This Much I Know

M. SCOTT PECK:
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

There has been something weighing very heavily on my mind and I questioned whether voicing it here on my blog would be beneficial. I realized a quote I had heard in high school where a teacher said “one voice spoken is 400 in agreement”. It was then that I decided to move forward with this and hope that those who know me will understand.

In these past few years I have genuinely struggled with my testimony. So much so that I truly set out to find out just where I was at and what I wanted out of life. So much of what I believed was based on things I have been taught and truly just accepted. I had prayed to know if the BOM was true and received an answer. I had also prayed about my first marriage and received an answer there as well. Can you now see how my irony has played out?

I decided first to “seek knowledge”. A short sojourn onto the net proved quickly I needed to be careful and unbiased. I went and bought the book “Rough Stone Rolling” by Richard Lyman Bushman in the church bookstore as I had heard that it was an excellent source. Wow, I picked it up and didn’t put it down for a number of weeks. It was an incredible read but it brought so many more questions to light.

I had read the “Journal of Discourses” in my 30’s and found it, at best – very confusing. Much of what was in there was far off from what I had been taught and I wondered, is this a resource or not? It was about this time that the “Mormon Doctrine” book was banned as a resource for church curriculum and much of everything else was as well. I was not unlearned. I tackled “Church History” volumes 1 – 7 and found it hard to follow. It was later that I realized it had been complied from a number of different sources. None of the information that I had read was piecing together for my much categorized mind. I was getting more and more confused. Let me state here for the record, I had a strong testimony through all of this. I knew the answer I had received was correct. I continued in my strong belief and relied heavily on the testimony as I was endeavoring to get through a very difficult life.

After finishing “Rough Stone Rolling” I understood now why we were losing so many of our youth and even stalwart generational members as well. The history of the church I was taught in Primary, Sunday school, Young Women’s and Relief Society had major differences to the history found in that book. The differences were not so much inaccuracies but omissions or as the “internet” community calls it; “sanitized history”. I felt let down. I couldn’t understand whether it was done deliberately or just that it was taken out as a matter of controversy. Either way, it felt as if I was not trusted to know the whole truth. Was this going to cause the lose of my faith? That was the question.

I researched even further both on the internet and through church books; the library; steering clear of any information that was slanted to criticism or “anti” attitudes. The more I read, the more I became confused. It was a difficult time.
The most struggles came during the time of my divorce. I began to lose tract of the source of my struggles and my anger seemed to grow. I was confusing what I was angry at and as those who judged became more vocal I lost sight of what the struggle was really all about.

Here steps in great priesthood leaders, great friends, and great advice. A wonderful book called the “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner helped tremendously and an amazing website; http://www.staylds.com helped as well. I was able to see that my struggle was not had alone. I read and learned and reached a point where I understood that what I knew to be true was true for me.

Now, you may assume a lot of things by that last statement. I will not be correcting any of it. I find so many profound and amazing truths in so many places. I am not one of those people who think good ideas can only come from LDS people. I love the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zucker, Deepak Chopra and the Dali Lama. I have read about the ancient aboriginal teachings and Native American beliefs. It’s funny, this bothers some members and yet our 11th Article of Faith states: “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.” This article tells me that if we want others to allow us to worship how we wish, we need to respect their worship as well. None of the men I mentioned ask you to follow their faith. They are just general principles of spiritual living. I am better for having read their words.

Here lies the conundrum. Where am I now? The answer is simple – evolving. I am reprogramming my mind to the gospel truths that are found in our scriptures, not the ones profoundly pounded though emotional and yes, spiritual abuse.

I have such a strong testimony of Christ’s endearing love for me and for my place as a daughter of my Heavenly Father’s. I may never fully be able to understand the history of the church and the reasoning behind decisions better left unquestioned. I know for me, Joseph Smith was a prophet who was a man. I have more than I should ever have had, insight into leaders who though they do good can be very different behind closed doors. I have understanding to the principle of “one man’s opinion”.

I am coming to terms within a much broader scope of understanding. I love that nothing is absolute for me anymore. I have my own thoughts and my own beliefs and I feel very comfortable with the testimony I have. I know that there are some who would disagree and feel that maybe I am soft or changing because of outside influences but if I were to have done that, the change would have already happened.

I can’t say that it will always be okay but what I can say is that for me, this works. I have no expectations of anyone around me and to tell you the truth I find the company of those who see life as a kaleidoscope rather than a clear cut vision more appealing to be around.

When I think of the Savior and his life here on earth I am gently reminded of his path in his religion. He was seen as a radical, he didn’t live to the standard rules and he saw things in a much broader way. His beatitudes speak to the change he was trying to facilitate on a religion that defied change because it was went against protocol. How many failed to recognize the Savior because they were so stuck in a mindset unwilling to even see. And again, this is just my opinion; please know that; because I am sure that some of my Jewish friends would whole heartedly disagree with me.

So if I have left you confused as to my stand on my struggles and my testimony then you have joined me. I still remain active and am constantly seeking truth. I am surrounded by numerous opinions, all of which I respect. Choice, above everything is the cornerstone to our lives here. I give homage to those choices all of us make. I refuse to speak to anyone’s judgment and their positioning in heaven. I know from personal experience that there are those whose lives are tied so infinitely to the rules and to the rituals and have little or no concern for the souls surrounding them and yet feel with deep self realization to then proclaim a celestial result and then I meet those that humbly move through life seeing a whole picture, sacrificing and meeting the needs of others and forgo the black and white of religion to aid the grey. Mother Teresa is a case in point. Can we really say, well, I won’t go there, that would be judging.

Here is what I know. I am better in many ways because of my faith and in other ways, at the others hands who took our faith to an extreme and removed choice, I am worse. Because I had both I can say I have known both. The balance has given me a different paradigm. For my daughters, who only experienced the extreme, the choice is not so easy. Being Mormon for them was so hard, so painful, so very difficult and unforgiving. Details best left unwritten have taken them down their path. I have heard every argument, I know the pain of the culture that never forgets and let’s face it, can be cruel. And yet, I am still here. Like I said – evolving. It hasn’t hurt me to the point of leaving.

Someone said to me that I will never be fully healed until I let the religion go. I paused and knew that for her, that was true. Who, in the end, will be condemned? The man whose cruelty nearly destroyed the lives of five people? A social group that taunted and harassed until being at church became a nightmare, or a soul that knew peace would never be found between those walls.

This is where my testimony lies. God is great and only He knows our hearts. I know that for sure, it is my truth. I am His daughter; my divinity gives me strength to endure. I hold to that as I regain my stance in the shadow of a truly inspirational and caring man who, though fully aware of my questions, still finds me spiritual and equal, even if I question.

So I conclude with a quote from Mother Teresa, she sums it up very well.

MOTHER TERESA:
Keep in mind that our community is not composed of those who are already saints, but of those who are trying to become saints. Therefore let us be extremely patient with each other's faults and failures.