Imperfections and Failures

"My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Failure on every level is exhausting and it seems I have done more of it than I care to admit to especially these last few months. But this one week ago Sunday I bombed beyond bombing and I am having the hardest time standing back up.

I was asked by another teacher in RS to make up her Sunday which was the 11th. Without checking the subject or lesson I agreed and went about my day. After later looking up what I had agreed to I had wished with all my heart I had checked before I said yes. . If I hadn’t of asked her to cover my lesson the month before I would have phoned back and bagged out. What had I agreed to?

I prayed and I searched and I prayed some more and I even got to a place where I felt confident. That was my first mistake. Never, ever, ever get to a place where confidence resides because that is the place where falling flat on you face follows.

The topic of the lesson was ‘The Priesthood”. Not bad, I know, but one of the sub topics was a discussion on honoring the priesthood. Every time I went there all of the demons came out and all I could hear in my head was “YOU MUST FOLLOW MY PRIESTHOOD”, and “I have the Priesthood and you must do what I tell you” and “If only you would follow my priesthood there would be no problems”. It was his siren call and it is what he told anyone who would listen when we were separating was the ONLY reason our marriage was ending. It was the one thing that crushed me beyond crushing. I knew I honored the priesthood, I knew I respected the priesthood; I just couldn’t bring myself or my children to be abused any further from his unrighteous use of it. It was so difficult. It was so painful, it was opening up so many almost healed wounds.

With plenty of counseling and time passing I have been able to understand the Priesthood and its appropriate use. I have been able to discern when and where it’s to function and just how it functions. I am married to a man who in the honoring of the Priesthood it becomes inspiring. I thought I had my emotions in check and yet, boy, was I wrong. What happened to my family has no other word for it but extreme spiritual abuse and finding our way back has been hard fought. A wiser woman might have seen how teaching on this topic would open old wounds. Boy did it ever. It laid them bare for all to see. Every weakness I have came out and was exposed to every woman in that room and IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

Note to self: take a pass on a subject like this. It’s more beneficial to all involved. And to the understanding from those who hugged me after I owe my emotional life. I was ready to be absolutely done, to NEVER walk into that room again because after all the work I have done to get over the years of abuse as a family we suffered through, I simply dropped it all and felt like I would have to start all over again.

The one comment from the women most expected to give it stung very deep until I realized that her perspective is only what M said and she is not the type to care much of another person’s shoes. I guess the positive aspect here is the recognition of that fact was immediate and the words didn’t hurt for very long.

So the solution, as hard as it will be, is to recognize that I am going to have to get back on that horse in a couple of months and trust that I can teach without emotion with the aid of the Lord.

A says the lesson was for me and to remember that. If it had to happen for that alone then so be it. Her words “I hope your able to shack this off and not hold onto it, it is part of your past, and now part of the future. We are what we are yesterday, today we get to start again, always remember that, it is the atonement in action.” With those words you now can know why I admire her so.

I hate picking up the pieces when I drop them! Maybe what I should think about is that it is getting easier and easier to pick them up. Failure is a part of me in a very real way. I think I will be spending the next while talking myself into standing before that group of women again and garnishing the courage to try and teach. Yikes, I can already feel my stomach turn.