~ Michael J. Fox
So, a bit of an absence, I know. Processing a very heavy situation and still very much in the midst of it. I never realized that there was so much more to go through for a cancellation of sealing over a clearance. They are indeed two very different things and being in the very center of the more emotional of the two I have to say, almost, uncle!
At the best of times, what happened is over and done with. At the worst, it has to be all dredged up again and then, you feel like the wound is cast open and bleeding and you have to heal all over again. I am doing all that I can to not open it too far but hey, what can you do. I want so much to have an eternity with this amazing new man of mine. He has changed so much of my outlook and my kids as well. There is great hope in our lives now and yet, somehow, I feel at the mercy of some who have, in a sense, already let me and my kids down.
It’s been a rough few months. I have gotten to a level of forgiveness I never thought possible and a very unique understanding to forgiving the sin and being reticent to the sinner. As I penned yet another letter having full faith and trust in my Bishop I knew that his words – “to keep it simple”; were much harder than he could have ever imagined.
How do you sum up the end of a 25 year marriage simply? I still have no answer to that.
Here’s another thought. M will be asked the question; is he current in his support of his children? Well, when a man takes you to court to sever his legal obligations then the answer is yes but what if as a family you have struggled for the last 2 ½ years alone as the financial debt was yours alone to carry and you chose not to fight it because you just wanted peace and knew that the battle would never end otherwise. What if he refuses to help with either school or mission in any way? What if he argues he overpaid when you can prove that prior to his severing the support he in fact was well under the child support outline costs the government set. Oh, wait, he didn’t have to pay for his daughter once she finished high school because she was an adult it’s just a shame she was disabled from anorexia and needed clinical care which took three months to get his financial help with and even then he fell fall short of what the government expected him to pay for that as well. None of this is ever addressed because the question only asks for a yes or no answer and all the unfairness comes back and tries as your might to not feel dismissed or discouraged, in the end, it really does hurt and you very much do.
A letter can’t sum up all the pain, it can’t bring back the innocence of abused kids and even though, for the most part, it is over, it feels as if by choice we have opened up all the hurt that was never acknowledged by M. The temple for me is such a difficult place to go as an ex in-law temple worker continues to speak ill of me there. I know; the Lord’s house and yet even there it isn’t safe. Church is still hard as those he spoke to and professed my faults and harm to believe unequivocally in his words because he was once their Bishop, he couldn’t lie. There is times when one can be so weary of the uphill battle that rolling right back down seems a softer and more viable option.
So here’s where my heart comes into play. I love W so much, he is the answer to all the questions I ever asked about hope and truth and safety. We have come so far and sacrificed so much I must find and hold to the faith that those working with us will speak for the unfairness and that, with faith, a cancellation will be granted and W and I can move forward to our new life together.
There have been times when this journey has been extremely hard. There have been times when giving up seemed reasonable but I always had faith that things would get better. Well, those dreams have, for the most part, all come true. There isn’t a moment where I am not ecstatic about my life with W. There is never any doubt that this love we have was the way it should have always been and the way, with effort and strength it will remain for the rest of our lives and with hope, throughout our eternity together. This time, however, its so friggin hard I can’t even tell you. Pray for us please. I would never be so bold as to say I know how things will turn out but what I do know is that this process is hard for a reason. I just wish and pray that those with the authority will know that walking away was never an easy escape or excuse but was a choice to live and love and be happy as the Lord intended this journey to be. After every prospect of that a kind and fulfilling life with the ex was exhausted, after it was clear that they was never going to be a change from him with regards to his feelings of my spirituality and his abusive control using the priesthood as his excuse to exercise it, we set forth towards a fundamental and growing change for the rest of the family by letting go and in deed letting God.
Now, in the most real way of all, this is in God’s hands. I know he knows my heart; my hope is that those making the decision can feel of my heart as well.
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