abused I could have spared so much pain for every other member of that journey we shared. I have no doubt that with the self confidence to simple speak up in a positive and assertive way rather than shrink into the destructive pattern I might just have saved the heartache that some members of my family feel now. Oh, if I could just go backwards in time and be a better example, what I would give.
What am I on about?
Thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy taught me one of the most vital lessons to a healthy life. Change is entirely self driven. You cannot change others you can only change yourself. period.
So, what that means is, if life isn't working for you, what can YOU do to change it. Once I understood that concept I then knew that if I did all I could do to change my life, to make it better and those within it were unwilling to find the change in themselves a well, well then, that might just be an indicator to move on.
I think that sums up pretty neatly the reason I chose to walk away from a 20+ year marriage.
My fault lies in letting it be so dysfunctional for far too long.
I have had some time in the past few weeks to really look hard at who I am and what I am about.
Best described would be imperfect, completely, utterly imperfect.
I am so full of so many regrets.
I was set back by the actions of another, someone I thought would have had at least the decency to acknowledge his responsibility to his son, but he didn't. Didn't even answer the email to say no, just silence.
I have had to have my son wait now to fix a health problem that is huge. For the first time, I am overwhelmed by the financial responsibility of my children.
I remember my Mom, when I had no where to go but her house at 43 years old. she said: "I love you, I can't give you much but what I can give you in a roof over your head and food on the table."
When does our responsibility end as parents? When do you stop feeling the pangs of need your children have?
I guess for M, the day he married his second wife. That was the last day he ever contributed anything.
I used to say, when we were first married, that he was the kind of man that would do anything to provide for his family. Well history has proven me wrong.
When push came to shove, I was out at the $6.oo/hr job while he was home "working full time trying to find a full time job", hmmnn, is that what he still says?
I have men angry these past few weeks, wanting to blame someone for this situation, wanting to scream, shout, do something to have M see that even legally, we could go after him to force him to help, make him help.
What good would that do?
Well, this is a tough one to let go, to not stew over. Being sick didn't help in the process of "letting go" either.
So, to get back to where I started, regrets can cripple a soul. Over and over again I have said that if the sole purpose of that 25 year marriage rests in that 4 beautiful, oh wait, that's six now, people are in my life fulfilling every warm part of my sole then I guess it's time to put away the regrets and get down to the living.
I know this post doesn't make sense, its a bit because it was started a month ago, medications still working and sometimes our pasts just simply don't make sense, ever.
Had I been strong and full of the confidence to not allow myself to be abused I could have spared so much pain for every other member of that journey we shared. I have no doubt that with the self confidence to simple speak up in a positive and assertive way rather than shrink into the destructive pattern I might just have saved the heartache that some members of my family feel now. Oh, if I could just go backwards in time and be a better example, what I would give.
What am I on about?
Thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy taught me one of the most vital lessons to a healthy life. Change is entirely self driven. You cannot change others you can only change yourself. period.
So, what that means is, if life isn't working for you, what can YOU do to change it. Once I understood that concept I then knew that if I did all I could do to change my life, to make it better and those within it were unwilling to find the change in themselves a well, well then, that might just be an indicator to move on.
I think that sums up pretty neatly the reason I chose to walk away from a 20+ year marriage.
My fault lies in letting it be so dysfunctional for far too long.
I have had some time in the past few weeks to really look hard at who I am and what I am about.
Best described would be imperfect, completely, utterly imperfect.
I am so full of so many regrets.
I was set back by the actions of another, someone I thought would have had at least the decency to acknowledge his responsibility to his son, but he didn't. Didn't even answer the email to say no, just silence.
I have had to have my son wait now to fix a health problem that is huge. For the first time, I am overwhelmed by the financial responsibility of my children.
I remember my Mom, when I had no where to go but her house at 43 years old. she said: "I love you, I can't give you much but what I can give you in a roof over your head and food on the table."
When does our responsibility end as parents? When do you stop feeling the pangs of need your children have?
I guess for M, the day he married his second wife. That was the last day he ever contributed anything.
I used to say, when we were first married, that he was the kind of man that would do anything to provide for his family. Well history has proven me wrong.
When push came to shove, I was out at the $6.oo/hr job while he was home "working full time trying to find a full time job", hmmnn, is that what he still says?
I have men angry these past few weeks, wanting to blame someone for this situation, wanting to scream, shout, do something to have M see that even legally, we could go after him to force him to help, make him help.
What good would that do?
Well, this is a tough one to let go, to not stew over. Being sick didn't help in the process of "letting go" either.
So, to get back to where I started, regrets can cripple a soul. Over and over again I have said that if the sole purpose of that 25 year marriage rests in that 4 beautiful, oh wait, that's six now, people are in my life fulfilling every warm part of my sole then I guess it's time to put away the regrets and get down to the living.
I know this post doesn't make sense, its a bit because it was started a month ago, medications still working and sometimes our pasts just simply don't make sense, ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment