This Above All

This above all:
To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

~ Hamlet, Shakespeare

How do you define integrity, is it to yourself, to others or in every aspect of who you are? I am learning the lessons of integrity. I am also learning to understand myself and my new found faith in things much broader and more universal than I ever imagined.

Incidents happen that jolt me and it is when this happens that I realize just how far I have come and how what used to be drama filled for me now has become a blip on the radar screen. It could and probably would be interpreted as "past feeling" but in every real way I am feeling more that I ever though possible.

It came to my attention this week that there are some who feel that my words are an attack against the church. It was funny, in my old life something like that would have thrown me for a loop but what I did was read back all my blog posts and really study what it is my words are saying. I can see on two instances where I did breach the doctrine and in both cases it was an emotional post. One, in being denied the cancellation and the second, in learning of the method of translation of the BOM. In all other cases my words attached the behavior of people.

So it is here I ask the question, is calling attention to the behavior of members attacking the church? My sista says in members eyes and hearts "yes".

So, my question then is, if someone treats someone horribly and the offended person speaks to it, in the mere vocalizing the pain this attacks all? I find that if the culture itself can excuse the behavior and hide behind the doctrine as excuse for accountability who then can make anyone accountable?

So my words are to blame for the ostracizing. OK, I am willing to own that, it's actually nice to know why but who owns the spiritual bullying? Is disagreeing with the way people treat each other worthy of shunning? I guess if you are Mormon, the answer would be yes.

I think it's deeper, I think it resides more in fear. That's my gut instinct here.

I find this is where I see integrity blur. If you follow the edicts of the Mormon faith then how do you reconcile the brutality of the culture against some people? If you have an answer let me know, oh wait, if I remember correctly its all about forgiveness not accountability. It is for me to have continued to endure Sunday's and continually seek a forgiving heart for those who PURPOSEFULLY set out to judge and hurt and not about a change in behavior, EVER.

Yup, I wanna be there for sure. The perfect storm happened. ow, when a member says the church doesn't currently practise polygamy I can't speak up and defend that statement false as I am currently in a polygamous marriage and have been denied the right to not be. By even writing the words I am anti and deserving of shunning. OK, I accept that, its the price I am willing to pay to be integral to my truth.

That's the definition of integrity - in accepting both good and bad to what we believe and if we can't then we must find our integrity. If it falls within the tenants of the Mormon faith I absolutely respect it. I am not about proving anyone wrong, that was and is not the intention of this blog. This blog is about my journey, my feelings, my life and when it's referenced to others as ANTI MORMON all I ask is that you have the integrity to call me so we can have a chat and I can explain that I have no offense to your truths, your beliefs and and your living of the Mormon faith then maybe we can find some resolution. What I ask is for the respect to see my life for what is now. Healed, strong and connected in every way to a GOD I very much believe in and to whom I trust LOVES everyone equally.

I am sorry that I have offended some of you, for doing so I apologise but I will not stop drawing attention to a culture that feels right with treating others disrespectfully if they differ or think differently. God judges, not a culture and when that is remembered you run into a Mormon so amazing you can't help but be impressed. I have met a few and for that reason I still have hope.

My sister in law is a perfect example.

So here is what I ask, instead of telling people I am ANTI MORMON call me so we can talk so you can really hear that I am not, that I respect faith and the living of it honorably. That's it, it's that easy. Oh wait, it's that easy if you want it to be.

To Matter

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and the ups and downs of the living of it. Most of the time I feel pretty good about it all but there is a certain time of year that seems to always have me realize a deeper hurt and chasm of pain. Oct and Nov are difficult and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why.

Mom passed on Oct 4 and it brings back a pain that only those that have lost their Mom's understand. The second is my birthday. I can say why but its mute in point. I thought this year would be different but it wasn't and it was hard and it made me think about what it takes to matter, to be the kind of person that people care enough to remember and to matter enough to well, I don't know, just matter I guess.

My Mom mattered and when I tried to remember what her 50th birthday was like, I couldn't remember but what I do know is that the gift I gave her was her first grand daughter K1. I remember her telling me what a great late present it was. She had flown into TO and K1 wasn't in a hurry.

As i was in the midst of a self indulged pity party I started to think that maybe mattering is something that happens by simple and long running acts of caring and that it happens when the people you love start to understand because they have others in their lives who may not be making them matter. Mom used to say that your daughters/son will learn a new way of loving you when they have their own children, that has proven true.

So, what am I on about. 50 came and went - some remembered, some didn't and some redeemed themselves. With everything that is going wrong in my life I took it far to personally and I need to focus more on NOW and get through the difficult stuff like work and losing my faith and focus on getting to the point of mattering because if I wasn't there I would be missed.

That takes time and I have time. Time to love my kids even more unconditionally, to care even more about those precious grand babies and start trying to re-establish faith again and quit mourning the faith that didn't really care that much about me in the first place.

At the end of the day, everyone yearns to matter in the lives of others. I have learned to matter we need to be proactive. to make a difference in the lives of those we love by caring and eventually you will matter.... eventually you will.

 

M - R - J Oct 14 - 2011

My BBG # 3 asked the other day why I hadn't blogged about this precious little guy. I had and have a dozen times and every time I think I have it right I reread it and it just isn't. I don't know how to pen the way I feel about this little man and about being there the very moment he look his first breath. How can I, it was, for me, the most live changing thing I have been through in such a very long time.

BBG, my Mom and I talked about those moments. We talked about what it was like for her as I struggled through each pregnancy and birth and how helpless she felt. How I felt that day, that night and that morning as I watched you struggle and suffer and realised the moment you loved in a way you had never felt before.
I can't describe how I felt as M slept on the couch and you rested as the Dr provided the needed relief. You were laying there and the monitor was going and M's heart beat was beating over and over and there I was about to see the little man who was changing all of our lives for the better. It was just about then that you woke in such agony and pain, your epidural had gone dry.  I went out and asked for help and everyone was busy attending another woman's moment and as I felt helpless I felt her, I felt her like when I was walking with little C and she guided me to know exactly what to do and exactly what to say.
Did you know she was there, holding his hand as he readied to meet you.
That's why I haven't been able to blog about it sweetie, because from that moment until about a hour after M joined us she was there, she knew I needed her and she knew you did too. It is a moment in my life that I will cherish.

I will forever remember the gift little M brought that day.

Time, time with my Mom.

Dear God;

When my children were little I used to play on the piano a primary song that began with the simple phrase,

"Heavenly Father, are you really there?"

I was always surprised because for me, you always were. I have always had the faith in a greater being, in a God, who loved me and loved families and sent me to this amazing place. I have always felt lucky and incredibly blessed to belong to such an awesome family and extended group of beautiful, strong and hardworking women. My father, my Grandpa P and L, all of the men were strong and good examples as well. The only issue was that they weren't a part of a religion that I was. My mother taught me early on that it didn't matter, that it would all work out. That bode against what I was being taught  in church which was it wouldn't be, that they were lost because they had the truth exposed to them and they turned their backs. That didn't seem right either but nothing ever makes sense in the deeper doctrines because opinions wreck such havoc on them.

So why I am addressing You today God? Because of something my sister said today, my beautiful, smart, incredible sister. She attended the party I couldn't bring myself to go to and was asked, "Is S happy?" and she told me how she responded.

It made me think about everything that has never made sense to me when it came to being Momo and then it was like the light switch flicked on.

So what did she say?

She said that for all the years she has known me, 50 to be exact, she had never seen me happier. That's it, that's all because M isn't one to waste her words. She spoke everything I have felt, feel and hope. I am happier and more content and stronger and I wouldn't be here if I would have ever accepted the status quo of my past life.

So God, I don't think anymore it's all about absolutes. I think you love EVERYONE and not one faith has all the answers or rights to be with you. I am free of the prejudice of a faith that prides itself in being the ONLY true faith because I now know that there are so many other faiths and beliefs that bring all to You.

There won't be another faith for me, just a belief, a strong knowledge of YOUR unconditional love for me and for ALL people and things and so on in the beautiful world you have so graciously afforded me and all the others who have and will inhabit it.

For this last year I have grown and learned and expanded all that I know and I AM, TRULY AM, happier than I have ever been.

I have a great Life, hard sometimes but great.

Thank you Dear God, Thank you. Oh, and BTW - thanks for an amazing sista, and hold her close, she deserves it!

Temples Refined

When I get stressed and need those aha moments that make a deeper and more significant perspective come into play with me I head west and straight north to my favorite road - The Spray Lakes Trail. A logging road that winds it way through some of the most beautiful scenery you will ever see. It closes in a few weeks and I just wanted one more drive, to rethink, to destress and to know. When you are up there and you look in all directions you are absolutely reminded that there is a GOD and that he loves you. He/She gave us one hell of a playground to remind us of just how much we are loved.

Now it's about waiting a full 6 months for the playground to open again. Yikes that's a long wait.

And it All Came A Crumbling Down

Wow, life is hard sometimes and sometimes right when you can't afford it to happen, it implodes. You are not sure what the next best step is so you blindly move forward with a new found faith in yourself and the God you have so eloquently redefined into a broader and more accepting Deity. You move on with grace, you know the grace, the one barely spoken of in the religion of the 49 years of the beginning of your life. Oh yeah, and then the works part, the one that says all those road bumps has purpose but until you fix that damn road the journey you are on is always going to get you heart sick. This is where I turn myself into a road crew and figure out how to make it all smooth again.

I like smooth.

This last week was the week from hell. I made it through and I am not quite sure how but I did.

I'm okay, I really am OK.

My road took a bit of a detour - self imposed and now I am getting back on track. I managed to cut through some serious rock face and make it to the foothills again, I'll be back on my rolling prairie hills soon cus that flat like Sask road is to damn boring for me.

Have some work to do, some playing to do, some sadness to work through as a BBG left the nest and I am going to miss her and then I might do some cleaning so Grandpa doesn't have to share his room with all of my junk.

Damn life can be crazy sometimes, it's all worth it though, it's all worth it.

Lord, Grant me.....

I hate pity parties, I hate them. I am struggling, big time and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Even a weekend in Banff didn't cure the heartache and I just want to crawl under a rock.

I am tired and I want relief.

I hope that the sun shines for me again. I am happy, please don't think that I am not I am just tired of having to rise above judgment.

So, when it gets this bad, I start my days with the simple prayer, you know the one, Lord, grant me the serenity.....

...... what I need to remember is that as bad as I think I have it, there are others whose lives have far greater hardships, when I remember this I find the strength to buck up, I am bucking up.

A Transforming Heart

Two little men changed me. Little C and now, Little M. How do describe this feeling of being owned entirely in your heart by two little guys. They came in slowly and it happened, that same moment I laid eyes on each one, that calmness; a serenity of sorts that says everything you worked through, all those years of raising your kids and the ball is passed and you see it and you see that it's okay. It's all going to be okay.

I love my children so much and after going through K3's labor with her I was so proud of her strength and her fortitude. Witnessing birth from that different vantage point was paradigm shifting. I love what my girls are becoming. Seeing Aunt K3 and Uncle Boo and what these little men have transformed us into makes me know the healing is complete. Our Family is growing in such a beautiful way. 

What's a Girl to Do.

I feel like crying, more than I should at this time for more reasons than I choose to mention. I hate conundrums and I hate indecision because most of all I OVER ANALYZE everything and get caught up in an emotional loop that never ever ever ends well.

Two things.

Firstly - a new boss who we will say is not like the new old boss. I thought long and hard before I changed jobs in my new company but I knew that as hard as I worked I was not ever going to be able to ever change the mind of the senior bosses to my value to that team. I had too many obstacles to hurdle to changes minds that were preset. A new job came forward with a manager I great admired, working with a team that had a great reputation. I applied, I went through the interview process and then got the new job... for six months in heaven. I was part of a productive hard working team and felt appreciated for the first time in nearly 4 years.

A shift in boundaries resulted in a change of management. A new boss. It has been very different. The team remains hard working and productive yet now, it seems unappreciated. I feel like I am stepping back in time and the hardship of carrying the animosity of a negative workplace is back home again. I am drowning in over analyzing of what I can do to make this boss see that I do try, that I am good at what I do. Those that have seen the difference tell me the issues aren't mine to own. The management style is different and the skills in the process of learning. I hate being in this position. It is so hard to want to be there everyday.

Second - A call from K my sister-in-law. It's about a party, a shared birthday with a brother who refuses to acknowledge me and a request. A night shared; a story about said brother, and partying with all the "friends" from church who I haven't heard from in almost a year. It was left in a message at work. It was hard to hear. What do I do?

CRY!

I have no idea how to make my life find a path that isn't riddled with the pain that comes from the judgment around me. I live in the moment and hope for the peace promised to those that do, but there are times when I feel I can never escape my own insecurities.

Time to buck up and meet the challenges of the days.

Wish me luck that I can make the right choices and rise above my own fears.

The Act of Gratitude

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

It was just about a year ago today that my world curved. Today I say grace for those who have stood by and for whom my words, my thoughts and my actions pass. I may not have an abundance of friends but those I do have both in my family and out matter so much to me. I am forever grateful for the sifting of my life and for what was left over I am truly blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Now, we go enjoy the day!