People

People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned. ~ James Baldwin

Things have happened this month, this week and last night that have weighed on my conscious so as to address them here and now in this blog. I am not sure who or how many people read this. I know, every now and then I will hear from you and my heart will realize that the words can sometimes matter. This entry has purpose however. It’s for the hearts of my children and for families everywhere who live each day with the remnants of the abuse they have endured.

I arrived home last night and was met by an eerie silence. The lights were on and the house was breathing but the sound of D was silently missing. As I hit the third floor landing I could hear the hushed tones of a conversation and the humming of a heartfelt thought. My D was on the phone and he was emotional. At first I thought he was in the midst of a breakup and my heart ached, I really like this new girlfriend. I slowly walked down the stairs and he just looked at me, his pain etched across his profile. I mouthed the questioning words of a breakup and he shook his head to the negative and waved me to leave. “I’ll tell you later”. I turned and felt my heart sink, he was hurting and the torch had passed.

A few moments later he ascended the stairs. There weren’t a lot of words. He confirmed it wasn’t a break up at all but a friend who had managed to open the door of the pain and heartache he had been holding inside for months. She had gotten him to talk and even though it wasn’t to me at least he was spilling and like a festering boil, the only way to ever heal is the painful necessity of opening the wound. He didn’t have to say another word, I could see it. He had begun to purge and you could see that his burden was getting lighter. How can I ever thank this young woman? She had done something many of us have been trying to do for some time. Thank-you E. I owe you.

Now to what I am on about; this is heavy…. Prepare yourself.

If you ever wondered if emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse leaves scars just look into the hearts, eyes and lives of those innocents who have been their victims. I live each day in the wonder, is this the day that it will rear its ugly head? Over and over again the results of the words, the sarcasms, the criticism, the jabs, the put downs are a part of every moment of our days. The ever present fears that rise just in the everyday patterns of living that can come and play havoc in our journey. For us; decisions that are so simple for most are usually burdened by doubt and indecision because we have suffered at abuses hand. Simple emotional tasks that are easy for most can sometimes feel unreachable and in the end we choose to ignore or simply forgot that we must decide. Everyday living is burdened by the effects of abuse at sometimes live can seem difficult and insurmountable.

If you think that fear will ever make a person better, please think again. I had heard once that fear was the Holy Ghost’s early warning sign of trouble ahead. I don’t recall a day without it. I shudder to think at the times I failed my children by not acting sooner and leaving earlier so that they could at least have a hope of being whole. As I see the results I know that what they endured, what we endured, will be a part of our patterns of living for the rest of our lives. But I see now that anything can be overcome, it is in the recognition of abuse's effects that you can heal and become whole again. Thus; my enduring gratitude to a young woman who was able to find a way for the door to open to healing.

Now some advice.

If you have a friend, or a family member who is currently suffering under the hands of abuse please do something. Reach out, try and if you are pushed away; no worries, your friend or family member will remember your offer when the fear is superseded by the need to get out. I am forever in the debt of my dear friend M who reached out and led me to believe that I didn’t need to suffer alone, that my kids and I needn’t suffer alone. I am grateful to a loving family who has supported and aided our journey as well. I am grateful for LDS Social services and for the others who taught the healing so necessary for my family and above all else I am grateful to the fortitude of my amazing children and their enduring spirits.

And now, a word to our abuser; your callous disregard continues and though you are not around to witness the results of your actions they are and continue to be very real. As all abusers deny culpability, in the end, you will feel the same pain that you have inflicted on so many others; that is God’s will.

I pass now on any further judgment but will continue in my resolve to be a better mother and caregiver to the truly “innocent” victims of your years of insensitivity and ternary. And to your assertion that I am the reason your children have nothing to do with you. Again, you alone are the master of that destiny. Your name rarely passes through our lives. Only when you re-enter to further your agenda of control do our lives ever include you . And as time passes, so does the pain subside of your insults and abuse.

Only you can heal yourself and find within that callous and heartless soul the desire to make amends to the lives you tried in vein to control and to ruin. Notice the word tried. I, no WE will not give you the power to ruin the rest of our lives. We will survive and we will break this cycle. And though what you did will always be a part of the formula of our lives it will not be the determining factor. That alone belongs to our Savior and to understanding of the atonement and it's great purpose in our lives.

Good luck and God speed. We are one and we are healing and we are continuing to be blessed.