Been struggling through yet another infection and please, I beg your forgiveness for my short temper but something happened today that after hearing it, I went upstairs, cried and realized making a difference is a monumental task.
I have a friend who has struggled with the church. Her story's long and I have covered some of it but I won't go into details. She stopped going to church for a number of reasons but what didn't happen was that we quit being friends. We were able to maintain our friendship because as the social pariahs that we are, it makes it a ton easier unlike most Mormons who have boundary friends (ward boundaries) because heck, we see each other so often, how can you lose touch when you are in the same ward? She had a terrible week and was really struggling. She went to the Single adult conference and had fun. Feeling like she might be missing something she decided to go to sacrament meeting for the first time in quite awhile. I was sick at home so was unaware of her choice.
My doorbell rang and I went to answer the door. There she was, visibly shaken and upset. She then told me of what had happened to her.
She sat next to our other friend at church and near the start of the meeting Brother and Sister Black & White - holier than thou, sat beside them. They were on a center pew. The sacramental bread came by going to my dear friend first, who passed on it and handed it to the Dear brother. She was a bit embarrassed and had no issues with others knowing but felt strongly that not partaking of the sacrament would be best. Then comes the water, this time he gets it first. She reaches to take the tray from him and he then makes a huge scene and WILL NOT LET HER TOUCH THE TRAY. She felt like a leper or a cast off sinner and he made no bones about his refusal to hand her the tray to simply pass the sacrament on. She was devastated. She vowed to never go back.
This brother is not new to judging others. His wife condemned my parenting in Fast and Testimony just a few weeks ago. This is their way. For all of us who have loved S and cared about her, for the many who wish she was with us each Sunday to have her finally come on her own terms and not just to hear one of us speak, or give a lesson was a gift only to be dismissed by the behavior of one arrogant man. He deems himself worthy and strong and feels self proclaimed to a celestial way of being but over and over again he has run amok on the tender feelings of those who struggle with the gospel. His arrogance has caused more than a few of my friends heartache.
Pharisee, Sadducee's. Yup, no doubt. This is the kind of person who makes attendance at church so hard. For him, however, to say he has not walked in another shoes can be no excuse. He had struggles with his own son and was surrounded by compassion and concern and yet offers none in return. It's a sad irony for sure.
We belong to a church that says "Love the sinner and not the sin" and has no follow through. As I mentioned in my previous post, "How can a people of a church be so unChristlike in their behavior and still belong to a church that bears Christ's name." I am sad.
S won't be back for a while, she will still be my good friend and will be surrounded by good people. If only truth were as self evident. If only we could feel the pain that we impose on others by our judgements. Would we be so quick to pronounce fate if we could only understand what doing unto others ultimately meant for ourselves.
What am I on about;
Follow your heart and when you are at church next Sunday, get the heck out of your comfort zone and embrace someone you know is having struggles and is barely there.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Please Forgive Me
"I know God will not give me anything I cant handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
~ Mother Teresa
UNCLE! A term endearingly used to have my brothers stop beating the tar out of me when we were little and by "beating the tar" out of me I use the term in reference to child's play only. Often the tickling or brow beating would end or Mom would scream "If you are going to fight, take it down stairs so I don't have to hear it!". And thus sibling rivalry would define pecking order and self esteem. Life as the fourth of five kids wasn't easy but it could have been so much worse and for that I am grateful. It was good, in spite of not being perfect.
I ask for patience as I write today. I am in the midst of a pity party due to a severe infection and the passing of kidney stones at the same time. I just got the prescription for antibiotics yesterday and the pain killers are giving me the most awesomest of bizarre nightmares.....can a women really give birth to thousands of babies in a moment, apparently yes in my dreams not to mention scuba diving Siamese cats and bosses who mock from the shoreline.
I had just about had enough this morning, waking up in pain yet again on another Friday off crowded with errands and doctors and all I want to do is just scream and say "Stop the bus, I want to get off". How can I find peace or at least solice for just a moment to recuperate and gain the strength to get back on and continue to ride this incredible journey of mine? What can I do to find tolerance in the intolerable?
Case in point.
Last March we decided to move forward on the cancellation of sealing so W and I can be sealed. We spoke to the Bishop and he gave us some instructions, one of which was to write a letter. Thus the wound was laid open again and the pain resurfaced. The thought process was this, a necessary evil to accomplish a great goal, this would only be temporary. Now 5 months later and two conversations filled with apologies for not doing anything I can't help but feel helpless. I know he's busy; I know I have no right to judge but somehow I feel , I don't know the word, forgotten, trivialized. I thought we would be nearly done by now and yet, as of Sunday, apparently not even started.
Church on Sunday is near impossible. I find myself wondering why the gospel of Jesus Christ is so lost in a church that bears His name. Power struggles and preconceived notions and heartless condemnation is par for the course and yet, within lays a belief that this. for me, is where my truth resides. People in testimony meeting condemning my parenting, stories of grandeur and pecking order mentalities that alienate those who need love the most and I ask why? For that matter, others ask why? Why would you want to be where you are so marginalized, so judged? Why be where you will never measure up?
Work only sees results and even going in when you are so full of pain you can barely stand and feeling helpless in ever finding some measure of respect you persevere because at the end of the day the bills need paid and for you, alone at meeting those bills, losing your job is not an option, not an option at all.
So, as I am overcome with feeling overwhelmed. I lay in bed this morning wishing away my tragic and turmoil filled life and then I remembered the pain of my mother as she struggled with cancer and the fear of leaving us too soon. I remember that in my pity.... selfish pity.... that the pews at my chapel are filled with many silently suffering greater burdens than mine and as much as I may feel my load is too heavy, at least I can ask for help. Maybe not from home teachers or a Bishop but I have great family and friends and for goodness sake, it is after all, just a pity party.
Pain has a way of taking us to the extremes. In the midst of it we become selfish and once cresting through the painful journey we become reflective. I think I am getting to the reflective part.
Lord, grant me the serenity....
~ Mother Teresa
UNCLE! A term endearingly used to have my brothers stop beating the tar out of me when we were little and by "beating the tar" out of me I use the term in reference to child's play only. Often the tickling or brow beating would end or Mom would scream "If you are going to fight, take it down stairs so I don't have to hear it!". And thus sibling rivalry would define pecking order and self esteem. Life as the fourth of five kids wasn't easy but it could have been so much worse and for that I am grateful. It was good, in spite of not being perfect.
I ask for patience as I write today. I am in the midst of a pity party due to a severe infection and the passing of kidney stones at the same time. I just got the prescription for antibiotics yesterday and the pain killers are giving me the most awesomest of bizarre nightmares.....can a women really give birth to thousands of babies in a moment, apparently yes in my dreams not to mention scuba diving Siamese cats and bosses who mock from the shoreline.
I had just about had enough this morning, waking up in pain yet again on another Friday off crowded with errands and doctors and all I want to do is just scream and say "Stop the bus, I want to get off". How can I find peace or at least solice for just a moment to recuperate and gain the strength to get back on and continue to ride this incredible journey of mine? What can I do to find tolerance in the intolerable?
Case in point.
Last March we decided to move forward on the cancellation of sealing so W and I can be sealed. We spoke to the Bishop and he gave us some instructions, one of which was to write a letter. Thus the wound was laid open again and the pain resurfaced. The thought process was this, a necessary evil to accomplish a great goal, this would only be temporary. Now 5 months later and two conversations filled with apologies for not doing anything I can't help but feel helpless. I know he's busy; I know I have no right to judge but somehow I feel , I don't know the word, forgotten, trivialized. I thought we would be nearly done by now and yet, as of Sunday, apparently not even started.
Church on Sunday is near impossible. I find myself wondering why the gospel of Jesus Christ is so lost in a church that bears His name. Power struggles and preconceived notions and heartless condemnation is par for the course and yet, within lays a belief that this. for me, is where my truth resides. People in testimony meeting condemning my parenting, stories of grandeur and pecking order mentalities that alienate those who need love the most and I ask why? For that matter, others ask why? Why would you want to be where you are so marginalized, so judged? Why be where you will never measure up?
Work only sees results and even going in when you are so full of pain you can barely stand and feeling helpless in ever finding some measure of respect you persevere because at the end of the day the bills need paid and for you, alone at meeting those bills, losing your job is not an option, not an option at all.
So, as I am overcome with feeling overwhelmed. I lay in bed this morning wishing away my tragic and turmoil filled life and then I remembered the pain of my mother as she struggled with cancer and the fear of leaving us too soon. I remember that in my pity.... selfish pity.... that the pews at my chapel are filled with many silently suffering greater burdens than mine and as much as I may feel my load is too heavy, at least I can ask for help. Maybe not from home teachers or a Bishop but I have great family and friends and for goodness sake, it is after all, just a pity party.
Pain has a way of taking us to the extremes. In the midst of it we become selfish and once cresting through the painful journey we become reflective. I think I am getting to the reflective part.
Lord, grant me the serenity....
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Amazing Grace
"There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less." ~ Philip Yancey
Time is so precious right now. I have been so busy at work that when I get home I crash and just want to stop thinking. Thus, the lack of posts.
I have had two short vacations in the last few weeks, One to Kelowna to visit a dear old friend and the other to Saskatchewan to camp with my beautiful step daughter. I took advantage of the down time and picked up some books to read. One of the disadvantages of my job is that mental exhaustion can make it difficult to want to read. If you follow my blog you are aware of how much I love to do it so being away from it causes an ache in my soul as I miss the written word and the learning that comes from it. Numbers are wonderful but there were never truly a part of my song. They are forced into it now through work and somehow they are moving words away. I may have to just MAKE THE TIME to read so as to feed my hungry song.
Years ago when I worked for a company called FEKETE I came across some pretty incredible people. The owners of the company and those in leadership positions were some of the finest quality people I have met. They were men who put there families first, who cared deeply about every employee and who had lives outside of the business ambitions. One was heavily involved in the La Larche League which is an organization where people go on missions to care for severely handicapped persons who live in countries where there care is not so self evident by their governments. For 18 months you put yourself into the service of one individual and you become their primary caregiver. Everything, feeding, bathing, all of it. You literally lose yourself in the service of another and it changes you. He would come into my office and he would talk about the experiences and how it moved him, he was a great man. Then there was another who come into my office and would talk about the youth ministry that he ran at his church. I was going through a very difficult separation and divorce and about once or twice a week he would stop by my office and offer advise and concern. He is the one who introduced me to the book I am going to blog about today. Here I was, a low man on the totem pole and these men cared and were the finest examples of what balancing work and philantrophy could be. Even the third president was as equally dedicated to his causes and it was expected at the company to find balance because they understood the nature of our purpose here on earth. They were all truly exceptional people and brought great changes to my life. It was an honor to work there if only to be in their company, even the woman I worked for was a truly outstanding person.
So what am I on about?
As Mom was going through the last stages of her cancer and I was just about to embark on the divorce I was told about a book that might help me. I immediately went and got it and read it cover to cover in about three days. I think the emotions of the time period impeded my understanding that although I thought the book was good it kind of missed touching my heart deeply. I put it on the book shelf and moved on to self improvement with other books.
A few months ago I went out with a couple of dear old friends, one who has found spirituality at another church and she brought up the book. I had read it and liked it but clearly I had missed the meaning of the words. I pulled it out of the bookshelf again and decided, this time, find purpose in the words.
The name of the book? "What's so Amazing About Grace?" by Phillip Yancey.
I am the kind of person who will reread books. Don't even get me started at how many times I have reread "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", "Anne of Green Gables" and the all to familiar "B of M". Each time theses books are read, different meanings come from the words and I grow just a bit more.
Rereading this book, however, was fundamental to growing for me. Life changing because the words within it helped me to understand a principle of the Gospel I truly didn't grasp. Grace is a deep and penetrating action that as much as God offers it to us, we too, in the end, must find it in our souls so as to offer it up to others as well.
Case in point.
I was cleaning my office the other day. Emptying files of unnecessary documents and came across my personal file. Within it were travel letters for D to cross the border, a letter from my Dad, one I had written him, K's itinerary for her tour of Europe and her ID documents in case something happened. And then I found an envelope. It had my ex's handwriting on it and I was perplexed. I opened it and found the letter he no doubt had been forced to write by his Bishop so he could get the clearance for his upcoming temple wedding. I was brought back to when I first received it. Three paragraphs long. Forced words without much meaning and I remembered how those words tore me in half, I remember feeling the emptiness the words had and what was so amazing was that I felt none of that as I reread the letter again. What a revelation to me to see that as much as I had ached for so long for some sort of understanding on his behalf to the damage he had done that now, it doesn't matter.... doesn't matter at all.
Grace is about a way of being. God loves us NO MATTER WHAT. The atonement makes that love evident and too not offer forgiveness is to make light of the Savior's sacrifice. As angry as I can be at the past it doesn't change that it happened. If the only thing that can come from it is that we both have dedicated ourselves to a better way of being now then what's left is in the Lord's hands to deal with.
Sure I have wishes. I wish that my reputation didn't have to be so ruined by His words, I wish that going to the Temple didn't have to mean coming across a vengeful and gossiping woman who just can't leave it alone, I wish that he didn't have be so absent from the kids lives because he can't come to terms with what he did but what I do know is that waiting on the wishes to resolve themselves just isn't productive and more than anything, I can't control others, I can only control myself.
I am happy. God has given me the opportunity to be loved in the way we all deserve. I have been able to in turn find the peace that comes from that kind of love and return it. I have my children and they are amazing. They contribute to this world in incredibly wonderful ways and what more can a mother ask. I will find a way to completely purge this past of mine. Dr. W said that it may take up to 7 - 10 years before it's done but I can already feel it. I wish him no ill will.... I wish him understanding because if he could try and understand the kid's hurt he could invite his kids back into his life and he could know just how truly amazing they are. I think I have finally found forgiveness.
The other day, D and I were having a discussion. He is working for the summer before he goes to university and got his first pay check. He immediately went out and spent it on computer monitors. I was disappointed but knew that coming at him with that would be counter productive. We were in the kitchen and I asked a few questions... you know the ones. "Did you leave enough for tithing, what about setting aside some for your mission and we talked. He had also gotten one of those 'credit cards" that come randomly and I knew we had to talk about provident living. We had a discussion about saving and living within our means and words I thought I would never speak were spoken. "One of the good things I got out of my marriage to your father was to live within your means, you have to respect that D and know, you have enough example in your life to know better than to spend more than you make. It was a principle your Dad adhered to and one which is a good example to follow". D nearly feel off his chair. He knew I had taken that example too and was living it.
I know at some point in my life I will be able to have a measurable peaceful conversation with M. That time isn't yet but what I do know is that I am learning the principle of grace. When I see a woman who walks with grace I am so impressed. I hope that someday someone might say of me..."She walks with grace."
Time is so precious right now. I have been so busy at work that when I get home I crash and just want to stop thinking. Thus, the lack of posts.
I have had two short vacations in the last few weeks, One to Kelowna to visit a dear old friend and the other to Saskatchewan to camp with my beautiful step daughter. I took advantage of the down time and picked up some books to read. One of the disadvantages of my job is that mental exhaustion can make it difficult to want to read. If you follow my blog you are aware of how much I love to do it so being away from it causes an ache in my soul as I miss the written word and the learning that comes from it. Numbers are wonderful but there were never truly a part of my song. They are forced into it now through work and somehow they are moving words away. I may have to just MAKE THE TIME to read so as to feed my hungry song.
Years ago when I worked for a company called FEKETE I came across some pretty incredible people. The owners of the company and those in leadership positions were some of the finest quality people I have met. They were men who put there families first, who cared deeply about every employee and who had lives outside of the business ambitions. One was heavily involved in the La Larche League which is an organization where people go on missions to care for severely handicapped persons who live in countries where there care is not so self evident by their governments. For 18 months you put yourself into the service of one individual and you become their primary caregiver. Everything, feeding, bathing, all of it. You literally lose yourself in the service of another and it changes you. He would come into my office and he would talk about the experiences and how it moved him, he was a great man. Then there was another who come into my office and would talk about the youth ministry that he ran at his church. I was going through a very difficult separation and divorce and about once or twice a week he would stop by my office and offer advise and concern. He is the one who introduced me to the book I am going to blog about today. Here I was, a low man on the totem pole and these men cared and were the finest examples of what balancing work and philantrophy could be. Even the third president was as equally dedicated to his causes and it was expected at the company to find balance because they understood the nature of our purpose here on earth. They were all truly exceptional people and brought great changes to my life. It was an honor to work there if only to be in their company, even the woman I worked for was a truly outstanding person.
So what am I on about?
As Mom was going through the last stages of her cancer and I was just about to embark on the divorce I was told about a book that might help me. I immediately went and got it and read it cover to cover in about three days. I think the emotions of the time period impeded my understanding that although I thought the book was good it kind of missed touching my heart deeply. I put it on the book shelf and moved on to self improvement with other books.
A few months ago I went out with a couple of dear old friends, one who has found spirituality at another church and she brought up the book. I had read it and liked it but clearly I had missed the meaning of the words. I pulled it out of the bookshelf again and decided, this time, find purpose in the words.
The name of the book? "What's so Amazing About Grace?" by Phillip Yancey.
I am the kind of person who will reread books. Don't even get me started at how many times I have reread "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", "Anne of Green Gables" and the all to familiar "B of M". Each time theses books are read, different meanings come from the words and I grow just a bit more.
Rereading this book, however, was fundamental to growing for me. Life changing because the words within it helped me to understand a principle of the Gospel I truly didn't grasp. Grace is a deep and penetrating action that as much as God offers it to us, we too, in the end, must find it in our souls so as to offer it up to others as well.
Case in point.
I was cleaning my office the other day. Emptying files of unnecessary documents and came across my personal file. Within it were travel letters for D to cross the border, a letter from my Dad, one I had written him, K's itinerary for her tour of Europe and her ID documents in case something happened. And then I found an envelope. It had my ex's handwriting on it and I was perplexed. I opened it and found the letter he no doubt had been forced to write by his Bishop so he could get the clearance for his upcoming temple wedding. I was brought back to when I first received it. Three paragraphs long. Forced words without much meaning and I remembered how those words tore me in half, I remember feeling the emptiness the words had and what was so amazing was that I felt none of that as I reread the letter again. What a revelation to me to see that as much as I had ached for so long for some sort of understanding on his behalf to the damage he had done that now, it doesn't matter.... doesn't matter at all.
Grace is about a way of being. God loves us NO MATTER WHAT. The atonement makes that love evident and too not offer forgiveness is to make light of the Savior's sacrifice. As angry as I can be at the past it doesn't change that it happened. If the only thing that can come from it is that we both have dedicated ourselves to a better way of being now then what's left is in the Lord's hands to deal with.
Sure I have wishes. I wish that my reputation didn't have to be so ruined by His words, I wish that going to the Temple didn't have to mean coming across a vengeful and gossiping woman who just can't leave it alone, I wish that he didn't have be so absent from the kids lives because he can't come to terms with what he did but what I do know is that waiting on the wishes to resolve themselves just isn't productive and more than anything, I can't control others, I can only control myself.
I am happy. God has given me the opportunity to be loved in the way we all deserve. I have been able to in turn find the peace that comes from that kind of love and return it. I have my children and they are amazing. They contribute to this world in incredibly wonderful ways and what more can a mother ask. I will find a way to completely purge this past of mine. Dr. W said that it may take up to 7 - 10 years before it's done but I can already feel it. I wish him no ill will.... I wish him understanding because if he could try and understand the kid's hurt he could invite his kids back into his life and he could know just how truly amazing they are. I think I have finally found forgiveness.
The other day, D and I were having a discussion. He is working for the summer before he goes to university and got his first pay check. He immediately went out and spent it on computer monitors. I was disappointed but knew that coming at him with that would be counter productive. We were in the kitchen and I asked a few questions... you know the ones. "Did you leave enough for tithing, what about setting aside some for your mission and we talked. He had also gotten one of those 'credit cards" that come randomly and I knew we had to talk about provident living. We had a discussion about saving and living within our means and words I thought I would never speak were spoken. "One of the good things I got out of my marriage to your father was to live within your means, you have to respect that D and know, you have enough example in your life to know better than to spend more than you make. It was a principle your Dad adhered to and one which is a good example to follow". D nearly feel off his chair. He knew I had taken that example too and was living it.
I know at some point in my life I will be able to have a measurable peaceful conversation with M. That time isn't yet but what I do know is that I am learning the principle of grace. When I see a woman who walks with grace I am so impressed. I hope that someday someone might say of me..."She walks with grace."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Imperfections and Failures
"My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Failure on every level is exhausting and it seems I have done more of it than I care to admit to especially these last few months. But this one week ago Sunday I bombed beyond bombing and I am having the hardest time standing back up.
I was asked by another teacher in RS to make up her Sunday which was the 11th. Without checking the subject or lesson I agreed and went about my day. After later looking up what I had agreed to I had wished with all my heart I had checked before I said yes. . If I hadn’t of asked her to cover my lesson the month before I would have phoned back and bagged out. What had I agreed to?
I prayed and I searched and I prayed some more and I even got to a place where I felt confident. That was my first mistake. Never, ever, ever get to a place where confidence resides because that is the place where falling flat on you face follows.
The topic of the lesson was ‘The Priesthood”. Not bad, I know, but one of the sub topics was a discussion on honoring the priesthood. Every time I went there all of the demons came out and all I could hear in my head was “YOU MUST FOLLOW MY PRIESTHOOD”, and “I have the Priesthood and you must do what I tell you” and “If only you would follow my priesthood there would be no problems”. It was his siren call and it is what he told anyone who would listen when we were separating was the ONLY reason our marriage was ending. It was the one thing that crushed me beyond crushing. I knew I honored the priesthood, I knew I respected the priesthood; I just couldn’t bring myself or my children to be abused any further from his unrighteous use of it. It was so difficult. It was so painful, it was opening up so many almost healed wounds.
With plenty of counseling and time passing I have been able to understand the Priesthood and its appropriate use. I have been able to discern when and where it’s to function and just how it functions. I am married to a man who in the honoring of the Priesthood it becomes inspiring. I thought I had my emotions in check and yet, boy, was I wrong. What happened to my family has no other word for it but extreme spiritual abuse and finding our way back has been hard fought. A wiser woman might have seen how teaching on this topic would open old wounds. Boy did it ever. It laid them bare for all to see. Every weakness I have came out and was exposed to every woman in that room and IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.
Note to self: take a pass on a subject like this. It’s more beneficial to all involved. And to the understanding from those who hugged me after I owe my emotional life. I was ready to be absolutely done, to NEVER walk into that room again because after all the work I have done to get over the years of abuse as a family we suffered through, I simply dropped it all and felt like I would have to start all over again.
The one comment from the women most expected to give it stung very deep until I realized that her perspective is only what M said and she is not the type to care much of another person’s shoes. I guess the positive aspect here is the recognition of that fact was immediate and the words didn’t hurt for very long.
So the solution, as hard as it will be, is to recognize that I am going to have to get back on that horse in a couple of months and trust that I can teach without emotion with the aid of the Lord.
A says the lesson was for me and to remember that. If it had to happen for that alone then so be it. Her words “I hope your able to shack this off and not hold onto it, it is part of your past, and now part of the future. We are what we are yesterday, today we get to start again, always remember that, it is the atonement in action.” With those words you now can know why I admire her so.
I hate picking up the pieces when I drop them! Maybe what I should think about is that it is getting easier and easier to pick them up. Failure is a part of me in a very real way. I think I will be spending the next while talking myself into standing before that group of women again and garnishing the courage to try and teach. Yikes, I can already feel my stomach turn.
Failure on every level is exhausting and it seems I have done more of it than I care to admit to especially these last few months. But this one week ago Sunday I bombed beyond bombing and I am having the hardest time standing back up.
I was asked by another teacher in RS to make up her Sunday which was the 11th. Without checking the subject or lesson I agreed and went about my day. After later looking up what I had agreed to I had wished with all my heart I had checked before I said yes. . If I hadn’t of asked her to cover my lesson the month before I would have phoned back and bagged out. What had I agreed to?
I prayed and I searched and I prayed some more and I even got to a place where I felt confident. That was my first mistake. Never, ever, ever get to a place where confidence resides because that is the place where falling flat on you face follows.
The topic of the lesson was ‘The Priesthood”. Not bad, I know, but one of the sub topics was a discussion on honoring the priesthood. Every time I went there all of the demons came out and all I could hear in my head was “YOU MUST FOLLOW MY PRIESTHOOD”, and “I have the Priesthood and you must do what I tell you” and “If only you would follow my priesthood there would be no problems”. It was his siren call and it is what he told anyone who would listen when we were separating was the ONLY reason our marriage was ending. It was the one thing that crushed me beyond crushing. I knew I honored the priesthood, I knew I respected the priesthood; I just couldn’t bring myself or my children to be abused any further from his unrighteous use of it. It was so difficult. It was so painful, it was opening up so many almost healed wounds.
With plenty of counseling and time passing I have been able to understand the Priesthood and its appropriate use. I have been able to discern when and where it’s to function and just how it functions. I am married to a man who in the honoring of the Priesthood it becomes inspiring. I thought I had my emotions in check and yet, boy, was I wrong. What happened to my family has no other word for it but extreme spiritual abuse and finding our way back has been hard fought. A wiser woman might have seen how teaching on this topic would open old wounds. Boy did it ever. It laid them bare for all to see. Every weakness I have came out and was exposed to every woman in that room and IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.
Note to self: take a pass on a subject like this. It’s more beneficial to all involved. And to the understanding from those who hugged me after I owe my emotional life. I was ready to be absolutely done, to NEVER walk into that room again because after all the work I have done to get over the years of abuse as a family we suffered through, I simply dropped it all and felt like I would have to start all over again.
The one comment from the women most expected to give it stung very deep until I realized that her perspective is only what M said and she is not the type to care much of another person’s shoes. I guess the positive aspect here is the recognition of that fact was immediate and the words didn’t hurt for very long.
So the solution, as hard as it will be, is to recognize that I am going to have to get back on that horse in a couple of months and trust that I can teach without emotion with the aid of the Lord.
A says the lesson was for me and to remember that. If it had to happen for that alone then so be it. Her words “I hope your able to shack this off and not hold onto it, it is part of your past, and now part of the future. We are what we are yesterday, today we get to start again, always remember that, it is the atonement in action.” With those words you now can know why I admire her so.
I hate picking up the pieces when I drop them! Maybe what I should think about is that it is getting easier and easier to pick them up. Failure is a part of me in a very real way. I think I will be spending the next while talking myself into standing before that group of women again and garnishing the courage to try and teach. Yikes, I can already feel my stomach turn.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Updating Posts
So, I have uploaded all my writing of the past few months. I am sure that they are not all in order and it may seem a bit disjointed but I felt it best to post them, they are my words and I stand by them. Thanks all for your patience with me, I am, after all, a work in progress!
To Know What People Really Think
“To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.” ~ Rene Descartes
I have a resolve to continue writing and I am hoping that the words I type have purpose if not for me then for those who read them. My opinions are just that; an opinion, and though there are times when the pain ebbs them to a more brutal and uncompromising attitude; after revealed I can see that I have edged to unreason and find myself moving once again towards rational reflection.
Case in point.
I have always been perplexed by the need of so many members of our church to “put on eres” to have themselves appear flawless and then for others to judge so harshly the “falling down” and getting back up of others who are open enough to admit they are not perfect. I have always been an underdog and supporter of the member of the church less liked or harshly judged.
I remember as a youth the family of a part member home. The mother was dedicated and her children very active. She served in all the callings allotted to one to whom the choice of marrying a non member can have. I liked her but she was a bit brash and a mother bear in her own right. My Mom loved her and constantly reminded me that her life wasn’t easy, her journey a bit more challenged as her husband was very much not in support of her activity in the church.
Her children were misfits, caught between two worlds and desperately seeking acceptance. The culture of our church, being the way it is, was not a completely welcoming place and I have to say, being so immersed in it during high school, though I was never cruel, I was also not going out of my way to be welcoming either.
My day to day actions were not in harmony with my thoughts and in every real way I failed myself and this great woman and her children. Funny thing is, I was aware of my hearts intuition but immaturity brought me to a place of non action. Boy, do I wish I could take back time because instead of being so immersed in being accepted I could have just been friendly and accepting and made being at church a bit easier for some.
I can’t even tell you what happened to this family or to the kids. I shared a ward with them for years and for all I know they could live in the same house and simply be inactive. Do we go back and admit are faults or do we resolve to never repeat the actions and move forward? What’s the answer? Which direction the correct one?
I have struggled so much with my testimony in the last while and with where I stand exactly on my beliefs. I have a brother who spent most of his teen years and early twenties living a life not in keeping with the gospel and even after his mission he tripped but through it all he had the support of his family. This same brother hasn’t spoken to me since I chose to marry outside of the temple first, because my ex could not control the date as he would stall the process and second, so that we could include our less active children and merge the families harmoniously. Is this what our church teaches; am I right in assuming the culture dictates it?
A friend at work grew up JW. She was the perfect child and for her entire life, to the age of almost 20, a JW parents dream child. She suffered from depression and was abused horribly by a strict and unforgiving father and yet, as much as she did right, she could never do enough right to please him. She fell in love with a man from work and wanted to marry him. In the JW faith, once baptized, marrying outside your faith results in some very traumatic results. I thought she was kidding until one day, where entering an elevator with her to start the day at work, three women promptly exited it. It was such an intrusive reaction; these women didn’t just leave the elevator but did so with great drama and disgust leveled precisely at this wonderful and sweet young woman. Tears began to fall down her face and I felt so bad for her. I didn’t understand what had just happened. She informed me that they were JW too and that she had just had a judgment of shunning placed on her. I was shocked when she explained what that was. SHOCKED!
Though the JW have an actual name for this kind of behavior, do we as a faith, have a similar reaction to those that stray? I have witnessed a dear friend’s son who has been excommunicated try each Sunday to return to church. He sits alone at the back of the chapel and is very rarely addressed except by those who have great understanding to the challenges that accompany church courts and the inevitable consequences. It isn’t easy to have so many people aware of your “supposed sins” because, come on; do we every really know the full truth?
Another case in point.
This past year, as I have faced the greatest challenge to what I know to be true and because of the anger that is residual from my past I made a very heart rendering choice. My testimony had waivered; whether from a challenge to my belief system or anger from a past that remains unresolved I knew that had I been given a choice to be baptized at that moment I was not sure I could answer yes. I didn’t know what I believed anymore except that the gospel of Jesus Christ was my foothold and that I understood. I felt that attendance at the temple and even partaking of the sacrament and renewing covenants I wasn’t sure of was maybe something I needed to rethink. So I made a decision, knowing full well that I would be scrutinized and that there would be many who would judge. I would cease to do both until I could come to terms with where I was spiritually.
For almost 8 months I challenged myself and worked through all that I had once taken for granted. I read and searched for answers and knew that each time, as the sacrament passed me that there would be many who would just judge me and make inaccurate assumptions because Wayne and I had not married in the temple. The Bishop did his best to help by calling me to teach RS and by having me pray in sacrament meeting but there are always those who never try and see the picture as it is but for what it isn’t.
W was so amazing through this whole process. He sat beside me each sacrament meeting and cushioned me from the stares and mostly he was patient as I struggled to know again, to believe again and then to commit again to the gospel of our faith we share. Thank you for that W! You were a life saver.
So, as I was going through this, I remembered my good friend D and her struggle with joining the church. She had investigated for years and her active and strong husband stood by her. She remembered the day she finally realized that she had spent so much time waiting for that great AHA moment to happen when she’d be struck down by the thunder of truth and in reality, her truth was ebbing its way into her heart. Sometimes just believing that something makes you a better person; that being united as a family is more important than the absolute witness. She knew that with time, it would permeate her being and it would just be a part of her. I could describe her as the best RS President I have ever met, not to mention, the best YM and Primary Pres as well but she absolutely could be described as a wonderful daughter, sister, Mom and wife as well as someone who balances the gospel with everyday living better than anyone I know. Her example brought me to my balance. Her example helped me to see past the pain.
My whole belief system has changed. I no longer describe myself in the same way. Though I have now come full circle and renew my covenants both of the sacrament and in the temple it is done on such a personal level that I almost feel guilty. My truths and my faith in them are self evident and how someone else looks on it is unimportant to me. I am my Father in Heaven’s daughter and his mercy coupled with my efforts can result in a united cause. I know that this faith is a part of me and that He has given me so much. To walk away would be wrong. As hard as it is to feel accepted by those in my faith I am still a part of it and for that I am defined. Is this a result of a wounded maturing or the consequences of a difficult road travelled?
Well, I can’t answer that but let me write to the results?
W and I went to the WP ward Canada Day breakfast. We walked there because it was just a few blocks from our home and we brought our precious Rocky with us. As we approached my father we were accosted by a crotchety old member of the HP quorum. Someone I have known since I was a very little girl. He came after us for having Rocky there and did so in the unkindest of ways. After saying the same thing over 10 times I looked over to W upon which W said to Brother D, “we heard you and we will move in a moment”. The exchange was over nearly as quickly as it had started and we never thought of it again except to say how sad it was for someone to be so uptight about something so irrelevant.
Later that week we heard that something had been said about this HP’s behavior and it was then that I realized how little effect these kind of interactions have on me now. Is it that I just don’t care anymore or is it that I have more self esteem so I am not as vulnerable to insult? Either way; I am a better person now, thank goodness, and as for my being active and taking on the renewal of my covenants in a much more reticent way. I think, for the most part, I am living my life for myself more than ever. I seek out ways to be of service not for others to see it but for the purpose of making the world a better place.
I have truly come to understand the meaning of the AtOneMent.
So what am I on about this time?
“Everything is self evident.” ~ Rene Descates
I have a resolve to continue writing and I am hoping that the words I type have purpose if not for me then for those who read them. My opinions are just that; an opinion, and though there are times when the pain ebbs them to a more brutal and uncompromising attitude; after revealed I can see that I have edged to unreason and find myself moving once again towards rational reflection.
Case in point.
I have always been perplexed by the need of so many members of our church to “put on eres” to have themselves appear flawless and then for others to judge so harshly the “falling down” and getting back up of others who are open enough to admit they are not perfect. I have always been an underdog and supporter of the member of the church less liked or harshly judged.
I remember as a youth the family of a part member home. The mother was dedicated and her children very active. She served in all the callings allotted to one to whom the choice of marrying a non member can have. I liked her but she was a bit brash and a mother bear in her own right. My Mom loved her and constantly reminded me that her life wasn’t easy, her journey a bit more challenged as her husband was very much not in support of her activity in the church.
Her children were misfits, caught between two worlds and desperately seeking acceptance. The culture of our church, being the way it is, was not a completely welcoming place and I have to say, being so immersed in it during high school, though I was never cruel, I was also not going out of my way to be welcoming either.
My day to day actions were not in harmony with my thoughts and in every real way I failed myself and this great woman and her children. Funny thing is, I was aware of my hearts intuition but immaturity brought me to a place of non action. Boy, do I wish I could take back time because instead of being so immersed in being accepted I could have just been friendly and accepting and made being at church a bit easier for some.
I can’t even tell you what happened to this family or to the kids. I shared a ward with them for years and for all I know they could live in the same house and simply be inactive. Do we go back and admit are faults or do we resolve to never repeat the actions and move forward? What’s the answer? Which direction the correct one?
I have struggled so much with my testimony in the last while and with where I stand exactly on my beliefs. I have a brother who spent most of his teen years and early twenties living a life not in keeping with the gospel and even after his mission he tripped but through it all he had the support of his family. This same brother hasn’t spoken to me since I chose to marry outside of the temple first, because my ex could not control the date as he would stall the process and second, so that we could include our less active children and merge the families harmoniously. Is this what our church teaches; am I right in assuming the culture dictates it?
A friend at work grew up JW. She was the perfect child and for her entire life, to the age of almost 20, a JW parents dream child. She suffered from depression and was abused horribly by a strict and unforgiving father and yet, as much as she did right, she could never do enough right to please him. She fell in love with a man from work and wanted to marry him. In the JW faith, once baptized, marrying outside your faith results in some very traumatic results. I thought she was kidding until one day, where entering an elevator with her to start the day at work, three women promptly exited it. It was such an intrusive reaction; these women didn’t just leave the elevator but did so with great drama and disgust leveled precisely at this wonderful and sweet young woman. Tears began to fall down her face and I felt so bad for her. I didn’t understand what had just happened. She informed me that they were JW too and that she had just had a judgment of shunning placed on her. I was shocked when she explained what that was. SHOCKED!
Though the JW have an actual name for this kind of behavior, do we as a faith, have a similar reaction to those that stray? I have witnessed a dear friend’s son who has been excommunicated try each Sunday to return to church. He sits alone at the back of the chapel and is very rarely addressed except by those who have great understanding to the challenges that accompany church courts and the inevitable consequences. It isn’t easy to have so many people aware of your “supposed sins” because, come on; do we every really know the full truth?
Another case in point.
This past year, as I have faced the greatest challenge to what I know to be true and because of the anger that is residual from my past I made a very heart rendering choice. My testimony had waivered; whether from a challenge to my belief system or anger from a past that remains unresolved I knew that had I been given a choice to be baptized at that moment I was not sure I could answer yes. I didn’t know what I believed anymore except that the gospel of Jesus Christ was my foothold and that I understood. I felt that attendance at the temple and even partaking of the sacrament and renewing covenants I wasn’t sure of was maybe something I needed to rethink. So I made a decision, knowing full well that I would be scrutinized and that there would be many who would judge. I would cease to do both until I could come to terms with where I was spiritually.
For almost 8 months I challenged myself and worked through all that I had once taken for granted. I read and searched for answers and knew that each time, as the sacrament passed me that there would be many who would just judge me and make inaccurate assumptions because Wayne and I had not married in the temple. The Bishop did his best to help by calling me to teach RS and by having me pray in sacrament meeting but there are always those who never try and see the picture as it is but for what it isn’t.
W was so amazing through this whole process. He sat beside me each sacrament meeting and cushioned me from the stares and mostly he was patient as I struggled to know again, to believe again and then to commit again to the gospel of our faith we share. Thank you for that W! You were a life saver.
So, as I was going through this, I remembered my good friend D and her struggle with joining the church. She had investigated for years and her active and strong husband stood by her. She remembered the day she finally realized that she had spent so much time waiting for that great AHA moment to happen when she’d be struck down by the thunder of truth and in reality, her truth was ebbing its way into her heart. Sometimes just believing that something makes you a better person; that being united as a family is more important than the absolute witness. She knew that with time, it would permeate her being and it would just be a part of her. I could describe her as the best RS President I have ever met, not to mention, the best YM and Primary Pres as well but she absolutely could be described as a wonderful daughter, sister, Mom and wife as well as someone who balances the gospel with everyday living better than anyone I know. Her example brought me to my balance. Her example helped me to see past the pain.
My whole belief system has changed. I no longer describe myself in the same way. Though I have now come full circle and renew my covenants both of the sacrament and in the temple it is done on such a personal level that I almost feel guilty. My truths and my faith in them are self evident and how someone else looks on it is unimportant to me. I am my Father in Heaven’s daughter and his mercy coupled with my efforts can result in a united cause. I know that this faith is a part of me and that He has given me so much. To walk away would be wrong. As hard as it is to feel accepted by those in my faith I am still a part of it and for that I am defined. Is this a result of a wounded maturing or the consequences of a difficult road travelled?
Well, I can’t answer that but let me write to the results?
W and I went to the WP ward Canada Day breakfast. We walked there because it was just a few blocks from our home and we brought our precious Rocky with us. As we approached my father we were accosted by a crotchety old member of the HP quorum. Someone I have known since I was a very little girl. He came after us for having Rocky there and did so in the unkindest of ways. After saying the same thing over 10 times I looked over to W upon which W said to Brother D, “we heard you and we will move in a moment”. The exchange was over nearly as quickly as it had started and we never thought of it again except to say how sad it was for someone to be so uptight about something so irrelevant.
Later that week we heard that something had been said about this HP’s behavior and it was then that I realized how little effect these kind of interactions have on me now. Is it that I just don’t care anymore or is it that I have more self esteem so I am not as vulnerable to insult? Either way; I am a better person now, thank goodness, and as for my being active and taking on the renewal of my covenants in a much more reticent way. I think, for the most part, I am living my life for myself more than ever. I seek out ways to be of service not for others to see it but for the purpose of making the world a better place.
I have truly come to understand the meaning of the AtOneMent.
So what am I on about this time?
“Everything is self evident.” ~ Rene Descates
Distinctions
“Distinctions between citizens solely because of their ancestry are by their very nature odious to a free people whose institutions are founded upon the doctrine of equality”
Harlan Stone
Things matter most when you place value on them, and by things I mean everything. Objects, people, places, tangible connections to people, we all give value as we assign it to them. An idea can hold great value and motivate an individual to great heights just as a desire but mostly what drives importance is how we individually esteem it. This, I believe, is where cultures, families, workplaces fall apart.
This happens when
a.) Value is placed inappropriately and
b.) no value is placed where it is most needed.
The CEO of my company sent this out in an “ALL Calgary” email the other day.
You are invited to submit responses to the question below for the Calgary Quarterly Staff meeting.
This is a three-part question. Please answer in 50 words or less NO LATER THAN 12:00 NOON TUESDAY, JUNE 8, 2010. Please note, all responses will be held in the strictest confidence and will remain anonymous.
1) In your professional life here at (blank) what “guides” you?
2) Could you suggest anything that (blank)may (or may not) add to our Mission Statement and if so, what would you suggest? (No promises!)
To develop people to work together to create value for the Company’s shareholders by doing it right with fun and integrity.
3) If your suggestion WAS added to (Blank) Mission Statement, how would you behave differently?
Thank you,
Name Witheld ; Chairman
Company Name
After everyone on the floor chuckled I thought about how in so many ways I admire the man and yet in others I wonder. Big thinking thought here; and for all intents and purposes what I think of him really is low on any matter scale to just about anyone in the company. With being a pencil pushing, report generating LOW SLUG ON THE TOTEM POLE kind of employee even in writing something what could I ever offer a man worth billions of dollars and making multi trillion dollar decisions on a daily basis? My guess would be nothing, I am sure.
So I thought about the statement. Big Kaunas is a guru of the great Stephen Covey and believes in all things “7 Habit’s plus the 8 and so on and so on and so on”. I’ve read all the books and think there are just as dynamic as the next guy but under it all, what are all of us and what matters in my world that would ever matter in his?
The other day, I got on the elevator. Now, BIG KAUNAS knows who I am because some of the reports I generate do matter a bit. He asked if any of us on the elevator had seen a show on TV the night before. Weird hey, it was a pretty strange question? Then he asked what we thought the show said about women and their place in society. There were about three of us on the elevator and I had already had the heads up that he could sometimes do this. So BIG MOUTH that I am gave a straight forward and honest answer and was finished just as the elevator door opened on my floor. “Thanks!” he said and I walked off. “Didn’t that intimidate you?” my friend asked and then it hit me. He is just a guy who asked a question and I was just the person who answered it. It didn’t occur to me that he was any more or less important than the question asked and it never occurred to me that my opinion probably mattered nothing to him. It was just an exchange of conversation between two people existing together in a world filled with people.
The world can sometimes assign value to things that really, logically, have no value in it. My family line is “Landed Gentry” and our family name resides in the “Landed Gentry Registry” for England. Because my English ancestors were land owners and Lords and Ladies for some reason it made us more special. I would have loved those people to run across my Great grandfather who ran away from that craziness and had the adventure of a lifetime surveying the Mackenzie River system and Gold Rushing in the Klondike. He ended up Tugging Boats and Log Booms in the Georgia Straight and from what I have heard loved his life and all things in it. He avoided his English family and lived a simple and easy life on the banks of the Courtney River. He died just a few years before my birth but the legacy he left is honored and he remains a beloved member of the history of the Comox Valley.
I reflect often on cultural placement, the pecking order of the playground to the church pew and with all the heart I can muster I tend to generally snub my nose at it. I will never be a fifth or sixth generation Momo and I am not sure why that makes a difference in the abilities I have but for some it does. It’s sad really because I think for the most part people at church really don’t give a hoot how many generations of Mormon you are but still very much honor the pioneer stories and the people who lived them. There were some pretty humungous sacrifices made back then and we all honor them.
We all have some kind of pioneering heritage and with that we have great history running through our bones. My great great grandfather was a pretty incredible man. He was the ambassador to Prussia, owned the Daily Newspaper in London and was an all around amazing fellow. Because his blood runs through my bones it doesn’t make me better or worse that any other person. This is what my great grandma taught me as she was one of the “Homesteading Act” pioneers to travel to Canada on a large steamer and then on a train from Montreal to Winnipeg and finally a wagon to a small homestead this side of Balzac. And by the way – she was the most stubborn Scottish woman you could ever come across and made my grannies life a shear hell in the process. Her life is as much a testament to greatness as the landed gentry side and just as a side note, had any of these ancestors of mine not travelled or become pioneers I would never have had an opportunity to exist. My Dad’s family would have never allowed the union.
History can define us on so many levels and who we are – where we come from matters to how far we have all come but one person is no greater or lesser in the eyes of God for any reason imaginable and proclaiming so is counterproductive to His great plan of salvation – and for the years I was told that “adoption in” makes some one less in heaven I call **** ****. God sees us all as equals with equal opportunity and I believe He holds us accountable to our own truths. This is the gospel according to S. I believe in a benevolent and kind God who sees colours and not just black and white. I’m still typing so thunder bolts have not struck me down. I guess that opinion is forgivable.
So what am I on about? Living and breathing together in a world united by sameness in quality and character.
“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” ~ Mitch Albom
Harlan Stone
Things matter most when you place value on them, and by things I mean everything. Objects, people, places, tangible connections to people, we all give value as we assign it to them. An idea can hold great value and motivate an individual to great heights just as a desire but mostly what drives importance is how we individually esteem it. This, I believe, is where cultures, families, workplaces fall apart.
This happens when
a.) Value is placed inappropriately and
b.) no value is placed where it is most needed.
The CEO of my company sent this out in an “ALL Calgary” email the other day.
You are invited to submit responses to the question below for the Calgary Quarterly Staff meeting.
This is a three-part question. Please answer in 50 words or less NO LATER THAN 12:00 NOON TUESDAY, JUNE 8, 2010. Please note, all responses will be held in the strictest confidence and will remain anonymous.
1) In your professional life here at (blank) what “guides” you?
2) Could you suggest anything that (blank)may (or may not) add to our Mission Statement and if so, what would you suggest? (No promises!)
To develop people to work together to create value for the Company’s shareholders by doing it right with fun and integrity.
3) If your suggestion WAS added to (Blank) Mission Statement, how would you behave differently?
Thank you,
Name Witheld ; Chairman
Company Name
After everyone on the floor chuckled I thought about how in so many ways I admire the man and yet in others I wonder. Big thinking thought here; and for all intents and purposes what I think of him really is low on any matter scale to just about anyone in the company. With being a pencil pushing, report generating LOW SLUG ON THE TOTEM POLE kind of employee even in writing something what could I ever offer a man worth billions of dollars and making multi trillion dollar decisions on a daily basis? My guess would be nothing, I am sure.
So I thought about the statement. Big Kaunas is a guru of the great Stephen Covey and believes in all things “7 Habit’s plus the 8 and so on and so on and so on”. I’ve read all the books and think there are just as dynamic as the next guy but under it all, what are all of us and what matters in my world that would ever matter in his?
The other day, I got on the elevator. Now, BIG KAUNAS knows who I am because some of the reports I generate do matter a bit. He asked if any of us on the elevator had seen a show on TV the night before. Weird hey, it was a pretty strange question? Then he asked what we thought the show said about women and their place in society. There were about three of us on the elevator and I had already had the heads up that he could sometimes do this. So BIG MOUTH that I am gave a straight forward and honest answer and was finished just as the elevator door opened on my floor. “Thanks!” he said and I walked off. “Didn’t that intimidate you?” my friend asked and then it hit me. He is just a guy who asked a question and I was just the person who answered it. It didn’t occur to me that he was any more or less important than the question asked and it never occurred to me that my opinion probably mattered nothing to him. It was just an exchange of conversation between two people existing together in a world filled with people.
The world can sometimes assign value to things that really, logically, have no value in it. My family line is “Landed Gentry” and our family name resides in the “Landed Gentry Registry” for England. Because my English ancestors were land owners and Lords and Ladies for some reason it made us more special. I would have loved those people to run across my Great grandfather who ran away from that craziness and had the adventure of a lifetime surveying the Mackenzie River system and Gold Rushing in the Klondike. He ended up Tugging Boats and Log Booms in the Georgia Straight and from what I have heard loved his life and all things in it. He avoided his English family and lived a simple and easy life on the banks of the Courtney River. He died just a few years before my birth but the legacy he left is honored and he remains a beloved member of the history of the Comox Valley.
I reflect often on cultural placement, the pecking order of the playground to the church pew and with all the heart I can muster I tend to generally snub my nose at it. I will never be a fifth or sixth generation Momo and I am not sure why that makes a difference in the abilities I have but for some it does. It’s sad really because I think for the most part people at church really don’t give a hoot how many generations of Mormon you are but still very much honor the pioneer stories and the people who lived them. There were some pretty humungous sacrifices made back then and we all honor them.
We all have some kind of pioneering heritage and with that we have great history running through our bones. My great great grandfather was a pretty incredible man. He was the ambassador to Prussia, owned the Daily Newspaper in London and was an all around amazing fellow. Because his blood runs through my bones it doesn’t make me better or worse that any other person. This is what my great grandma taught me as she was one of the “Homesteading Act” pioneers to travel to Canada on a large steamer and then on a train from Montreal to Winnipeg and finally a wagon to a small homestead this side of Balzac. And by the way – she was the most stubborn Scottish woman you could ever come across and made my grannies life a shear hell in the process. Her life is as much a testament to greatness as the landed gentry side and just as a side note, had any of these ancestors of mine not travelled or become pioneers I would never have had an opportunity to exist. My Dad’s family would have never allowed the union.
History can define us on so many levels and who we are – where we come from matters to how far we have all come but one person is no greater or lesser in the eyes of God for any reason imaginable and proclaiming so is counterproductive to His great plan of salvation – and for the years I was told that “adoption in” makes some one less in heaven I call **** ****. God sees us all as equals with equal opportunity and I believe He holds us accountable to our own truths. This is the gospel according to S. I believe in a benevolent and kind God who sees colours and not just black and white. I’m still typing so thunder bolts have not struck me down. I guess that opinion is forgivable.
So what am I on about? Living and breathing together in a world united by sameness in quality and character.
“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” ~ Mitch Albom
The Web of Life
"The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together. Our virtues would be proud if our faults whipt them not; and our crimes would despair if they were not cherish'd by our virtues." ~ William Shakespeare All’s Well That Ends Well
I’ve been blogging now for just about two years. As I go back and reread all the entries, the emotions and events come flooding back and I am able to evaluate growth and weaknesses that I have experienced and to what extent I have changed. Change is an essential element to a better and emotionally healthy life. The process of life is to find purpose in the journey but more importantly to seek the joy that life offers. That can be so hard sometimes. We can easily be overwhelmed by our own expectations as well as cultural demands that others place on us. Balance is the key and one must never assume that once you’ve found it that it will always be there. The scales of life shift constantly and finding balance is always an ongoing process.
I have come at this very principle full throttle these last few days and I have had a tumultuous few weeks. Here’s what I am on about.
Winter just doesn’t want to leave us here in the Great White North. It’s May 2010 and we are still having weather warnings and winter storm warnings and it makes you wonder; is it ever going to end?
Lately, my life has felt like that. Just when I thought I had all the doubts licked they are plaguing me again and I have to bind myself is all the positive energy I can muster and purge the “what ifs”. The oxymoron here is I have never had the kind of happiness I have experienced these past few months ever in my life so I find myself in near utter confusion. How can someone be so happy and be stalked by doubt. I’m not saying doubt in my new life but the kind of doubt that reaches deep within your soul that makes you wonder if everything you have accomplished emotionally is really just a house of cards ready to fall down. Do others have moments like this?
I know where my fears lie. The “what if’s” are stalking me and I am doing all that I can do eliminate them from my thought processes. I had this under control and “out of control” it turns me into something I am not content with. Yikes, I need to find the strength that pulled me through these last few years and understand new life as compared to old life. The consoling part of this equation is that I know I have it in me, I know I can rise above this. I know it’s there.
I can give you all the reasons why my life became unbalanced again but lets suffice it to say that I let the opinions of others get under my emotional skin. I may not ever measure up to some but that’s not important because measuring up to myself is much more valuable and knowing who I am helps tremendously with that. Maybe I started to loss sight of that. Maybe I let the door open to the doubt. Goodness knows I have had that lesson taught to me a bazillion times.
So last night as I was talking to my wonderful, beautiful, accepting and cherished new husband and he was again showing immense patience at the incongruity of my thoughts he said the most amazing thing and just like that, I got it. Wow, I can’t even describe the feeling I had as I realized that as crazy as I sounded he understood and without criticizing we found a solution together. He in turn spoke to his anxieties and the back and forth of emotional acceptance and understanding began melting me more into love with him, as if that could even be possible, more in love, and yet I was.
“It is an uneasy lot at best, to be what we call highly taught and yet not to enjoy: to be present at this great spectacle of life and never to be liberated from a small hungry shivering self--never to be fully possessed by the glory we behold, never to have our consciousness rapturously transformed into the vividness of a thought, the ardor of a passion, the energy of an action, but always to be scholarly and uninspired, ambitious and timid, scrupulous and dim-sighted.”
~ George Elliot – Middlemarch
When you spend a good portion of your life with the paradigm of fault being the constant reference getting out of that rut can be a bit of a process. I would be remiss if I didn’t fully acknowledge healing and growth and wonder at a new and better life. Today, I said to my beautiful sister, that W was easy as a husband. That’s neither a fault nor a put down. W is easy because he loves fully, forgives easily and expects only what he gives. When he’s mad, you know, when he’s happy, he’s infectious and when he loves, it makes you feel safe. For so many years, all I ever wanted was to feel safe. Each day I am greeted by a text or a phone call and it is from my BEST FRIEND. Through out the day we text and call and in the evening, he is generally the last person I speak to. I never grow tired of his jokes or his words of advice or encouragement and I love his patience with me. He’s says I tell him 10 times I am going to do something before I actually get it done but that I do get it done eventually. I love that once is all I have to ask so I need to be careful what I ask for.
Now, please don’t assume that this new life of mine is all roses and cream. We are getting used to each other and the main difference is in the effort. W isn’t perfect and I am even farther from it but we know that, we actually get that and we find such humor in the kerfuffle’s that we find ourselves in. The other day, we went for a ride to Waterton Park. We had finished and the shortest way home was to turn left. The unknown was right and a much farther drive. As I was sitting there, I turned to him and asked, want to go on an adventure? Sure enough, the answer was yes. That’s what I love most about him. The adventure!
I’ve been blogging now for just about two years. As I go back and reread all the entries, the emotions and events come flooding back and I am able to evaluate growth and weaknesses that I have experienced and to what extent I have changed. Change is an essential element to a better and emotionally healthy life. The process of life is to find purpose in the journey but more importantly to seek the joy that life offers. That can be so hard sometimes. We can easily be overwhelmed by our own expectations as well as cultural demands that others place on us. Balance is the key and one must never assume that once you’ve found it that it will always be there. The scales of life shift constantly and finding balance is always an ongoing process.
I have come at this very principle full throttle these last few days and I have had a tumultuous few weeks. Here’s what I am on about.
Winter just doesn’t want to leave us here in the Great White North. It’s May 2010 and we are still having weather warnings and winter storm warnings and it makes you wonder; is it ever going to end?
Lately, my life has felt like that. Just when I thought I had all the doubts licked they are plaguing me again and I have to bind myself is all the positive energy I can muster and purge the “what ifs”. The oxymoron here is I have never had the kind of happiness I have experienced these past few months ever in my life so I find myself in near utter confusion. How can someone be so happy and be stalked by doubt. I’m not saying doubt in my new life but the kind of doubt that reaches deep within your soul that makes you wonder if everything you have accomplished emotionally is really just a house of cards ready to fall down. Do others have moments like this?
I know where my fears lie. The “what if’s” are stalking me and I am doing all that I can do eliminate them from my thought processes. I had this under control and “out of control” it turns me into something I am not content with. Yikes, I need to find the strength that pulled me through these last few years and understand new life as compared to old life. The consoling part of this equation is that I know I have it in me, I know I can rise above this. I know it’s there.
I can give you all the reasons why my life became unbalanced again but lets suffice it to say that I let the opinions of others get under my emotional skin. I may not ever measure up to some but that’s not important because measuring up to myself is much more valuable and knowing who I am helps tremendously with that. Maybe I started to loss sight of that. Maybe I let the door open to the doubt. Goodness knows I have had that lesson taught to me a bazillion times.
So last night as I was talking to my wonderful, beautiful, accepting and cherished new husband and he was again showing immense patience at the incongruity of my thoughts he said the most amazing thing and just like that, I got it. Wow, I can’t even describe the feeling I had as I realized that as crazy as I sounded he understood and without criticizing we found a solution together. He in turn spoke to his anxieties and the back and forth of emotional acceptance and understanding began melting me more into love with him, as if that could even be possible, more in love, and yet I was.
“It is an uneasy lot at best, to be what we call highly taught and yet not to enjoy: to be present at this great spectacle of life and never to be liberated from a small hungry shivering self--never to be fully possessed by the glory we behold, never to have our consciousness rapturously transformed into the vividness of a thought, the ardor of a passion, the energy of an action, but always to be scholarly and uninspired, ambitious and timid, scrupulous and dim-sighted.”
~ George Elliot – Middlemarch
When you spend a good portion of your life with the paradigm of fault being the constant reference getting out of that rut can be a bit of a process. I would be remiss if I didn’t fully acknowledge healing and growth and wonder at a new and better life. Today, I said to my beautiful sister, that W was easy as a husband. That’s neither a fault nor a put down. W is easy because he loves fully, forgives easily and expects only what he gives. When he’s mad, you know, when he’s happy, he’s infectious and when he loves, it makes you feel safe. For so many years, all I ever wanted was to feel safe. Each day I am greeted by a text or a phone call and it is from my BEST FRIEND. Through out the day we text and call and in the evening, he is generally the last person I speak to. I never grow tired of his jokes or his words of advice or encouragement and I love his patience with me. He’s says I tell him 10 times I am going to do something before I actually get it done but that I do get it done eventually. I love that once is all I have to ask so I need to be careful what I ask for.
Now, please don’t assume that this new life of mine is all roses and cream. We are getting used to each other and the main difference is in the effort. W isn’t perfect and I am even farther from it but we know that, we actually get that and we find such humor in the kerfuffle’s that we find ourselves in. The other day, we went for a ride to Waterton Park. We had finished and the shortest way home was to turn left. The unknown was right and a much farther drive. As I was sitting there, I turned to him and asked, want to go on an adventure? Sure enough, the answer was yes. That’s what I love most about him. The adventure!
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”
My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
You are going to get it when we get home.
And my all time favorite thing-JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”
And she thought no one was listening.
–author unknown
Did you ever wake up in the morning and think that just once; you would like to make it through the day with only the positive and productive aspects being recognized. I struggle for reasons best left unwritten with focusing on what I do right rather than wrong and there are some days when everyone around me seems to be focusing on what I don’t do as well. I have learned to not rely on others for the building of esteem but wow, sometimes, it just sucks to be walking my path.
I believe that your heart can be the answer to your journey’s correct navigation. Looking within and figuring out just where it stands can make a humongous difference in befalling to a pity party and just feeling the sting of an unhappy connection.
So, what am I on about?
Life’s is full of lemons, trying to hide from it just isn’t the best game play to a beautiful journey. Case in point.
For ever I have felt tremendous guilt over the lives my children had for a major portion of their growing up years. Why didn’t I do something sooner, why was I such a coward and was there anything I could have done to change things? Reality is that I was as equally stuck between a rock and a hard place as they were and thousands of dollars spent both inside and out of LDS Counseling has helped me to understand that.
I am now learning the social awareness of boundaries and owning what is mine to own and what isn’t and along the way I disappoint my kids sometimes. Let me explain in the only way I know how; stories.
Mom or Grandma L to others had many sayings that defined the philosophies of life she best ascribed to provident living. You know, “Don’t throw stones in glass houses”, and the famous one of “loving you more”. I never appreciated her life lessons and the way in which she taught them until well after she had gone. I can hardly wait to thank her when the time comes because even now her words resonate in my heart and I am able to find the path best suited for the situations I find myself in.
On with the story; when I was seventeen and spoiled, self absorbed and thinking I was all that and then some, Mom taught me a lesson that until just recently I never fully appreciated. She and my Grandma P were going to Hawaii for spring break 79 and then some. Grandma had been diagnosed with colon cancer and was in need of away time, Grandpa P was in a full blown case of alcoholism because he wasn’t dealing very well with her cancer and the whole situation was pretty awful. I was in my last year of high school and was in a “holy than thou” state. The combination was lethal and yet Mom was so patient and knew that principle of stages and souls.
At the time I was in a very ridiculous relationship or should I say triangle with a good girl/bad girl twist, I being the good girl and he being very enamored with the bad girl and it was so on and off that even Enmax was complaining. Mom had tried on numerous occasions to try a help me see the light and had even pulled the “I don’t like him” card which very rarely happened, only twice that I can remember, go figure. Well, first love (I write that loosely because he was in no way that but back then I thought so) had decided to dump me just prior to spring break and Grad planning. I was devastated and heart broken and completely self absorbed in pity and Mom never once said “I told you so” she kind of just listened and consoled.
Well, I had a brilliant idea, take me to Hawaii with you, on short notice none the less, so that I could escape the embarrassment and heart ache of it all. Mom listened and said “NO”. Well, I didn’t think that was fair and so I complained some more and even threw a tantrum of monumental proportions and even then, “NO”! Well, how unfair was that. She left and I sulked. How could a mother do such a thing? We were the youngest and trustworthy so we were left to our own devices as she left for Hawaii and I mopped around and for a solid week remained ticked. Mom didn’t love me, she abandoned me at a time I needed her most and the selfish brat that I was never once thought about my beautiful, wonderful, amazing grandmother who was being taken to Hawaii to escape a pretty horrible situation to rest after cancer treatment. Yeah, I know, I was the epitome of a selfish spoiled rotten teenager brat!
That week, as I wrestled this heart ache alone I learned a lot about myself. An old boyfriend who had just gotten his mission call phoned and said he had heard that I might be free, was I up to a date. Well, suffice it to say I went and we reconnected into a warm and wonderful friendship and I learned that as self absorbed as I was at least I could see my heart and know that this time that I had alone to face the demons of a crappy ex-boyfriend and a healthy perspective on everything around me gave me wings to finally get out of myself and feel for the others around me. I wouldn’t say it happened all at once but Mom saying “NO” made me think that she wasn’t always going to fix everything for me, that sometimes I had to fix it myself.
Fast forward 30 plus years and put a whole lot of living into further perspective and now I can see the big picture of learning. That “NO” was monumental. That “NO” made me realize that you don’t always get what you want and that knowing the whole picture can help you feel for the needs of others around you. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for Mom. She told me through these days before she left for Hawaii that I would never understand why she was doing what she was doing until I had my own children. She was so right.
“No” is such a hard word for me. I hate saying it and more than that I hate following through with it but just as Mom knew that it was an essential tool for me in learning the big picture, I too feel very much the same. These past few months I have had to say it or follow through with actions that seem very hard. I hope that in time my kids, once they have kids of their own may find it in their hearts to understand why I say “NO” and how vital it is to their growing. I hope they will eventually see the reasons.
Another story, or for lack of a better word, analogy; that old mother bird pushing the baby bird out of the nest. There are some that once pushed fly like no other, and then there are some that struggle and fall to the ground. Mom flies down but the danger is immense and she squawks and squawks and pushes until that baby bird finally tries and realizes it has wings and it rises up. Then there are some that it just takes a number of times and with each one there is danger.
I love my kids and guilt has stopped me from pushing them out of the emotional nest. I’m not talking about the physical leaving of my home. I am writing to the emotional nest and because that’s what I am working on I am feeling the sting of complaint. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done as a Mom and it is not an overnight job. This is what I am writing about when I wrote that after however many years I am still learning. Saying “NO” is the hardest thing I do with my kids and sometimes I fail miserably. I hope that they too, in time, will understand that my words and actions aren’t out of spite or disregard but love. I need them to stand on their own and they can’t do that if I keep saying yes.
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”
My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
You are going to get it when we get home.
And my all time favorite thing-JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”
And she thought no one was listening.
–author unknown
Did you ever wake up in the morning and think that just once; you would like to make it through the day with only the positive and productive aspects being recognized. I struggle for reasons best left unwritten with focusing on what I do right rather than wrong and there are some days when everyone around me seems to be focusing on what I don’t do as well. I have learned to not rely on others for the building of esteem but wow, sometimes, it just sucks to be walking my path.
I believe that your heart can be the answer to your journey’s correct navigation. Looking within and figuring out just where it stands can make a humongous difference in befalling to a pity party and just feeling the sting of an unhappy connection.
So, what am I on about?
Life’s is full of lemons, trying to hide from it just isn’t the best game play to a beautiful journey. Case in point.
For ever I have felt tremendous guilt over the lives my children had for a major portion of their growing up years. Why didn’t I do something sooner, why was I such a coward and was there anything I could have done to change things? Reality is that I was as equally stuck between a rock and a hard place as they were and thousands of dollars spent both inside and out of LDS Counseling has helped me to understand that.
I am now learning the social awareness of boundaries and owning what is mine to own and what isn’t and along the way I disappoint my kids sometimes. Let me explain in the only way I know how; stories.
Mom or Grandma L to others had many sayings that defined the philosophies of life she best ascribed to provident living. You know, “Don’t throw stones in glass houses”, and the famous one of “loving you more”. I never appreciated her life lessons and the way in which she taught them until well after she had gone. I can hardly wait to thank her when the time comes because even now her words resonate in my heart and I am able to find the path best suited for the situations I find myself in.
On with the story; when I was seventeen and spoiled, self absorbed and thinking I was all that and then some, Mom taught me a lesson that until just recently I never fully appreciated. She and my Grandma P were going to Hawaii for spring break 79 and then some. Grandma had been diagnosed with colon cancer and was in need of away time, Grandpa P was in a full blown case of alcoholism because he wasn’t dealing very well with her cancer and the whole situation was pretty awful. I was in my last year of high school and was in a “holy than thou” state. The combination was lethal and yet Mom was so patient and knew that principle of stages and souls.
At the time I was in a very ridiculous relationship or should I say triangle with a good girl/bad girl twist, I being the good girl and he being very enamored with the bad girl and it was so on and off that even Enmax was complaining. Mom had tried on numerous occasions to try a help me see the light and had even pulled the “I don’t like him” card which very rarely happened, only twice that I can remember, go figure. Well, first love (I write that loosely because he was in no way that but back then I thought so) had decided to dump me just prior to spring break and Grad planning. I was devastated and heart broken and completely self absorbed in pity and Mom never once said “I told you so” she kind of just listened and consoled.
Well, I had a brilliant idea, take me to Hawaii with you, on short notice none the less, so that I could escape the embarrassment and heart ache of it all. Mom listened and said “NO”. Well, I didn’t think that was fair and so I complained some more and even threw a tantrum of monumental proportions and even then, “NO”! Well, how unfair was that. She left and I sulked. How could a mother do such a thing? We were the youngest and trustworthy so we were left to our own devices as she left for Hawaii and I mopped around and for a solid week remained ticked. Mom didn’t love me, she abandoned me at a time I needed her most and the selfish brat that I was never once thought about my beautiful, wonderful, amazing grandmother who was being taken to Hawaii to escape a pretty horrible situation to rest after cancer treatment. Yeah, I know, I was the epitome of a selfish spoiled rotten teenager brat!
That week, as I wrestled this heart ache alone I learned a lot about myself. An old boyfriend who had just gotten his mission call phoned and said he had heard that I might be free, was I up to a date. Well, suffice it to say I went and we reconnected into a warm and wonderful friendship and I learned that as self absorbed as I was at least I could see my heart and know that this time that I had alone to face the demons of a crappy ex-boyfriend and a healthy perspective on everything around me gave me wings to finally get out of myself and feel for the others around me. I wouldn’t say it happened all at once but Mom saying “NO” made me think that she wasn’t always going to fix everything for me, that sometimes I had to fix it myself.
Fast forward 30 plus years and put a whole lot of living into further perspective and now I can see the big picture of learning. That “NO” was monumental. That “NO” made me realize that you don’t always get what you want and that knowing the whole picture can help you feel for the needs of others around you. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for Mom. She told me through these days before she left for Hawaii that I would never understand why she was doing what she was doing until I had my own children. She was so right.
“No” is such a hard word for me. I hate saying it and more than that I hate following through with it but just as Mom knew that it was an essential tool for me in learning the big picture, I too feel very much the same. These past few months I have had to say it or follow through with actions that seem very hard. I hope that in time my kids, once they have kids of their own may find it in their hearts to understand why I say “NO” and how vital it is to their growing. I hope they will eventually see the reasons.
Another story, or for lack of a better word, analogy; that old mother bird pushing the baby bird out of the nest. There are some that once pushed fly like no other, and then there are some that struggle and fall to the ground. Mom flies down but the danger is immense and she squawks and squawks and pushes until that baby bird finally tries and realizes it has wings and it rises up. Then there are some that it just takes a number of times and with each one there is danger.
I love my kids and guilt has stopped me from pushing them out of the emotional nest. I’m not talking about the physical leaving of my home. I am writing to the emotional nest and because that’s what I am working on I am feeling the sting of complaint. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done as a Mom and it is not an overnight job. This is what I am writing about when I wrote that after however many years I am still learning. Saying “NO” is the hardest thing I do with my kids and sometimes I fail miserably. I hope that they too, in time, will understand that my words and actions aren’t out of spite or disregard but love. I need them to stand on their own and they can’t do that if I keep saying yes.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Fortitude in Times that Challenge Us
“Perfect wisdom has four parts, viz., wisdom, the principle of doing things aright; justice, the principle of doing things equally in public and private; fortitude, the principle of not flying danger, but meeting it; and temperance, the principle of subduing desires and living moderately.” ~ Plato
life has a way of getting in the way of blogging. I have been so busy with so much that I have failed at finding the time to write. By doing so I have not had the chance to purge the feelings that build up and then, I have a harder time figuring out the pathways I should take. I so often find that as I type the words the layers of my concerns settle and I have an easier time of seeing things for as they really are. Lesson learned.
It was a hard month and many choices were presented and decisions had to be made. More boundaries had to be placed and more feelings worked through and in the end, I still am not sure I ever do the right thing I know I follow the consciousness of my heart and head.
The cancellation process has started and is now in the hands of leaders and the ex. I have been exercising more faith than I ever have in my life and prayer seems the only form of peace. I spoke with someone today who needed to understand my past to help me with the future. It was interesting because even as I type it my paradigm has come near full circle. As much as the truth is subjective it simply doesn't matter anymore to prove anything to anyone. Time has a way of showing character and bad deeds are never rewarded. I have such a full and beautiful life and for that, I am most grateful.
As W and I continue on in our marriage and life throws us inevitable curve balls it astounds me at how important trusted and respectful communication can enhance our marriage. I Love this man so much, I would walk through any obstacle to be with him because in the end, his love completes me. I am most grateful for that.
It's funny how much I have come to understand myself and my own weaknesses. What's even more telling is how little afraid I am of them. I still have issues with others judging me but I think that's a universal concern and the best way to resolve it is to simply to my best to never pass judgement.
It has been a hard month but a growing month and goodness knows I still have a lot to learn.
I still love this journey and needed to just let you all know.
life has a way of getting in the way of blogging. I have been so busy with so much that I have failed at finding the time to write. By doing so I have not had the chance to purge the feelings that build up and then, I have a harder time figuring out the pathways I should take. I so often find that as I type the words the layers of my concerns settle and I have an easier time of seeing things for as they really are. Lesson learned.
It was a hard month and many choices were presented and decisions had to be made. More boundaries had to be placed and more feelings worked through and in the end, I still am not sure I ever do the right thing I know I follow the consciousness of my heart and head.
The cancellation process has started and is now in the hands of leaders and the ex. I have been exercising more faith than I ever have in my life and prayer seems the only form of peace. I spoke with someone today who needed to understand my past to help me with the future. It was interesting because even as I type it my paradigm has come near full circle. As much as the truth is subjective it simply doesn't matter anymore to prove anything to anyone. Time has a way of showing character and bad deeds are never rewarded. I have such a full and beautiful life and for that, I am most grateful.
As W and I continue on in our marriage and life throws us inevitable curve balls it astounds me at how important trusted and respectful communication can enhance our marriage. I Love this man so much, I would walk through any obstacle to be with him because in the end, his love completes me. I am most grateful for that.
It's funny how much I have come to understand myself and my own weaknesses. What's even more telling is how little afraid I am of them. I still have issues with others judging me but I think that's a universal concern and the best way to resolve it is to simply to my best to never pass judgement.
It has been a hard month but a growing month and goodness knows I still have a lot to learn.
I still love this journey and needed to just let you all know.