It's Official

I got an email today - a hospitality group here in Calgary want to use one of my photos for their brochure for Banff - they own hotels in Waterton, Banff, Canmore and and Kicking Horse. I L-O-V-E taking pictures and today I finally feel like I am going to be an OK photographer. Beautiful models helped but I have always believed that when you put beautiful people into beautiful places - it is absolutely a win win.

I couldn't have gone wrong in this shoot and the fact that someone appreciated makes me giggle! So I will be published and even if it's once, at least it validates why I love this so much. I have such great peace in the mountains, they are my home. Thanks K2 and KS2 for believing in me and for sharing your love of balance in the one place I feel the most balanced I have ever been.

Overcoming Fears

We gain strength,

 and courage,

and confidence

by each experience

in which we really stop to look fear in the face

... we must do that which we think we cannot.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been thinking a lot this week about life, about dreams, realities and truths. You'd think that sorting the mind in such matters would be a simple process but from where I come from, thousands of dollars in therapy and mind bending soul searching has helped me to realize that all of those things; reality, truth and even dreams are a personal paradigm in we each live unto ourselves.

I have spent so much time pursuing understanding. I completely grasp the quote _'To thine own self be true". It is much deeper and more profound to me because in those words is the sum of all my being.

What am I on about?

Driving with K2 earlier this week we had such a great talk. She spoke to the fact that her journey isn't just beginning but in fact very much well on it's way. Her movement forward is only part of a long portion of a life path she is still very much living. She was open and understanding to her focus and she needed me to understand a few things. She then said something that took me back for a moment and left me thinking more deeply than I had in a very long time.

We were discussing how I felt about the door opening to her past. How, though I understand her right to open it, that I had a great deal of concern for her being hurt. It was here she vocalized; " Wow Mom, you're still afraid of him aren't you?" I took a sharp breath in and grasped the reality that I did; I still fear him and then asked myself; "how weak is that?"

I spent the week really looking inward to the reasons why I would still be afraid. Doesn't that just give him a control he doesn't deserve? Doesn't it just take away from the life I have that has so much more acceptance, love and compassion in it? And mostly; does that fear interfere in anyway to where I am, where I am going and how the ride will be along the way?

You betcha, absolutely.

(Insert big sigh and deep thinking here.)

So for the week I wrote down all the things that made me afraid and I realised in most it was because of a "mother bear" instinct within my heart. The rest, crazy enough to just finally deal with and ultimately purge to enable a better life.

So google; "conquer fear" and the things that come up are so unique and different and cost a whole lot less that sitting for an hour with Dr. W.

So I am taking some advise I found there.

"Confront fear head on" and thanks to a bit of a heads up I am aware M reads this blog which in a very real way allows me to do just that.

So here's goes a head on approach.

M;

For so many years your ruled those in your life with an iron fist and a sense of entitlement through your priesthood which then betrayed what the priesthood was ever meant to be.

There were times when you anger scared everyone. In my life the greatest moments of fear I have faced have come at your hands. I didn't know how to react and therefore behaved badly. As I have said before; I am sorry for that.

I know you still hold no responsibility to yourself on this by the words you penned in the letter to my bishop. I think that is when the fears resurfaced for me. There is no trust in you or in your actions.

You hurt people, you hurt them badly and no one should ever be so afraid in the very home they live in. We took a very basic need of a safe and loving home away from our children. Some day, I hope you understand that. Someday, I hope you understand the harm your actions caused. Someday, I hope you get it, I just don't believe you do yet and because of that I fear. I fear for our kids.

I will continue to work on the absolute closure of any influence you have on my life. I am not sure when that will be.

I want you to know that I there is one thing that I am sure of. I was worthy of a caring and compassion you never afforded me. If I wasn't "good enough" in your opinion you should have never "settled" because in that you caused great harm not just to me but to every other member of our family. I am a strong, loving and good woman who deserved so much more. I have it now and because I do I am so much more than what I once was.

If our children welcome you back into their lives I hope you recognize the gift that is. You don't deserve it but they are beautiful souls. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, the words' I am sorry" can mean so much when they have purpose behind them and real regret. I just haven't seen that in any of your actions or your words and that is why I am fearful of you.

You have used your belief that I couldn't follow you as excuse for the tyranny and rage you lived by. When you understand that we are each responsible to our own actions and each of us - including me - hears or needs a true and honest apology I will stop being afraid of you. As long as you hide behind religion to excuse your abuse, your words mean nothing.

I am glad K2 is working at the closure to a horrible past. Your actions affected each one of us. Running 3000 miles away and pretending it was all someone elses fault only helps you and hinders in the healing of those you caused such great harm too. The rest of us have spent years in recovery.

Now I will address the final and real reason I walked away from the church. As I sat across the table from Bishop H and he explained that two bishops and Dr. W and Dr. Z were going to counter your letter, a movement of truth resonated in my heart. I didn't want to be part of a church that would ever give a man like you a voice in the future of a family you harmed and continued to harm so deeply. All the kids had walked away from a faith I cherished at one time because of your actions, this final stab, I am sure you were so proud of ,simply sealed the deal for me as well.

I was done, you just gave the final push out. Thanks for that by the way, because for the last year I have felt a freedom I never though possible.

I have a hope; a request actually. When and if our beautiful children let you back in please tread lightly. They are GOOD and LOVING people who are facing a fear in even having you back into their lives. It will be a gift you don't deserve.

My fear falls squarely on a lack of trust in you. I own it and for that reason I will stand back and trust them in their choices. I hope someday I don't fear you. That too is my nemesis to overcome.

To BBG#2 - For your Journey.

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother.

A child is a child.

They get bigger, older, but grown?

What's that suppose to mean?

In my heart it don't mean a thing.

~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

I seriously don’t like watching my children when they are in pain. It was easy when they were little because a cuddle and a kiss with some heartfelt love could cure almost anything. I spent many a morning, afternoon or evening cuddling and kissing my children.


Then comes that point in life when the cuddles don’t work anymore. It happens at different times for each of your children but inevitably it does come and you have to stand back and let them grow-up. I heard a psychologist call it self-soothing, like a big kid form of sucking your thumb. I have wanted to just go in there and take it all away, put up the big protection shield from all the pain so that they never have to hurt. I wish it so on so many levels but the bottom line is that without the pain there is no healing. Healing is necessary to move forward. It hurts sometimes but in the end it is always worth it.


BBG #2 is moving forward. She has taken a big and monumental step, one that is going to hurt. It’s a journey per se. Each one of us that was a part of the “S” family has to take the journey to heal. It sucks on every level but there is no other way to overcome the hell that was our past. It’s the purging of the pain of it all but to purge it you have to relive it and that is hard, harder than you can ever imagine. It’s the reliving part that I wish I could take from her. I understand how mothers sacrifice their lives for their kids; I would do it in a heartbeat, in less of a heartbeat for the grandbabies, but I would do it to save her from one day of feeling all that pain all over again.


I have watched two of the BBG’s take this path. Both have handled it with grace and dignity. I have NO DOUBT BBG #2 will do so as well.


I own my part of the pain inflicted on her. I hope in time she can understand where I went through all of those Pajama ridden days, and at some point I hope she will forgive me. What happened all those years ago was wrong, I should have been there, been more present and more protective. You can’t protect your children with loud words and empty threats. You can by simply picking them all up and getting them away from the abuse. No sum of luxury is worth the pain of staying. I should have left the anger and the conditions and the mental cruelty, I just should have protected them more. I could have made it on my own with the children, I know now I could have. I can’t live with regrets though. I could eat myself away with regrets.


What I know of BBG #2 is she is strong beyond measure, that she can and will purge it all and come out victorious. Her sisters have fought the internal battle and have purged, she can too. The worst part of this is not having the ability to just take the pain away for her, taking the scars and the heartache and making it go away. She let me know today it was time for her to begin the journey. I AM SO PROUD OF HER, I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF THEM!


ABUSE is wrong on every level and reaps pain and dysfunction and self loathing. Unless this is your history you can’t understand how to live with it, to purge the bile and retain the healing so you never allow it to define you but that you use it to enable you to be better, to stop the cycle, to make it end, to change the future.


My children are incredible survivors. BBG 2 will survive this. I am so honored she allowed me the insight to the beginning of her journey. She let me in. I WILL be there for her tears. I WILL be there for her ANGER because she will be angry at me. I am her mother; I should have shielded her more. I hope she will let me be there for her healed soul when the hard part is over because when it is we will laugh again and smile and be grateful. I know, sick as it sounds, you do become grateful for all of it because you survived and because you survived you can help others, and she will, she will be a healer for others, I just know it.


One more survivor is left to begin the journey and then it will be complete for our family. BBB has to have a turn at this too. I have seen inklings of it here and there. I have witnessed his pain. He will get here too and when he does, I will be there as well. Then it will all be over! Then, on those Sundays when we are all around the table laughing and joking about the pajamas and the rest of it, it won’t hurt as much, it wont be so taboo and it will be about the lessons we learnt and not the pain we feel. It will just be and it will be ok, at least for each of us it will be ok.


You can survive BBG #2, you will survive, you are stronger than you know. You are mighty! I am so proud of you, SO VERY PROUD.


Here’s a thought as you embark on your healing journey;

As You Travel Through Life….

By Unknown

As you travel through life there are always those times

When decisions just have to be made,

When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,

And the rain seems to soak your parade.

There are some situations where all you can do

Is simply let go and move on,

Gather your courage and choose a direction

That carries you toward a new dawn.

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward -

The process of change can be tough,

But think about all the excitement ahead

There might be adventures you never imagined

Just waiting around the next bend,

And wishes and dreams just about to come true

In ways you can’t yet comprehend!

Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new things

As you challenge your status quo,

And learn there are so many options in life,

Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected

And see things that you’ve never seen,

Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds

And wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring

And somebody special who’s there

To help you stay cantered and listen with interest

To stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends

Are supportive of all that you do,

And believe that whatever decisions you make,

They’ll be the right choices for you.

So keep putting one foot in front of the other,

And taking your life day by day…

There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road -

Don’t look back! You’re not going that way!

I love you KJS, I love you more!

Dumbfounded

Disclaimer -

to strong and active Mormons -

this will offend you - Don't read.

So, normally I just let some of the bloggernacle stuff blow over but today, I was dumbfounded. Actually, after I thought about it for a while, It kind of made sense. I just needed to recognize the pattern.


What am I talking about?


A professor at BYU names Randy Botts; some statements he made and then; the almighty MORG and the axe that literally came crashing down.


Mostly, I don't care about all things Mormon now days. I care about how it affects me personally but after that, hmmmft, it is what it is. Today though, I am a bit perturbed, it's an underdog kind of thing I think. I guess I am more like my Mom than I thought.


Synopsis - BYU religion professor gives The Washington Post a brief and telling history in his own narrative of why the LDS church didn't give the blacks the priesthood, explaining as he did, I am sure from his personal narrative what was the history of the practice of rasism pre lifting of the ban of the priesthood to African Americans.


I read the article; I grew up in the very church that denied people of colour the priesthood. I sat in the seminary classes, the religion classes, and the Sunday School classes where I was taught from the corelated manuals produced by the church that skin color WAS an indication of one's condition in the pre-existence. That "dark and loathsome" was indicative of sin. PERIOD.


I remember a long and drawn out conversation with a seminary teacher as I realized my good friend, whose father was black, would never be allowed to experience the temple (1975). I felt helpless as she left the church feeling defeated before she even started dating. No Mormon man who wanted a temple wedding was ever going to fall in love with her. I asked why the supposed sins of generations so far back fell on her. My seminary teacher couldn't answer it but defaulted to the B.S. answer of "it will all work out in heaven." You have no idea how that answer as haunted me to this day.


In 1978, as the priesthood ban was lifted I felt exhilarated. It didn't matter to many though as they still held fast to the belief that skin color was somehow tied to some kind of indication of valency prior to coming to earth. I could share some of the warped and twisted beliefs of my ex but I won’t give them the time or credence.


Slowly, as the church started expanding its missionary work into Africa and was failing in it's efforts here on this continent I saw the church trying to erase it's very history. BIG SURPRISE THERE! It's not like erasing history is new right?


So why am I mad? Professor Bott did not misspeak to what was the cultural and literal history of the reasons why the LDS church denied the priesthood to the blacks as he most likely was taught. AS WRONG AS IT IS AND WAS - his words spoke to a truth that many LDS members lived by and thought, no, were taught to believe.

I celebrated and shouted for joy that day in 1978 driving down Macleod Trail listening to the radio when I heard the church had dropped the ban. It was wrong and I knew in my heart it was always wrong. I have always stood against the assertion that skin color had anything to do with anyone’s beliefs or valency or goodness. WE ARE ALL EQUAL IN THE SIGHT OF THE LORD.


So, how does the church react to Brother Bott’s statements? (See church news website)

Now, do they cough up to the reasons for the ban; Nope. Big surprise there.What they do do is they throw him right under the bus. Typical paatern. No doubt, Professor Bott's job is gone; his life forever changed, he becomes villified all for speaking what was for many of us a doctrine taught over and over again. How sad.

If he still believes that "doctrine" then shame on him but if his words were only speaking to the history of the "doctrine"then shame on the church for openly condeming him. They should condemn themselves.

Through the history of the church this is the procedure. When the church needed statehood for Utah and the US legislature unearthed the current practice of polygamy STILL happening for years after the manifesto - (1890-1904, some sat longer), what does the Wilford Woodruff, who had just recently entered into his own umpteenth marriage do? He takes 2 of members of the quorum of the twelve, parades them though an excommunication, publicly slapping their hands and says "see, we do excommunicate men who practice polygamy" and then promptly continues to take on more wives himself. (This is the history of the church that they hide for reasons plainly clear.)

So why does this bother me, well, you see, Brother Botts was reprimanded not for what he said but for saying it in the first place. Maybe the right thing to do is to realistically and promptly cough up to the ugly racism that existed within the doctrines of the church, OWN IT so that is can't and won't happen again.

Ok wait, the church is still full of "ism"s. Sexism is alive and strong, and thrives under the "doctrines" of the church. And please, don't even get me started about the 'Ism" of Prop 8. How many young people have to die because of the warped and backwards teaching that forces shame on them and makes famillies choose between a child and a belief.

Yeah, it's another one of those "leave the church but can't leave it alone" moments. This time though, it reached my computer screen and shouted for a comment. So I wrote my 2 cents worth.

So glad that the "ism's" of the LDS church are no longer a part of my life.

Free at last, Free at last.

HF - ARE YOU REALLY THERE?

I was listening to a podcast on apostasy the other day at work, it was odd. As the comments were made and apostasy defined, much like the "aha" moment of the defining of a cult I realized, by definition, I am an "apostate". I am one who once believed something or held to an ascribed set of religious values who no longer believes. Yup, full on apostate. Yikes.

So, what am I on about?

What brought me here, what took me to a place where my heart could open up and I could come to terms with all that didn't make sense for me, and then it walk away and more importantly, does it even matter?

I think not, at least for me anyway.

I spent a huge amount of my life dedicated to a faith I thought had my back. It didn't strike me that there were so many hoops and conditions to acceptance and that the club was all about "who you knew" and not who you are. In the end, I felt like I was living through an episode of mean girls or in this case we could call it mean High Priests. And in the very same way some are so grateful for the end of their high school experiences because it felt like torture, I to am so very glad my church experiences are over.

So Parkland ward - let me tell you why your actions after I left really for me sealed the deal.

I can do that by telling of an instance that happened.

About 6 months ago, during one of only about 3 times when members of the ward officially reached out to me, the following happened. (You'd think I would have mattered more to the ward but I learned soon enough that what I thought about how they felt was soon proven by their actions.) Anyway, back to the story. W and I had a busy morning gardening and getting the tomatoes ready for harvesting, W had slipped out and there was a knock on the door. It was the sister missionaries. I was polite and respectful and asked them a simple question; "who sent you?" She asked if it mattered; I said it did. She asked why?

I then preceded to ask her that the next time she was at the missionary meeting to ask each person there if they had ever been a guest in my home? Had they ever partaken of a dinner, a lunch, an evening by the pool, if at anytime had I ever feed them, given them refuge or welcomed them into my home? Could I have ever been called a "friend"? I said that it would be my guess that virtually everyone sitting there would answer "yes". I then asked why this ward would then send a complete stranger to ask me back. She had no answer. How could she? I thanked her for her concern but reminded her that people leave the church for many reasons, some illogical, some emotional and some are absolutely necessary and for a few of us, all three reasons applied.

I have faced my demons, the struggle for me wasn't easy and though there are some that may disagree, I have conquered them.

When I ask, HF - are you really there, HE IS!

I have faith, conviction and hope. I love all that is belief and still have a strong and abiding faith in GOD not a church. It just doesn't have conditions. There are no "ONLY Trues" in it and no referencing happiness as having been a result of a membership but rather a universal truth that resides within me. I found happiness along the way and soon realized that the bumps in the road aren't punishments or tests but life, pure and simple. It sucks sometimes but real people are always there waiting to put out a hand to you. These real people don't have prerequisites to caring, they aren't assigned friends like visiting teachers or home teachers, they just do it because.

If I sound pissed, I am sorry. I am not. I went from a congregation of assigned "friends" to very few but whose left standing are real. I am so grateful for that.

So I was surprised when the other day, I went for dinner with 3 of the woman I went to Laurel class with over 35 years ago. As we were reminiscing and I was listening I was in awe of these great woman. First, there was no judgment of me, they were never the type in the first place, and second; living had taken a toll. Three divorces, one widow, children, grandchildren, jobs, loss of parents. Life stories full of tragedy and hope and compassion. A lot of living had passed under life's bridge.

No one asked them to include me, they just did because membership in a church wasn't a requirement.

These are the kind of members that help me to understand that though I am an "apostate", I am not an "Anti-Mormon", contra to what my BW is saying. These woman help to make it less about what's wrong and more about what was right. There are not the SP's wife, the B's wife or the auxiliary president, they are simple, good and faithful people. I felt safe and unjudged. I took a chance because I wasn't sure it would be like that. It was, why did I ever doubt it would have been any other way?

So, though at times it is hard to realize you weren't even worth the effort of a Bishop showing up at your door to see where you have been there will always be good people in and amongst those who have hurt you in the church. When I remember that, it becomes less about the anger and more about a journey that helped to make me who I am today.

As much as you can take yourself out of the church, 50 years of living it just doesn't erase itself. HF is there, he always was and always will be, I just see Him a bit differently now.

My Alberta

I spend so much of my free time with HB - W, traveling this beautiful province looking for the next great landscape. I have found my true song along the back roads and logging trails in the Kananaskis, Banff, Jasper and the Hoodoo's of eastern Alberta. My song is along every road, every mountain, every valley.

I used to laugh about people who wanted their ashes spread across different places and now, that makes sense. I am this place, it is in my veins. How could it not be?

ENJOY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThFCg0tBDck

War- .....

Something happened to me today that shifted my paradigm dramatically. I am going to write about it and hopefully it can process through in some meaningful way.

We have a fire in the dump on the reserve just outside the city limits. It has wreaked havoc on our neighborhood as a heavy thick smoke lays amongst the houses and in our home, it feels and smells like someone left the fireplace flue closed. I have felt my lungs tighten throughout the last few days and as I have medicated them and increased the dose to compensate for the heavy lungs the steroid rage has been building up. I have had asthma for sometime now. I know the rage. It takes a lot to control but I have learned to manage it.

I looked so forward after a difficult day to go to the library and have an evening with Iz. As we were sitting going through "Tuesdays with Morrie" I looked over to the Internet cubicles and witnessed a horrific scene. A woman, clearly a strong practising Muslim  with the full ha jib was watching scenes on YouTube of war. Graphic violent images were flashing across the screen and as the woman watched tears began to flow and she slowly laid her head into her hands. Over and over again, the images showed death. Young children strewn across a road, laying on a table, women's arms thrown in the air is grief and men, clearly killed laying in the streets with flags draped across their bodies.

IZ looked at me and we both felt helpless. I got up, went over and placed my arm on her shoulder. As she looked up I saw the ache in her face, the horror of her heart apparent. I placed my arms around her and all I could muster was "I am so sorry". She whispered, "this is my country, my city, these are my people. My government is killing my people." "I am so sorry", I whispered back. Her young daughters gathered around her, I looked to Iz and tears were flowing down her cheeks. War is not easy, war is so wrong and at that moment, three women from three different cultures felt its affects. I am not saying our pain was equal to the woman from Syria but  the same instinct, the same maternal instinct left anger behind and only felt the emotion of the wrongs that war bring.

I thank God everyday that my country is safe, my liberty guaranteed, at least for know and I am grateful that I live where a Muslim, and ex-Mormon and a faithful woman could find a commonness that looked past the differences and saw all that is wrong with a world that just doesn't get it. I wish I could have done more, I wish there was something more that could be done.

New goal - world peace - ONE WOMAN AT A TIME!

Nature's Temples - My Serenity.

I only went out for a walk

and finally concluded to stay out till sundown,

for going out,

I found,

was really going in.

~John Muir

I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature,

which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.

~Henry David Thoreau

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.

Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees.

The winds will blow their own freshness into you,

and the storms their energy,

while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. 

~John Muir

God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone,

but on trees and flowers and clouds and stars.

  ~Author unknown

Look at the trees,

look at the birds,

look at the clouds,

look at the stars...

and if you have eyes

you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful.

Everything is simply happy.

Trees are happy for no reason;

they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents

and they are not going to become rich

and they will never have any bank balance.

Look at the flowers - for no reason.

It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are.

~Osho

I thank you God for this most amazing day,

for the leaping greenly spirits of trees,

and for the blue dream of sky

and for everything which is natural,

which is infinite, which is yes.

~e.e. cummings

I remember a hundred lovely lakes,

and recall the fragrant breath of pine

and fir and cedar and poplar trees.

The trail has strung upon it,

as upon a thread of silk,

opalescent dawns and saffron sunsets.

It has given me blessed release from care and worry

and the troubled thinking of our modern day.

It has been a return to the primitive and the peaceful.

Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood

and benumbs my brain,

I seek relief in the trail;

and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn,

my cares fall from me

 - I am happy.

~Hamlin Garland

To Idaho - with love.

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." ~ Deepak Chopra

Did you ever have moments where a scenario has played out over and over again in your mind and you thought that for sure your rehearsed reaction would instinctively play out as rehearsed and then B*A*M*, something completely different emerges and you wonder, maybe that was what the result should have always been. Maybe karma won out.

My blog entries have never been something I have been super concerned about. I would think about where my head space is and then find some profound quote that would address my heart and then comment accordingly. Well, that changed because of a few circumstances in the last few months and now, I find myself, thinking before I write and that affects my integrity. So I am going to address a concern and move forward, without regrets and hope those that can feel the emotion of my words understand the full purpose of why I write and why it matters to me.

I started this blog out of necessity. I was just leaving a horrific marriage that as everyone looked in they could only see the façade that was built around the crumbling home we had because M would have it no other way. I left in silence sharing only my most intimate thoughts with my bishop, my tight circle of friends and my Dr. W with the words penned on what was mostly and anomalous blog site.

That road wasn’t easy. It was a friggin Mt. Everest of climbs and I managed. I have survived and for the most part I have kept in tact the remnants of what could have been and is now becoming one hell of a family. My children are amazing, my new husband; a God send.

I look back every now and then to remind myself of just how far we have all come. Serenity is an absolute in our home and being there a pleasure. The quiet and peace is beautiful and expected. Sunday afternoon dinners, babysitting new grandsons, laughter and safety all reside within the walls of our home. It is wonderful. No one dictates how it should be because it just is a natural flow of respect, honor, compassion and reasonable expectations. A team work approach we all love and respect each other. It isn’t perfect, NOTHING IS, but is wonderful all the same.

I am aware that my ex’s family read this blog. I have no issues with that. Maybe a glimpse in will correct some of the falsehoods that have been spoken, maybe it will only further enhance the distrust and hatred I felt so clearly for the months and years after I left. That was the hardest part of all of those years. Watching my family treat a monster with kindness because that was what the gospel expected and the opposite so true for me. I was the villain. The conception that I was taking everything and hurting intentionally was so apparent and NEVER once I felt was my side considered as the communication completed stopped. I became dead to them. Dr. W taught me to understand that I couldn’t take it personally. It didn’t matter because in the end, blood was thicker that water.

I can’t even begin to have you understand what it was like to go to the temple and face DINI. No hiding her name here. Over and over again I had reports of her disparaging remarks, her outright lies and her personal attacks on my character. One of the last times I was there she ran through the temple to a friend and told him she couldn’t believe I was there, how my unworthiness should have kept me out. My friends apologized, begged me to try harder and ignore her attacks but I couldn’t, it was over. There was no peace there and there wouldn’t be as long as she remained a worker. I found it so ironic that the people most vocal were the ones assigned to work in God’s house. I think that was one of the reasons it became so easy to open my heart to different truths. If people like that were the esteemed members of a church assigned in one of the most sacred places administering the most sacred of ordinances, what did that say about that church?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know of some incredible people who serve unselfishly without malice towards anyone in the temple but the culture of Mormonism tends; as do all inclusive cultures, to promote judgment and exclusion. I wasn’t measuring up as the voices most vocal against me were very strong. I just grew weary of a fight that should never have happened in the first place and walked away. Church should never be about proving who you are to anyone but yourself and when the voices of criticism are so strong that you can’t get away that says more about the culture than the offended. And please, don’t even get me started about a culture that puts the onus on those who are hurt and not those doing the hurting.

Had the circumstances not happened in the way that they did I doubt I could have found the peace and contentment I have and enjoy so much now. For that reason alone I am grateful for the journey that has been mine. There is a part of me that would love to speak to so much more than I am going to but thus lay the rub. Why bother? That would be repeating a dysfunctional unproductive past and that boat sunk long ago. What I will address is simple.

Anything you heard is subjective. Much like the words I pen. They are my opinion. Families make choices in divorce. Some make sense, others seem just plain wacked. Co-parenting was never an option M wanted. There is a lot to be said about how much easier it has been since he disappeared from the picture. He pokes his head in once in a while. When he does it usually comes with some sort of passive aggressive judgment. You can bet that I have heard it said that he gloats at how he felt “right about me all along”. Little does he recognize he is very much the architect of much of the hurt, angry feelings we all have to the church and the people.

As far as Dini goes, I have no doubt she too gloats. She is probably the best thing I lost in the divorce. Her absence out of our lives is wonderful. Something should be said about someone who glorifies stirring the pot. As much as she tried to pit sister-in-laws against each other half of what she said was mostly her own words put into the mouth of others. I didn’t learn that until it was too late. I think my eyes were opened the most in that account as I watched her try to manipulate opinions within the walls of the temple. I have since learned the psychosis of the behavior and learned to at least understand where it comes from. It’s a shame really as she also is one of the most enduring women I know. She manages to survive in spite of it all. She is not well liked by many. I heard it said that it doesn’t matter what we do to people as much as it matters how we left them feeling. Because of her I think so much more deeply upon the relationships I have and how I leave a person when I go. I guess you could say she helped me become a better person. I should thank her for that.

I miss my nieces and nephews. I liked their strong spirits. Much judgment was passed on them behind their backs. Much was attributed to me. I am going to make the record straight. I liked them all, I thought highly of their abilities and more about the way they addressed their lives. No apologies. They have a great mother; strong and determined. She is the glue to that family and the push to her husband. J and C are good people. Their dynamics were not an indication of weakness on anyone’s behalf but a testament to finding the strengths in each other and making them work. All I ever heard was about missed potential. What I saw and argued for was that they were happy in their own dynamics and I believe that. J is complete with C; priesthood isn’t about control and being “the man of the house” as much as it is an act of respect. They are a good family, always were and always will be. I want that out there. I admired their relationship and had only wished that those with the strong opinions could have seen the value in what they had, the dynamics that made them both happy. Others opinion that are so strong in the authority of men and the priesthood missed the point that holding an honoring the priesthood doesn’t mean control of everyone in your home. I always felt that J, of all the men in that family, was more in keeping with what GOD intended all along when it came to honoring the priesthood and in being the head of a household. Less demanding and more do. It’s all mute now though, in S family tradition, a divorce excises that woman from the family, history just repeated itself.

So what’s my point here? Closure I think more than anything else. I didn’t just quit a marriage. Years and years of therapy only work when two parties listen and vow to change. M believed and still does that the whole problem was that I couldn’t honor his priesthood. Not God’s priesthood that was a gift given him but his priesthood, one in which he extolled strict obedience. In time, it became abusive and hurt so many people. I behaved badly – therapy allows me to recognize that but more importantly, it taught me to behave better and to change. M refused to change – in his eyes he wasn’t at fault. Dr W helped me to know that continuing in the marriage would have ended tragically. Walking away saved not only my life but saved a family. We are what we are today, salvaged and renewed because of change, Thank God for change.

So if reading the blog gives a glimpse in to the renewal of my family so be it. M’s family is still my children’s family. I honor that. My children are adults and make their own choices. I have and continue to honor their right to choose whatever journey they pursue no matter who is a part of it, including their father or his family. I have no control over nor have any right to an opinion of what that relationship is. I would not be a good mother if I wasn’t worried but in the end, they define it and they choose whether M is in their life or not. So, I guess what I am trying to say contrary to M’s opinion, he is the architect to the healing. He needs to hear what it is they need and instead of constantly giving them what he thinks they want, maybe he could listen and give them what is needed to heal it all and please know, I get that it’s just my opinion.

So I am going back to blogging about my journey without worries. It’s been hard to get to a point in my life where what others thought didn’t matter to me. I am one with God and with the universe. I have faith and strength I didn’t even imagine I had and I am moving forward with JOY. I hope they understand that, it’s all I can ask.

Let me address them;

Welcome to my blog and please know, you mattered to me and that I am grateful for having been your sister-in-law, aunt and friend. I recognize those roles no longer have meaning in a literal sense but they mattered to me at one time and I just wanted you to know that.

However Hard

Anyone can carry his burden,

however hard, until nightfall.

Anyone can do his work,

however hard, for one day.

Anyone can live sweetly, patiently,

lovingly, purely,

till the sun goes down.

And this is all life really means.

~Robert Louis Stevenson

All I have to say for now, be back soon.