The Human Story

The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four.  Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.

~Winston Churchill

Doubt consumes me often times. It's a symptom of my past life. For over 25 years all I knew was to say sorry since everything seemed to be my fault. 5 years of intensive therapy has helped me to understand the mechanics of it but not how to stop it when my emotions go on overload.

So what am I on about?

Yesterday, while during an intensive day I was going from task to task getting what needed done, done. I walked into G's office; a crusty, old geologist, earthy to his core, having survived the psychedelic 60's, the swinging 70's and we can go on from there. He turned to me and asked me to stop what I was doing and listen to him for a minute. He then proceeded to tell me that in all his years as a geologist he had rarely run across such a thorough and efficient tech but could I please (meaning me) stopping f'ing saying "I'm sorry". He said it was a symptom of my lack of confidence, no doubt long learned and if he was going to have to tell me everyday to stop he would because I was to damn old to be sorry about anything. I laughed and almost apologized again; he caught me before I did, and promised I would do what I could to stop.

I went back to my office, shut the door and started to laugh. What a shock! I didn't cry. I laughed! Was I that transparent and what was I doing reverting back to my old self. Where the hell was all the confidence I had worked so hard to get?

This made me think deeply. What do I have to be sorry for? Why must I always apologize? Well that could take a thousand blog entries but what I do know is that it is all OLD NEWS. G was right, I was competent in my job, doing a fine job and was successful. I have worked hard to get here and it's time to find some faith in myself with regards to work. Normal people do it all the time and it's time to finely be normal. Oops; did I really put me and normal in the same sentence..... Imagine that.

So, life didn't turn out the way I had imagined 30 years ago. 30 years ago my definitions were much different. My knowledge base as expanded, shoot I have expanded... probably more than I should be right now but thank goodness I am different, thank goodness my goals have changed. Hopefully, I reached some of those early goals but really - change is essential to a healthy life, to a fulfilling life. Thank goodness for change, thank goodness.

I look at K1 - struggling without family in Auzzieland and growing, becoming stronger and I am proud at her change. K2 - I can't even tell you of her growth and change. She is in a much different place then she expected she would be and she has embraced the change and grown, another proud moment for me. K3 - went through a huge scare this week and life's tables turned. There I was watching her suffer and holding her hand and seeing her grow, seeing her change, she made me so proud. D is doing the same as he finds himself and where he wants to be. I watch him as he maturely takes on his challenges and I am proud. My kids are always my pride and JOY. Their changes make them better people. They make me know being a Mom is a good thing, always. (and for those who say pride is a sin, I am not taking it in myself but in the accomplishments of my kids - that's a completely different kind of pride)

W and I are changing too. We have melted into daily married life and everyday, when I think I couldn't love him more he does or says something that makes me know that love always grow when it is nurtured and cared for. We couldn't be more different and yet are hearts are the same. He is a giver. I am a giver. You know, I always knew love like this was possible I just never expected it to ever be for me. Wow, I love this change.

So, for some, my two plus two is a tragedy because it didn't make the four they define as the right answer. Yet, for me; who was never that great at math in the first place, two plus two has made infinity. An infinity of possibilities, a plenitude of change, a life journey extraordinaire. I love my new math..... LOVE IT!

So no more sorry's, just happily ever afters. Joy in the Journey all, JOY IN THE JOURNEY. 

Dear John

"Bigotry and intolerance, silenced by argument, endeavors to silence by persecution, in old days by fire and sword, in modern days by the tongue."

~ Charles Simmons

Almost six years ago I came across a website that spoke to me. I relied heavily on the support this forum brought to me even though my contribution was minimal. What I found here was like-minded people who were honestly and realistically facing their doubts and finding faith. Though, in the end, my journey may have taken the other fork in the road, what the forum did offer was a realization that as much as those in my ward who couldn't and wouldn't offer kindness, instead leaving the rules of the LDS faith determining their opportunities to exact judgment, this group had little or no judgment in it. The kindest was a man named John Dehlin.

We had exchanged emails earlier on and the turmoil of my divorce made me realize that any decision I was making was being influenced by my emotions. I stepped back and worked through them. I joined the two sites in 2008 and lurked mostly and contributed infrequently. What I did get was the feeling of not being alone. I was active as long as I was because of John's wisdom and insight.

Unbenounced to me  John has left the church too. I just found out last week. How I came to the knowlege was that he had been called into his Bishop's office as had other's on the site to be questioned and warned of their involvement on it. Please know that STAY LDS's purpose is for member's to remain active, NOM is for the transitioning - at least that is my take on it. Reading that John and others were being called in stirred BIG emotions for me. John has Never pretended to be anything other than what he is. He has an incredible essay called "Why people leave the church" which I highly recommend, it is on the STAY LDS site.

It was suggested that those who were John's friends on facebook - where your real name is used - was the reference list for Bishop's to be calling people in. Well, I am very guarded on facebook and hadn't even known that John was on there. It took me 1 sec to think about it. If the church was using his friend list to purge people like him from the church I was, out of principle and responsibility, going to add my name to his list. Maybe then Pres. C might have a need to call me in and have a chat, it's not like anything else of value would have brought a conversation on.

I am now John D's friend. His Stake president did not excommunicate him but instead found he was a huge help for many. Thank goodness there are some great leaders out there. I am not embarrassed by my position in life or that I no longer believe. I defy anyone to have been on my journey and not find themselves where I am.

And as far as the inquisition on the "Middle Way Mormons"; think about Salem, Mass or Nazi Germany and ask yourself, is the church a place where those who may not share the same dedication as some who think all or nothing dedication is the only way a place they where Grey's can't be welcome in? It was for me, I stopped going. How many have to stop going before someone really just thinks about why they have stopped. My old bishop used to say, " we have to think abut fixing the leaks in the bucket and not just filling it with missionary work." I could add something here but won't.

So here is to John Dehlin, my new Facebook Friend whom I would gladly add again and again because some people just have a way of making a very difficult world at least have something good to talk about. Check out his Itunes Mormon Matter's Podcast site and then tell me he's Anti. He is nothing of the sort, just truthful which is a welcome shot of difference the church truly needs.

Mother's Love

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."

 ~ Agatha Christie

I was hoping I would be able to have this entry done by Mother's day but no such luck. With being busy and having some nasty moles removed from my back (all Lloyd relatives PLEASE WEAR SUNSCREEN!) I have just now surfaced. I had a wonderful Mother's day with a brunch and visit to my Mom's grave site and a evening of rest. It was wonderful. The following week however was a bit of a challenge. Stitches on the bra line that are so deep they are in for 2 weeks just doesn't make for a comfortable week. Did I mention the need for sun screen?

Mother's day is very different for me now. I used to dread the day and usually found myself in a beyond bitter mood measuring myself as most Mormon mother's do. Now, it really is about motherhood and the JOY there is in it. This year, two of my own babies are brewing babies in their bellies so it had an added meaning. There is nothing to be said for the comparing of success of being a mother to how a religion feels your children measure up. Parenting is so much more than that.

I once apologized to a daughter of mine for failing her - she turned to me as angry as I think I had ever seen her and she said, "when you say that you are saying that I am a failure, I am not. You did a great job Mom so let it go." Enough said.

I had the greatest examples of motherhood in my life. My amazing Mother, Aunts, Grandma's, the history of Wallace/Patterson/Lloyd women is rich in stories of dedication and love and above everything else, raising children in kindness and love - unconditional love. This is the kind of love that draws people to you. My daughters have it too as does D. I have success, continued success with my kids. I have not failed, I am rich in the success of incredible children who will have incredible children and that is the kind of history worthy of repeating itself.

I have said this before and I will say it again. If at the end of my life I can be on half the Mother/Grandmother my Mom was I will have experienced the very purpose of my journey to it's fullest. She was so amazing, I was blessed to be called her daughter.

Missing the Boat.

‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr

Maybe because I wasn't born in the United States I haven't got as an invested interest in the death of Osama Bin Laden but for the last day and a half I have felt sick, not about his death but about the reaction to it. Please don't get me wrong, he was a horrible man who deserved to live in exile and on the run for the last 10 years. His death was a consequence of his actions. One of things that offended me 10 years ago to the core was the way some of the Muslim countries had massive jubilation rallies at the loss of all the people who perished on 9/11. I was as equally set back if not more so at the jubilation here. Are we not better than that? Maybe New York City; maybe the fire stations and police stations, I'll give them that but to have such a strong reaction everywhere only aggravates the extremists and is a recipe for disaster; chaos actually.

9/11 affected me to my core. It changed me. I was appalled at the attack. I mourned for all the families and their loss. Please understand, I wept as nations all over the world wept. I have a strong opinion of any extremest view in any concern. Osama was an evil man who was NOT a Muslim leader as Barack Obama pointed out. His death was inevitable and what speaks volumes to his character is his cowardliness at placing a woman between him and the soldiers to shield bullets. He is the architect of not only the attack on the twin towers and the pentagon but also countless attacks on marketplaces and public squares in the Muslim world where the women and children of the very culture he fights for lived their daily lives. He was ruthless, as are his soldiers, but celebrating his death just doesn't seem right. It just doesn't make peace the goal.

Wars are a horrible result of egos gone amok. I am a passivist by degree. My world has taught me that communication is key but above that is mutual respect both in the living and death. Canada has a long history of honoring and upholding the causalities of war. There is no glory in beliefs that become unreasonable and people, women and children mostly, being caught between extreme points of view is ultimately the underside of the outcome. The reality of this conflict can be seen in the scores of images of Osama's campaign against his own people. Have you seen them? Have you really seen them.

Becoming like them, celebrating like they do the evil of war is just wrong. This world has far too much anger, far too much hatred, far too much discourse. The Tibetan belief that one soul at peace can make a difference is what carries me. One soul searching for inner peace can affect other souls and so on and so on and so on. How much does this matter to me? I have two grand babies on the way and the world I wish to leave them doesn't have hatred in it, doesn't have hurt or harm and if I can make just one place they can go and feel safe and welcome and leave their fears at the door then I will do EVERYTHING in my power to give that to them. EVERYTHING! Even if I have to change everything about me and the hurt soul I have.

There is no celebration in the Pandora's box being opened. The men of Osama's army will now be on full assault mode. Our safety on every level will now be on alert status and why? All because of a differing point of view? Who's God is more right?

Harriet Gets It.

"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself."

~ Harriet Nelson

This is my third draft of this blog entry. The first I felt was far too emotional, the second I posted for about 7 hours and then rethought it. This time, I hope I write to my hearts concerns and not chicken out in the process.

I was told the other day that there are only two reasons people leave the church. The first being offended and the second is unresolved sin. This person wasn't looking for my opinion nor even for my feedback, he just felt very strongly that he needed me to know that for whatever reason I gave him, it simply just measured up to my own personal weaknesses which made M right all along. I thanked him for his words and he left happy at being able to let me have it.

I have thought hard about what he had to say and it makes me cringe sometimes at the limited way of thinking some hard core Mormons have. I don't disagree that most often those two factors come into play but there are some who have chosen to leave for other reasons and by limiting the scope you are lessening their thoughts and that just isn't cool. They deserve more respect than that.

I will state clearly here that my choice to stop attending had a lot to do with being offended. I will admit Parkland ward has it's fair share of mean people. I may have been one of them at one time but I believe, that with all my heart, being at church was ruining my very soul. I couldn't get past all of those "friendly" know it alls who felt they knew every detail of my life and so eagerly judged it. I have said and will repeat it again; church should never be a place that you come away more hurt than when you came. Sundays were a horror for me and telling me to "buck up" only excuses the spiritual bullies that seem to always get away with it. I wasn't welcome so I stopped going. It's that easy.

There are other factors at play as well but what I know of the members at church is that they don't want to know and don't care. Enough said.

So yes, Brother ?, I was offended, but maybe if you got of your pious high horse and took at look at how many people are leaving the church you wouldn't be so friggin self righteous, oh, and maybe study the Savior's example and follow it. Doing so might prevent one more from leaving. Thanks for your opinion, I was already well aware of it but it meant so much more for you to explain it so thoroughly.

In time, all the words and actions that made me feel so unwelcome will be like water under a bridge and I will forgive because just as the quote says, it would be the best thing for me. Time already is healing the wounds but the scars will always be there to remind me of why it just wasn't a place for me.

Easter Bunnies and God - Really?

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. "

~ John 13:34

Something I have learned pretty intensely in the last few years is the multitude of ways in which words can be misconstrued to mean anything. Reaching outside of the standard scriptures and books of the LDS faith I would often run into scriptures that were very familiar to me and yet they were being interpreted so different, almost the polar opposite of what I was raised to believe. So I wondered; what is it about religion and more importantly, the organized part of it, that demands one be more right than another? Why is it that there is always some need to be better, to be first, to be right and why does everyone else have to be wrong for your religion to be right?

In my journey these past few years I have asked so many questions of so many other religions and what I have come to understand in my own heart is that God, Allah, or whatever it is that someone else may worship is as equally as important to that person as the God I grew up learning about and loving. I have met devout Catholics, Muslims, Hebrews, Buddhists, etc, and what they all hold in common is a pure dedication to their religions, their own beliefs and they too have received a personal witness to their truths. Yes, there are some other religions as equally dedicated to theirs being the only right one but what I wonder is, Is this what God intended all along?

Think about every war that has ever been fought and whether or not it came about because of religious intolerance. Why is it that millions of people must suffer and die for what MEN do to be more right than other men.

This Easter I woke up more free from intolerance than I ever have before and while I was contemplating the message that would matter to me I realized it was love, the kind of love that reaches beyond a specific faith and sees the good in all. The unbiased realization that the moment you are in matters most and being kind to EVERYONE is the gospel the Savior intended all along.

I understand now what this kind of love is. I didn't learn it from the temple, or in all the lessons I sat through or taught for all those years I did go to church. I learned it while looking into the eyes of a young child so engrossed in the joy of the moment that you saw love in it's purest form within her eyes. She gave a gift today to our family as she wondered through Grandma Joy's house searching for Easter eggs. She brought back the JOY of a Young child as she opened her little eggs and shared without being asked with all in the room. Her heart holds no malice, her love is unconditional. It's time and society that will eventually take away these gifts she holds so dear. She will never be Mormon. She will always be a child of God and what is such a great gift is that my daughter will teach her to be  even more of a  caring and loving person as will M, her Dad and her mother. The Mormon church holds no monopoly on this kind of love. In fact, it has been my experience to have felt quite the opposite.

So hears to B and to the love she brought this morning to our Easter Brunch. Too M - my wonderful sista, who brought back the ZOOBERT and the JOY that makes Easter and the Saviors request to love one another about the greatest commandment ever given. Yes, that one, the one that speaks about loving one another and all that its means.

I have a wonderful family that was brought together by parents who did their best to give us the world. It may not have been the world that we got but we did getwas each other and now, for the first time in a long time, being together isn't about honoring a faith but more about a family. I know she's (JOY) smiling and glad the pitter patter of excited feet are once again racing around finding hidden Easter eggs and teaching us about what the Savior's love is all about.

Now ask me how excited I am about next Easter when there are 2 more sets of those little feet to teach us even more! Lovin' the journey!!!!

On Being Poor!

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. ~ Mother Teresa

Conversations can sometimes enlighten another much more than at first anyone would have thought. Sometimes, tidbits of information come out, completely bereft of any judgment and the speaker, not knowing the information can make something that was once obscure completely clear, inadvertently allows for an eye opening moment. I had one of those moments this morning. I know that there was never any intention of an AHA moment happening by the person who was speaking but it just did, and Thank God for it. I feel very enlightened.


Life has a way of balancing the fairness of it self. You never know when it will and sometimes the outcome can bring the person wishing for justice uncomfortable but karma is karma and God’s will trumps anything we may ever want or ever wish for.


As I was multi-thinking (tasking) while the conversation was moving forward I realized just how blessed I am. What I value most in the world is the inclusion my children grant me in their lives. Of hearing their wishes and dreams, heartaches and mishaps. Of learning of K1’s wish for her baby bump to materialize and the shear joy of the first flutter that both K1 and K3 have shared. Of all the turmoil of K2 as she juggles the attentions of all the many suitors and her struggles with knowing what it is she really wants from her journey. The moment the morning phone call comes as K3 talks about all the different ways to advert morning sickness. Of hearing the blessed Sax or computer games blaring from the basement or experiencing D as he researches and timidly comes forward to ask my opinion on a family crest for a tattoo and how he laughs at my reactions. These moments make me rich. These moments make me love this journey. These are the reasons we come here and move through the journey and I need to keep reminding myself of the wealth I do have as I can and do experience all life is offering me.


I may not end this journey with a ton of money but what I will exit it with is a life of shared moments and JOY, incredible JOY of having really known my amazing kids and of loving them and having the honor of their love being returned. I need to keep reminding myself of that, always. As much as I think there is injustice, maybe the justice comes by simply being involved. Of loving and caring for these wonderful souls I call my children; and what more amazing JOY could there be than to look forward to then being called a Grandma. Oh my goodness my heart swells at the thought.


For way too long I have defined justice in the wrong way, or heck, even wanted it in the first place. The best thing one can ever do for one’s self is to recognize the harm you do whether meant or not to others. You must and should correct it. The cost you pay for not doing so is far greater that ever believing you assertion of being right in the first place ever will be. I love forgiveness. Thanks to all who have given it and here is to working extra hard at learning to forgive others. That for sure is my Achilles heals of life.


I am grateful for never having to feel true hunger both in the literal sense and in Mother Teresa’s sense. Love is truly a many splendid thing.

Sleepless Nights

One of the things that happens to me every once in a while is a cycle of sleepless nights. I wish with all my heart I could shut my mind down with the worries of it all. One of the conversations I had with my Mom was that I can over analyze situations and let them loop around in my emotions that results in a marathon of connections which in the end makes it difficult to get to sleep. it totally sucks, I know.

So, that's where I am right now. There is so much going on. Work is going through a transition and even though my new boss keeps coming in and explaining the whole process, I tend to worry more than I should. D is struggling a bit, he's trying to figure out his future and trying to have it not be a huge burden on me. He's been challenged on so many levels and always trys to not make my life more difficult. I wish he knew, heck, I wish all my kids knew just how much they enrich my life and how any burden they do bring is one I gladly take on.

I live with so many regrets. There is so much I wish I could undo and yet I realize that the best of families have regrets. I was reminded today that mother's day is coming up. I used to hate that day. Not for the reasons you would think. I felt on every level I was failing as a Mom. It.s been just in the last few years that I have come to understand that I did the best I could. My Mom was the same. We spoke so much about regrets and what the possibilities were during those last few weeks she was alive. How grateful am I for all those moments we had, all those shared regrets and the realization that all mothers have them.

Why is it that we have so many hopes and dreams and then as life passes by those same hopes and dreams can become regrets? Do I have the time to make up to my kids all my failures? Will they find it in their hearts to forgive me? I hope so. I truly hope so.

I miss Mom so much. I doubt a day passes that I don't think about the opportunities that were granted for all her wisdom to be passed. I am full of gratitude for that. So as Mother's day approaches I hope that I can continue to make this day one of hope and gratitude and not like all the ones of my past that were filled with feelings of failure and forbode.

I love my new journey - it keeps getting better and better.

T Plus 1 Week. Watching the Sun.

It's been a week and a day since I found out the news.You would think that with a week past I would feel less anger and frustration towards the leaders who have refused to let me move forward with the cancellation. I mostly sweep it under my heart during the days and at night I simply try to forget. I have heard stories of people so offended at church leaders they spend a lifetime in hate mode. I get that now, I could easily become that.

The church headquarters called this week.... looking for the girls. Really, President C couldn't have had his exec secretary call? It's funny when someone from the church who used to call my girls all those lovely names calls to try and wish a Happy Bday or ask where they are all under a pasted and forced voice of concern. Is that how the members of Parkland ward will become. Will all those members who were so warm and welcoming (cough, cough) eventually show up at my door and pretend concern? Kind of like the YW who treated K2 with such disdain and showed up two weeks after she quit trying to be nice. Is it so hard to find somewhere in your heart to be kind before we ever leave in the first place?

I read a book this week, one I am sure LDS leaders would call blashemphy. In it the author talks about the treatment, the forced silence, the dark side of the LDS culture. The way Mormons say that those that leave the faith can never let it go. Being Mormon isn't just about a faith. It's a lifestyle. Leaving it leaves you without friends and even family and it takes a while to re-establish yourself and build a new life. Why is it that leaving is such a crime? I would have thought that at least some of those I called friends would have remained but very few did....very few. I am in the rebuilding stage.Talking about it is healthy - you simply need to make sure you don't find yourself bitter. I fight that a lot.

So, with less emotion let me address what happened last week openly and honestly.

My request for a cancellation was not a test or a "let's see how far I can push it' reality. It was about emotional closure. For nearly 30 years M has proven over and over again the double standard of his life. The appearance of spirituality and dedication to the motions of Mormonism but when it comes to the God given requests of human decency - the basics of living the gospel that involve Christ's admonitions, there just isn't any.

I need closure to move on. Since the church will NEVER hold him accountable in spite of all the GA's who admonish leaders to do so through every conference during the last 10 years. I love it when the expectations are different for leaders verses lay members.  I need the emotional release so that I never have to know I am in any way attached to a man who abused his family severely, without remorse even to this day. For all the years I was told that single sisters fall under the blessings of their parents eternal sealing I felt compelled to fall under my parents, not M. I am not asking to go to be sealed to W. I don't go to church and that would be hypocritical. My mother raised me to know integrity. So why? Why can't I receive the a cancellation? The answer is absolute, no discussion, why would he? Why bother dealing with the emotions? Well, that's where they're wrong. My emotions are fine, quite worked through by the way. Closure is a very different emotional state than is instability and if you had of bothered meeting with me you might have seen that. The good ol boys club though works well and making women even smaller that an already repressed culture allows.

So Calgary South Stake, did you fail the Smith family? Oh yeah, in my opinion you did. I guess the loss of five members doesn't seem to phase you but in the end, we are just 5. But the next time a woman and her children come forward and the outcome doesn't change that will be how many more? The statistics are that currently only 20% of the church members are active. Maybe it's time to start asking why instead of defaulting to an oblivious concern for "offense" and not coming back. Everybody gets offended at some point in their life's. Why not, instead of putting all the onus on the one offended you as church deal with those that seem so skilled at doing the offending.

I used to mourn the lost generations of my children who weren't going to have the church. Now I think about the moments my grandchildren won't have to be taunted or treated poorly, especially my grand-daughters. I think about the Savior's gospel and how I as a Grandmother I can teach my precious babies about integrity and honor and unconditional love. It;'s funny, I feel closer to the Savior and His gospel  now more than I ever have. Wow, I never expected that.

So it is hear that I publicly state my dedication to being everything to my grandchildren that my mother was to my kids. Maybe not in the way some members of my family would expect me to be but in the way that whenever you looked at Grandma Lloyd you didn't think of her as a heathen but as the kind of woman a whole family honored because in the end she really understood God's purpose for us here on the earth. Thanks Mom, I feel you every day.

  

Thought's Prevoking

"We should continue to become acquainted with human experience through history and philosophy, science and poetry, art and religion… One of the most important things in the world is freedom of the mind; from this all other freedoms spring. Such freedom is necessarily dangerous, for one cannot think right without running the risk of thinking wrong, but generally more thinking is the antidote for the evils that spring from wrong thinking. More thinking is required, and we should all exercise our God-given right to think and be unafraid to express our opinions, with proper respect for those to whom we talk and proper acknowledgment of our own shortcomings.” ~ Elder Hugh B. Brown, An Abundant Life.