Sleepless Nights

One of the things that happens to me every once in a while is a cycle of sleepless nights. I wish with all my heart I could shut my mind down with the worries of it all. One of the conversations I had with my Mom was that I can over analyze situations and let them loop around in my emotions that results in a marathon of connections which in the end makes it difficult to get to sleep. it totally sucks, I know.

So, that's where I am right now. There is so much going on. Work is going through a transition and even though my new boss keeps coming in and explaining the whole process, I tend to worry more than I should. D is struggling a bit, he's trying to figure out his future and trying to have it not be a huge burden on me. He's been challenged on so many levels and always trys to not make my life more difficult. I wish he knew, heck, I wish all my kids knew just how much they enrich my life and how any burden they do bring is one I gladly take on.

I live with so many regrets. There is so much I wish I could undo and yet I realize that the best of families have regrets. I was reminded today that mother's day is coming up. I used to hate that day. Not for the reasons you would think. I felt on every level I was failing as a Mom. It.s been just in the last few years that I have come to understand that I did the best I could. My Mom was the same. We spoke so much about regrets and what the possibilities were during those last few weeks she was alive. How grateful am I for all those moments we had, all those shared regrets and the realization that all mothers have them.

Why is it that we have so many hopes and dreams and then as life passes by those same hopes and dreams can become regrets? Do I have the time to make up to my kids all my failures? Will they find it in their hearts to forgive me? I hope so. I truly hope so.

I miss Mom so much. I doubt a day passes that I don't think about the opportunities that were granted for all her wisdom to be passed. I am full of gratitude for that. So as Mother's day approaches I hope that I can continue to make this day one of hope and gratitude and not like all the ones of my past that were filled with feelings of failure and forbode.

I love my new journey - it keeps getting better and better.