Bitterness, no just angry!

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire, it burns it all clean.
~ Maya Angelou

2012 has been a hard year. I hadn't expected that when it started, it did however prove to be a bit of a struggle and I will say, I am grateful it is coming to an end.

I was going over the blog posts from the last year, reminiscing of the bipolar nature of some of the entries. Saw some growth and saw more importantly the weak areas. Having that ability to look back through your words is so enriching. I have been journaling for as long as I can remember, it has saved me a few times.

So, as in all the other posts;

What am I on about?

On Sunday, W, D and I were sitting in the family room watching movies, laughing and enjoying the end of the weekend. The puppies ears perked and then became restless. They danced around and made some noise and we shushed them. They settled soon after and we thought nothing more of it.

In the morning, as we were leaving for work, there sticking out of the mailbox was an envelope. I knew as soon as I saw it what is was and this sense of frustration welled up inside me. Really? Really? Wow. I had heard in June we had been placed on the "no Contact" list some time ago by our old bishop. All those months I had thought people had just dropped us and then I found out it was an organized shunning.

You see, the last time I had spoken to the bishop my words were that if we were to get home teachers again, could he at least make it a pair that would come. I guess in bishop speak that means stay away, at least in his mind anyway. For months I had felt so abandoned. In reality it had been an organized exclusion. All of a sudden, it seemed to all make sense and I got angry.

But the anger turned to bitterness and I got lost in it and then all the little things that I used to be able to let go seemed to be piling up again. I was snowballing into the dance and I knew that it was a dance I was really no good at. I realized it was time to get the hell off the dance floor.

Reading the letter reminded me of the dance.

It also came at an inopportune time.

I am in a bind with raising boo. He has a nearly $10,000.00 dental/orthodontic bill and for the first time since doing this alone I am seeing debt that seems insurmountable. It'd be lovely if this was all cosmetic but boo has some real overbite issues and the work has to be done, we knew this when he was 13, we knew it was coming I just didn't expect to being doing it alone.

Boo has made every offer in the book, to forgo Christmas, quit school for a semester, sell his car. W has even offered to pay and struggle with me. I just can't ask that of him, D is not his kid. And D has done far too much. given up so much already to lose anything more than he already has.

So I did something I thought I'd never do again. I decided to ask M for help.

I asked boo what he thought, through the conversation, as hard as it was, I knew he had to be every part of this journey. He has given up so much and worked so hard to keep the things in his life he truly loves. I wrote the first letter and D gave his 2c worth. It was sent.

It was ignored. I could have been bitter but I can't afford to be.

Last night D and I tried again. We sat and Boo talked and I listened. The letter was written quickly and sent and then this flood gate opened and it wasn't the one you would think.

D talked about G and about his life and about what it meant to be broken. As I heard him talk about his pain and his loss and the sacrifices we will need to make in order for him to have a pain free life I realized I get to be angry, I get to be pissed about a man that doesn't understand what he has done by ignoring the letters. Oh maybe he does know, maybe it's about getting even.

I wonder sometimes how we balance the bitterness and the anger, especially at this time of year.

I'll find a way to make this work with Boo. Years from now we'll laugh about it in the same sick way we laugh now about some of the most horrible things that happened years ago. It is a twisted way of coping and when we laugh it means in a very real the anger is subdued and the bitterness wasting away.

The bonus of this whole mess, hearing my son talk about falling in love and being in a relationship of shared values and mutual respect. Of where he thinks it might be going and what she means to him. You see, that kind of night, makes this journey so worth it.

Yeah, it's going to be hard and yeah, it's a bit frustrating to have a man that you shared over 20 years together be such an asshole that he can't even answer a letter but what I have now reminds me that being bitter is just not the answer. Just get mad, vent and then let it go.

Letting go as I type.