Reasoning the Unreasonable

"Why do you make surviving all about being abused? Is that all you hope to be and all that you are about?"

Surviving is about dealing with the scars from the abuse we endured and overcoming the pain from the past as we allow ourselves to heal. When it comes to spreading awareness, survivors use their stories of how they were abused to open people's eyes to the truth about what really goes on behind closed doors. Survivors are not all about being abused. No, we are about shedding light on the truth and we reach out to others by sharing our own experiences. We're about educating people on the dangers of abuse and exposing the truth for all to see. We're about giving other survivors and victims hope and faith that they can have a life after abuse and live an abuse free life. That it is possible. There would never be any change and none of us could ever make a difference if we didn't share our experiences with others. The life of a survivor and victim is not all glitter and glam. Abuse is not pretty and neither are the battles we face after we go from being a victim to becoming a survivor.

~ Abuse no More Tina H.

It's been a battle of the flu for the past few weeks. When my body is weakened my heart and soul becomes vulnerable. I spend my days recovering and my mind then wanders, back, to a more unpleasant time. It happens less and less now and I am so grateful for that but when my mind does recall the emotions what forefronts the most is regret coupled with the guilt that had I just been stronger, braver, whatever it could have been, I would have spared so much more harm to the blameless; my kids.

2012 brought about so many changes, mostly for the good. I saw myself stronger than I have ever been. I have reconnected to people I never thought possible and realized just how others needed distancing. I have disappointed family and I have impressed others. I opened up to possibilities of a better future and made bold decisions. Overall, I am improved and that is all we can mostly hope for when we look back on a past year.

My writing has dramatically slowed down. I would hope it was because I am a more content person. I think time management may be in play as well. Either way, I think I need to focus more on a resolutive prose, a healing narrative because I think, for the most part, the anger has dissipated.

I was on the FmH FB page today, a thread about ecclesiastical inaction over spousal and parental abuse was filling quickly. I comment so little on these forums, mostly because my emotional responses still hold so much anger and hurt they become ineffectual. Over and over the comments contained the lack of response from Bishops and Stake presidents in abuse matters. Every part of me wanted to write something, say something and yet all that I could even muster was "did you really think it would be different?"

Through everything the one most apparent lesson I have learned in this matter is that all the promises made through conference talks, RS lessons and sacramental talks from the pulpit is NOTHING will ever be done though empty promises of change are never ending. It's the reality of being a Mormon women in a church of misogynistic leadership, a "good old boys club" of protection.

Why can I say that? I have lived it. It's my reality.

I am not going to even bother with the details, too many and familiar. I think over 1/2 of the single members of the church have a story to tell. My bet would be most would find themselves exactly where I am; out of the fold.

I am going to do something today, I never thought I would. I am moving forward with removing my name.   For so many more reasons than this, when people ask me "are you Mormon?", I don't want to answer Yes any more. There is nothing, doctrinally, historically, or socially involved in Mormonism that I find any longing to be a part of anymore.

Why now? 

Let M answer that. 

It's time.

It's IRONIC really, the "good ol boy's club" saving the one and in turn losing 5. 

I have hope is those young FmHer's. Maybe they can affect change, maybe they will make a difference. Maybe their generation of singles sisters will garnish a respect so few of my generation were ever afforded.

Regrets

“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.” ~Charlotte Bronte: Jane Eyre

Every once in a while my whole soul gets basted in the regrets of my past journey. I over analyse every mistake and every direction taken incorrectly and find myself self inflicting the lack of forgiveness required to overcome the consequences of those mistakes.

Had I been strong and full of the confidence to not allow myself to be abused I could have spared so much pain for every other member of that journey we shared. I have no doubt that with the self confidence to simple speak up in a positive and assertive way rather than shrink into the destructive pattern I might just have saved the heartache that some members of my family feel now. Oh, if I could just go backwards in time and be a better example, what I would give.

What am I on about?

Thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy taught me one of the most vital lessons to a healthy life. Change is entirely self driven. You cannot change others you can only change yourself. period.

So, what that means is, if life isn't working for you, what can YOU do to change it. Once I understood that concept I then knew that if I did all I could do to change my life, to make it better and those within it were unwilling to find the change in themselves a well, well then, that might just be an indicator to move on.

I think that sums up pretty neatly the reason I chose to walk away from a 20+ year marriage.

My fault lies in letting it be so dysfunctional for far too long.

I have had some time in the past few weeks to really look hard at who I am and what I am about.

Best described would be imperfect, completely, utterly imperfect.

I am so full of so many regrets.

I was set back by the actions of another, someone I thought would have had at least the decency to acknowledge his responsibility to his son, but he didn't. Didn't even answer the email to say no, just silence.

I have had to have my son wait now to fix a health problem that is huge. For the first time, I am overwhelmed by the financial responsibility of my children.

I remember my Mom, when I had no where to go but her house at 43 years old. she said: "I love you, I can't give you much but what I can give you in a roof over your head and food on the table."

When does our responsibility end as parents? When do you stop feeling the pangs of need your children have?

I guess for M, the day he married his second wife. That was the last day he ever contributed anything.

I used to say, when we were first married, that he was the kind of man that would do anything to provide for his family. Well history has proven me wrong.

When push came to shove, I was out at the $6.oo/hr job while he was home "working full time trying to find a full time job",  hmmnn, is that what he still says?

I have men angry these past few weeks, wanting to blame someone for this situation, wanting to scream, shout, do something to have M see that even legally, we could go after him to force him to help, make him help.

What good would that do?

Well, this is a tough one to let go, to not stew over. Being sick didn't help in the process of "letting go" either.

So, to get back to where I started, regrets can cripple a soul. Over and over again I have said that if the sole purpose of that 25 year marriage rests in that 4 beautiful, oh wait, that's six now, people are in my life fulfilling every warm part of my sole then I guess it's time to put away the regrets and get down to the living.

I know this post doesn't make sense, its a bit because it was started a month ago, medications still working and sometimes our pasts just simply don't make sense, ever.

Beginnings

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. 

But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. 

~ Sir Winston Churchill

I have always loved nature. I can't remember a time when being outside for me wasn't a testament of a loving God who provided such an amazing universe. I wonder if it was all those beautiful Sunbeam lessons about the Sun and the rain and the plants that used to be the guts of those early primary manuals. Either way, whether it be the LDS church or God, taking a big breath anywhere I go helps me to know who I am and what I am about on my sojourn here. 

I was away this holiday season. It was the first time in all of my years as a mother I wasn't with my children. I was with W's family who have taken me in as one of them and they are the "salt" of the earth. They are "GOOD" people.

They live in northern BC. Plenty of people wonder how anyone lives north of even Calgary but there is a particular type of Canadian that thrives in all that Canada has to offer both in the summer and winter. These H's know just how much joy can come out of living in the north. I can't describe just how much beauty there is up there, I would do it a disservice. I was in awe and still believe it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

I haven't seen that much snow in one place unless a very bad storm had gone through Calgary. To them; it was the snow "so far".  It piles up thru to March and then melts and then spring comes and it becomes a beauty that Spring can only bring to a winter wonderland.

I dream of living in a place where the seasons are full and the landscape rustic. W continually tells of his adventures when living in Prince George and just how much he would love to live in a similar place where the pace is easier and the people, well, I don't know, the people are just different.

On the day we left, we woke early and it had snowed nearly all night. W filled the truck and we wished our hosts good bye. As we came out from behind the house and there, I saw it. Something I had never witnessed before. I can't say why I haven't, maybe because the Rockies illuminate so much over our western horizon in Calgary that it might get lost or maybe because I just never had noticed it before but there, through the woods, the moon was setting and my heart was stilled. What an unbelievably beautiful movement. 

I grabbed my camera and did the best I could to capture it but nothing in visual print could ever compare to the feeling I had of seeing the moon set. Weird I know, but wow, it moved me; changed me really. I wondered how someone could actually get to over 50 years old and never see the moon set so beautifully.

I have taken some barbs over these new relatives of mine. Someone once asked me to remove a nephew's FB feed over his hunting pictures. I have always refused. Not out of defence for his hunting but out of his defense to hunt. The H men are all alpha males. They hunt, they fish, they define "red neck" Canadian and yet each one of them has a tender heart for the women in their lives. They treat there mother like gold, and puff their chests in all it's maleness but still let there women be the women they are intended to be. The H women (including D) are clearly the strongest women I have ever met. They glue this family and they live life more fully then any other women I have known. They call  a spade a spade and expect the game to be fair. They have changed me for the better. Being in this new family has helped me heal in a way I never thought possible.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Just checking in, I am 12 hours north of Calgary in Prince Gorge BC spending Christmas with my husbands family. It is the first time in 30 years I am without my children. It's harder than I thought but we will be together for New Years. w's family are incredible, they have been so amazing! It truly is the great white north up here, pics to follow. Today, a moose sauntered through the yard, spent about 2 hours making his way across the acreage, it felt like I was in w's idea of heaven. The way the snow falls here is different than anywhere else I have been, I can see why they live here, it's stunningly beautiful.
My kids are well taken care of, spending time with loved ones, I am so grateful for that. Well, gotta go but hey, Merry Christmas all!

Bitterness, no just angry!

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire, it burns it all clean.
~ Maya Angelou

2012 has been a hard year. I hadn't expected that when it started, it did however prove to be a bit of a struggle and I will say, I am grateful it is coming to an end.

I was going over the blog posts from the last year, reminiscing of the bipolar nature of some of the entries. Saw some growth and saw more importantly the weak areas. Having that ability to look back through your words is so enriching. I have been journaling for as long as I can remember, it has saved me a few times.

So, as in all the other posts;

What am I on about?

On Sunday, W, D and I were sitting in the family room watching movies, laughing and enjoying the end of the weekend. The puppies ears perked and then became restless. They danced around and made some noise and we shushed them. They settled soon after and we thought nothing more of it.

In the morning, as we were leaving for work, there sticking out of the mailbox was an envelope. I knew as soon as I saw it what is was and this sense of frustration welled up inside me. Really? Really? Wow. I had heard in June we had been placed on the "no Contact" list some time ago by our old bishop. All those months I had thought people had just dropped us and then I found out it was an organized shunning.

You see, the last time I had spoken to the bishop my words were that if we were to get home teachers again, could he at least make it a pair that would come. I guess in bishop speak that means stay away, at least in his mind anyway. For months I had felt so abandoned. In reality it had been an organized exclusion. All of a sudden, it seemed to all make sense and I got angry.

But the anger turned to bitterness and I got lost in it and then all the little things that I used to be able to let go seemed to be piling up again. I was snowballing into the dance and I knew that it was a dance I was really no good at. I realized it was time to get the hell off the dance floor.

Reading the letter reminded me of the dance.

It also came at an inopportune time.

I am in a bind with raising boo. He has a nearly $10,000.00 dental/orthodontic bill and for the first time since doing this alone I am seeing debt that seems insurmountable. It'd be lovely if this was all cosmetic but boo has some real overbite issues and the work has to be done, we knew this when he was 13, we knew it was coming I just didn't expect to being doing it alone.

Boo has made every offer in the book, to forgo Christmas, quit school for a semester, sell his car. W has even offered to pay and struggle with me. I just can't ask that of him, D is not his kid. And D has done far too much. given up so much already to lose anything more than he already has.

So I did something I thought I'd never do again. I decided to ask M for help.

I asked boo what he thought, through the conversation, as hard as it was, I knew he had to be every part of this journey. He has given up so much and worked so hard to keep the things in his life he truly loves. I wrote the first letter and D gave his 2c worth. It was sent.

It was ignored. I could have been bitter but I can't afford to be.

Last night D and I tried again. We sat and Boo talked and I listened. The letter was written quickly and sent and then this flood gate opened and it wasn't the one you would think.

D talked about G and about his life and about what it meant to be broken. As I heard him talk about his pain and his loss and the sacrifices we will need to make in order for him to have a pain free life I realized I get to be angry, I get to be pissed about a man that doesn't understand what he has done by ignoring the letters. Oh maybe he does know, maybe it's about getting even.

I wonder sometimes how we balance the bitterness and the anger, especially at this time of year.

I'll find a way to make this work with Boo. Years from now we'll laugh about it in the same sick way we laugh now about some of the most horrible things that happened years ago. It is a twisted way of coping and when we laugh it means in a very real the anger is subdued and the bitterness wasting away.

The bonus of this whole mess, hearing my son talk about falling in love and being in a relationship of shared values and mutual respect. Of where he thinks it might be going and what she means to him. You see, that kind of night, makes this journey so worth it.

Yeah, it's going to be hard and yeah, it's a bit frustrating to have a man that you shared over 20 years together be such an asshole that he can't even answer a letter but what I have now reminds me that being bitter is just not the answer. Just get mad, vent and then let it go.

Letting go as I type.

And there were tears.....

“Weeping is not the same thing as crying, It takes your whole body to weep, and when it`s over, you feel like you don`t have any bones left to hold you up.” ― Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer

Wow, what a week. It seems that when you feel the most secure, somehow, the proverbial rug knows it and it just comes out right from under you. When that happens, W whisks me to my happy place and zen is soon upon me.

Where do I begin, well, lets talk pants.

My only real contact left with the Mormon Church comes from membership to a few Facebook groups. One being the FMH or feminist Mormon housewives. Love those girls. They are unafraid of their own commitment to change. A blog was posted about a thought. Wear pants to church in support of gender equality in the Mormon faith. Another member put it into action and before you knew it all hell broke lose.

I joined knowing full well that I wouldn't be showing up to church in pants. For obvious reasons, me at church in pants wouldn't be about the pants but that I was even at church at all. The point would then be missed but I wanted to be a part of it in the way I could; a support number, one of the over 2000 that saw this as possible.

Well, when you join a group what happens is you get the updates and by 10am on Wednesday my iphone was creating a nuisance, bang, bang, bang. WTH! I opened FB to find one of the most obnoxious occurrences on FB I had ever seen.

Death threats, seriously? Over wearing pants to church. Penis implants. Really? Is a woman donning a pair of pants at church that threatening? Really? By Thursday at 1pm FB had to actually pull the site down. WOW, can we say Mormons behaving badly?

Private inboxes were filled with hate, women were berating each other and what was once a thought now appeared to be a full on war to get those snarly FMH'ers back into their kitchens preferably barefoot and preggers. 

I have to say I wasn't surprised, those of us who have been on the receiving end of Mormons behaving badly know just how capable people can be at dispelling hate in the name of their righteous indignation.

I actually wept for those young woman who honestly set out for a dialogue and ended up being crushed with hate. They held their own but it was a battle that wounded many. It may have even changed some long held thoughts that change can come from within? I hope not though.

No sooner had the dust settled from the first round when news of the Newton massacre was leaking out and somehow, pants seemed trivial. 

Hate is hate. It can be dispelled in words, in written attacks and even with a gun. The levels that one reach is most often associated to mental health. I am thinking the BYU student who wrote on the pants wall that all those women wearing pants to church needed to be lined up and shot in the head may possibly be rethinking his words in light of Friday's happenings.

I doubt we will ever know what brought a 20 years old young man to ever walk into a room full of young children and aim let alone shoot an automatic weapon killing almost all of them. There is a part of me that hopes I will never understand why because somehow understanding that is inconceivable to me. Understanding it means I understand that kind of evil and I just don't want to go there.

Same with all the hate that was dispelled to those beautiful women at FMH. I will never understand that, ever!

So today, as I open the FMH FB group and see picture after picture of women and children and husbands and sons in purple and pant suits I wonder if because of all that happened this week they were all saying so much more than anything a simple pair of pants could have said. It was more than just gender equality, it was about standing up for it all, for everyone.

Love those girls, just love em!

Integrity

“If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” ~JK ROWLING

I was reminded today about integrity, in an odd way as a matter of fact, and it made me wonder; what is integrity? 

I am taken back to a funeral, a crazy nightmarish time between making a decision and actually following through with it. 

There I was completely humiliated and facing a group of people who had only heard hateful things about me at the mouth of the person who had died. There standing at the pupil was another man who announced that the person who had died was a man without guile. 

I thought to myself, "are your serious?" 

In the 20 plus years I had known him for the good I did see him do what I knew of him was he had guile and spite and could be incredibly mean when he wanted to be and in the few months before he died I had felt every sting he had intended for me and I was at a loss. How can anyone not see that side of him? How could anyone stand and say he was without guile.

I think I walked away that day trying really hard to understand not only myself and my perspectives but what is it that we leave behind that could have two such opposing points of reference to a single soul?

Fast forward nearly 10 years.

I heard my ex referenced as a man with integrity.

What? Really?

Integrity is such a huge part of what brings value to a full life. To what measure can one be integral?

My soul stirs with anger when I think that he is referenced this way?

Everyday I pick up the pieces of the remnants of what M has imploded into our lives. His actions caused such an intense amount of pain, his continued disregard to any kind of support financially or emotionally in his son's life, I could go on and list thousands of reasons why integrity is the last word that should ever be used to describe him and yet, those he has so easily hid all of what damage he has left behind him, do in fact call him that.

And it may me think.

I live in a different world now. The people I interact with would describe integrity much differently than my old life would agree to. Where M lives now, no doubt, they see him as a "Job" like character who suffers through not being able to work, not having contact with his children, a crazy ex wife who seems to just hate on him without quitting and I am sure this is all they know. If that is all they have to reference it then he can be referenced to integrity.

He did the damage, more than some will ever know and then he ran.

Everyday, I face his words, his guile. his actions in ways some will never understand. I wish I could have all the pain and all the hurt and all the abuse just wash away. In reality it has become the past for most of us but it's left us broken in ways that surface occasionally and we are continually forced to live through the craziness and upheaval of being broken.

I think this is why leaving the church became part of my journey. Because there will always be a difference of opinion to what really makes a man integral.

I can't undo the past, I can say I'm sorry and I can try as best as I can to undo the damage. Sometimes that means hurting and holding myself as I watch my children grow. 

I didn't run, I have always been here in and amongst the broken pieces that are slowly forming into a beautiful work of art.... a healed family. I don't invoke the sympathy of strangers telling tales of woe. I take the anger, the frustration, the JOY and the love that comes from getting through a difficult life and I hold it dear to my heart. I am there to be proud, to shoulder the pain and to sometimes be the focus of the anger because as Dr W said, "you're the one they get angry with because they know you will always love them, no conditions."

I don't know the actual definition of integrity, I really, in the end don't care what it is I just know that I have to live with differences of opinion. I live each day knowing my role in why my family broke and continue trying everyday to make it just a little more right.

So, did the man without guile have it? Yes, towards me he did but to the man who spoke at his funeral I am sure he never once saw it so his talk was referencing his perspective. It was his truth.

To those that see M as integral, I am sure he is in every way.

For me though, I would say differently as I am sure he would of me.

Someday maybe M will know in his heart what happened had a lot to do with his actions and maybe then he will say sorry. I think that will be when I may find a way to see some kind of integrity in him. Until then though, I just can't see it.

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

The Sound of Silence

Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent. ~ Dalai Lama

So it's been a while. I've been incredibly busy at work and mostly I have wanted to think deeply and try and remember what the purpose of this blog is.

To remind myself and others what that purpose is.

"Enjoying the Journey" is a historical record for my children and their children and their children and so on and so on in my journey to find JOY.

It's been hard the last few months to be joyful; to find the purpose in the events that I was struggling with. In the end though, at least this series of endings, silence has rewarded me.

That being said, I did however, lose it last week.

Here it goes.

"I've tried to find some quote or some wise words of wisdom to address a post. I have stayed silent for a reason but when my faith comes under criticism because people see my walking away as some lack of it, I get angry. Sometimes the weakness for some (and by that I mean SOME) is in the staying. When you have walked my path and when you can know my heart then maybe you might be able to understand.

I have never been more faithful or strong. I am willing to show my weaknesses and more importantly I see them more as way to grow in my humanity and not some indicator of a lack of faith. Yes, FB is a ridiculous place to say this but come-on, it's truly the only place left that any of you have contact with me outside of the very few that have taken the time to find out what really happened. I think, for the first in a very long time I am finally who I was always meant to be. What is so offensive, that I left or that I left and found myself? Yeah, its a rant, but seriously, this is old. I am purposely quiet, I have accepted that ALL of us, by the very PLAN OF SALVATION of the church you hold so true to, grants that I have this choice. I am not ANTI MORMON, I am not a standard bearer for ex-mormons, I am not someone who bashes the LDS faith on a regular basis so why must you find such reason to call into question mine. Faith, by definition; your definition, is a hope for things unseen, if you only knew what my hopes were instead of judging them. I have known the best of people in my old religion and the worst, why are the the most insensitive the loudest? Maybe your post wasn't directed at me, maybe I am a bit sensitive but overall, moments like this are when I am grateful I am free to be, say and love in a world that accepts everyone without an exclusionary clause. Rant OVER!"

I totally lost it on FB. One of the few remaining LDS friends I have left posted a quote from the infamous conference talk about those who leave. It has in-sighted major discussion on the forums and blogs of many an ex-mormon, hurt deeply many who didn't just "give up" as the quote would have insinuated. I've read, listened to and studied the words and I simply choose to ignore them understanding the never ending principle of "walking in my shoes".

Something snapped inside me that moment I read the quote posted on FB, maybe because it was someone I admired, someone who had been dorment on FB and who's only glimpse at my life comes through FB.I can't say exactly why but I wrote, hard, my feelings.

I could go through it all again, about the loneliness, the broken social environment, the lost life but it's mute but what I can say is no one would volunteer this life without first reasoning and knowing it is the HARDEST path and not about the easy choices. Nothing about the last 2 and some months of my life have been easy.

He has since contacted me and apologized. (the friend who placed the post) and I have said as well that I had been too sensitive.

Those who KNOW what happened understand why leaving really was the only choice when it came to the emotional healing of not only my life but my family's as well.  That's really all that needs said.

As I was mulling all of this over I was reminded of something that made FB and all the rants and raves and intrusions worthy of whatever the outcome is.

A pet peeve I have had of late was all the "evil verses good" rhetoric of the American election that was inundating FB. It became a gong show of sorts and when the personal attacks of Obama became almost an hourly occurrence I removed myself for a while because I had to remain silent so others would respect my need for silence. When it was all said and done, the American election I mean, and all of the Mormons who were calling it the end of days as they knew it were going crazy on their walls, up popped this....

"still a beautiful day in the greatest nation on earth! I hope that both sides put politics aside and do what's best for the country! God Bless the United States of America!!"

I haven't met my nephew's wife, I am not even sure whether she or he wrote it but there it was amongst all the gloom and doom and poor sportsmanship; a simple line that reaffirmed to me that even in the haven of all things Mormon was a young family that understood that healing needed to be done so what's "best" could be accomplished.

I realized when my friend messaged me and asked if it was his words that had offended me I had to make the choice to understand and to realize that some feel very differently than I do about a lot of things. Thinking differently isn't the issue, it remains in the demand that you or I must all think the same.

I escaped that world, shaped by narcissism and religious zealousness. In each day I pray with the gratitude of knowing who and what I am in my God's eyes knowing that I have no monopoly on His existence. I am grateful everyday for the peace I have in the silence I seek so profoundly for.

18629

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” ~ Virgina Star

Day 1 - of the beginning of my 52nd rotation and I already feel deflated. I will pick myself up and I will move forward yet again.

God I hate pity parties, they are getting so frickin' old.

My Respite

What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter - a soothing, calming influence on the mind, rather like a good armchair which provides relaxation from physical fatigue. 

~Henri Matisse