Fortitude in Times that Challenge Us

“Perfect wisdom has four parts, viz., wisdom, the principle of doing things aright; justice, the principle of doing things equally in public and private; fortitude, the principle of not flying danger, but meeting it; and temperance, the principle of subduing desires and living moderately.” ~ Plato

life has a way of getting in the way of blogging. I have been so busy with so much that I have failed at finding the time to write. By doing so I have not had the chance to purge the feelings that build up and then, I have a harder time figuring out the pathways I should take. I so often find that as I type the words the layers of my concerns settle and I have an easier time of seeing things for as they really are. Lesson learned.

It was a hard month and many choices were presented and decisions had to be made. More boundaries had to be placed and more feelings worked through and in the end, I still am not sure I ever do the right thing I know I follow the consciousness of my heart and head.

The cancellation process has started and is now in the hands of leaders and the ex. I have been exercising more faith than I ever have in my life and prayer seems the only form of peace. I spoke with someone today who needed to understand my past to help me with the future. It was interesting because even as I type it my paradigm has come near full circle. As much as the truth is subjective it simply doesn't matter anymore to prove anything to anyone. Time has a way of showing character and bad deeds are never rewarded. I have such a full and beautiful life and for that, I am most grateful.

As W and I continue on in our marriage and life throws us inevitable curve balls it astounds me at how important trusted and respectful communication can enhance our marriage. I Love this man so much, I would walk through any obstacle to be with him because in the end, his love completes me. I am most grateful for that.

It's funny how much I have come to understand myself and my own weaknesses. What's even more telling is how little afraid I am of them. I still have issues with others judging me but I think that's a universal concern and the best way to resolve it is to simply to my best to never pass judgement.

It has been a hard month but a growing month and goodness knows I still have a lot to learn.

I still love this journey and needed to just let you all know.

Just not that Crazy.

Oh boy, have I ever got a story. So. apparently my life was turned upside down by the weirdest of circumstances. I have been having trouble sleeping and my Dr. prescribed a sleeping pill that she said would help. It was a generic drug and when i started taking it the feeling was so bizarre. I googled the name of the drug and was shocked to know that it was the same drug that she had prescribed for me to combat depression when I was sick and that had taken me nearly a year to get off of. I was livid! It also cause major weight gain and it took me nearly a year to lose the weight.

I was so confused. I went to a health food store and they set me up with melatonin. It's healthy right?! Well, one of the side effects is depression even though you have great night sleep. These past few weeks I've been completely kerfluffled trying to figure out why I was in such a BLUE state when everything is so great in my life.

Now, a cleanse is in the works and I am going to take this living to a whole new way of healthy living. Just as a thought, google anything you ingest cus YOU NEVER KNOW! I sure wished I would have looked it up sooner!

Let the world know you as you are!

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

I feel like a broken record or a rewind of a very old and horribly ridiculous song replaying and replaying incessantly because it’s just so bad nobody can believe it. Crazy, I know, but all in all very enlightening.

Lot’s has happened and it has been such an internal struggle that oozed it’s way out which, for a long time, I have been able to get control of fairly easily. This time, however, it spilled through the cracks and now, as I look back, it was probably for the best.

To say that life should always be easy would be a naïve and hopelessly redundant way of looking at it. What should be easy are the repeats of living and yet, until you master those obstacles they replay over and over until you have a grasp on them. The conundrum for me was that I thought I had it under control but alas, I didn’t. It bit me, right in the arse and now, I am working extra hard to just put these puppies to rest, yet again.

Who I am is so self described and understanding that principle moves mountains in emotions. Letting go of that process and allowing others inside to scramble your thinking is a recipe for steeping backwards in any healing what so ever. That’s what I did and the kicker is; this person didn’t even ask to get in. It’s a shame on me for letting it happen in the first place.

So, what am I on about?

The details are unimportant, the circumstances even more so but because the result is so predictable it’s blog worthy. I let the thoughts and actions of others move into my psyche and move what I know to be true in my heart out of place. What gives there? As much as I know my strength is improving the crack let the adversary in and my thoughts tarnished in a way I hadn’t let them for a very long time. Lesson learned.

I know myself and I know my weaknesses. Addressing abuse survival and understanding personal weaknesses’ because of it can help and even make drastic change in the self esteem long sought for and won. I am not what others deem me to be, I am what I choose to be. Remembering that helps me avoid the pitfalls and brings remembrance to my own divinity and divine qualities that shields an attack on personal self esteem and self worth.

My Achilles heal is ever believing that justice is ever part of the equation. It will never be a part of it, it doesn’t belong in my hands, and its God’s alone. Note to self, remember that then disappointment won’t happen.

The old adage of a testimony never being stagnant is my nemesis as well. I let slip my conviction to understanding the atonement on all levels and by doing so I allowed the perceived feelings and thoughts of others control my decisions and actions. I must remain vigilant in my understanding that what others do, what others think, what others are is not my concern and what I may think others think of me is as equally unimportant. When I live authentically to my own beliefs and morals and when the disappointment of others actions no longer weigh on my soul, true happiness is made available.

There is no way to avoid the old wounds from being laid bare. The process is necessary to move forward for W and I. The fault lies in reliving the old stigmas and in rehashing the past. There will always be people who believe and who will place you in a position they deem you to be in. We are all guilty of pigeon holing each other. It’s when we “fit the bill” against our very judgment that we fail ourselves. The past is a history best left there.

I failed myself this last little while and by doing so I have failed those around me. Today, at lunch, I stood up to it. A woman I know sometimes will bully me and in my weakness I let her do it. I was speaking of a conversation I had with another engineer in the company and was explaining a situation he had described to me. She called me a liar. Now normally I would cower and try desperately to defend myself. Today, however, was different. I simply turned to her and asked to what benefit lying would be to me? Don’t think it was that easy. She pushed even harder and I remained calm and yet assertive. I asked if she had ever spoken to the gentleman and she responded no. I asked if she was familiar in anyway with the situation I was describing and again she confirmed she wasn’t. I then repeated, to what benefit would liyng be to me and why would I mislead anyone there. She backed down and then apologized. I was stunned.

Weakness, in the natural kingdom can be accessed and then taken advantage of. People are no different. Bullies are bullies. Gossip is gossip. I am no angel but I am not going to be a wimp either. I don’t have to rehash all the reasons why I am broken, the plate has cracks but the super bond is in place and the healing well on its way to completion.

I see it as two choices. Let it all matter and spend the rest of my life being what everyone else thinks I should be or just be as God had always intended. I chose the latter thank you.

Fanny Brice says it best – “Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?”

Dignity

"One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered."
~ Michael J. Fox

So, a bit of an absence, I know. Processing a very heavy situation and still very much in the midst of it. I never realized that there was so much more to go through for a cancellation of sealing over a clearance. They are indeed two very different things and being in the very center of the more emotional of the two I have to say, almost, uncle!

At the best of times, what happened is over and done with. At the worst, it has to be all dredged up again and then, you feel like the wound is cast open and bleeding and you have to heal all over again. I am doing all that I can to not open it too far but hey, what can you do. I want so much to have an eternity with this amazing new man of mine. He has changed so much of my outlook and my kids as well. There is great hope in our lives now and yet, somehow, I feel at the mercy of some who have, in a sense, already let me and my kids down.

It’s been a rough few months. I have gotten to a level of forgiveness I never thought possible and a very unique understanding to forgiving the sin and being reticent to the sinner. As I penned yet another letter having full faith and trust in my Bishop I knew that his words – “to keep it simple”; were much harder than he could have ever imagined.

How do you sum up the end of a 25 year marriage simply? I still have no answer to that.

Here’s another thought. M will be asked the question; is he current in his support of his children? Well, when a man takes you to court to sever his legal obligations then the answer is yes but what if as a family you have struggled for the last 2 ½ years alone as the financial debt was yours alone to carry and you chose not to fight it because you just wanted peace and knew that the battle would never end otherwise. What if he refuses to help with either school or mission in any way? What if he argues he overpaid when you can prove that prior to his severing the support he in fact was well under the child support outline costs the government set. Oh, wait, he didn’t have to pay for his daughter once she finished high school because she was an adult it’s just a shame she was disabled from anorexia and needed clinical care which took three months to get his financial help with and even then he fell fall short of what the government expected him to pay for that as well. None of this is ever addressed because the question only asks for a yes or no answer and all the unfairness comes back and tries as your might to not feel dismissed or discouraged, in the end, it really does hurt and you very much do.

A letter can’t sum up all the pain, it can’t bring back the innocence of abused kids and even though, for the most part, it is over, it feels as if by choice we have opened up all the hurt that was never acknowledged by M. The temple for me is such a difficult place to go as an ex in-law temple worker continues to speak ill of me there. I know; the Lord’s house and yet even there it isn’t safe. Church is still hard as those he spoke to and professed my faults and harm to believe unequivocally in his words because he was once their Bishop, he couldn’t lie. There is times when one can be so weary of the uphill battle that rolling right back down seems a softer and more viable option.

So here’s where my heart comes into play. I love W so much, he is the answer to all the questions I ever asked about hope and truth and safety. We have come so far and sacrificed so much I must find and hold to the faith that those working with us will speak for the unfairness and that, with faith, a cancellation will be granted and W and I can move forward to our new life together.

There have been times when this journey has been extremely hard. There have been times when giving up seemed reasonable but I always had faith that things would get better. Well, those dreams have, for the most part, all come true. There isn’t a moment where I am not ecstatic about my life with W. There is never any doubt that this love we have was the way it should have always been and the way, with effort and strength it will remain for the rest of our lives and with hope, throughout our eternity together. This time, however, its so friggin hard I can’t even tell you. Pray for us please. I would never be so bold as to say I know how things will turn out but what I do know is that this process is hard for a reason. I just wish and pray that those with the authority will know that walking away was never an easy escape or excuse but was a choice to live and love and be happy as the Lord intended this journey to be. After every prospect of that a kind and fulfilling life with the ex was exhausted, after it was clear that they was never going to be a change from him with regards to his feelings of my spirituality and his abusive control using the priesthood as his excuse to exercise it, we set forth towards a fundamental and growing change for the rest of the family by letting go and in deed letting God.

Now, in the most real way of all, this is in God’s hands. I know he knows my heart; my hope is that those making the decision can feel of my heart as well.

It's Everything To Me!

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate,

A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I’ve been thinking, which some people think I may do too much of sometimes, but none the less, I’ve been thinking about what is love and why I was able to see past so much pain to know that W could love me and I him. I know, weird hey, that I would be wondering that now, after W and I are already married but the conversation came up with a friend and the words used were envy and trust and letting go and it struck me that in fact all of that was a part of it but not all at once, over time was how it all transpired. It made me think and more so, it made me want to write it through because when I do that, it all seems to find sense somehow, so here it goes.

I spend a lot of time with questions that I know I may never have the answers for, like; do you ever wish you could just have a few minutes with God so He could clarify some things so you didn’t have to wonder so much. I do but since an eye to eye meeting would have to come at such a great cost here’s some of the questions I might ask.

Why me? I know, this is a total pout moment here. I don’t mean this in a selfish way but more in an illogical, irreverent kind of way. I get how choices put us on the paths our lives take but it’s not so much wondering why the bad stuff happens but more why the good is all around. I have such a wonderful life and I am so grateful for it but I think that there are times when I am just waiting for the whole floor/rug to be pulled out right from under me because this kind of happiness just doesn’t seem to match me. Crazy hey! I know, time to have a good quick swift kick in the arse and for someone to tell me to quit complaining but the truth is I’m not complaining.

So, here’s another question, maybe a bit irreverent for those who are of the black and white persuasion so if that best describes your outlook on life please skip this paragraph. So here it goes, how come really great people who may or may not be MOMO and treat everyone absolutely fabulously, who have lived honorable and outstanding lives maybe judged as “not” able to inherit the kingdom of heaven but others, who proclaim to the world their celestial status of a “calling and election” made sure do? Yeah, I know, no one knows for sure until the trumpets and angels and so forth but please, there are times when I much prefer the company of the supposed “sinner” than the boastful “saint”. I’m just saying, glad it’s not my decision but an answer sure would help my heart making sense of it all.

I think I am veering off target here but please bare with me. I really wish that my heart could wrap itself around contentment with ease. My life being as full as it is and my days overflowing with love and being loved I find myself looking around and I want so desperately to share or give this away and then I remember what it was like to be without it. Hard; very hard. I can’t just give away my love, I did that once, didn’t work so well but now, this two way street is glorious and wonderful and all I can hope is that everyone I know that deserves this, finds it. It’s another one of those questions. Why do you have to make it so hard for some people?

W is such a gift in my life and I am eternally grateful to him. We have started the ball rolling to seal the eternal deal and there is a part of me that resents that I even need to ask for “permission” from the ex. I could get started but I won’t but it occurs to me that starting this ends something else and I am reminded of the lose I felt back then. I lost my innocence and even my faith in a life long learning. I thought back then that there was no hope. I know differently now that there is. This is where I testify of God’s goodness.

So what have I learned?

Timing and life are intertwined in a way that we may never fully understand. To ask why and always expect an answer will surely leave you disappointed. For whatever reason life is meant to have ruts and curves and downright bastions of wastelands but it also has valleys and mountains and a beauty that will help you to know that it all has purpose and meaning.

Final thought; this I know!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ~

All’s Well That Ends Well

"The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together. Our virtues would be proud if our faults whipt them not; and our crimes would despair if they were not cherish'd by our virtues." ~ William Shakespeare All’s Well That Ends Well

I’ve been blogging now for just about two years. As I go back and reread all the entries, the emotions and events come flooding back and I am able to evaluate growth and weaknesses that I have experienced and to what extent I have changed. Change is an essential element to a better and emotionally healthy life. The process of life is to find purpose in the journey but more importantly to seek the joy that life offers. That can be so hard sometimes. We can easily be overwhelmed by our own expectations as well as cultural demands that others place on us. Balance is the key and one must never assume that once you’ve found it that it will always be there. The scale of life shift constantly and finding balance is always an ongoing process.

I have come at this very principle full throttle these last few days and I have had a tumultuous few weeks. Here’s what I am on about.

Winter just doesn’t want to leave us here in the Great White North. It’s May 2010 and we are still having weather warnings and winter storm warnings and it makes you wonder; is it ever going to end?

Lately, my life has felt like that. Just when I thought I had all the doubts licked they are plaguing me again and I have to bind myself is all the positive energy I can muster and purge the “what ifs”. The oxymoron here is I have never had the kind of happiness I have experienced these past few months ever in my life so I find myself in near utter confusion. How can someone be so happy and be stalked by doubt. I’m not saying doubt in my new life but the kind of doubt that reaches deep within your soul that makes you wonder if everything you have accomplished emotionally is really just a house of cards ready to fall down. Do others have moments like this?

I know where my fears lie. The “what if’s” are stalking me and I am doing all that I can do eliminate them from my thought processes. I had this under control and “out of control” it turns me into something I am not content with. Yikes, I need to find the strength that pulled me through these last few years and understand new life as compared to old life. The consoling part of this equation is that I know I have it in me, I know I can rise above this. I know it’s there.

I can give you all the reasons why my life became unbalanced again but lets suffice it to say that I let the opinions of others get under my emotional skin. I may not ever measure up to some but that’s not important because measuring up to myself is much more valuable and knowing who I am helps tremendously with that. Maybe I started to loss sight of that. Maybe I let the door open to the doubt. Goodness knows I have had that lesson taught to me a bazillion times.

So last night as I was talking to my wonderful, beautiful, accepting and cherished new husband and he was again showing immense patience at the incongruity of my thoughts he said the most amazing thing and just like that, I got it. Wow, I can’t even describe the feeling I had as I realized that as crazy as I sounded he understood and without criticizing we found a solution together. He in turn spoke to his anxieties and the back and forth of emotional acceptance and understanding began melting me more into love with him, as if that could even be possible, more in love, and yet I was.

“It is an uneasy lot at best, to be what we call highly taught and yet not to enjoy: to be present at this great spectacle of life and never to be liberated from a small hungry shivering self--never to be fully possessed by the glory we behold, never to have our consciousness rapturously transformed into the vividness of a thought, the ardor of a passion, the energy of an action, but always to be scholarly and uninspired, ambitious and timid, scrupulous and dim-sighted.”

~ George Elliot – Middlemarch

When you spend a good portion of your life with the paradigm of fault being the constant reference getting out of that rut can be a bit of a process. I would be remiss if I didn’t fully acknowledge healing and growth and wonder at a new and better life. Today, I said to my beautiful sister, that W was easy as a husband. That’s neither a fault nor a put down. W is easy because he loves fully, forgives easily and expects only what he gives. When he’s mad, you know, when he’s happy, he’s infectious and when he loves, it makes you feel safe. For so many years, all I ever wanted was to feel safe. Each day I am greeted by a text or a phone call and it is from my BEST FRIEND. Through out the day we text and call and in the evening, he is generally the last person I speak to. I never grow tired of his jokes or his words of advice or encouragement and I love his patience with me. He’s says I tell him 10 times I am going to do something before I actually get it done but that I do get it done eventually. I love that once is all I have to ask so I need to be careful what I ask for.

Now, please don’t assume that this new life of mine is all roses and cream. We are getting used to each other and the main difference is in the effort. W isn’t perfect and I am even farther from it but we know that, we actually get that and we find such humor in the kerfuffle’s that we find ourselves in. The other day, we went for a ride to Waterton Park. We had finished and the shortest way home was to turn left. The unknown was right and a much farther drive. As I was sitting there, I turned to him and asked, want to go on an adventure? Sure enough, the answer was yes. That’s what I love most about him. The adventure!

There's a Storm A Brewing!

So, lessons come from so many sources. Sometimes they are there, sitting in front of you and you don't have to do that much because you are smart enough to see the writing on the wall. Other times, you ignore all the warning signs and BAMB, you're hit and you make your way through it. Either way, looking at these important times and gleaning from them the lessons that help you grow are the building blocks to a better you and so worth the trouble of wading through them. Case in point.

Yesterday morning in Lethbridge was pretty stellar. A bit cold but a beautiful open blue and someone clouded  Alberta sky and a journey of getting the "BIG STUFF' of W's up to Calgary. We took our time and finally hit the road at around 11:00 a.m. W had some walkies talkies and we chatted back and forth as we headed up the Highway 2.

Now, in my life and especially in the last year I have driven this road enumerable times. I know it like the back of my hand and I reverence it as it has taken the lives of some friends and I know that you can't take anything for granted, especially the presence of the most honored RCMP. My driver's record can attest to that.

The sky as you are driving this beautiful highway is most of the time; open and glorious all the way east to where ever the horizon meets the plains and to the west where it intersects with the mighty Rockies. The one thing this immense sky does do very well is warn. It reveals with no hesitation the weather you will either be heading in to or out of and blizzards can come at you at a mind bending pace. I have seen thunder clouds and bowls the tower majestically almost seemingly to reach heaven. I've seen the configuration of a mighty snow squall as it leisurely meandered towards me. I have seen a bright and open blue that can last forever and speaks to a beautiful week ahead but this day, a menacing spring snow/rain storm was tracking us northward and knowing it's proximity and speed towards us wasn't easy to detect.

We travelled northward and as we passed through Claresholm, the call of "Chicken" wasn't loud enough for us to stop so we didn't. Back and forth the walkies talkies squealed and as we came closer to Nanton one of those moments hit for me. The one that says, "a spontaneous change of plans is always good for any relationship!" Yup, "hey W, how about we check out some of those Antique stores?" And then, one of the many reasons I love that man so much; "sure, sounds like fun, I've always wanted to do that!"

2 hours later and a brooch in hand, we came out of the third store and saw The Wild Thyme Cafe. Well, who wouldn't have wanted to give that a go. BTW - absolutely one of the best meals we have ever had. When we came out of the cafe we soon realized that the storm that was tracking us was getting very close so off we went. Just over and hour later we arrived at home just as the girls were getting there. We quickly unpacked the truck and before W could even park the truck a spring blizzard began. Our timing was impeccable, by shear luck I might add!

You know, I have a real belief in the songs we carry in our hearts for places, things and people. Having W move the last of his things into the house is making this place a home. Even though we never knew something was missing, with him here, its feels like we found it without ever knowing it was needed. Driving through the prairies down that road I have travelling so many times you can't even count, it's a part of my song too. It means so many things, the road to the temple, the highway to my W, the beauty of a land I live and breath so much of. It's a home that really lives within you. I am so grateful for it.

I have so much in my life to be thankful for. Even a spring blizzard can be frustrating when all you really would love is for spring to come but the truth is, Spring always does and with it comes the expectation of rebirth and renewal. I really do feel like I am in the spring of my life. A bit late due to some foreseen circumstances but Spring is finally here and I am loving it!

Oh, and what am I on about as far as this post.

With the Alberta sky's being able to warn us, even that didn't stop us from having a spontaneous moment to check out the antique stores and do lunch. I think we had an instinctual gauge that we knew just how much time we had before it was going to get difficult. We cut it close. Now, there are some who say, getting close is playing with fire and I agree to some extent but in this case, both W and I have experience and we could guess our limits. We were lucky and fate smiled on us but even if we had misjudged, driving in a snow storm isn't the end of the world especially with two walkies talkies and a whole lot of experience in driving through snow. As dark and foreboding as the snowstorm looked, we knew, if worse came to worse, High River would be a great place for a pit stop. We had our first kiss in that great town!

It's Just That Simple

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend." ~ Melody Beattie

I so love aha moments! What I am finding is that as I am more emotionally connected and living to just enjoy the journey my heart and mind is open and I am finding solace in my own beliefs without judgement of others. It doesn't mean that you could ever define me as Molly but for sure you would find that I no longer resent nor find any kind of emotion in the "Molly" way of living anymore. This came to me as I was driving down to Lethbridge to spend some time with my W and finish getting the rest of his stuff up to Calgary.

I got a new car, which, by the way, I love. It came with XM radio and I just happened to find the "Rosie O'Donnell" show. She had a weird guest on, of all people, Mike Huckabee, the Governor of Arkansas and a devout evangelical Christian. She had called him up because she had heard an interview that he had had with a gay rights activist wherein he had said that homosexuals should not be given the right to adopt and he was going to make that a law in his state, or at least try to. Now, please, don't even get me started on this argument, I think I would get called into the Bishop's office but what I listened to for about an hour was one of the most engaging, honest and respectful discussion by two people are polar opposite ends of the equation. For the first time I felt that where I came from, what I truly believed about the world and how if people could just understand the concept of acceptance, we really could have a better world and who would have ever thought that Mike Huckabee and Rosie O'Donnell would be, for me, endearing examples.

Rosie didn't let up and yet she heard and accepted Mike's assertions about his choices, his beliefs. She gave him the respect of listening and allowing him to further explain his position and then, because she did, and because he understood she did, she was able to then give her point a view. In the end, they agreed to disagree. GO FIGURE! This world has so many different opinions and for MEN, because it is the men to go to war because one group of people disagree is LUDICROUS!

Come on, do you really need to put a death sentence on someone because they depict a certain thing and for that matter, is it really necessary to push the buttons to insight anger? Think of how many people that have walked away from organised religion because of few of the overzealous hyper religious ones that speak louder and profess to represent a religion, most religions, that are generally just peaceful, accepting places to worship. Does Obama Bin Landen speak for all Muslims, does Warren Jeffs represent all Mormons and really, can those depictable Catholic Priests really be representative all the Catholic Church? Maybe, if we were to see the bigger picture and try to understand what is that GOD intended for us here on earth we could find a way to be peaceful and non judgemental.

Here's a quote I like;

"There is something that has been the quest of every civilization on the face of this earth. The thirst for peace. The thirst for peace lies within you, and peace is also within you. Begin with yourself. Begin with respecting what today means to you, instead of trading it for tomorrow. What does this moment that you are alive mean to you? Your life is like a necklace—one moment, another moment, another moment, another moment." ~ Prem Rawat (Maharaji)

It wasn't until I stopped trying to find answers everywhere else and truly looked within that i could come to a resolution in my life. I make no expectation of anyone but myself. Oh, for sure, I get frustrated and sometime life overwhelms me but when I lay my issues on my soul I become self-perspective and find the anwsers there with the help of my God and those that I trust in my life who are honest enough to speak truth. In the end, peace is found.

So what am I on about.

It really is that simple. Change yourself. Find yourself and once you do, everything else seems to fall into place. Never lose the gratitude for the journey. As our most revered Prophet said;

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family." Thomas Monson

I was at conference when President Monson said this. These very words altered my entire life. It changes me from being a victim to being an advocate. I am today because of these words. I have such a strong testimony of finding yourself, measuring the world as you are in it from a personal and accepting point of view and by truly living and breathing the JOY of the journey. If you do this, you will begin a process of peace that will reside within the walls of your very home and then permeate outwards. Peace will never come from world leaders sitting at a round table defending points of view, but it will begin with each of us finding the basic goodness within all of us and respecting each other, no matter what differences we have.

Defying Gravity

“As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.”
-- Emmanuel Teney

Just over a month ago I got a call from one of the councilors in the Bishopric. He wanted to meet with me to give me a new calling. My heart sunk. Since the divorce I had been left to either teach primary or was left in a silent and non traditional calling like Single Adult Rep. Wow, it was a leisure cruise but left me unchallenged accepting that I was coming to terms with my feelings about the church and putting the chaos of my life back into order. I needed the break and it was a good thing. It gave me a reprieve during a time I most needed it.

My new calling – RS teacher. UGH!!!! I shuddered because the last thing I wanted to do was teach a room full of women who I had felt so judged by. I didn’t have any desire to speak to topics I still didn’t think I fully understood or could testify to. I struggled for so many other reasons but felt that if this was what they wanted me to do, if this was what the Lord felt I needed to do, then I would do it. Some circumstances happened where I questioned the calling and the RS presidency came to my home and orientated me. WOW, did I ever say how much I love the RS president. She is not only a friend but a mentor and her heart is so pure and open and yet her emotions have been guarded as her struggles may be a greater burden than you or I can even imagine.

A.H. left a little poster that she felt best described her feelings of the need for my teaching in Relief Society. It’s picture of a little devil with the whole pitch fork and everything, tail and all. Below the image reads the caption. “BE THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT WHEN YOUR WAKE AND YOUR FEET HIT THE FLOOR IN THE MORING, SATAN SHUDDERS AND SAYS, **** SHE’S AWAKE. I laughed so hard and then A and T told me to speak up, say how I feel, and by all means, add my two cents worth. She explained of all those suffering in silence, feeling so alone and so few women are willing to see their mistakes realistically through the cloud of perfection so infused by our culture. Women need to acknowledge mistakes correctly and then spend the time addressing them to create a better life. I never felt I had ever done that. I never felt that what I would have to say would be important to anyone. I mean, I’ve been blogging for almost two years and though I know I have followers and have had many messages of hope and understanding I never felt my words would matter to very many in any kind of life span.

I began preparing the lesson soon after and my first assignment was on the Holy Ghost. Wow, perfect topic for my entrance into teaching again. I have such a profound testimony of the HG’s involvement into bettering our lives and feel with all my heart that by abiding in the promptings of the HG we can find such great ways to avoid unnecessary pitfalls. I prayed often to have the ability to teach what was needed for the women in the room. I read and reread the lesson, searched through the lds.org website and pulled a number of talks off the BYU devotional website. I studied what the intention of a lesson was and devoted myself to unseen needs and hoped I would feel promptings to dig a bit deeper and find something that would be exactly needed and that the HG could make life better for the women in the room, the women of my ward.

I have always felt that by trying to understand exactly what the teacher’s manual says and by truly taking time you can find answers mostly for yourself and maybe that’s the intention of being in a teacher’s calling. Maybe it’s always been about what you take out of it for yourself and then by sharing what you have learned you can touch others because change is so self-driven. You can only have people pause for thought; the rest is up to them. I learn so much by just preparing. It’s a win-win for me. I only hope and pray that I can then, with the lord’s help, impart what I know to help others. That’s the dream of every successful teacher and is something I wish for myself.

The following tangent is with your understanding, there is method to my madness here, hang on.

There’s a Broadway musical; “Wicked” that I absolutely love. It began as a book written to address the witches from the Wizard of Oz. Glinda, the pink Good witch and Elphaba, the Wicked witch. They meet at college and as in all ways; the book best describes the complexities of their lives and their relationships as they develop much better than the stage play. You learn of Elphaba’s dysfunctional upbringing and of the way she is misunderstood. Glinda is best described as shallow but heartfelt. The characters interact through a journey to meet the Wizard and find him corrupt and evil. You interpret the story from your own vantage point and even in reading the reviews there is considerable argument as to which witch is evil and which is good. You understand motivations from personal perspective and because of that your understanding of intent rolls into play.

In the end, Elphaba’s world is turned upside down and she is faced with choice. What will this tragic set of circumstances do to her intent and to her heart? Here, at this moment, comes the most moving song in the musical. “Defying Gravity”.

Defying Gravity Lyrics


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!


It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down!


I'm through accepting limits
‘‘Because someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!


I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity


Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down!

Perspective matters here, is Elphaba giving up or growing. Well, if you follow through to the end of the story and the beginning of the next you know that she is crushed under the house that Dorothy was in when she arrived in the Land of Oz.

As much as I see tragedy in this, it is filled with misunderstanding and a lack of understanding intent. Elphaba understands this and chooses to defy the expectation. She let’s go of the pain and heartache and chooses to be disheartened and angry and it shows in everything she does. It’s the stage that follows enlightenment for some. When they realize that being understood might never happen and anger and frustration sets. But there is another choice here and many do take it and for that reason, this song means much more to me.

Limits are set on us, whether we like it or not by the expectations of the people and culture around us. It’s an invisible line or ceiling that holds us in place to “fit in”. When something happens to us that changes us to our very core we lay at the precipices of change. Which direction you choose can seal a happy or unhappy existence. I chose, after much angst and confusion, to be happy in spite of it all, and even though, many times I doubt my abilities. Overcoming those abilities gives wings to all the hope I have in my life and it changes the “I can’t’s” to the absolute “cans”.

Now; to get back on track.

I never thought for one minute that my story or for that matter, my life could make a difference to anyone other than me. I have blogged and written and tried in everyway to leave a legacy of survival for my family. I want, someday, for my children and grandchildren to speak of me with the same reverence and respect that they speak of my mother, my grandmothers, my aunts. In everyway, this desire arises from the great legacies of woman that have come before me. I am so proud of my heritage.

This lesson, the RS lesson scared the begebees out of me. I was so nervous, so intimidated and as I began, the spirit rested on my shoulders and words came out that I didn’t even know were there. The flow was amazing and the intent was clear and in the end as I looked around the room I felt free of all the judgment that really, I doubt, was ever there in the first place. A silent limitation that I placed on myself. Maybe I do have something to add. If the pain and suffering I went through can in anyway be a benefit in the path it took and the resolution I have so as to be shared as an example, so be it, but what I would hope most is that by looking at the mistakes I made and goodness knows there were many, that others can be adverted of some of the pain I have felt as I went through them.

The Relief Society lesson went well. There were many women who came up after filled with tears and joy. They had missed my voice. Some, I know, will never understand. That’s okay, because in the end, it won’t really matter. I will be met by a kind and loving Heavenly Father who will know the intents of my heart and he will lay his judgment there. This I know, because the HG has left that testament on my heart.

An after thought, a wonderful poem by one of my favorite poets.

By Ella Wheeler Wilcox


There are songs enough for the hero
Who dwells on the heights of fame;
I sing of the disappointed--
For those who have missed their aim.


I sing with a tearful cadence
For one who stands in the dark,
And knows that his last, best arrow
Has bounded back from the mark.


I sing for the breathless runner,
The eager, anxious soul,
Who falls with his strength exhausted.
Almost in sight of the goal;


For the hearts that break in silence,
With a sorrow all unknown,
For those who need companions,
Yet walk their ways alone.


There are songs enough for the lovers
Who share love's tender pain,
I sing for the one whose passion
Is given all in vain.


For those whose spirit comrades
Have missed them on their way,
I sing, with a heart o'erflowing,
This minor strain to-day.


And I know the Solar system
Must somewhere keep in space
A prize for that spent runner
Who barely lost the race.


For the plan would be imperfect
Unless it held some sphere
That paid for the toil and talent
And love that are wasted here.

4 hours Sleep

So, no quote, no ironic or cleaver diatribe. Just shear frustration at a life that I simply must bring to a peace while excusing myself from the drama. I would love life to just be easy some time. I would love it if I could wake up in the morning after a restful and undisturbed sleep and want to be at a job I love, in a head space uncluttered with concern, a perfect size 10 and a stable thought process. A perfect world would be so welcome right now but it just isn't my reality.

The one thing I have that makes everyday bearable is the love of a good and kind man who accepts me for all the broken pieces I carry. It is the pivot point of my life that makes decisions easier, movement forward natural and even after 4 hours sleep and an 18 hour day ahead bearable. It's his face I will see at the end of this day, his shoulder I will rest my weary head on and in his arms I will feel safe. I am so thankful for that because I know it is a gift.

Choices are hard sometimes. The lesson I have learned most this last little while is chaos visits every life but it's impact is dependant on how much you let in. I have always wanted to make things right for the ones I have loved. There are times, however, when you have no control over that and the chaos can consume you. This is when you must decide and for an instant, be selfish. I did that this week and my heart is aching.

I may lose my Dad because I just can't bear to watch an enabler refuse to have accountabilty in an out of control life. It is pret near the hardest thing I have had to do and it's consequences will be felt, I am sure, for a very long time. I am losing family and family means the very most to me, even crazy, screwed up family. Yeah, depressing, I know.

I will come home tonight and I will rest my soul in the care of my prayers and my new husband. Both will make the world seem more fair, more complacent, more livable. I will also look deep within and remember that not everything can be fixed, epecially when fixing it is primarily in anothers hands.

Thus, as I grow older and more mature, the irony of life seems to settle in the everyday of my living.