To Know What People Really Think

“To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.” ~ Rene Descartes


I have a resolve to continue writing and I am hoping that the words I type have purpose if not for me then for those who read them. My opinions are just that; an opinion, and though there are times when the pain ebbs them to a more brutal and uncompromising attitude; after revealed I can see that I have edged to unreason and find myself moving once again towards rational reflection.

Case in point.

I have always been perplexed by the need of so many members of our church to “put on eres” to have themselves appear flawless and then for others to judge so harshly the “falling down” and getting back up of others who are open enough to admit they are not perfect. I have always been an underdog and supporter of the member of the church less liked or harshly judged.

I remember as a youth the family of a part member home. The mother was dedicated and her children very active. She served in all the callings allotted to one to whom the choice of marrying a non member can have. I liked her but she was a bit brash and a mother bear in her own right. My Mom loved her and constantly reminded me that her life wasn’t easy, her journey a bit more challenged as her husband was very much not in support of her activity in the church.

Her children were misfits, caught between two worlds and desperately seeking acceptance. The culture of our church, being the way it is, was not a completely welcoming place and I have to say, being so immersed in it during high school, though I was never cruel, I was also not going out of my way to be welcoming either.

My day to day actions were not in harmony with my thoughts and in every real way I failed myself and this great woman and her children. Funny thing is, I was aware of my hearts intuition but immaturity brought me to a place of non action. Boy, do I wish I could take back time because instead of being so immersed in being accepted I could have just been friendly and accepting and made being at church a bit easier for some.

I can’t even tell you what happened to this family or to the kids. I shared a ward with them for years and for all I know they could live in the same house and simply be inactive. Do we go back and admit are faults or do we resolve to never repeat the actions and move forward? What’s the answer? Which direction the correct one?

I have struggled so much with my testimony in the last while and with where I stand exactly on my beliefs. I have a brother who spent most of his teen years and early twenties living a life not in keeping with the gospel and even after his mission he tripped but through it all he had the support of his family. This same brother hasn’t spoken to me since I chose to marry outside of the temple first, because my ex could not control the date as he would stall the process and second, so that we could include our less active children and merge the families harmoniously. Is this what our church teaches; am I right in assuming the culture dictates it?

A friend at work grew up JW. She was the perfect child and for her entire life, to the age of almost 20, a JW parents dream child. She suffered from depression and was abused horribly by a strict and unforgiving father and yet, as much as she did right, she could never do enough right to please him. She fell in love with a man from work and wanted to marry him. In the JW faith, once baptized, marrying outside your faith results in some very traumatic results. I thought she was kidding until one day, where entering an elevator with her to start the day at work, three women promptly exited it. It was such an intrusive reaction; these women didn’t just leave the elevator but did so with great drama and disgust leveled precisely at this wonderful and sweet young woman. Tears began to fall down her face and I felt so bad for her. I didn’t understand what had just happened. She informed me that they were JW too and that she had just had a judgment of shunning placed on her. I was shocked when she explained what that was. SHOCKED!

Though the JW have an actual name for this kind of behavior, do we as a faith, have a similar reaction to those that stray? I have witnessed a dear friend’s son who has been excommunicated try each Sunday to return to church. He sits alone at the back of the chapel and is very rarely addressed except by those who have great understanding to the challenges that accompany church courts and the inevitable consequences. It isn’t easy to have so many people aware of your “supposed sins” because, come on; do we every really know the full truth?

Another case in point.

This past year, as I have faced the greatest challenge to what I know to be true and because of the anger that is residual from my past I made a very heart rendering choice. My testimony had waivered; whether from a challenge to my belief system or anger from a past that remains unresolved I knew that had I been given a choice to be baptized at that moment I was not sure I could answer yes. I didn’t know what I believed anymore except that the gospel of Jesus Christ was my foothold and that I understood. I felt that attendance at the temple and even partaking of the sacrament and renewing covenants I wasn’t sure of was maybe something I needed to rethink. So I made a decision, knowing full well that I would be scrutinized and that there would be many who would judge. I would cease to do both until I could come to terms with where I was spiritually.

For almost 8 months I challenged myself and worked through all that I had once taken for granted. I read and searched for answers and knew that each time, as the sacrament passed me that there would be many who would just judge me and make inaccurate assumptions because Wayne and I had not married in the temple. The Bishop did his best to help by calling me to teach RS and by having me pray in sacrament meeting but there are always those who never try and see the picture as it is but for what it isn’t.

W was so amazing through this whole process. He sat beside me each sacrament meeting and cushioned me from the stares and mostly he was patient as I struggled to know again, to believe again and then to commit again to the gospel of our faith we share. Thank you for that W! You were a life saver.

So, as I was going through this, I remembered my good friend D and her struggle with joining the church. She had investigated for years and her active and strong husband stood by her. She remembered the day she finally realized that she had spent so much time waiting for that great AHA moment to happen when she’d be struck down by the thunder of truth and in reality, her truth was ebbing its way into her heart. Sometimes just believing that something makes you a better person; that being united as a family is more important than the absolute witness. She knew that with time, it would permeate her being and it would just be a part of her. I could describe her as the best RS President I have ever met, not to mention, the best YM and Primary Pres as well but she absolutely could be described as a wonderful daughter, sister, Mom and wife as well as someone who balances the gospel with everyday living better than anyone I know. Her example brought me to my balance. Her example helped me to see past the pain.

My whole belief system has changed. I no longer describe myself in the same way. Though I have now come full circle and renew my covenants both of the sacrament and in the temple it is done on such a personal level that I almost feel guilty. My truths and my faith in them are self evident and how someone else looks on it is unimportant to me. I am my Father in Heaven’s daughter and his mercy coupled with my efforts can result in a united cause. I know that this faith is a part of me and that He has given me so much. To walk away would be wrong. As hard as it is to feel accepted by those in my faith I am still a part of it and for that I am defined. Is this a result of a wounded maturing or the consequences of a difficult road travelled?

Well, I can’t answer that but let me write to the results?

W and I went to the WP ward Canada Day breakfast. We walked there because it was just a few blocks from our home and we brought our precious Rocky with us. As we approached my father we were accosted by a crotchety old member of the HP quorum. Someone I have known since I was a very little girl. He came after us for having Rocky there and did so in the unkindest of ways. After saying the same thing over 10 times I looked over to W upon which W said to Brother D, “we heard you and we will move in a moment”. The exchange was over nearly as quickly as it had started and we never thought of it again except to say how sad it was for someone to be so uptight about something so irrelevant.

Later that week we heard that something had been said about this HP’s behavior and it was then that I realized how little effect these kind of interactions have on me now. Is it that I just don’t care anymore or is it that I have more self esteem so I am not as vulnerable to insult? Either way; I am a better person now, thank goodness, and as for my being active and taking on the renewal of my covenants in a much more reticent way. I think, for the most part, I am living my life for myself more than ever. I seek out ways to be of service not for others to see it but for the purpose of making the world a better place.

I have truly come to understand the meaning of the AtOneMent.

So what am I on about this time?

“Everything is self evident.” ~ Rene Descates