So Tired.

I have no quote or special words of wisdom this time, just pure honesty and I hope you will understand.

I am tired of the battle, I am tired of waiting and hoping the the faith I love so much will be a place I feel welcome. My life is a series of ironies that unless you walk my path with my shoes you can never really understand.

The church, for me, has been a place of refuge and a place of hate. I have faced the greatest challenges walking through the doors and with everything I have been through it feels now like the last place that won't forget.

For years, members have been the best people in my life and the worst. My greatest cheering section and those that throw the hardest stones. I can't keep it up anymore, I just can't, it's too hard.

For a long time, every Saturday night, after the dances, our house would get egged, These same kids would show up on Friday to swim, or hang out. Can I mention the sign that proclaimed my daughter to be... well, we won't go there, but Mormon girls again and yet, I hung on, to be the anchor for my kids, to show them that this religion I loved had good in it, that their were good people.

As I went through the divorce I saw sides of the Priesthood that gave me hope but there was also those high priests who made it a point to let me know what they thought of me, all because my ex had to let people know that he was "blameless" and that it was me, unrighteous, unholy me that made it all wrong. It wasn't the years of ternary, the name calling, the absolute abuse. That of course never happened in the church, but alas, we all know each other so well from the three hours we spend together every week.

I know, it's sounding half empty again but I am defeated. I can't fight this anymore. I can't keep defending a faith that is just so determined to judge and to criticize. If my ex had of left the church, had an affair, done some misdeed that wasn't up to the interpretation of men afraid to make a stand, my fate would be much different.

It's funny, there isn't an argument from any of the professionals that dealt with out family. It was ABUSE, the worst case some had seen in all the years of their practice but when the Bishop who tried to make him accountable stood up to him, the Stake backed down, he was one of them, it is true what they say.... they do have each others back.

3 years ago a Bishop made a request of me, don't fight, try to do it on your own. I did that, now I have asked his help. M is working now, has been for over a year. A righteous man, an honorable man, a decent man would step up and start supporting his SON, not make excuses, not continue the abandonment. Please, I asked, appeal to his Bishop, someone help us....... NOPE, nothing just like the 7 months I have been waiting for something to start on the cancellation, you know, that open, hurting, awful wound we had to open up to move forward on our new lives.

I'm sad, hurt, and scared. I want the church and faith I love not to be a painful place I visit every week as I try to undo the verbal damage my ex still exudes on my family to this day. I want accountability and will never see it happen, I want peace and hope and it feels just empty and lost.

If you wonder why people stop attending church.... think of me. Think of 5 years of putting up with the gossip and the meanness. I need a reason to want to be there and I can't find one right now, I can't find a purpose to keep trying, it hurts to keep trying.

My daughters tell me there is an inevitable amount of freedom when you don't hear the hushed whispers, when you don't hear the cruel words of judgement from a group of people professing not to judge. It's funny, I was with K2 and we went to pick something up from a place that was owned by Mormons. The girl recognized her and as she did, her whole demeanor changed and that "self righteousness and mean spiritedness came out from this young woman who professes to be so good. K2 blew it off, says that it's normal from the Mormons when they run across her.... she's used to it. It just made me sad, made me wonder again why I try.

I spend 90% of my time away from Mormons now and 90% of my day goes well. Astounding isn't it.

I have been asked to give a talk on testimony. It's the only thing that makes me go these days and even it comes under criticism. I'm not sure I have the heart to do it.

W is taking me to the mountains. He is my rock through these tough times. I love him more than you will ever know. I have now waited longer than my ex did to get his clearance and I know I have much longer to wait because my Bish hasn't even sent the papers in, he hasn't called M and he hasn't been my advocate to M's bishop. It's funny, I guess in the end I know that even being married to W for the short time that I have, a temple marriage isn't going to change just how wonderful that this has been for me, how wonderful it continues to be.

Can someone give me reason to keep trying, why be where you aren't wanted or needed. I have signed up to volunteer through the city, I am hoping that I can find purpose in serving others. Service is a way to get out of the pity party and if I have to serve outside the walls of my faith, I will.

I am sorry if I have offended some of you, I didn't mean to, but if there is someone in your ward and they are struggling, please reach out. It could mean a world of difference to them and it could be the very reason why they decide to try one more week. What I would give to feel like I belonged,like my being there mattered.