Courage

People define things so differently. Today, while volunteering I learned a lesson without even purposely trying. Let me explain. IZ has trouble understanding how some words connect to others and we talk about the meanings these connections give to words that can most definitely make them different from each other.

Now, how that circumstance gave me pause and created another "aha" moment.

Here is what I am on about.
I read an email that called into question the courage one of my children was exercising. The words were something to the effect that it took courage to follow the doctrines of the church and that this child simply hadn't any or at least was failing himself. Oops, that gave who away.

At first reading I was ANGRY but the wonderful thing about movement to indifference to my feelings about the author of the email is that I quickly calmed myself and and realized that in the very defining of courage two people may see a similar situation or circumstance completely different. Though some may call a young man's movement away from the church as a lack of courage others may see it as courage.

D has struggled enormously with the abandonment of his father. Details won't matter but it hasn't been easy. I would never call D's actions a lack of courage but more a result of disappointment and enlightenment. Calling it out as this author did only made D's disappointment worse and can be used as reason to never look again at a religion that would call itself ahead of family relationships especially since it is supposed to be so family centered.

It also calls into question the courage or lack thereof of someone who constantly defaults to a religion as excuse for abuse or dysfunctional parenting. Faith should never be reason or excuse for inflicting emotional harm or result in the dysfunction in parenting of a child. This mantra is part of a very broken record repeated and repeated never to be heard.

Our examples, whether good or bad to others has an effect on the belief or lack thereof in so much of the lives we live. I see people all the time; I have been personally hurt by these individuals utilizing the name of the Mormon church in their actions. I know many that cringe at it and yet, time and time again it happens to the point where some people walk away and find a truth, or at least a different truth for themselves.

How I wish I could lash out not just at the person but the many who use a passive aggressive stand to control or manipulate the lives of people they swear they love.


To the author of the email;

Your son is anything but a coward. Of course he is different then you, Thank GOD! If you spent more time in unconditional connections instead of passing judgment you might find that he is one hell of an amazing human being and BTW, some of the most incredible men I know who treat their families and their fellow human beings better than you did or will, did not, as you wrote, have the courage to follow the doctrines and serve.

I can't address this to you specifically - you walked away from any kind of parenting years ago and since the "righteous" man that you are can't even grasp the concept of co-parenting or even financial child support why don't you turn your criticism elsewhere and let you son continue to grow and find strength in spite of you.

You'd be surprised to know that we are a great family that has found peace, unconditional love and acceptance and moved on with great courage and strength without you. You have great kids and if you can't see that; leave them alone. I am personally tired of picking up the emotional pieces you intrusions can cause.

I am done venting and I won't make apologies nor will I remove the post, this is our lives and hiding it isn't productive to anyone.

Important Things I Believe and Hope My Grandchildren learn.

I was thinking the other day that in just over 2 weeks I am going to be a full fledged Grandma. Every time I think about it my heart soars with excitement. I can't even describe it. So, these last few days I have wondered, what would be the important things I would want my grandchildren to be taught.
I am actually writing a blog for them and now, it so hard to literally express my hopes and desires for my new grandchildren. Well; today on a forum I love, someone wrote exactly my hopes, and I was inspired.

Here it goes.

I hope my daughters/son teach my grandchildren to trust the light inside them. There is a Mormon scripture: "put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good". There is a light that will let them know, beyond a doubt, which direction is best for them. I hope my grandchildren will learn about it and learn to use it. It matters not how it is taught, it doesn't matter to me; just that they know.

I want them to understand the importance of emotional and intellectual honesty. Their parents come from a very broken home and when the time is right and the lessons of "how not to do it" become clear, I hope they utilize those lessons and break the cycle. The hardest thing to do in life is to admit you are wrong or to see through strong emotions with reality. I think my children know and understand this above almost every average person. Loving truth makes for a healthy life, just be careful when expressed that it comes from good faith and not a need to be right. That's the balance.


I hope they teach my grandchildren about their inner songs and why their hearts will soar in places and times and in moments through out their lives. Nature, people.... all of it serves such a profound purpose in our lives and knowing the reasons can free your soul and open your heart so infinite possibilities of happiness can come into your lives.

I hope that my kids teach their children to love reading, writing, and arithmetic. That embracing learning only enhances living. Never be afraid of learning and NEVER let anyone shut out truth. I learned the hard way that life can be wasted when mental doors are shut.

I want my grandchildren to understand the power of kindness, compassion and caring. Love first, care first, share and give because like great Grandma Lloyd said, "it's never wrong to be a giver". Protect the weak, the vulnerable, the pained. All children are inherently blessed with extremely kind hearts, I hope my children nourish these and allow them to develop the compassion that will change the world.

I know there will be those that will criticize my hopes for my children and grandchildren. I can't and won't demand the teaching of a religion so responsible for so much pain. I do hope that my kids will find the good that was amongst the difficult and find a way to teach my grand babies concepts like how God (a higher power) really did give us the Son/sun and moon and the hope and that being kind does make people smile.

Under it all is the belief that in my children is a song so deep and so strong that as difficult as it can be, being a part of me will some day be seen as a good thing. My Mom didn't go to any extreme to be loved, she just gave unconditional love, always. That's the secret; the source of family. If my children can take her example and live it, they will succeed and their children will be blessed.

I have no fear for my grand kids because of the parent they have in my own child.

Finding Purpose

So the wonderful thing about floundering is the finally finding your purpose again. What I have always known is the church fills your time so you have no time left. When you fall down the social ladder or for that matter get right off you can be left with a bit of time.

What do you do with that spare time?

You find purpose.

I knew what was coming quite some time back and started on the process of being accepted to the "Reading Advantage" program with the Calgary Public Library. All I can say is I feel more fulfilled, more needed, more in sync with my internal song and I am feeling hopeful. Serving outside of the faith is so different. I can't explain fully why excepting it feels like you're reaching beyond your comfort zone and making a difference beyond a world you have always known.  Service is actually redefined.

I am working with a wonderful woman from Japan whose goal is to be able to understand and function in English completely by the time her daughter reaches elementary school. Her daughter is 2. We are reading award winning children's literature, filling out day to day evaluation forms and school papers, practising conversations about poor service and working with the public. I am seeing the world in such a different way, a way that is making me grow. I am finally moving forward in such a profound way.

Service is so redefined for me now. It means more than teaching YW's or primary, compassionate service or working at the "Drop In Center". There is a whole world out there in need, beyond the walls of faith and I am becoming a part of it.

I would have never reached beyond the limits of my past had I not stepped away. For this experience alone, it was and continues to be worth it.

28 Years and Counting

It seems like yesterday and it's not. They say time flies and to me it has evaporated. August 8th marks much more than just a birthday but the start of one of the most extraordinary journeys any woman can undertake. Almost to this moment 28 years ago I was more afraid and more excited than at any other moment in my life. I was alone, I was praying and just outside my door my own mother and father were as afraid as I was.

I can't even begin to express the joy of the moment my first showed her beautiful face. I can't describe the pain or the anxiousness I felt but what I can say is that at that moment I knew what it meant to love someone more than myself. I knew what unselfishness finally meant and I was finally a role that defined so many more generations of women in my family.

My mother came in and held her, with tears, and began to tell me of the triumph and tragedy that this journey would be. Her tears flowing down her face as she expressed just how grateful that she was a she. I would have a friend for the rest of my life. How lucky am I to have been blessed three more times.

28 years ago today I was changed to my core and I am so grateful for that change.

I am who I am today because of that moment.

I am a mother.

Thank you K for giving me such a wonderful gift. Thank you for always being so wonderful and for forgiving me for not always being that.

I feel Mom now all the time as she helps me prepare for my new role, that of Grandma. How lucky am I to being given that.

Happy Birthday K and thank-you, thank-you so much. You have given me so much to be grateful for, so much to be proud of and I want you to know how happy I am for you and for the journey you are about to begin. Your baby will be loved, cherished and cared for in the tradition of amazing woman.  I have no fears for my new grandchild because you will be it's mother.

Life is a circle and I am so much in gratitude for my part in it.

Mountains Calling

It's wonderful to climb the liquid mountains of the sky. Behind me and before me is God and I have no fears. ~ Helen Keller

Today, W and I were feeling a song calling. The wonderful thing about where we live is that we live in close proximity to the mountains and to a sense of peace that comes over us when we are there. Whether we go south to Waterton, west to Kananaskis or Banff or northwest to Jasper tose mountains are majestic and place us in perspective to our journeys.

I try to find new places to photograph, new visions to explore.

Enjoy!



Peace and Other Misnomers

It is late and I may not make any sense but I have felt strongly that I need to clarify that though at times I may sound angry here I am VENTING and because of that I may offend people. For that I am sorry.

There has been so much water under the bridge of my life. Sometimes the water has left scars and changed the topography of my journey and as I move forward I sometimes veer off and find myself floundering. I make quick corrections and it helps and then I smile.

I am smiling now.

Peace is something that is intoxicating. I find it more now than I ever have. It reaches into my heart the very moment I think twice about this journey I am on and levels my anxiety.

What you all need to understand is that I am, above all, a freakin mother grizzly bear and when it comes to my kids never question it. I am also my husbands wife and I love him more than life itself, he too has my support. I understand family now more than ever. I get it.

A few weeks back, on one of my camera adventures, we came across a once in a lifetime experience. As I watched this beautiful animal mother her cubs I finally got the saying about "mother bears". Life has so much that makes twists and turns happen unexpectantly. I have had my fair share these last few years. The one thing that remains constant are the roles I love so much; wife, mother. That hasn't changed for me, it never will.

So, if my words are offensive, I am sorry. My hope is that at some point, these words will matter and make a difference to the lives of those who make my roles matter. Life has changed me, it has brought a whole new truth and wisdom, one I am unafraid of. Fear is something that has essentially disappeared from my life. It is, as so eloquently worded, a wonderful life.

MoHo's

The other day I was with someone who was grilling me for the reasons why I left the church. Not in a bad way or even in making me justify the position but definitely in a way that demanded some reasonable explanation. We spoke for a long time and went back a few more times. I can't say whether my explanation of my issues would ever good enough for their acceptance but the wonderful truth of it is that it doesn't matter, it's my truth to own.

What happened though was the feelings, the old hard hurt feelings, and the unreasonable behavior that my family endured through and allowed without voicing a stronger and more verbal way to try and stop it seeped forward and I got angry all over again. There have been days when I just have wanted to list them, one after another, and ask; "would you stay"? Would you want to be there?

Then it happened, even though this particular issue wasn't spoken about, as my company was all sleeping through the bliss of the Trans Canada Highway through the Canadian Rockies, I started mulling over all we had gone through and I began to I fell vindicated. I felt at peace because this one issue alone was more than any family should have had to bare and we bore it through all four of my children.

What am I on about?

Let me tell you one part of our story.

There was a time in our history when the wonderful young people of the Calgary Alberta South stake had decided to nick name my oldest daughter, it became the standing joke as as she walked the hallways of her high school, stood in the foyer of our home ward. If there was a young Mormon near her then this most endearing term would be blurted out.

"Mormon Whore"

They said it in seminary where the seminary teacher - Brother Mandin - heard it and did nothing, parents of the worst offenders laughed and said my daughter needed to grow a thicker skin and it just never ended. No wonder she has no warm and fuzzy feelings about church.

Enter daughter 2 to the blessed high school with the first full time seminary and the cruelness that kept coming at us. It started out as "sister of the Mormon whore" and then the "sister" part was dropped. K2 was smarter - she literally had nothing to do with the Mormons but that didn't stop Brother Mandin from focusing in on her and perpetrating the label even more. Even with the limited amount of exposure to the Mormon youth those lovely "warriors of the last days" still taunted and haunted my daughters. 6 young women decided in their pursuit of the values of the young women program ( sarcasms here) to place a large sign on our front garage proclaiming the label. In this whole process it was the only time I saw a heart when our Bishop came to the house, saw the sign, and wept. Openly wept at the unjustified hostility. Just a few months later, she left too.

K3 was the third to have the title trust on her. She didn't have a chance. The label was there. She never bothered with seminary. Why would she, it wasn't a haven or refuge of peace. They was no unbiased, kind and compassionate seminary teacher there. It didn't matter who or what she did, there wasn't kindness or compassion available anywhere where Mormons were. I think by this time her Dad and I had split and the pain of his telling them daily of deserving the tile was gone. It didn't however stop the hostility and cruelty by youth that somehow were missing the point of all those lessons they were having at church.

D entered in Grade 12 having spent the first 2 years clear of the Beaverbrook environment. He wasn't there a minute before the label reared it's ugly head. This time however, there was a new seminary teacher. The horrible behavior only existed outside of the seminary building and for that I was grateful. What remained though was a group of kids with egos the size of elephants who let only the elect into the inner circle, it was a no brainer what was going to happen.

I have often wondered if I had been more vocal, more outspoken, even stronger would it have changed things. What is it about us that makes it right for others to treat us so badly? Where does anyone who claims to be LDS get off thinking it's okay to say things or address someone so abusively?

There I was, winding through the most beautiful country thinking through what could have been and then it hit me. All of that resentment, all of the hurt and pain really was such a waste of time. Why did I ever give power to such horrible people.

So fast forward a few weeks of sitting on this post. I was walking through the Costco parking lot, I am not sure why Costco is sanomoius to Mormons but it is for me and I got angry all over again. Is this what makes my favorite Talk show host on XM radio so vocal of the bully who terrified her all trough high school? Is this what makes people NEVER look back and ever want anything to do with their pasts. I get invited to Mormon weddings and mission farewells and homecomings and I never go, never. Why would I ever want to expose myself to the mentality of spiritual bullies.

I wonder in those ward meetings when they talk about in actives is the very members sitting in those meetings behavior ever called into question. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't be angry and I won't be hurt?

Lessons from the Momma Bird.

We have a bird's nest in the tree that is near are deck. It's a Robin's nest. It rests about 5 feet above our deck table and is, to say the least, beautiful. I knew we must have had a nest close as the two robins were around a lot but felt it was in the dense inner side of the large cedar bush. When W found it we thought just how lucky we were to have this in such close proximity. It was an omen of good luck.

Through out the weekend I painfully tried to catch a shot of the mom/dad hovering over the nest and in my patience I learned a life lesson from these tiny creatures and their parenting. It was, as I said, beautiful.


The nest is accessible, we can hear the little ones but they are still too small to see. The parents are skittish and when they see us watching them they fly away. They leave the nest, taking the attention away from the little ones and squawk, to the moon, to draw our attention away.

Mom and Dad tag team. That is so amazing to watch. Dad/Mom will rest on the power line while the other stays at the nest. Whoever is away will then search for food and when found will fly to the fence, make some noise and they will switch. There's no specific roles to follow, both working together as they raise they babies to flight.


As I watched these beautiful creatures and as they began to realize we weren't a threat I studied their movements mostly so that I could catch a picture. I soon started to realize that parenting, that mothering, whether done by humans or animals in most respects includes instinctual habits. These parents were protective, were stellar in their providing for the needs and in there way of trying in every way they can to keep the little ones safe. Is that any different than you and I as parents.

At some point, Mother and Father bird will be having to teach these babies to fly. This is where I say, as much as I miss her, I am glad Ping has passed. Hopefully Missy and Stano will be leaving them alone as well.


I can feel myself shifting back to stability again. I am searching for the truths found so much around me. Life has so many great lessons just waiting to be had.

The journey is just so wonderful, keeping focused on that will help.

So... added post note. This morning we realized Mom and Dad had been MIA for a few days. It appears the magpies were able to get to the nest. My heart hurts. Is this how all the Mom's in Oslo feel, how the country of Norway feels? Life is riddled with danger and just has the owl that killed Rocky was only doing what owls do somehow it feels empty somehow. I hate predators but understand they are all part of the plan. It just sucks!

Initiations

We woke up this morning to a sea of white. In defense of that statement, K2 did wake us up when she got in at 3AM to tell us something but W and I were so asleep we just agreed and fell back asleep. So, at 8 AM the puppies started to bark, I moved and found D and his friend T cleaning up the front yard.

I knew that this would be an inevitable outcome of his association to his band. It's a frosh initiations and happens to every first year member. They have a great rule, an unofficial rule, that if parents help clean up the mess the senior members will return and do it all over again. I LOVE THAT RULE!

It was interesting, as I saw what was really one of the best TPing jobs ever it brought back a flood of not so good memories. The time when our house came under attack for a number of years. If only it was TP'ing that would have been fine but it was accompanied by egging and traffic signs and Salvation Army donations strewn across the lawn. The motivation for that frivolity was not welcoming but hatred, resentment and jealousy. There was a significant difference between this TP job and those done at the Lake Bonaventure house.

I wonder how those kids feel now, over 10 years later about the acts of vandalism they perpetrated on our home. Every Sunday, after the Saturday night dance, we would go out as a family and clean the dried eggs off our home, even in -30c weather and then watch these same young men who did it bless our sacrament. It became increasingly harder and harder to not hate through this. Even to this day, apologies have NEVER come forth. Did they ever wonder if they crossed the line? Did they ever wonder why we were hurt? I mean, we welcomed them time and time again to use our backyard and they came and then we were rewarded with the acts of hatred almost every weekend for over 5-7 years. It became a nightmare, it became a way of life for us. As much as we tried to rise above it, it seemed to never end until we moved. The Bishop suggested we put into the stake bulletin that we were moving so that the kids could have a heads up so as to not do it to the new owners, he thought he was funny when he said it, I was just sad.

As I walked around this morning I was instantly struck by the difference. Before, it was about the intent. There was never concern for the property or the outcome. It was meant to be an act of feelings. Here, today, it was about welcoming. A strong and dedicated group of kids who wanted D to be one of them. You saw it most at the Grand baby garden where they could have damaged it so easily. In their haste, they could have pulled the fragile flowers out of their newly found roots and yet, they gently laid the toilet paper around the flowers and though it was, for sure, the best TP job I have seen in a very long time it was done gently and out of respect.

I think that's what the Momo kids lacked, RESPECT. I wonder if they have any now?

Frogs and Scorpions

One day, a scorpion looked around and decided that he wanted a change. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river. The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. "Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?" But knowing all about scorpions, the frog said, "If I let you on my back, you will sting me and kill me!" The scorpion argued, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!" Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. "Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN sting me & kill me?" said the frog. "Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!" So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws sticking into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current. Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs. "You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?" The scorpion shrugged, "I could not help myself. I'm a scorpion, it is my nature." Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river. ~Aesop