Major Epiphany Moment!

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
~ Frederick Keonig

Okay – so; I had a huge, and by that I mean gigantic epiphany. My Monday was bad, really bad. It was so bad that I haven’t had one like that in a long time. Every insecurity, every ridiculous and absurd craziness came seeping back. I could feel it and I was mustering all I had to finally find the strength to just stand up and breathe.

Life is full of chaos. Some you control. Some is completely out of control and some of it just forces itself into your life. I have paid enough in therapy to know the differences but try as I might there is just some stuff, that if you ignore it, will haunt you and destroy your movement forward. I have learned to recognize the difference and accept the dysfunction this chaos can bring in. I can’t control others nor would I ever want to for very obvious reasons but the reality is, everyone doesn’t see the world the way you do and because they it doesn't give reason to call it wrong.

So let me explain.

My family is facing a crisis. My father is 82 years old and has tried to help with what is a helpless situation. No details but I honor his effort and there comes a time when you just have to recognize that as much as you don’t want to, you have to confront the dysfunction forced into an already crisis burdened life and deal. How much do you let in, how far do you invest your time, your resources, and your efforts when you could simply turn your back and walk away? You have no justifiable responsibility – maybe just a moral one. Do you walk away or help? That’s the question.

I doubt I can ever understand serious mental health issues like bipolar disorder or manic depression but turning your back on family for some just isn’t an option. Meet my Dad; the man least equipped to do so. Meet a family at wits end who are unwilling to investigate options and drop the ball out of frustration. Meet the ecclesiastical leaders who are facing a crisis of a LDS social services overburdened both in time and resources and you have the fuse to a family crisis.

Who steps to the plate when the one who initially did is cracking? Let’s face it, at 82, should he even had to? I want so much to not judge this, and trust me, I have already have but that doesn’t solve this crisis. For those who think emotionally and to whom promised the women who gave them life, that they would care for the man she loved, we rethink this whole situation and try to put an effort forth. And then, what of the one whose distance is preventing a hand, what do they do? This sucks on all levels and what’s hard is that we aren’t the only family facing this kind of crisis. We aren’t the only family fracturing because of this.

You want to talk about enabling, ah huh, I’ve voiced that. You want to talk about disappointment, voiced that too. What I mostly want to voice is that stress kills and who in their right mind would ever invite themselves into the middle of it? Who?

So Monday got overwhelming as the siren went out. In my expression of disappointments I was attacked in one of the cruelest irony’s I have had to face. It hit at the very nerve of my healing and it dropped me to the floor. I won’t even credit it with detailed mention but wow, harsh – really harsh. You think you know how someone feels and then their true feelings surface in a crisis, really, that intimate of a connection and really, that low of a blow.

There was a big difference this time however. W’s kind heart gave me something I have never, ever, ever felt before, a husband’s support. His preotective nature came into play. He addressed the attack and wow, now I know why I feel so safe. But here’s the epiphany, the big deal. As much as the attack hurt, as much as I dropped, it was not very long before I realized that even though this person is close to all the pain our family faced. As much as his attack was personal and so out of context. It didn’t matter. It was his opinion. If he feels that strongly about what I said, that what I expressed was wrong, isn't a crime. He has every right to interpret it any way he chooses. It is, above everything else, just his opinion. In the grand scale of things, his own weakness to deal with. It was my job to now get to dealing with my own weakness and to stop being so concerned about my truth being heard or for that matter, even cared about. Even from close family members.

And just as a side note here, expressing disappointment is not abandoning support. Take a look. My life is about listening and following priesthood leaders. Because of trusting their kindness and their guidance and their spiritual direction I have been able to get this far along in this amazing journey that I am on. Weakness is seen in the words that are used in an attack. I can’t personalize nor own your words as they simply are just your opinion. I know my truth, I know my strengths and having your words wound me is simply not the way I chose to go.

I am 6 years into healing, more if you count the 5 before in family therapy. This chapter of my life is done! I have moved on, the ex has moved on, the kids have moved on and it is OVER! If others, whoever they are, want to judge the rest of my life by the circumstances that really, are the business of only those involved, then so be it. I can no longer consume myself with waiting for the truth to set my family free. We already are.

How do I do that? By realizing all of the right that is in my life. By ignoring the inaccurate interpretation and judgment and find ways to express all that is exceptional. Instead of being frustrated by a cultural social ladder that has me on the bottom rung, simply just create the terms that says there’s no ladder in the first place and find like minded people. Ignore inaccurate interpretation and simply life, laugh and love and by all means ENJOY THE JOURNEY.

I have been so blessed. I could list it all but that would be tantamount to bragging. God has smiled on me and I would be selfish to not acknowledge his hand. To turn my back on helping others in distress or need is inviting Karma to bit me in the ***. My Dad needs my help, bottom line.

Dad, you are such an honorable man. I may disagree with your methods but I do honor your motive. It’s an honor to be called your daughter. We can surmount any burden united as a family. It doesn’t have to be all of us, not even the ones who should be carrying the burden in the first place, but this is doable. It’s time for you to enjoy 82 and hopefully a lot more 80/90 and 100 some-things after that.

And to the person with the hurtful words, thank-you. You made me realize the strength I had in me all the time and my hope is, that some day, you will be able to see that strength in me too.