Grown don't mean nothing to a mother.
A child is a child.
They get bigger, older, but grown?
What's that suppose to mean?
In my heart it don't mean a thing.
~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987
I seriously don’t like watching my children when they are in pain. It was easy when they were little because a cuddle and a kiss with some heartfelt love could cure almost anything. I spent many a morning, afternoon or evening cuddling and kissing my children.
Then comes that point in life when the cuddles don’t work anymore. It happens at different times for each of your children but inevitably it does come and you have to stand back and let them grow-up. I heard a psychologist call it self-soothing, like a big kid form of sucking your thumb. I have wanted to just go in there and take it all away, put up the big protection shield from all the pain so that they never have to hurt. I wish it so on so many levels but the bottom line is that without the pain there is no healing. Healing is necessary to move forward. It hurts sometimes but in the end it is always worth it.
BBG #2 is moving forward. She has taken a big and monumental step, one that is going to hurt. It’s a journey per se. Each one of us that was a part of the “S” family has to take the journey to heal. It sucks on every level but there is no other way to overcome the hell that was our past. It’s the purging of the pain of it all but to purge it you have to relive it and that is hard, harder than you can ever imagine. It’s the reliving part that I wish I could take from her. I understand how mothers sacrifice their lives for their kids; I would do it in a heartbeat, in less of a heartbeat for the grandbabies, but I would do it to save her from one day of feeling all that pain all over again.
I have watched two of the BBG’s take this path. Both have handled it with grace and dignity. I have NO DOUBT BBG #2 will do so as well.
I own my part of the pain inflicted on her. I hope in time she can understand where I went through all of those Pajama ridden days, and at some point I hope she will forgive me. What happened all those years ago was wrong, I should have been there, been more present and more protective. You can’t protect your children with loud words and empty threats. You can by simply picking them all up and getting them away from the abuse. No sum of luxury is worth the pain of staying. I should have left the anger and the conditions and the mental cruelty, I just should have protected them more. I could have made it on my own with the children, I know now I could have. I can’t live with regrets though. I could eat myself away with regrets.
What I know of BBG #2 is she is strong beyond measure, that she can and will purge it all and come out victorious. Her sisters have fought the internal battle and have purged, she can too. The worst part of this is not having the ability to just take the pain away for her, taking the scars and the heartache and making it go away. She let me know today it was time for her to begin the journey. I AM SO PROUD OF HER, I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF THEM!
ABUSE is wrong on every level and reaps pain and dysfunction and self loathing. Unless this is your history you can’t understand how to live with it, to purge the bile and retain the healing so you never allow it to define you but that you use it to enable you to be better, to stop the cycle, to make it end, to change the future.
My children are incredible survivors. BBG 2 will survive this. I am so honored she allowed me the insight to the beginning of her journey. She let me in. I WILL be there for her tears. I WILL be there for her ANGER because she will be angry at me. I am her mother; I should have shielded her more. I hope she will let me be there for her healed soul when the hard part is over because when it is we will laugh again and smile and be grateful. I know, sick as it sounds, you do become grateful for all of it because you survived and because you survived you can help others, and she will, she will be a healer for others, I just know it.
One more survivor is left to begin the journey and then it will be complete for our family. BBB has to have a turn at this too. I have seen inklings of it here and there. I have witnessed his pain. He will get here too and when he does, I will be there as well. Then it will all be over! Then, on those Sundays when we are all around the table laughing and joking about the pajamas and the rest of it, it won’t hurt as much, it wont be so taboo and it will be about the lessons we learnt and not the pain we feel. It will just be and it will be ok, at least for each of us it will be ok.
You can survive BBG #2, you will survive, you are stronger than you know. You are mighty! I am so proud of you, SO VERY PROUD.
Here’s a thought as you embark on your healing journey;
As You Travel Through Life….
By Unknown
As you travel through life there are always those times
When decisions just have to be made,
When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,
And the rain seems to soak your parade.
There are some situations where all you can do
Is simply let go and move on,
Gather your courage and choose a direction
That carries you toward a new dawn.
So pack up your troubles and take a step forward -
The process of change can be tough,
But think about all the excitement ahead
There might be adventures you never imagined
Just waiting around the next bend,
And wishes and dreams just about to come true
In ways you can’t yet comprehend!
Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new things
As you challenge your status quo,
And learn there are so many options in life,
Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected
And see things that you’ve never seen,
Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds
And wonderful spots in between!
Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring
And somebody special who’s there
To help you stay cantered and listen with interest
To stories and feelings you share.
Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends
Are supportive of all that you do,
And believe that whatever decisions you make,
They’ll be the right choices for you.
So keep putting one foot in front of the other,
And taking your life day by day…
There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road -
Don’t look back! You’re not going that way!
I love you KJS, I love you more!
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