Been A While!

Well, it's about time! I have been out of sight for a while. Planning for the big day. December 21, 2009 I married the man who taught me that everything is possible if you just let it go and trust your heart. I'll fill you in as I get back to the writing of this blog but let's just say.....HAPPY, HAPPY, Happy!

Sisters - Sisters

"While we were born sisters, we grew up to be friends."

~ Catherine Pulsifer

There are very few things I am absolutely sure of in life but one of them is very simple; I know I was meant to have M as my sister. We weren’t close when we were young. We played the sibling order well. I filled my role as the annoying little sister to perfection and because of that; it took time to get where we are today.

The other day, my sister told me of a time when I was not very nice. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a spiteful or a brow beating conversation. It was more a conversation of how far we had both come but as she reminded me of my words I became heart sick. It was at a time where if I truly was what I professed to be, those words would have never come out of my mouth. M, I am so sorry.

We went through Mom’s death together. It is different for women to lose their Mom. We both lost our best friend, our shoulder, our rock. Mom was the one you could vent to and then feel safe that your words were there, protected and cherished. She would then impart a wisdom that would allow you the freedom to see clearly. Her words were always wise and heartfelt.

On the day that Mom died, one of the most touching and moving experiences that has ever happened in my life, revolved around my sister and my Mom that day. I was, at that time, not particularly strong emotionally. M was a rock on the outside but crumbling inside. It was a difficult scene, Mom was struggling to stay alive and we were all around her. I followed my Aunt as each of us in the room took a turn telling Mom to let go, that we loved her and that she didn’t need to suffer any more. Mom had tears in her eyes; I know she was having a hard time leaving. What I knew more was that my Mom, being the person she was, couldn’t go until she knew everyone was ready.

M is always so strong; death is not easy to watch. My Dad took his turn and I could see the anguish in his face. He had been married to Mom for over 50 years. That is the hardest goodbye to ever see or watch. M wiped away the moisture from Mom’s face, leaned towards her, and released her. Mom then drew her last breath and departed. It was as if I part of who we were the defined daughter in us left too and then, as I looked at M the most amazing feeling of respect, honour and love came into my heart. She did what I never could have done. She held herself with honour and dignity and was an emotional support to Mom when she really dug deeper than she ever could to find the strength she needed to do just that. She had always been the greatest example to me and at that point in time, I knew it. I was honoured to be called her sister.

Mom always told us just how important a sisters relationship was. She had 3 sisters. My Grandma, her mother only had one sister. I grew up knowing just how lucky I was having M and now, I don’t know how I could even breathe without her. I am so blessed to have her in my life,
As I watch my girls, I become so proud. They are sisters too. They are becoming best friends.

The legacy continues.

Uncertainity at Best

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I relish in it's concepts and teachings of acceptance and love but I am struggling with the judgement that so easily comes from a culture that prides itself in "living God's Law".

I, like so many LDS members have come to terms with the choice of being tethered to what is really all you know to not feeling like you have finally had enough and just walking away. I apologize now, I am not a 6th generation Mormon so culturally that leaves me in a place where my words don't hold the merit that if I were, they would.

My sister asked me the other day why? She recounted the many reasons why not, the constant attacks, the trivial destruction of our home, the bashing within it's very walls of intolerance. All I could say is that I was tethered out of a belief that there is right there somewhere.

As I witness the endless pursuit of perceived religious perfection and see vibrant lovely young women bow and break under the cultural pressure to be all that and then some; I remember vividly the crushing intolerance of not being everything. Oh, okay, we say we don't as a church do that, but come on, really, just go into a young ward and really look. How many really happy faces do you see, really.

We used to share the building with one of those wards. One Sunday, I was walking down the hall, and coming towards me was a young women. Maybe 21 or 22. A very new infant was in her arms, maybe just a few weeks old and it was clearly hers. She had forced herself into a tiny pencil skirt and blouse and her hair was to the nines. What got me thinking was the heels she was wearing. They were so high. I am not saying she looked cheap. Just trophy perfect and because of that I knew she had gone to a lot of trouble to be that put together. What got me was her eyes. They were heartbroken and vacant. She was struggling. I knew her story, I had been there, maybe not the heels but definitely the drive for all to be just one, just complete, as defined by a culture that never is satisfied. I smiled at her. That's all. I didn't know what else to say or do. I had contributed to that belief of perfection through all the lessons I taught as a YW leader. I guess that's why I am writing this.

Too many of those amazing, funny, vibrant and incredible girls are getting lost in feelings of not measuring up. I want you to know that you are so wonderful. Life's challenges are there. Being tested is not a measure of your unworthiness. You are daughters of a kind and loving Heavenly Father and it's time to just be okay with the uncertainty of not being all that and then some.

The Jewish translation for "be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect". is not a statement of measuring yourself to God but more a belief in finding you own personal perfection. When I walked away from the cultural pursuit of being perfect and learned to define it on a much more personal level I have truly found the happiness than God has always intended for me.

Sure, at this point, I doubted I could descend much farther down on the Mormon social ladder but as I wake every morning one thing I am always sure of is God's great love for me. That I know..... for sure.

So here's what I am on about. I apologize to all the YW I taught for ever being part of the cog mire that said you had to be perfect. What I would say now is live, love and laugh always. That is all that this journey was intended for. Those three things will bring you to a perfection you will cherish. Please ENJOY THE JOURNEY.

I am about to impart on descending to the final and lowest rung on the LDS social ladder. I do it by choice. I am no longer driven by the need to be accepted by it. I love my family and in turn my family loves me, that is my perfection; that is my peace. I have added another love in my life, he is my world. He has taught me about what love was always meant to be. Because of W. I am complete.

Life Lesson #16 Take a deep breath.

#16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

So, this concept is one that I have only recently mastered and because I did, it has changed my life. Let me explain.

I am a person of “what ifs”. I tend to worry about what may happen or the possibility of chaos or change happening and would find myself changing my direction based on the possibility of chaos rather then the actuality of it. Dr. W caught this and because she did she gave me the courage and the skills to overcome the anxiety of the unknown, although I still talk the scenarios out, which now has given my life a greater sense of purpose. I am still working on this; it’s not that easy to overcome.

I don’t think you could ever imagine the amount of opportunities that were lost while I reasoned away the journey due to what may happen if I took it. I avoided problematic circumstances because I had no esteem to know that I could handle them. It’s an ironic situation. Going through difficulties gives you the experience to overcome more difficult ones but running away from the opportunities to grow makes it impossible to do just that; grow. Fear had brought my life to an emotional standstill. I was at a stalemate.

Oh sure, I rationalized it away. I was busy being a full time Mom, my life couldn’t possibly handle one more thing, it’s easy to assume the worst will happen and then when you don’t present yourself and nothing happens, you win. It was quicksand and I was sinking, terribly and quickly.

The change occurred in the understanding that “in all things I give thee experience”. Knowing that the set of circumstances you find yourself in are custom made and individualized and that you can overcome them by faith and prayer and an earnest effort gives you the strength to endure, overcome and become fulfilled. I have no fears now, even though I still talk out the what-if’s.

I am dating an amazing man with the patience to understand the fear and to listen. I may speak of the chances of chaos but they don’t burden me by seeing only the obstacles and running from the journey. In fact, now, it’s more of a way of road mapping the journey by actualizing the obstacles and preparing for them. It’s like a best case/worst case scenario walk through and then nothing surprises you. I have grown so much and seen so much joy by simply enduring and loving the journey that is mine, obstacles and all.

I now breathe, deeply, and move forward and while I do I am understanding God’s great plan for me. He does love me and he cares. I may not always do the right thing in the eyes of those who watch me but I am constantly striving to do the right thing for me.

Life Lesson # 15 Everything

#15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

To blink is absolutely fascinating. The process takes all of a microsecond and unless you are thinking about it, it happens involuntarily; without thought or consequence. But when there is something caught in your eye and the blinking is a result of irritation or allergy or whatever, it’s the outside influences that change the whole process, that create the most irritation. Think about it for a minute, if, without the outside irritant being involved, blinking just happens, over and over and you seem oblivious to it. It is a natural response.

Just a few months ago a dear friend was reminiscing about her life and how easy it was going. It was with foreboding that she said it and with hindsight it was as if she was preparing herself. I mean, the lives of her friends around her were littered with chaos and heartache and struggle and she was like, all about it maybe being her turn without ever really saying it. Then, it happened.

In the blink of an eye her son was nearly killed in a car accident and for the last few months she has been in the midst of her own chaos I doubt any of us could survive. She has had grace and dignity and challenges and she again has risen to the status of example. So what am I on about? That whole “blink of an eye” thing and the whole world changing in it.

It is when we become complacent that sudden and dramatic change can bring us to our knees. If we live with the knowledge that chaos, whether self inflicted or forced on us, is but a blink away, we survive and we grow. Now, here’s a bit of a disclaimer. Chaos has the ability to knock the wind out of us. You have a right to call for a reprieve and to breath….. both in and then out and then in again; to gather your emotions and to recompose yourself and to find the purpose. Then to sort whatever there is to sort out and move forward; always moving forward.

I had a struggle recently with my asthma. I try without fail to convince myself that I have just a mild case of it. I hack and I cough and I wheeze and there are times when I know it’s bad but I still insist that it is just a bad cold or maybe some allergies. Well, when I was with W a while ago I scared the begebees out of him and he insisted I see the Dr. (Let me state right here and now, I hate going to the Dr. I hate it with a passion and please, going to the hospital, don’t even get me started. I relented and promised I would.)

That Monday when I got back I went. Off in the corner of the large waiting room was a section of people all wearing masks and a large sign stating that if you had any of the mentioned symptoms to go to that particular place. As I moved towards the nurse and I explained I had Asthma she whisked me faster than I have ever been whisked before to a different area. A doctor saw me pretty quickly and an x-ray was taken. I knew I was in trouble when two doctors called me into a separate area and the x-ray was brought up on the screen. The two Doctors then explained the results of the x-ray and pointed out the massive infection all over the right lung.

Seriously, I knew I was having problems. I knew that my breathing was labored but what they then explained to me was that all those people in the other cordoned off section were suffering from the H1V1 (Swine Flu) and that with the way my lungs were at that moment, I would not survive an exposure. “A Blink of an Eye” moment. I had been laughing and sending the emails and joking about this flu and the reality was, for me, I needed to care. I was put on some heavy medication and had some stern warnings and at this moment, my lungs are much improved but I will never take coughing and labouredly breathing so lightly again. It took another to help me understand the fragility of my situation. I can’t leave my kids yet and I have to do everything I can to make sure I stick around to make their lives that much more fun. I’d say for at least another 20 or 30 years.

These moments, when things suddenly change for us, and our vision or life direction completely transforms are, whether we want them or not, good for us. We need to embrace, after the wind comes back into our sails, the lessons these life changing moments have for us and grow and get stronger and be what our lives were always intended to be. I believe with all my heart that my Asthma is a trial that I agreed to far before I ever came here. I knew the weaknesses our bodies would have; I knew that my struggle is here for me to overcome and to grow from. I am grateful for the lessons I continually have.

It is my prayer that I always embrace these lessons and never let them overcome me. They overcame me once in my lifetime. Whether it was good or bad it was a journey that I am grateful for having passed through. Life is, above everything, always about enjoying the journey.

Life Lesson # 14 Relationships

Life Lesson # 14.

"If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it."

I have sat on this for a while, not because I am ashamed but more because of how I might process and reflect on this life lesson. My life, in the church anyway, has been an open book for anyone to write on. Gossip and innuendo has been the fader and mostly, people have had it wrong until someone in the know would correct the misstatements’ so as to alleviate the embarrassment to my kids. Gossip is a staple of the Mormon culture and whether you want to admit it or not, we all become unwilling or willing, in some cases, participants in it. So here’s a heads up.

Yes, I am in a relationship. Now, I could stop at this but what fun would that be? I could leave you hanging and then you might say, “Oh, that’s why the posts are so sporadic now.” But the truth is I am having a great time dating and out of just about nowhere a relationship was borne and I am still, as of this moment, shocked that I am even in one. Let me explain.


W and I met on an internet site at about the time both of us were about to quit. I was on mostly as a curious bystander and had promised myself that I would answer any smile that was sent. W sent one and I responded, almost 9 months ago. We conversed back and forth and with each exchange I would give him all the reasons why I would be the most unlikely choice. He was patient and hung on and 6 months after first conversing I agreed to meet him at the temple. Shut up! I know that’s cheesy!


His picture did him no justice and above everything else W is kind; unbelievably kind and when I look back on all the prayers sent heavenward the first and most important quality was kindness. Guess what, the Lord sometimes gives you exactly what you asked for. We talk for hours and we challenge each other in the best of ways and we compliment each other in that many more. The one common thought is that time is the best way to really know someone and time is what we have. Four seasons and assembling something from IKEA, (somehow, I think with W’s brain that won’t be a problem). The inaugural season, as assigned by the Smith Children is Summer 2009. So if you are thinking of asking when any nuptials would be taking place may I suggest you hold that thought until summer of 2010. Life has already dealt one bad decision on my behalf; I am taking some extra time to make sure the next one has more staying power.


This step in my life required a faith and courage I have never experienced before and still does….. daily. Trust alone is one of the biggest issues and as W said, sometimes you just have to let it go and let see what happens. Well, I have done that and I can’t believe the happiness I have in my life now. When he isn’t here, I am incomplete and when the door bell rings and he’s there, my heart skips a beat and then settles into the happy hum of being in and loving someone and having that someone love me back. He offers no criticisms, no put downs, no snide remarks. He has redefined partner for me in a way I know is normal for all of you but so foreign for me at one time. Is this really what it was supposed to be all about?


Will this last? Hmnnnn, I don’t know the answer to that. We have three more seasons to go through but what I know now is that I am better for having known and for knowing W.


My kids are scared. They have trust issues and want time to get used to all of this. It’s funny, even though I am not the one who caused them all the pain I still face the consequences of the decisions of others. These consequences aren’t impossible to live with. It’s even easier when the two of you become a team, another concept that until now has been completely foreign to me. Go figure… team work being something you have no idea about even after a 25 year marriage. It is almost hysterical if it weren’t so pathetic. My children are learning to trust that I will take time and that knowing W is an important part of becoming a part of our family. Even with the few bumps we have had we are learning to get through this and to be okay. I love healing!


So, there you have it. I have actually admitted I am in a relationship. He is one incredible man and he has taught me that kindness and compassion does actually happen in the man folk. Oh yeah, and guess what, he listens too. Wow, did that take a while to get used to. So here is to the enjoyment of the journey for the next little while. With each new day I am learning what love was supposed to be about and not the destructive concept I had for so long. God does answer our prayers, we just need to be sure that we are aware of the answer; it can sometimes be much unexpected.


And to W, to whom I know reads my blog. Thank-you for coming into my life and helping me to trust and know that kindness is one of the greatest blessings one can give another and that the love languages we have are there to be seen and cared about. You are a giver to your very core and I am forever grateful for you bringing faith that giving is a quality each of us should always have and never be ashamed of and for allowing me the time to understand all of this. Patience is a virtue by which you are best described.


On that first drive along the Longview highway when you said, “sometimes you just have to let it all go and just let it happen”, was the best advice anyone has given me. You are one hell of a man and I thank-you for not only restoring my faith in all that manhood is but for giving my kids a reason to maybe look again and see that there are nice guys out there and that their Mom may have been lucky (I say blessed) enough to have found it.


And let me iterate to everyone else one more time; please don’t ask when we will be announcing our nuptials because that won’t be for a while. This isn’t like the first time. There are five precious gifts from God involved and they are just as much a part of this team as W and I ever will be. For heavens sake, W and I are barely used to all of this and it is our lives, I can’t imagine what it’s like for them.


Stay tuned…… this could be one hell of a ride.

#13 Don't Compare.

Life Lesson #13. "Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about."

So many times as we walk through our lives we become so reticent about our journey. I am so self respective and yet I often find myself in the motion of judgment and have to catch myself. I don’t know another’s steps and when I don’t stop to really breathe and think, I find myself wondering. I am not a judgmental person, I just wonder why and how come and I think about what would make a person think like that. I try to just watch but the ever so inquisitive mind I have rests in wonderment and then lay there to just try and figure it out.

I have had some serious trials in my life, and yet, there are some who believe I have had it quite easy. I look at others and think, wow, those shoes are hard to walk in and yet they trek through life like it was a marathon and not a thing gets in their way.

Here’s an analogy. The other day, friends and I went on a hike. When I spoke to my good friend WW I asked him to plan a “medium” hike that in the end afforded an outstanding view and that would be well worth the effort. Well clearly, my interpretation of medium and W’s is completely different. This was climbing a shale rock face and though completely spectacular and absolutely well worth it, to me, a harder hike, to WW, relatively easy. Can you imagine my amazement when a women who runs marathons jogged pasted us all, barely out of breath and ascended and descended the mountain in about ¼ the time we were. Ah huh…. Completely intimidating and yet her training and her desire got her to that point.

Covey calls this a paradigm. Where your perspective doesn’t quite meet the same standards as another who clearly sees and experiences the same thing but where both of you experience something completely different. Your view is your own and true and yet another’s is equally as true but different. How we experience our life is unique and self determined and provides the growth and the learning that is directly unique to us as God would see fit.

When I knew I was getting divorced, I chose to surround myself by the women I admire the most that had preceded me in the journey. These were those who were happy and moving forward and found absolute joy in the journey. They had left their pasts behind and were fully grasping the realities and hardships that were theirs but found more solace in the resolve of their lives than being bitter. Wow, what incredible women they were and what great examples. With each new step, they would enlighten me to the normality of what was happening.

Then came the time when what I was passing through was unique to my journey. There was no precedent and yet I had no choice but to precede and lay the path work down for others who would be following me. Because of all those great examples and because of the great support I had I was able to go forward and to do it with the grace and dignity these amazing woman had taught me. I was and continue to be so blessed.

What surprises me most is the amount I don’t know about these woman and the way that they have conducted themselves does not nearly reflect the chaos they have emerged from. I truly don’t know everything and yet, there is an understanding that, though silently suffered, their shoes are their own and they are beautiful.

My journey is my own and continues to be so. It is exhilarating and complicated and full of so much JOY I can hardly contain myself. What more can I say then truly, though each journey is unique and self guided, it has within its itinerary the lessons we can all learn to understand and grow from. Life is so good and living it fully is such a blessing. Enjoy your own journey – always!

#12 It's Okay.

Life Lesson #12. "It's OK to let your children see you cry."

“What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. ~Jewish Proverb”

Through these last few years my children have seen the display of every kind of tear that flows through every emotion my body has ever experienced. From the aching sadness of failure to the elation of a renewed life and for the most part they know that tears are truly the souls release to cleanse and purify. I have not hidden or forced my emotions on their lives but healthy living is experiencing these emotions and knowing that they are a part of life. It is essential for our children to know that these emotions; these tears, are a part of being okay with the universe.

So, I have gone from the heart wrenching ache of the kind of emotion that sends you to your emotional cave to recoup and understand your place, to the tears where you are laughing so hard at the irony of your chaos and the healing that lets you find the humor in it. It is rare for me to show this outside of the circle of my immediate family. In the beginning of the divorce some friends experienced it but as of late it is behind my closed doors where I can release the strain of the burden and let it cleanse my soul. It is now something I very rarely do unless I am overanalyzing my life.

Recently, I had a talk with my oldest daughter…BBG #1. She had concerns and she shared them with me and I, in turn, expressed my feelings and a part of me wanted her to understand that the tears I have now are from the shear joy of a happy life. When my kids and I are together the dynamics are so different and we truly have become the safe place for each other. The tears are fading and the laughter far surpasses them. It is in the letting in of another that my kid’s fears arise. This is so understandable but this is where trust has to play a major role. They must understand the tears I have shed all these years have purpose and are not wasted on unlearned experiences.

I cried hard a few days ago. Something I hadn’t done in a while. I was hurt and scared and thought the trials of my life were behind me and found them knocking down my door again. I am so happy and sometimes when those that love us fear the place they find us in they can express concerns, though out of love, that need to be addressed by only those directly involved. My tears were something a new friend hadn’t witnessed before. He was caught off guard and when I explained that my tears were my soul’s release of the pain I think he understood better. I cry but my tears end and I then go about the work to resolve the issues and find a way for the fear and pain to stop. I am healed. I am emotionally healthy. I am better.

Please, if you are in the middle of it, let the tears flow. Let them cleanse your soul and erase the difficult and heart staining emotions and allow yourself to start healing by allowing the “letting go” of the emotions that will lay you down. And know that behind every door may be one of your kids mourning the loss of your family as they thought it would be and give them the chance to grow and understand the family that is emerging from the ashes. Time is the healer and tears, the soul’s release.

Never be afraid to let your children see your cry. Never, but also let them see you laugh and grow.

#11 Make Peace

11. "Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present."

“I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.” Sophia Loren

This is such an essential rule to living that it seems self evident and yet as I attend LDS singles events and meet people the one difference between those that live, love and enjoy and those that don’t is this simple concept. Letting it all go is essential to “Enjoying the Journey!”

Please understand that there are some pasts that are so destructive that making peace comes at an immense amount of compromise and forgiveness. It can take years but without resolve it will rear its ugly head over and over again and it will erode any new life you try to forge.

I decided early on that I was going to purge the past. For a few simple reasons it was necessary. The first was the fact that every move I make, every step I take, is watched and my children need to know the purpose and peace that the atonement offers, especially the reverse side which gives you the strength to forgive even when those that hurt you feel no need for forgiveness. The second reason was for my own self esteem and growth. The words and torment are no longer a part of my life and reliving it over and over again held me down. I needed to surface and fly and the only way to do that was to let the chains that held me down go so that I could. Let me please bear witness to the flying, it is exhilarating and so worth it.

My life is so full of joy and happiness. It would not be so if I had not altered my expectations and come to terms with the reality that life can be unpredictable. I have had to come to terms with such amazing concepts and learned trust and open my heart to truths that were so foreign it is incredible to fathom. Every step I take forward is unknown and yet I keep moving forward and please, I over analyze everything! Be grateful you don’t live with me…. You should hear me…” I think I need to figure this out” or “Is this really happening to me?”

If I were to wallow in the past I would be laddened with such a heavy burden I might have given up ages ago but as I have carried on I have been able to peel off baggage with each new horizon and now, the burden is light. I acknowledge its existence and for those close to me, it is openly discussed and purged but I feel free. Scared for sure, but mostly free, and that has come by the simple adage of “letting go”. And let me add to that; Letting go and letting GOD.

Life Lesson #10 - Chocolate

10. "When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile."

I have never in my life been a real fan of chocolate. Sure, there are some bars that I love like a cold Kit Kat or a Dairy Milk right when the time is right to sugar rush but in general, it is something I can live without. I have actually lived without it when I swore off it just prior to the beginning of my divorce. I needed to find a reasonable way to work through the emotions of divorce and I doubt an addiction to chocolate would have helped.

I have friends that live, breath and die for the flavor of the God’s. They are connoisseurs and every meaningful occasion is accented by an incredible dessert that is divinely decadent. They then slave at the gym or run their hearts out while they pay the price for their sojourn into the “dark side”. It is here when I am grateful for those years I swore off it.

I think chocolate is a good allegory to life. Sin – like chocolate is sweet and tempting and probably not so good for us and resisting it can bring us an immense amount of character but at times…. you wonder why? Is chocolate or sin for that matter that bad? I haven’t had a ton of experience with both but for those who I have watched go through the sorrow of sin I can feel its intense influence in their lives. I wonder then why people do repeats, its crazy really. Clearly my inexperience is drawing conclusions here.
I hope that there will come a time in my life where by I can truly appreciate chocolate in my life. I have and so experience so many other amazing things, I am sure it will just add to an already rich and wonderful life.