Choices

Blogs and their purpose. I seriously had an AHA moment yesterday and nearly, really close I have to say, dropped this blogging thing all together.

It's been a long time since I have been in a situation where I was mocked or made fun of in front of myself. I hate that when it happens, I remember long ago, when I was YW president, one of the Laurels and her NM visiting friend openly made fun of two of the other girls in a way that only they would know. It was obvious enough to make quite a few people uncomfortable but I do remember saying that words can hurt so we should mind them. It wasn't until later I realized that those words were intended for my own daughter.

Yesterday we had our Christmas social for our group at work. A hard working group of young to middle young people and me and G - the old farts edging ourselves to retirement. I am jealous because G is actually counting down. I have been having issues with my new manager. I will say that he is nothing like my old one and it will have to suffice.

I realize this blog is a public forum, I have thought hard about privatizing it and for a number of reasons I have chosen otherwise. I understand because it is a public blog I need to be mindful, thus the letters for names and the mostly "step back" ( I have to admit I can sometimes step beyond the limits) attitude.

THIS BLOG IS FOR MY CHILDREN!

On my book shelf is a book created by my brother from the journals of a great aunt suffering from an unknown diagnosis who travels to Turkey on the orient express in the late 1800's. I also have the journals of other family members lovingly reproduced by other relatives. I come from a long line of writers who spoke to their journeys, spoke about hardships, happiness and growth. This time, this is the medium, this is the portal for my words and later, when I am gone, it is my hope that my words will matter.

So what am I on about?

I ended up across the table from the bain of my existence, my new manager. He is uncommunicative, hard to get to know, and well, in consideration of what is going to follow I will stop there.

We we having one of the short interchanges and a comment was made about blogging; a kind of "heads-up" comment. It came out of nowhere and was left dangling because right at that moment I realized that maybe this blog has been accessed by some I had least expected ever would.

My FAULT!

The part that got me was the mocking, like it was some kind of trailer trash thing to do. That hurt.

I am still processing it though.

I have literally become non existent on FB because a co-worker took advantage of it and threw me under a bus and now, every social conscious I have wants to shut this down as well but this is how I communicate, this is what I do do work through and discover truths, ways to cope and manage the heart and head of a growing journey. This is my "journey journal" written entirely for posterity.

I hate critics, I hate haters. I have to think this through.

I may be out of action for a while.