The Human Story

The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four.  Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.

~Winston Churchill

Doubt consumes me often times. It's a symptom of my past life. For over 25 years all I knew was to say sorry since everything seemed to be my fault. 5 years of intensive therapy has helped me to understand the mechanics of it but not how to stop it when my emotions go on overload.

So what am I on about?

Yesterday, while during an intensive day I was going from task to task getting what needed done, done. I walked into G's office; a crusty, old geologist, earthy to his core, having survived the psychedelic 60's, the swinging 70's and we can go on from there. He turned to me and asked me to stop what I was doing and listen to him for a minute. He then proceeded to tell me that in all his years as a geologist he had rarely run across such a thorough and efficient tech but could I please (meaning me) stopping f'ing saying "I'm sorry". He said it was a symptom of my lack of confidence, no doubt long learned and if he was going to have to tell me everyday to stop he would because I was to damn old to be sorry about anything. I laughed and almost apologized again; he caught me before I did, and promised I would do what I could to stop.

I went back to my office, shut the door and started to laugh. What a shock! I didn't cry. I laughed! Was I that transparent and what was I doing reverting back to my old self. Where the hell was all the confidence I had worked so hard to get?

This made me think deeply. What do I have to be sorry for? Why must I always apologize? Well that could take a thousand blog entries but what I do know is that it is all OLD NEWS. G was right, I was competent in my job, doing a fine job and was successful. I have worked hard to get here and it's time to find some faith in myself with regards to work. Normal people do it all the time and it's time to finely be normal. Oops; did I really put me and normal in the same sentence..... Imagine that.

So, life didn't turn out the way I had imagined 30 years ago. 30 years ago my definitions were much different. My knowledge base as expanded, shoot I have expanded... probably more than I should be right now but thank goodness I am different, thank goodness my goals have changed. Hopefully, I reached some of those early goals but really - change is essential to a healthy life, to a fulfilling life. Thank goodness for change, thank goodness.

I look at K1 - struggling without family in Auzzieland and growing, becoming stronger and I am proud at her change. K2 - I can't even tell you of her growth and change. She is in a much different place then she expected she would be and she has embraced the change and grown, another proud moment for me. K3 - went through a huge scare this week and life's tables turned. There I was watching her suffer and holding her hand and seeing her grow, seeing her change, she made me so proud. D is doing the same as he finds himself and where he wants to be. I watch him as he maturely takes on his challenges and I am proud. My kids are always my pride and JOY. Their changes make them better people. They make me know being a Mom is a good thing, always. (and for those who say pride is a sin, I am not taking it in myself but in the accomplishments of my kids - that's a completely different kind of pride)

W and I are changing too. We have melted into daily married life and everyday, when I think I couldn't love him more he does or says something that makes me know that love always grow when it is nurtured and cared for. We couldn't be more different and yet are hearts are the same. He is a giver. I am a giver. You know, I always knew love like this was possible I just never expected it to ever be for me. Wow, I love this change.

So, for some, my two plus two is a tragedy because it didn't make the four they define as the right answer. Yet, for me; who was never that great at math in the first place, two plus two has made infinity. An infinity of possibilities, a plenitude of change, a life journey extraordinaire. I love my new math..... LOVE IT!

So no more sorry's, just happily ever afters. Joy in the Journey all, JOY IN THE JOURNEY.