“Living with integrity means:
Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
Asking for what you want and need from others.
Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
~ Barbara De Angelis:
I have found some more of myself! I wasn’t all that aware that there were parts of me still missing but alas, there were, and I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of exhilaration that came to me as this part settled on my soul. It’s like another piece of the fractured picture had found its place in the puzzle of my life and the picture is beginning to be beautiful again and I like it, maybe even love it.
It came in a wave of resolve and very unexpectantly.
Let me explain.
I couldn’t be happier than I am now with my life and my envisioned future. I know there will always be bumps and road blocks but I am not nearly as afraid of them and more importantly I care little about what others and their opinions of me or the way I live my life have; excepting those whose opinions matter in my life. I have finally let it go and because I have when new disappointments come, they seem so much simpler to handle, so much easier to overcome.
There was a time when I was engulfed in anger, frustration, helplessness and sadness and felt I completely out of control. I remember that everything pissed me off back then. Even holding the door open for someone and not receiving a thank you for doing so could spark a nasty under my breath comment and an intense internal rage. I was always looking outward and justified so much of my own unhappiness because of the actions of others around me and there seemed to be nothing that brought me peace, absolutely nothing. I tried; let me tell you, I tried. Scriptures, prayer, meditating, time outs, time away, I did all of it but what was lacking was the paradigm that I needed to discover to find my soul’s peace. I needed a shift of perspective. This would only be realized by looking inward rather than outward.
So, I think I have come to be in tune with my authentic self now. Not just what I think I should be but what I know I should have always been. There is still a bit to work out but for the most part – VERY HAPPY – EXTREMELY HAPPY!
Enjoying the journey is such a revelation to a good life. I can be negative, don’t get me wrong, it happens, but I just try and catch myself and I am accomplishing that earlier and earlier with each new day. My heart is full and settled and trusting again and even further to that, I am unafraid of being hurt because I can know now and believe I can even survive that.
So the AHA moment came when after going through some uncomfortable situations I realized that I had done so unfazed. Rattled a bit but free from the desire for justice or restitution or even vengeance. I kind of laughed because there were moments when the only way I could go through these kind of situations was by being heavily medicated and spending a great deal of time in bed. My soul and my mind are at rest and because they are I seek first to see intent (understanding) and not place judgment as I had always done before.
As many wrongs that there are still in my life, as many injustices that exist, I will not let any of it into my happy life so as to disrupt the JOY I have so often in my heart. It’s a resolve and a conviction to be still, to be settled and to be at peace. Even being around anger and contention is uncomfortable for me. I still need to shed the comparing of the serenity I have at present to that of my past anguish but I compare not out of anger, frustration or pain but as a testament and witness to the healing and movement and love I feel throughout my life.
For 25 years I envied the relationships around me that were working without ever truly understanding that I was in fact allowing a pity party all unto itself. How much blame can you give if you invite the hurt yourself into your life? After finding the boundaries I so desperately needed to build up around me I can now testify to the place of healing you establish for yourself by erecting them. There is joy in the journey waiting to be realized but you must first define that joy for yourself and not seek others to do it for you. This is the universal truth to healing – from anything.
I have said so many thanks to so many people but I have failed to ever truly thank myself. I have found my authenticity because I got off the floor, brushed myself off and opened myself up to the possibilities I never thought possible. I still remain in gratitude to my God, my family, my friends, and mostly to my love; Wayne, but because of the Aha moment, I am now able to express gratitude even unto myself.
So here comes the part of the journey where balance is the essential key. I pray that I can find it fully and give back all that was ever so unselfishly given to me. It’s the principle of “paying it forward” and I am now on a journey of embracing just that!
Wish me luck.
“No man can purchase his virtue too dear; for it is the only thing whose value must ever increase with the price it has cost us. Our integrity in never worth so much as when we have parted with our all to keep it.” ~ OVID
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