Amazing Grace

"There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less." ~ Philip Yancey


Time is so precious right now. I have been so busy at work that when I get home I crash and just want to stop thinking. Thus, the lack of posts.

I have had two short vacations in the last few weeks, One to Kelowna to visit a dear old friend and the other to Saskatchewan to camp with my beautiful step daughter. I took advantage of the down time and picked up some books to read. One of the disadvantages of my job is that mental exhaustion can make it difficult to want to read. If you follow my blog you are aware of how much I love to do it so being away from it causes an ache in my soul as I miss the written word and the learning that comes from it. Numbers are wonderful but there were never truly a part of my song. They are forced into it now through work and somehow they are moving words away. I may have to just MAKE THE TIME to read so as to feed my hungry song.

Years ago when I worked for a company called FEKETE I came across some pretty incredible people. The owners of the company and those in leadership positions were some of the finest quality people I have met. They were men who put there families first, who cared deeply about every employee and who had lives outside of the business ambitions. One was heavily involved in the La Larche League which is an organization where people go on missions to care for severely handicapped persons who live in countries where there care is not so self evident by their governments. For 18 months you put yourself into the service of one individual and you become their primary caregiver. Everything, feeding, bathing, all of it. You literally lose yourself in the service of another and it changes you. He would come into my office and he would talk about the experiences and how it moved him, he was a great man. Then there was another who come into my office and would talk about the youth ministry that he ran at his church. I was going through a very difficult separation and divorce and about once or twice a week he would stop by my office and offer advise and concern. He is the one who introduced me to the book I am going to blog about today. Here I was, a low man on the totem pole and these men cared and were the finest examples of what balancing work and philantrophy could be. Even the third president was as equally dedicated to his causes and it was expected at the company to find balance because they understood the nature of our purpose here on earth. They were all truly exceptional people and brought great changes to my life. It was an honor to work there if only to be in their company, even the woman I worked for was a truly outstanding person.

So what am I on about?

As Mom was going through the last stages of her cancer and I was just about to embark on the divorce I was told about a book that might help me. I immediately went and got it and read it cover to cover in about three days. I think the emotions of the time period impeded my understanding that although I thought the book was good it kind of missed touching my heart deeply. I put it on the book shelf and moved on to self improvement with other books.

A few months ago I went out with a couple of dear old friends, one who has found spirituality at another church and she brought up the book. I had read it and liked it but clearly I had missed the meaning of the words. I pulled it out of the bookshelf again and decided, this time, find purpose in the words.

The name of the book? "What's so Amazing About Grace?" by Phillip Yancey.

I am the kind of person who will reread books. Don't even get me started at how many times I have reread "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", "Anne of Green Gables" and the all to familiar "B of M". Each time theses books are read, different meanings come from the words and I grow just a bit more.

Rereading this book, however, was fundamental to growing for me. Life changing because the words within it helped me to understand a principle of the Gospel I truly didn't grasp. Grace is a deep and penetrating action that as much as God offers it to us, we too, in the end, must find it in our souls so as to offer it up to others as well.

Case in point.

I was cleaning my office the other day. Emptying files of unnecessary documents and came across my personal file. Within it were travel letters for D to cross the border, a letter from my Dad, one I had written him, K's itinerary for her tour of Europe and her ID documents in case something happened. And then I found an envelope. It had my ex's handwriting on it and I was perplexed. I opened it and found the letter he no doubt had been forced to write by his Bishop so he could get the clearance for his upcoming temple wedding. I was brought back to when I first received it. Three paragraphs long. Forced words without much meaning and  I remembered how those words tore me in half, I remember feeling the emptiness the words had and what was so amazing was that I felt none of that as I reread the letter again. What a revelation to me to see that as much as I had ached for so long for some sort of understanding on his behalf to the damage he had done that now, it doesn't matter.... doesn't matter at all.

Grace is about a way of being. God loves us NO MATTER WHAT. The atonement makes that love evident and too not offer forgiveness is to make light of the Savior's sacrifice. As angry as I can be at the past it doesn't change that it happened. If the only thing that can come from it is that we both have dedicated ourselves to a better way of being now then what's left is in the Lord's hands to deal with.

Sure I have wishes.  I wish that my reputation didn't have to be so ruined by His words, I wish that going to the Temple didn't have to mean coming across a vengeful and gossiping woman who just can't leave it alone, I wish that he didn't have be so absent from the kids lives because he can't come to terms with what he did but what I do know is that waiting on the wishes to resolve themselves just isn't productive and more than anything, I can't control others, I can only control myself.

I am happy. God has given me the opportunity to be loved in the way we all deserve. I have been able to in turn find the peace that comes from that kind of love and return it. I have my children and they are amazing. They contribute to this world in incredibly wonderful ways and what more can a mother ask. I will find a way to completely purge this past of mine. Dr. W said that it may take up to 7 - 10 years before it's done but I can already feel it. I wish him no ill will.... I wish him understanding because if he could try and understand the kid's hurt he could invite his kids back into his life and he could know just how truly amazing they are. I think I have finally found forgiveness.

The other day, D and I were having a discussion. He is working for the summer before he goes to university and got his first pay check. He immediately  went out and spent it on computer monitors. I was disappointed but knew that coming at him with that would be counter productive. We were in the kitchen and I asked a few questions... you know the ones. "Did you leave enough for tithing, what about setting aside some for your mission and we talked. He had also gotten one of those 'credit cards" that come randomly and I knew we had to talk about provident living. We had a discussion about saving and living within our means and words I thought I would never speak were spoken. "One of the good things I got out of my marriage to your father was to live within your means, you have to respect that D and know, you have enough example in your life to know better than to spend more than you make. It was a principle your Dad adhered to and one which is a good example to follow". D nearly feel off his chair. He knew I had taken that example too and was living it.

I know at some point in my life I will be able to have a measurable peaceful conversation with M. That time isn't yet but what I do know is that I am learning the principle of grace. When I see a woman who walks with grace I am so impressed. I hope that someday someone might say of me..."She walks with grace."