All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"
I feel like a broken record or a rewind of a very old and horribly ridiculous song replaying and replaying incessantly because it’s just so bad nobody can believe it. Crazy, I know, but all in all very enlightening.
Lot’s has happened and it has been such an internal struggle that oozed it’s way out which, for a long time, I have been able to get control of fairly easily. This time, however, it spilled through the cracks and now, as I look back, it was probably for the best.
To say that life should always be easy would be a naïve and hopelessly redundant way of looking at it. What should be easy are the repeats of living and yet, until you master those obstacles they replay over and over until you have a grasp on them. The conundrum for me was that I thought I had it under control but alas, I didn’t. It bit me, right in the arse and now, I am working extra hard to just put these puppies to rest, yet again.
Who I am is so self described and understanding that principle moves mountains in emotions. Letting go of that process and allowing others inside to scramble your thinking is a recipe for steeping backwards in any healing what so ever. That’s what I did and the kicker is; this person didn’t even ask to get in. It’s a shame on me for letting it happen in the first place.
So, what am I on about?
The details are unimportant, the circumstances even more so but because the result is so predictable it’s blog worthy. I let the thoughts and actions of others move into my psyche and move what I know to be true in my heart out of place. What gives there? As much as I know my strength is improving the crack let the adversary in and my thoughts tarnished in a way I hadn’t let them for a very long time. Lesson learned.
I know myself and I know my weaknesses. Addressing abuse survival and understanding personal weaknesses’ because of it can help and even make drastic change in the self esteem long sought for and won. I am not what others deem me to be, I am what I choose to be. Remembering that helps me avoid the pitfalls and brings remembrance to my own divinity and divine qualities that shields an attack on personal self esteem and self worth.
My Achilles heal is ever believing that justice is ever part of the equation. It will never be a part of it, it doesn’t belong in my hands, and its God’s alone. Note to self, remember that then disappointment won’t happen.
The old adage of a testimony never being stagnant is my nemesis as well. I let slip my conviction to understanding the atonement on all levels and by doing so I allowed the perceived feelings and thoughts of others control my decisions and actions. I must remain vigilant in my understanding that what others do, what others think, what others are is not my concern and what I may think others think of me is as equally unimportant. When I live authentically to my own beliefs and morals and when the disappointment of others actions no longer weigh on my soul, true happiness is made available.
There is no way to avoid the old wounds from being laid bare. The process is necessary to move forward for W and I. The fault lies in reliving the old stigmas and in rehashing the past. There will always be people who believe and who will place you in a position they deem you to be in. We are all guilty of pigeon holing each other. It’s when we “fit the bill” against our very judgment that we fail ourselves. The past is a history best left there.
I failed myself this last little while and by doing so I have failed those around me. Today, at lunch, I stood up to it. A woman I know sometimes will bully me and in my weakness I let her do it. I was speaking of a conversation I had with another engineer in the company and was explaining a situation he had described to me. She called me a liar. Now normally I would cower and try desperately to defend myself. Today, however, was different. I simply turned to her and asked to what benefit lying would be to me? Don’t think it was that easy. She pushed even harder and I remained calm and yet assertive. I asked if she had ever spoken to the gentleman and she responded no. I asked if she was familiar in anyway with the situation I was describing and again she confirmed she wasn’t. I then repeated, to what benefit would liyng be to me and why would I mislead anyone there. She backed down and then apologized. I was stunned.
Weakness, in the natural kingdom can be accessed and then taken advantage of. People are no different. Bullies are bullies. Gossip is gossip. I am no angel but I am not going to be a wimp either. I don’t have to rehash all the reasons why I am broken, the plate has cracks but the super bond is in place and the healing well on its way to completion.
I see it as two choices. Let it all matter and spend the rest of my life being what everyone else thinks I should be or just be as God had always intended. I chose the latter thank you.
Fanny Brice says it best – “Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?”
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