Choices

Blogs and their purpose. I seriously had an AHA moment yesterday and nearly, really close I have to say, dropped this blogging thing all together.

It's been a long time since I have been in a situation where I was mocked or made fun of in front of myself. I hate that when it happens, I remember long ago, when I was YW president, one of the Laurels and her NM visiting friend openly made fun of two of the other girls in a way that only they would know. It was obvious enough to make quite a few people uncomfortable but I do remember saying that words can hurt so we should mind them. It wasn't until later I realized that those words were intended for my own daughter.

Yesterday we had our Christmas social for our group at work. A hard working group of young to middle young people and me and G - the old farts edging ourselves to retirement. I am jealous because G is actually counting down. I have been having issues with my new manager. I will say that he is nothing like my old one and it will have to suffice.

I realize this blog is a public forum, I have thought hard about privatizing it and for a number of reasons I have chosen otherwise. I understand because it is a public blog I need to be mindful, thus the letters for names and the mostly "step back" ( I have to admit I can sometimes step beyond the limits) attitude.

THIS BLOG IS FOR MY CHILDREN!

On my book shelf is a book created by my brother from the journals of a great aunt suffering from an unknown diagnosis who travels to Turkey on the orient express in the late 1800's. I also have the journals of other family members lovingly reproduced by other relatives. I come from a long line of writers who spoke to their journeys, spoke about hardships, happiness and growth. This time, this is the medium, this is the portal for my words and later, when I am gone, it is my hope that my words will matter.

So what am I on about?

I ended up across the table from the bain of my existence, my new manager. He is uncommunicative, hard to get to know, and well, in consideration of what is going to follow I will stop there.

We we having one of the short interchanges and a comment was made about blogging; a kind of "heads-up" comment. It came out of nowhere and was left dangling because right at that moment I realized that maybe this blog has been accessed by some I had least expected ever would.

My FAULT!

The part that got me was the mocking, like it was some kind of trailer trash thing to do. That hurt.

I am still processing it though.

I have literally become non existent on FB because a co-worker took advantage of it and threw me under a bus and now, every social conscious I have wants to shut this down as well but this is how I communicate, this is what I do do work through and discover truths, ways to cope and manage the heart and head of a growing journey. This is my "journey journal" written entirely for posterity.

I hate critics, I hate haters. I have to think this through.

I may be out of action for a while.

Day 2 - 2012

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”

I love New Year's. Not the night or the parties but the concept of a beginning of a new year and a new start. This year seems different and I am not sure why. I am hoping it's because I have entered the second trimester of healing according to Dr. W. She spoke of the three terms of healing that coincide with the length of your marriage. The second trimester is for indifference and healing relationships. I can't for the life of me see a circumstance where M and I would ever converse but I know that now all I feel for him his indifference and maybe a bit of pity. (yikes, I really penned that).

I can't imagine living without the voices of my children or grandchildren in my life. Of only seeing them through borrowed pictures. I know that there was a time when my children have, each of them, distanced themselves from me and even me from them but nothing would impede me from resolution. Forgiveness, as difficult a journey as ever I have been on is so worth it. I understand the concept of autonomy and decision making for adults (thank-you MOM) and my children our amazing human beings making individual choices. God loves them and it isn't any one's right, including their father's to impose judgement. It's in the judging that M loses his kids. My children have no idea where he even lives right now. I have decided to step away from it all. As adults my children make their own decisions, they have been for many years. I have been accused of influencing those decisions but anyone who knows my children knows that statement couldn't be farther from the truth. I have fiercely independent kids who value choice as for many years they weren't allowed to have that privilege.

So, though I may not always agree with my children's paths what I do agree with is that we all have the right to choose our own journey and with that right we must all accept the consequences of the paths we choose. My children understand that and stepping back and just reviewing who they have become I feel so strongly in praising them because they have done so well in spite of the challenges they have already faced in such young lives.

*side note - the following paragraphs have come to my attention as sounding angry - sorry for that. When it comes to my kids I can become a bit of a momma bear and that may be what you read here. My feelings for M are mostly indifference. He abandoned his role long ago and I held a lot of resentment at first when the entire responsibility for the kids - financial and all - ended up on my shoulders and yet I was being portrayed as this horrible person. FOR THE MOST PART I am over it. The following was originally a blog post all unto itself. Mostly, what this is now is just a heads up to M to maybe have him understand what he could do to remedy his relationships with his kids. The words came off bitchy, I am sorry for that.

So a bit of a heads up to M who I understand checks in here for news of his family. Her name is Kienna, it's by her permission the full name is even on this blog post. It's not Karalyn anymore, it hasn't been for a number of years. She can and does address the reasons for the name change and as an adult it is her choice to do so. The fact you refuse to address her by this name is one of the major reasons you have distanced yourself from your children. Had you understood the plan of salvation nearly as well as your perceived notion of an individual omnipotent belief in your own priesthood you might have a relationship with her, your other children and your grandchildren. I have really tried to understand the part of the gospel that gives you a belief in control over  every one's life, I think now that somewhere a long the line you twisted the very plan of salvation into your own personal view of priesthood power. The Dr's spoke of narcissism and the weakness the gospel can have in allowing men to become exuberant in it. Our live together is long over, thank GOD and I know that somewhere down the road you will have to come to terms with a resolution to the damage you inflicted on all of us. I won't define my life by the pain any more but by the hope I feel each day. I only hope that someday the empty words of " I am sorry you feel that I hurt you" can someday be replaced by the full words of "I am truly sorry" so you can feel the love these children and grandchildren are capable of. Those words "I am sorry" without conditions are liberating, you should try it sometime.

This is a new year, a new beginning. I love new beginnings.

To a Year!

It's been a year, and when I think about it I can scarcely think that it has gone by so fast. Last new year's eve, all I could feel is heartache and loss. Every Scotsman's blood running through me dreaded that what happened was an omen to what 2011 would bring. Rocky has been gone a year and so much right has come that I have had to completely rethink that omen.

Every Christmas season the letters come, you know the ones. Some full of the lives of your friends, the "Cleavers", you know the family - the perfect family, then there's the ones from the "Cranks", full of the struggles and pains. I have often thought what a letter from our household would say. For quite a few years my sister and I would sit and crack ourselves up with what it would say. I think we laughed because in reality the pain was just so painful.

So I could write all about the great things that have happened through the year but all I am going to say is check the side of the blog and read whatever grabs your attention. The levels of this year have been less intense but there and mostly it's been good, great in fact. Ending with the births of my two loves, M and C. Mothers came through with flying colors and Dad's are good too. K2 and D are happy, healthy and loving life - all of those babies of mine are making me very proud.

W and I joke about the honeymoon being over but what it has become is a great relationship. He is my BEST FRIEND and we laugh, love and share our lives. We are going on a cruise in April, a great pic adventure. I look forward to so many travels with that man. He has redefined so much for me and when life gets tough he gets to a place where he lifts me and I can't tell you just how much it means to be supported. I have no idea where I would be without him, he is a blessing in my life.

So here is my hope for 2012.

First that if it is the end of the world year - at least I want and will have another great and fulfilling year. Freedom from constraints and having an open mind has been so good for me. I have no worries over this because even if it is, God and I are on good terms.

Building on my social circle - finding new friends not confined to faith and reestablishing those friendships that were constrained by faith before. Love meeting new people and this new life affords so many new possibilities.

My new years resolution - Making sure that I bring good energy when I enter rooms. This will be tough, I can sometimes be a Debbie downer so I have promised myself to see the positive of everything first, as best I can and become that person who doesn't complain.

Continuing to build a repaired and happy family and loss the past completely. I care sometimes about it and it needs to be forgotten. It happened, it's over and even though it still is a part of us it can be put aside and should be.

Hopefully find some kind of resolution for the temple cancellation that doesn't involve completely walking away. This is going to take courage and I will work on it.

House train Missy - this may be the toughest quest of all for 2012. Wish us luck.

The Gift of a Voice



Tonight, we shared our holiday with family. It was a lovely evening. The food was wonderful, the company even more delightful and when it was done and we were all sitting around, conversing over the advantages to capitalism verses socialism I edged my way over to another side of the room.

They was my beautiful niece, achin over the loss of our mother/grandmother. This is the time of year when we miss her most. The conversation moved along to the memories, the times we miss the most, things she did or said that were so funny.

The M asked if we wanted to hear her voice. I forgot we had that. K1 said yes and then it happened. M pushed the play button and there it was, her voice. She was describing her life, her history, her parents and grandparents. It was as if she was in the room sharing her life with all of us. She was every bit there and she was felt.

She would have loved the evening. SHe would have loved that we were together and that we were celebrating Christmas.

Her voice was a gift  A Christmas gift.

Thanks M. Thank-you!

Christmas Eve!

 

"Love so easily understands what you can see is the smallest part;

you don't need Christmas in your hands when you have Christmas in your heart."

~ Anonymous

It's 7:30 Am and the house is somewhat still. I can hear D's movie looping in the basement on his supersonic audio set up and I just moved A up to Grandpa's room so I can type without bothering him, the puppies are back in the kennel as they had quite the night and I am happier and more content in the role I take the greatest pride in, that of a homemaker.

I love my family, all of them, warts and all in a way that can only be described as obsessive. I am their warrior, their siren song and this time of year they are my hope and salvation. I love the clutter and the mess and I love all of them sooo much.

As GL used to say - we put the FUN in dysFUNction. Would you want it any other way!

Merry Christmas Everyone!





Define Crazy

“Sometimes it's to your advantage

for people to think you're crazy”

~ Thelonious Monk

What I would give for one take back. For a chance to take back time and change one act, one moment so that the exposed nerve never resurfaced ever again. What is it? It's the time in my life I caved, I checked out because I was helpless and couldn't think of a way to surface, to breath and to take back the happiness I and my kids deserved. Too many people suffered, too many people hurt.

I remember the choice, I remember thinking if I just checked out it might just all go away. Here's a little tid bit for those contemplating checking out. All the crap you think will disappear because you are ignoring it just gets worse, really, really bad, because unlike a plant that when no one nourishes it dies, dysfunction thrives on avoidance.

So, today the word "crazy" came out again. One, that when I use it feels harmless but when others use it to refer to me brings back so many bad memories I can't even describe the ache.

I was told that no one could have survived unscathed from the dysfunction of my past life. My Dr told me that I used the caving as a coping mechanism and that in time those that I failed would understand. I can't tell you what it feels like to have disappointed the ones you love. It took and still is taking a long time to forgive myself and all I ca hope for is that they will eventually forgive me.

Here's the Achilles heel though. Your breakdown is a weakness that lives forever inside you and becomes a mental default that you fight. You recognize the signs and the struggles that trigger the response and you fight with all the mental power you have inside you to not default to the easy road down because God knows the road up is monumental in comparison.

I think these last few weeks of work and the sheer disappointment of the compensation I received has triggered the failure response. That coupled with the social suicide of leaving the church has left me feeling more vulnerable than I have in years. I know my kids are watching me and I know they're afraid. W has only heard about it but he is to me the exact opposite to what I had with M. W cares, enough said.

So what do I do? Christmas approaches. As hard as I worked this year apparently it wasn't enough to warrant any kind of even an average compensation. I have been advised by quite a few to just let them, my company, know just how disappointed I am by working to rule, simply punching the clock and working at normal speed. I guess I was mistaken to believe the "bringing value to the company" with over 180 drills between the 2 areas I was in only counts if they like you. Apparently I pissed off the wrong people. So giving up some my my Fridays off to keep up to the 4 running rigs just was status quo and not an above average level of commitment. It's defeating to think since I even worked thru some holidays that I could have spent with my family. It wont happen again, I have learned my lesson but it still has hurt me, defeated me and I need to overcome the disappointment.

I came out of the cave once before, I will come out again, faster and more resolved to thrive.

A wise women once told me " people will disappoint you". She was right, I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Me thinks......

Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

It is the courage to continue that counts.

~ Winston Churchill

Rocks and a hard place; that’s what Mom used to call those times when you were damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For the most part, my life has been relatively clear of these scenarios but something happened yesterday that basically caught me off guard. I am a bit perplexed as to how to respond.

There was a woman in the ward I used to go to. We had kids that were all born around the same time. My kids were in her kids classes at church and at school and they couldn’t have been more opposite to each other. For the most part it didn’t matter. The differences were significant enough that socially they really didn’t have much to do with each other and outside of some snarky opinions they existed non combatively for many years.

When I left M this woman and her husband took a side, unabashedly so. I took a high road and shared little or nothing about the details of the divorce with anyone outside of my circle of friends. They, her husband and she weren’t the nicest and for the most part I just went about my business. I knew they had a strong opinion of me and I know that on two different occasions those within my circle had to address their opinions as being incorrect as their only frame of reference was M.

I don’t have to rehash in words how difficult church was for me, especially my ward. The pain and the words are in previous blog posts. I had become reticent to my cultural standing and once the perfect storm played out I became inactive out of a need for emotional sanity in my life.

It’s been over a year now and life has changed so much for me. I am less stressed and more self confident. I am happy and content and more at peace with a God who loves me because I am me and not because I can follow a set of doctrines more in line with control and abuse then what this living is all about. I am more spiritual and more loving and I am real for the first time in my life. I still have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and still believe that much of the principles that were taught were correct. Some, I don’t and for that reason I can not reconcile activity. A church that holds polygamy as a strong tenant is not one I want to be a part of. Currently I am being forced to live in it spiritually and for that reason and others I have chosen to walk away.

So, what am I on about?

I received a letter yesterday; A heartfelt two pager. It was well written and concise and sincere. In it she expressed how she felt about me over the years and how my absence at church was felt. She was asking me to come back and said that the only way to heal was there, at church. And the unintentional control played out. The verbiage of every LDS person who feels and thinks that the only happiness that anyone can have is at the church, and then assigns that belief to others unknowingly expressing the opinion that whoever hears it couldn’t possibly be happy outside of it’s proverbial walls. The last sentence she wrote in the letter, though I know she meant so well, lost me. Healing isn’t there; at church, it never was and one person reaching out doesn’t make me trust most of the ward that felt behooved to have me know I was worthless in the gospel sense.

What is a girl to do?

I have fashioned many a thank-you note in my time, some of the apologies I needed to have written were, and then sent. I am free of the grip of a culture that never wanted me in the first place. How can I ever explain that yes, all those testimonies I bore were sincere and even to this day, I LOVE THE GOSPEL ….. Of Jesus Christ and admire the intentions of the LDS faith but there are some doctrines I cannot abide and some issues with the history that can never be made right.

Had the open and honest history of the church been taught I may have made it through but it wasn’t and I was an accomplice to those teachings. And the final and mitigating truth that sealed the exodus for me was to not allow the conversation or the choice of discontinuing my sealing to M and forcing me into a polygamous sealing. That is wrong and gender bias. Women in the church, though time and time again on the general conference pupil, are referenced to as equal and important to the Lord, are not and what I know to be true is the actions of the doctrines speak otherwise.

A woman should have the choice to live under the sealing of her parents and not be forced to remain sealed to a man proven abusive. I remain sealed, not by choice. Walk in my shoes and then you might have a little enlightenment to my heart and soul. All I have asked for is the final and emotional closure for my entire family to a man who remains set in his judgment of all of us be allowed. Is that so much to ask?

I hold a deep respect to the LDS faith. I love meeting and knowing those who live it purely without judgment of others and who understands the Savior’s plan in a more real and deeper way. These people are the ones that stop me from being flippant or aggressive in an ANTI way of thinking. I love and respect them and for that reason alone I remain respectful. I find the noisier members who complain of my Facebook friends or my associations to active MORMON groups (NOM, Feminist Mormon Housewives, etc.) within the Facebook environment are usually the least tolerant and more judgmental members. Even my own twin refuses to speak or acknowledge me because he feels I am weak and gave up too easily. (That would need an entire blog post to address.)

I have no idea how to respond to the letter. I am not angry or hurt or even think that she hasn’t the right to address me but I have nothing further to add to my returning to the “fold”. Yep, I was offended and for over 5 years I tried and I am not willing nor do I have a desire to go back. I do not reference myself as Mormon; I don’t even call myself ex unless it is referenced to not attending anymore.

The opposite of love is indifference and I am very much indifferent to the church as a whole and yet, to the specific individuals that felt so inclined to harass me or treat me disrespectfully I only hold contempt. These people are usually the ones blowing their horns so loudly about being Mormon that no one around them can be heard. I would even hazard to say I may have been one of those at one time.

My life now is very full and rich with an abundance of blessings. I am a family person and my family is very important to me. A church isn’t going to declare it invalid because I don’t have an active sealing to them. The God I know and love would in NO WAY deny that family connection because an ordinance was performed. He is not so unfair as to leave it to a handful of pious individuals to insure all have it; No way, no how.

I have no disagreement to the letter, I am not offended. I let go of the pain and hurt of the treatment given me by members a while back. My emotional and spiritual health has never been better and I am truly at peace with my MAKER. I appreciate her words and I acknowledge that road was a two way street. But I am done and happy because I am done.

If you could hear my words you would hear singing because when it comes to these issues the fat lady is in fact belting out a tune.

Yes, it is over because the fat lady is singing.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

- Buddha

My code of ethics is simple. I remain and always will be a child of my Heavenly parents and as any parent does they have expectations of me here on earth that I have every intention of meeting  them.
I will be kind to others, I will respect others and things and I will always find in myself reasons for happiness and in the sharing of it. Judgment is only at THEIR – my heavenly parents hands, and that is where my life’s wisdom rests, For now; because life is always evolving and my mind and heart will always remain open for change.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. 

It's not. 

~Dr. Seuss

Lessons come to us in so many different ways and on so many different levels. We may hear something and it doesn't even register but then a significant event occurs and our mind is drawn back to the words and we think, "yes, that's what that meant!" and we learn and we grow.

So my reading partner brought a lesson to me this week that I would love to share.

We were talking about people and Christmas and how it is celebrated in Japan. Though there is no connection to any Christian celebration there, what the holiday is about is family and being together. She then spoke about the Japanese/Chinese symbol for human and how it is drawn and what it's meaning is. I was moved. To such basic and complete brush strokes of ink comes a whole and meaningful definition of the human condition. WOW!

So what does it mean? Can you guess?

The brush strokes indicate the need for humans to support humanity (each other). Two swipes of the quill and there you have it, in a nut shell. A Utopian thought to the human condition.

I love symbolism and metaphors. Like the parables of the Savior and how the guts of the gospel are brought to it's most simplistic form in their verses. Yet, time and time again it's missed or forgotten or out right ignored.

For humanity, for a culture, for even a family, the ultimate truism to its basic condition is "do we support each other". I don't mean in wrong either. Someone can be right off their rocker and supporting doesn't always mean agreement or enabling. Support can just be about a smile or a kind thought or caring - even in a tough love kind of way.

I know that when people come together and truly become each others wall to lean on great things can be accomplished.

I pledge to be that for the ones I love the most. I will be that person who truly supports each person in the best way I know how.

And, at the end of the day, as a woman of great wisdom told me (JOY), "if all they say about you is that you cared too much, gave too much, loved too much, is it really that bad?"

David O. McKay spoke about the success of life and how nothing can make up or being considered success if there is failure in the home. How do you measure a successful home. Some might say mine failed, miserably but I disagree.

The measure of my family comes to play when I am staring into the eyes of my beautiful Grandsons and they giggle. It's seeing those beautiful boys look so lovingly into their mother's eyes and all you witness is the bond of motherhood. It's when K2 and D become the awesome auntie and uncle and when we gather and laugh at the dysfunction that we left behind.

Success is in what I have now. In the survival and renewal and in the redefining of family.

It is us, now, finally!




Good People

It's that time again. It's the time when every sentiment of heartfelt emotion is tugged at by overzealous comericals and Hallmark Hall of Fame movies that inevitably make you sob like a baby. Between American Thanksgiving and Christmas every move you make in any direction turns you to a spirit of giving and can sometimes be so over done that the true meaning of why we give can get lost.

I love the made for TV movies, especially Hallmark's and how they remind me of the emotions and love that bind us by whatever definition we choose to call a family. These movies and all the other ways I am reminded of Christmas help me to know that emotion and tears and love are all good and meant to be the driving force that brings us to what this season was always supposed to be about. Family.

I remember a lesson my mother taught me when I was very young about the Christmas season and about giving and about people. I was home sick from school one day and when I came downstairs there were quite a few woman wrapping all sorts of gifts and filling stockings and chatting and laughing. I was little enough to still believe in Santa and I think almost right away Mom recognized my internal conflict.

She took me aside and gave me another one of those amazing life lessons. It wasn't some hokey tale about Santa's helpers or some made up mumbo jumbo about elf's, it was real and it was about poverty and "good people" who reach out and help. Mom was part of a club that reached out to families in need, a group of women not tied to any organization, just friends, who gathered together and gave in a ton of different ways. I remember the faces of the women there, the women I have admired all my life. Some are still at church, some aren't but all of them had hearts of gold and gave not because it was legislated but because it was right.

That was the first time Mom taught me about "good people". She taught me that coming from "good people" didn't automatically make you one. That giving wasn't the only qualification but that your heart had to be involved and not your pride. She taught me to recognize them and to become one. All these lessons have shaped me into the person I am today.

I grew up and for along time I thought "good people" really only were in the church. That has changed so much now, especially in that I see so many where I work and in my daily interactions. I love Christmas for so many reasons and seeing and feeling the hearts of good people is one of them.

To Conquer

It's really late or early depending your perspective and I have come off of one of the most difficult health weeks I have had in ions of time. A twisted ovary and to top it, caught Norovirus sometime either before during or after my 2 day visit to the hospital.

I can't begin to tell you how humbling it can be to be in extreme pain and voiding from well everywhere including tears. I called uncle in a big way and I am for the most part starting to feel sub human.

I have a huge exam this coming week and an assignment due for my photography courses. Well, I may fail my first class in a very long time. I can't help but not care, I am too tired to even think about it.

I just was checking in - letting you'll know I am still breathing and moving.

Updates to the exciting planning for Christmas and the gathering - yes, we are gathering - my babies and I will be together!! That's what got me through this this last week and what is making me smile when it's the last thing I want to do.